Alastair wasn't so respectful of her desire to be left alone. It was Millie's birthday, and they were having an animal party next Saturday afternoon, and she was coming, he said, whether she wanted to or not. In costume, ideally. Susannah knew from the tone of his voice on the machine that Mum had told him (everything, she guessed, knowing Mum), but she couldn't even be angry. It was almost a relief that he knew, and that she didn't have to explain it all.

She wore a brown stripy sweater and brown cords and said to Millie, who answered the door, a resplendent ladybird, that she'd come as an earwig. Millie wrinkled her nose in distaste, but hugged her anyway, before shrieking and squealing and running off back to the conservatory, where her friends were. Kathryn wasn't far behind her daughter, in a black mini dress, with yellow and black stripy tights and an antenna headband.

'Mole?' She looked her sister-in-law up and down appraisingly, her hands on her hips.

Susannah shrugged. 'Earwig.'

'Pathetic.'

'Hey! I'm here, aren't I?'

Kathryn laughed and kissed her. 'And thank God. It's like a zoo in here. Literally. Come on in ... Al's expecting you ...'

Al was in the conservatory, small children running amok around him, chatting to a guy in a safari suit and a pith helmet. When he saw his sister, he excused himself and came over, holding her in a long, wonderful hug.

'I needed that.'

'Thought you might.'

'You thought right.'

He held her shoulders and smiled at her. 'Nice costume.'

Susannah ignored him and gestured towards the guy he'd been talking to. 'Dr Livingstone, I presume?'

Alastair sniggered. 'He's the entertainment.'

'What's he going to do?'

'See that box?'

Susannah nodded.

'A tarantula, a python, a scorpion ...'

'For real?'

'I hope so. He costs a fortune, and comes highly recommended, Kath says.'

'Bloody hell! Won't he scare them to death?'

'I just hope he holds their attention for twenty minutes and keeps the racket down to a dull thunder ...'

Susannah realized they were having to shout at each other to make themselves heard. How could small people make so much noise? 'Whatever happened to balloon animals and rabbits in hats?'

'We never even had that, did we?'

Susannah laughed. 'No. You're right. We played that game where you had to cut cold chocolate with a knife and fork ...'

'And bob for apples ...'

'And eat marshmallows hanging on string ...'

'You'd be laughed out of the PTA for that nowadays.'

'Bollocks. I bet the kids would love it.'

'Well, I suggest you suggest it to Kath ...'

They both looked at Kathryn, across the room, arranging trays of fairy cakes and pineapple hedgehogs on a table.

'Perhaps not today ...'

Susannah wasn't sure whether the children were paralysed with terror or genuinely fascinated by the animals, once the show started, but they were certainly quiet. Kathryn shot a video of Millie with a tarantula on the top of her head, Sadie watching with her wide mouth open in wonder. Oscar, still steadfastly refusing to walk at eighteenth months old, shuffled around at warp speed on his bum, drooling on everything in his reach, and chatting happily to himself.

I want this, Susannah thought to herself. I want this.

Much later, when the circus had left town, Kathryn put the three exhausted and sugar-crashing kids in front of a video, and joined the two of them and a bottle of wine in the kitchen, pulling off her headband and plopping into a chair gratefully, beaming with tired satisfaction.

'Thank Christ that's over.'

Susannah knew she didn't entirely mean it. Kathryn was in her element doing stuff like this. She was an amazing mother calm and fun, imaginative and energetic, warm and funny. And lucky. So lucky.

'So, how are you doing, Sis?' she asked, turning now to focus on Susannah.

Al poured her a large glass, and Susannah watched him kiss the top of her head as he handed it to her.

'I guess Mum's told you guys what's going on?'

Kathryn nodded. 'Pretty much. Sorry. You know its eighty-five per cent concern, fifteen per cent gossip, right?'

Susannah laughed. Kathryn knew her mother-in-law very well.

'And your dad he's one hundred per cent concern.'

'Not even five per cent disapproving?'

Alastair shook his head vigorously. 'None of us is judging you, Suze. I promise.'

'I don't know why not. I'm judging myself.' She smiled a tight smile.

'Okay.' This was Kathryn, who'd sat forward and taken a deep breath. 'I'm judging you, just a bit. I love you. I love you a lot. But ...'

'I know. He's married.' She was relieved Kathryn was being honest.

'And it's not a level playing field, is it? She doesn't know about you. It's not a fair fight.'

'Is it a fight, then, do you think?' Alastair asked.

Susannah shrugged. 'I don't know what it is. I'm trying to give him some space. You're right, Kathryn. Thank you for being honest.'

Kathryn reached over and squeezed her sister-in-law's hand.

'He is married. This isn't who I am. What I do. And I'm not going to cry.' She made a fist with her hand, willed herself to stay in control.

'What are you going to do?'

'I can't do anything now, can I? I have to wait. I'm not holding any of the cards. If I deserve to be punished, then I promise you I am being.'

'He needs time.' This was Alastair. 'Look, I know I don't know this guy as he is now, but there was a time when I knew him pretty well. There's something about all of this that is somehow completely unsurprising to me. I was saying, to Kathryn. You two were never properly resolved. I don't know, don't remember, don't even want to know what went on, all those years ago. But you were never really finished with each other. And I don't know what's going on with him now. But I do know that you've been miserable, stuck in a sterile, crappy relationship for years. You were vulnerable, Sis. It makes sense perfect sense to me that he comes back now, that your life isn't where you want it to be, that you fall for him again. You never fell out. Not really. Not through Sean, not through Douglas. I should have seen it coming last summer.'

'That's quite a speech, Al.'

'I've been thinking about it ...' Kathryn nodded.

'But you don't have answers ... ?'

'Course not. But I know what you should do.'

'And that is?'

'Give him time. He's a thinker. He always was. And he's a good guy. He's not a cheater either. He always had more moral fibre than the rest of us put together.'

Susannah remembered the caravan, and Alastair and Amelia, a thousand years ago.

'So, you know he's got to be in just as big a mess as you. Throw the Greek tragedy of his dad dying while he's with you into the mix, and that's one hell of a lot of crap to deal with. Give him time.'

'And if it is right, he'll come back? Is that what you're saying? Set it free if you love it? Because you're sounding dangerously like a Sting song ...'

Alastair shrugged. 'I didn't say it was an original thought. But I think I'm right. And Sting's right.'

'Not about the tantric sex, he's not.' Kathryn, draining her glass, broke the tension beautifully. 'We tried it once. Both fell asleep before anything whatsoever happened in the loins department.'

When Rob's mobile phone number flashed up on the caller ID, Susannah's heart leapt like a schoolgirl's. She wondered whether she'd always feel that way, almost running across the room to answer, wrapped in a towel after the shower, and throwing herself into the sofa, eager to hear the sound of his voice. Maybe he was running late ... or early. She'd longed for him all day. She hadn't seen him since Frank's funeral, and her meltdown with Mum. She was desperate. It was an ache a delicious, throbbing ache.

'Susie? It's me.'

'Are you okay?'

He sounded frightened and tense. Susannah sat up immediately, clutching the towel to her.

'It's Helena.'

She'd found out. She must have done. How? 'What's happened?'

'She's been injured.'

'Oh my God!' Thoughts raced through her brain. 'How badly?'

'I don't know ...' Rob sounded desperate.

'Well, what did they tell you?' He knew people he had to have more information than that.

'Just that. She's being flown to Germany now, to the military hospital. I only know that because a mate called me. If I was a civilian I'd still have no clue anything was up.'

'I didn't think she was in a dangerous place.' He'd said she would be safe.

'For fuck's sake, Susannah the whole place is dangerous. It's Afghanistan. It's a combat zone.'

'I'm sorry. Of course.' Her tongue felt thick, and she couldn't find words.

'No I'm sorry. I don't mean to snap.'

'You're worried.'

'Worried, and frustrated as hell. I can't get through to anyone who can tell me what's happening.'

'Do you think ... I mean ... is there a possibility she could be ...'

She couldn't bring herself to say it, but Rob did, and the word sounded flat and harsh.

'Dead? No they don't airlift them out straight away if they're dead.' It sounded so matter-of-fact.

She told herself she couldn't help the thought that snaked into her brain. She couldn't even quite translate it. Did she wish Helena was dead, because it would make things easier clear the way for her and Rob? Just for a moment? Could she be that cruel about a woman she'd never met? She couldn't tell what Rob was thinking, and he wasn't speaking. She wished she could see his face.

'Listen I'd better go. I need to make some more calls.' He wanted to get off the phone.

She couldn't help him. Or reach him. 'Of course. You're not coming tonight?' It was only half a question. She sounded like a whiny child, even to herself.

'I'll call you, okay?'

He hung up before she could say anything else, leaving her sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a towel, staring at the wall.

For the first time in a very long time, she thought of Ichabod, their old English teacher, and a quote was it Shakespeare? dredged itself up from somewhere long forgotten. Something about sorrows coming not single spies but in battalions ... She was reeling ...

It was two long days before he called again. Two long days in which she barely slept. Her life with Rob played like an old cine film in her head whenever she lay down to rest.

She couldn't believe it. That these two things would, could happen so close together. Their old life, this new life they'd begun to build ... the life she hadn't been able to stop herself imagining for the pair of them ... going forward into the future ... She didn't want to think about it, but she couldn't help it.

His voice sounded different. He was calling because he had to. Not because he wanted to. She could tell from his tone.

'Susie?'

'Rob. God. I'm so glad to hear you.' She tried not to respond that way. But she couldn't help that either. She'd never been so helpless, it seemed.

He didn't answer.

'How is ... how's Helena? Are you with her?'