Maria tried to charm my daughter. Sometimes I had a feeling that she was trying to break the great affection between us. She could not do that in the smallest way and I fancied that Tamsyn had grown even more protective towards me. It was almost as though she were aware of some menace in the house. It may have been, though, that I, being aware of this, had become nervous and showed it.

What was most disturbing was the effect she was having on Colum. I could feel the tension rising. I who knew him so well realized that he wanted her as fiercely as he had once wanted me. I could see the smouldering light in his eyes when he surveyed her. She would join us at our intimate suppers. The three of us would be there at the table, the candlelight flickering on our faces-I knew that mine must have been alert and watchful. I knew too that neither of them paid much attention to me.

I cannot endure this, I thought. I must get away. I must go home to my mother. I should have confided in her long ago. She would have advised me what I must do.

Maria's beauty was unearthly. Satanic in its way and I could understand that Colum found it irresistible.

Sometimes I thought they were lovers. Then I was not so sure. Those nights when he was not with me, where was he? In the Red Room?

I kept thinking of the time when I had gone into that room and seen a vision of her. That must have been a warning. Why had I not told Edwina? Perhaps she could have advised me.

At night I would lie in my bed unable to sleep. When I did doze fitfully I would be beset by dreams-wild, fantastic dreams of visions. Maria was always in my dreams. And sometimes Colum. I saw them together writhing in an embrace. I would awaken clammy with sweat and fear and believe that there was someone in the room.

Tamsyn said: "You are not well, Mother. Shall I make a brew of the herbs Aunt Edwina gave us? I know how to."

"What would you give me, Tamsyn?" I asked.

"The pimpernel brings laughter so I would give you that. But it is not the time of year for pimpernel. Poppy brings sleep. But there are no poppies either. But I have an ashen branch and if that is put beneath your pillow it will drive away evil spirits."

"My dearest child, I am happy just to be with you."

"I am your dearest child," she said. "More dear to you than any of the others. I know it. It makes me happy. I will look after you always."

"Bless you, my darling," I said.

She was silent for a while. Then she said: "If I were older would you tell me what ails you?"

"Nothing ails me in truth."

"I think something does. But I will look after you."

"Then I shall soon be well," I said; and I held her against me.

Maria came riding into the courtyard. I saw her from my window. She leaped from her horse and a groom hurried to take it away and feed and water it. She came into the castle and, I suspected, went to the Red Room. I sat at my window, wondering about her. Ten minutes later Colum came in.

I said to myself: He has gone to the Red Room.

I knew that he had.

What did he say to her there? There would be no need for words. They were lovers. I sensed it. It was two weeks since he had come to me. I felt a sick resentment against her for being more beautiful than I, more desirable to him.

I hated him; I feared him. There had always been something of these emotions in me. But in a way I yearned for him. It was inexplicable but it was true.

I wished I could have talked of this to my mother. I felt she would have understood. I wished I could talk to her of these sudden bouts of fear which possessed me. There was no one to whom I could talk. I seemed to hear my daughter's voice. "If I were old enough you could tell me."

Oh Tamsyn, I thought, if only I could!

They were making love in the Red Room. Afterwards they would talk. Would they talk of me? How did they talk of me? But why should they? Of what importance was I to them-only of course that if they wished for marriage I stood in their way.

He was tired of me. I knew that. He would no longer be indulgent as he once had. I would irritate him. Was this how Melanie had felt? He despised her. Did he bring his mistress of the moment into the castle. Was she of so little account to him that he did not care?

It could never be thus with me. Once he had wanted me so urgently that he had gone to great lengths to get me.

He would not come to me now. Perhaps never again. I had not given him the children he wanted. Only two and one a girl.

He wanted sons, many sons, l.u.s.ty boys whom he could train in his hideous profession.

I went to bed. I lay there, the curtains drawn back. I could not bear to have them closed because if I did I would have strange fancies about what was happening in the room.

As I lay there I heard footsteps in the corridor ... slow creeping footsteps. My blood seemed suddenly cold. They had paused outside my door.

I could hear the sound of the latch being lifted.

"Who's there?" I called out in alarm.

There was no answer.

"Who is it?" I said.

I lay there waiting. Terror upon me. Who could it be? Whom did I fear? Maria? Colum?

For some seconds I lay there. Then I rose and went to the door. I opened it.

There was no one near.

The children were decorating the hall with holly and ivy.

I went out with them to bring in the yule log; they shrieked with happiness and I could feel myself being temporarily caught up in it. The damp soft air made my skin glow and I felt better than I had for some time.

Even the castle seemed less grim. The Christmas spirit had entered the house. And when it was over I promised myself I would go to my mother. I had made up my mind that I would tell her everything. I thought she might advise me not to return to the castle, and that is what I wanted.

I had always been careful with my journal-if such it could be called-because I dared not let Colum see it. The thought of his reading it had from the start embarra.s.sed me; now I suppose it would be more than that. So when I had finished writing I always put it carefully where only I would know where to find it.

Since Maria had come back into the house I felt it was even more necessary than ever to keep my writings out of the way.

Because I kept it hidden I had always felt that I could write freely, which is the only way in which one can write a doc.u.ment such as this.

As we grew nearer to Christmas both Maria and Colum changed so much that I could, if I had not written down my feelings and what actually happened, have forgotten half of it and perhaps convinced myself that I had exaggerated. So I often looked back and read what I had written at the time it happened. It was amazing how it helped me to realize the truth of my situation. I somehow thought that it was because of this that I had felt this fear.

Now Colum was full of bonhomie and Christmas spirit. Maria had become human. She became less secretive. It seemed that the Christmas spirit of goodwill to all men had crept into the house.

"We shall not have your family here this Christmas," said Colum, "nor go to them. We shall have to make up for that. We'll have the mummers in to do a play. How's that?"

The children were delighted. Tamsyn and Senara made a Christmas crib and while they were making it Tamsyn decided that they should do a Nativity play themselves and the grownups should be their audience.

Tamsyn was cleverer at her books than the others and she wrote the play which they would present in mime, for Connell declared that he would not learn words. Two or three of the local squires were being invited and as they had children these would be brought in to play their parts.

Senara was to be the Virgin at first but somehow she didn't look the part, but she did make an enchanting shepherd boy who saw the star in the East and to her surprise Tamsyn was the Virgin. I was pleased because in spite of her somewhat retrousse nose and her wide mouth there was a purity about her and I set about devising her costume. This was where Maria showed herself in a new light. She found materials for the costumes and appeared to enjoy helping them to dress up. Even Colum watched with amus.e.m.e.nt and Connell who might so easily have imagined such mummery only fit for girls was delighted to be one of the Three Kings.

There was a great deal of speculation as to who would find the silver penny and be King for the Night. Connell boasted of what he would do if he were.

There was to be dancing, music and singing, the children would sing madrigals in which we would all join; then they would show their skill with their lutes and recorders.

From the kitchens there came the smell of baking. There was to be feasting as never before.

I was almost lulled to a sense of security, but not quite, for as soon as I retired for the night and was alone in my room I would begin to wonder what was in store for me and I would remember glances which I had-or imagined I had-intercepted between Colum and Maria. The excitement of Christmas could not dispel the suspicions that they were lovers. I think perhaps at the heart of my fears was the fact that Colum should seek to hide this from me. I was sure he had hidden nothing from Melanie. Why should he attempt to delude me if he no longer cared for my feelings? Was it because he realized this pa.s.sion for Maria was a fleeting thing? Did he fear that she would disappear again as she had once before?

No sooner had I got into my bed than the fears would descend on me. I could only sleep fitfully. It was as though my instincts would not let me, as though they were warning me that it would be dangerous to do so.

There was one night about a week before Christmas when these fears seemed stronger than ever. I tossed and turned in my bed and it must have been soon after midnight when I could stay there no longer. I got out of bed, wrapped a gown about me and sat at the window.

What thoughts came back to me then as I looked down on the sea, calm as a lake, with a shaft of moonlight making a path on the waters! I could see the Devil's Teeth just protruding for it was going to be a high tide. The gentle swish of the waves soothed me and I began to nod.

Then suddenly I was awake. I felt a tingling down my spine, that previously experienced raising of my hair on my scalp. I gave a little cry for there had been a sound in the room, and in my half sleeping state I believed that the door had opened and someone had looked at the bed and then at me. I was sure I heard a click as the door closed.

As before I ran to the door. There was no one there. It was a bad dream. But I was trembling. I could not go back to bed. I was afraid that if I did so, frightened as I was, I should sleep. Something warned me. I must not sleep. Twice I had thought someone had meant to enter my room. The first time I had called out and whoever it was had not entered. The second that person had entered and seen me at the window. If I had been sound asleep ... what then?

I was haggard in the morning. I had scarcely slept all night.

Tamsyn looked at me with anxious eyes. "Are you well, Mother? You look not well."

I said: "I did not sleep well. I had a bad dream, I think."

She nodded gravely.

That evening Jennet came up with a posset.

"The master said you were to have it, Mistress."

"Why?" I demanded.

"He said he thought you were doing too much for the Christmas preparations and had got tired. He said he was worried about your health and if you did not improve he was going to call the physician."

That lifted my spirits somewhat. So I did care about him. If he were to me as he had been in the beginning, I thought, I could be so too, in spite of everything.

I thought of that other beverage which had been prepared for me, the one which had made me lose my senses on that very first night in the castle.

I said to Jennet in sudden alarm. "Did he make the posset?"

"Oh no, Mistress. He bid me make it."

"Then you know what's in it."

"Surely I do, mistress. 'Tis the posset I make always when the children have their ailments. I have the herbs by me, dried they be and all in their sweet-smelling jars as I did learn from your mother as learned from hers. This be a good one if you are feeling out of sorts. There be goose gra.s.s to sweeten the blood and a sprig of woodruff for the liver, for 'tis very often the liver as will affect your poorly."

"Give it to me, Jennet," I said. "I will drink it and tomorrow you will see me br.i.m.m.i.n.g over with health."

So I drank the posset and indeed it did soothe me to such an extent that when I lay on my pillow I was almost immediately fast asleep.

I awoke startled. Someone was in my room, standing at my bedside. I felt as though a thousand ants were crawling over my skin. I could not see very clearly. The moonlight must have been obscured by dark clouds. Hands were reaching out. I was caught and held.

"No," I screamed.

Then a soothing voice said: "It is all right, Mother."

"Tamsyn."

She was laughing as she clambered into my bed.

I held her tightly against me. "Dearest Tamsyn."

"I frightened you," she said.

"I must have been dreaming."

"I should have awakened you gently. How you shiver!"

"It was waking suddenly. Why did you come, Tamsyn?"

"I was worried about you. I couldn't sleep. You looked so tired yesterday. Not like yourself at all. Then I thought, I will go and be with her. She may need me. And without thinking very much I came."

"Oh Tamsyn, it makes me so happy to have you with me."

"Do you feel comforted then because I am here?"

"Greatly so."

"I shall stay with you."

"Yes, do. I feel so happy to have you with me."

She clung to me.

"You feel better with me here?"

"I feel so happy, Tamsyn. So much better already."

After a while she said: "I thought to find my father here with you."

"Nay, he is not always here."

She was thoughtful. Then she said: "He is away so much. I'll swear he does not want to disturb you."

"That may be so, Tamsyn."

"You are getting sleepy."

"Yes, I am."