'Hold his head, hold his head.'

'Flick ... I'm sorry.'

'No, no.' She was rubbing her running nose with the sleeve of her T-shirt, but her whole beautiful face was wrung like a rag.

'I'm just an ignorant old violiniste. I should shut my mouth.'

'They rose to it, they really did. I was proud of them.'

'I'm putting him in his crib. He'll be happier there.'

'Do you know about babies, Wally?'

'Oh Flick,' Wally said, as he laid me on my back in the crib and tucked a sheet around me as smooth and tight as any matron at the Mater. 'I'm just an old pea and thimble man.'

And then Felicity was crying again. This was the first time she let herself really cry in company. Bill was downstairs in bed with Annie. Vincent was at home with his wife. It was Wally who came to hold her. My second night on earth was the only time he ever held my mother's body.

He was wide awake. He was so shaken, so sad, but at the same time he knew this was his moment, his time. He had seen himself, he told me later, in my eyes. While my maman and I slept, he made the promise, said the words, out loud. He was going to be the father, the one who would really do the job.

*Students of the Efica circus may recognize the story of Pet.i.t Paul who, having died in 335 EC EC, was probably still performing when Wally was a child. was probably still performing when Wally was a child.Originally a chauffeur, but later a mechanic. Probably originates with the job of starting an engine with crank handle.*'My little one', or 'my little finger'. Rikiki can also refer to a 4 fl.oz. gla.s.s of beer.

13.

It was my fourteenth day and I woke to the noise of heavy rain thundering on the tower's thin roof. My first Moosone had arrived. The Nabangari had begun to flow again. Outside you could hear the river roaring, the m.u.f.fled noises of boulders and logs crashing against the river wall. Slowly I became aware that my mum and dab were already awake, talking to each other. We lay, the three of us, on the same hard mattress I had been conceived on. My mum was on the telephone side, Bill on the window side. I lay between them, staring up at the pressed metal ceiling whose fat-bottomed little Cupids must have dated from the time when old Ducrow brought Solveig Mappin* into his bed. into his bed.

'It's your life,' my mother was saying to my father. 'You've got to live your life.'

My bandock was wet. My stomach burned me. A bitter taste was in my mouth. While I grizzled quietly, my mother stroked my head, ran her little finger down into the soft indentation at the base of my skull.

'If I go to Voorstand now,' Bill said, 'I know I'm going to lose you.'

'You can't lose me, sweets,' she said. 'I'll always be here.'

'You want me to go,' he said.

'No, I want you to stay.'

'Tray bon. I'll stay.'

'If you stay, mo-chou, that's your business, but if I persuade you to stay you might hate me for ever.'

'I guess,' Bill said, lying on his side, stroking his chest with the back of his fingernails.

'You guess? guess? You're not meant to agree with me.' She started tickling him. He squirmed and tried to still her. As they b.u.mped and rolled, I lay there between them, a concrete fact of life. I kicked my legs and farted. You're not meant to agree with me.' She started tickling him. He squirmed and tried to still her. As they b.u.mped and rolled, I lay there between them, a concrete fact of life. I kicked my legs and farted.

'Watch the baby.'

They came to rest with Bill lying on my mother. She put her hand out, just checking me.

'It's your life,' she said again, but she had become sad, and the animation had left her face.

'Oh Flick,' Bill said, 'I feel so bad, mo-chou. I get offered a part and all it does is make me feel like s.h.i.t.'

My mother smiled wanly. She had sore b.r.e.a.s.t.s, cracked nipples. She did not mention them.

'I know it is an honour.'

My mother stroked my head. There was a clap of thunder.

'It's a great honour,' my dab repeated, a little petulantly.

'Sweets, you must not make a meal of it,' my mother said. 'You have been cast in a show, that's all. Now you have to decide if you want the part or not.'

My father rolled off my mother.

'Croco cristi,' he said. 'I'm the first Efican actor to be cast in a Saarlim Sirkus!' He stood up by the bed and looked down on us. There was a second clap of thunder. The rain intensified.

I went to sleep. When I woke hours later b.u.t.tery sunshine was shining on the rain-splattered windows. My mother was wearing a large white T-shirt and Bill bare-chested, dressed only in white canvas frippes was sitting on the end of the bed. Their argument had not developed.

'It's only a f.u.c.king Sirkus,' my mother said, 'for G.o.d's sake. You're not about to invent penicillin. Do it or don't do it.'

'All right I will.'

'Will what?' my mother said, kneeling beside me, flipping me on to my back and removing my bandock.

'Do it,' Bill said.

'Well, if you want to ...'

'No, I don't want want to, but the company can use the money.' to, but the company can use the money.'

'Hand me the wipes.'

'Please?'

'Please.'

'It's a lot of money,' Bill said. 'More than anyone in the Feu Follet was ever offered.'

My mother picked me up and pulled up her T-shirt. I was hungry, but I also knew that each time I fed on those hard white b.r.e.a.s.t.s it made my stomach hurt again. To make things worse, she was not concentrating, and although you would not detect it in her tone she was agitated.

'Don't be frightened of the company meeting,' she said to my dab. 'They'll tell you what a hypocrite you are, but in the end they'll agree that it's a good thing to get thirty per cent of your salary. It's never any different.'

'You're the one who hates the Saarlim Sirkus.'

'Sweets, I hate it here, not there. In Saarlim, the Saarlim Sirkus is just the Saarlim Sirkus. I don't hate it in Saarlim.'

'It's so tedious,' Bill said, staring at us distractedly. 'There's always the same posturing, and then they accept.'

What he was talking about was the collective policy those who got 'straight' jobs contributed 30 per cent of their salary or fees to the company. Each job offer had to be considered by the company as a whole. So when Sparrowgra.s.s Glashan, for instance, was offered a part in an ice-cream commercial everybody gathered to weigh up the public benefit and the moral damage. You never heard such long and protracted deliberations.

Bill, it turned out, had called a company meeting for ten that morning. You need a certain sense of your own importance to call a theatre meeting at that hour. My mother, who might normally have advised him to have the meeting later, withheld her counsel. It was as if she had decided to let the dice fall as they would.

The dark theatre had a smell which was never present when a show was on. Perhaps the big ca.s.seroles burnt away the odours of damp and dust and poverty, but when Bill stood before us on the sawdust and frowned and rubbed his denim shirt against his pectorals, the ca.s.seroles were dark and a single 100-watt work light provided the illumination.

As he delivered the news, he made himself in spite of the arrogance of the hour small before us, belittled his talents (as he was expected to) and talked about the moral and artistic consequences of the role in terms that may strike you someone for whom Efica is small and unimportantas grandiose, if not comic.

What this poor theatre saw itself doing was inventing the culture of its people. So even while the rain leaked through the ancient roof and ran in a rippling wash down the back wall, the young man who paced back and forth on the sawdust stage presented himself as someone involved in a moral judgement which had the highest consequences. He was going to work in the interests of please do not take this personally the enemy. I do not mean your country, but your Sirkus. In its celebration of the individual, in its inequitable rewards for luck, in its invitation to have the audience be complicitous in the not infrequent death of performers, it ran counter to everything we Eficans held so dear. The Saarlim Sirkus was thrilling, spectacular, addictive, but also heartless. Was this all? No it was not, but it is enough for now.

My father was impressive. Despite his lack of education, his mind was the most cla.s.sically inclined of all the actors. He had an almost Jesuitical sense of argument, and when he came to the conclusion of his formal statement, my mother squeezed me hard in her lap.

On that stage on that long ago Sunday morning, Bill Millefleur shone, a star already, and the members of our collective, sitting under that dark and distant canopy, were happy for him, jealous, relieved to hear that such substantial funds would be brought into the Feu Follet.

Just the same: when he concluded that the immense size of the salary meant that he was obliged, on moral grounds, to take the part they smiled, some more cynically than others. When he said that he was frightened of the role, and, indeed, might still refuse it, his obvious excitement made him appear disingenuous and his colleagues' laughter had a harder, less patient edge. Those who stood to speak afterwards were harsher than they might otherwise have been. They could not imagine he might really say no.

*Solveig Mappin (271336), the young wife of Henry Mappin, Red Prime Minister of Efica (240307).

14.

To reach your great capital, Bill would have to fly for three hours above the long island chain of Efica and then for five hours more across the landlocked web of lakes and inland seas, the great green and gold hinterland of Voorstand dotted with the mushroom shapes of Sirkus Domes and what he said was true: he was was frightened, not only that he would lose my maman, but also that he would somehow lose himself at the other end of this great maze. frightened, not only that he would lose my maman, but also that he would somehow lose himself at the other end of this great maze.

We Eficans, generally speaking, were frightened of Saarlim. It may make you smile to think how much: how we rubbed and burnished our idea of its cruelty and ruthlessness.

My father was a colonist, an islander, an Efican. He was, by definition, not a Voorstander. When he spoke his lines in Saarlim, he would need to abandon his soft, self-doubting Efican patois Shapoh, mo-ami, mo-chou, cambruce Shapoh, mo-ami, mo-chou, cambruce learn to speak with a clip to his consonants, give up his Feu Follet habits of irony and self-mockery. To you he would be an exotic performer introducing live animals into the Sirkus. learn to speak with a clip to his consonants, give up his Feu Follet habits of irony and self-mockery. To you he would be an exotic performer introducing live animals into the Sirkus.* But to himself (and to us) our circus boy would be acting out, with his own body, the surrender of our frail culture to your more powerful one. He would be singing your songs, telling your stories, and this went strongly against the grain, undercut the whole notion of who he thought he was. So even though the collective had told him, But to himself (and to us) our circus boy would be acting out, with his own body, the surrender of our frail culture to your more powerful one. He would be singing your songs, telling your stories, and this went strongly against the grain, undercut the whole notion of who he thought he was. So even though the collective had told him, go go, he could not let it be so easy.

Back in the tower, he said the same things he had said before.

My maman also: 'Listen to me,' she said. 'It is your life.' life.'

It was perhaps the twentieth time she had said it, but this time something different happened. Bill began to comb his thick black hair with both hands, rapidly. 'What does that mean, Felicity?' He used only a slice of his great booming actor's voice, a whisper, thin and nasty as a piece of wire: 'What exactly does that mean?' mean?'

It was now three in the afternoon. My maman lay down with me on her unmade bed, fully dressed. She pulled the blanket up over us, and looked up at my father with her green eyes.

'What?' he said. he said.

She pulled her hair back from her forehead and held it at the nape of her neck. She was the mother of a scary child with special needs, the owner of a theatre whose existing debts would easily consume Bill's 30 per cent.

'What?' he insisted.

'I didn't say anything,' she said.

'What you thought.' thought.'

She turned her head aside, exhausted.

'You thought ...' Bill insisted.

'You have to go,' she said. She felt sick in her stomach, but she was an actor, too she smiled. 'Take the part.'

'Take it?'

'You have to go have to go, mo-chou,' she said, sitting up. It was not so hard as you would think this moment. 'You'll see the best theatre in the world, every night. You'll do voice with Fischer and movement with Hals or Miriam Parker. You'll be a great actor. actor. You'll never be a great actor here.' You'll never be a great actor here.'

'Flick, you know this isn't acting. It's a f.u.c.king Sirkus.' Sirkus.'

'The Sirkus won't last for ever,' she said. 'You won't be seduced by Sirkus. The Sirkus is mechanical and manipulative. I wouldn't love a man who could be seduced by Sirkus.'

If her eyes now slid away from his, it was because she was not telling the truth and she was ashamed. She could not stop thinking about the money he would earn. She coveted it almost as much as she feared losing him.

She was a woman who owned only three dresses, two pairs of shoes, who was always scratching around for extra in order to pay her mortgage, or her actors, or build the sets, or repair the ancient lead plumbing. If you had asked the actors, still gathered in the theatre downstairs, they would have said my maman was rich. And it was true that she owned the crumbling bricks and powdery mortar of the Feu Follet and she had capital invested which returned her a small income, but not enough, not nearly enough, and the future of the theatre was always in doubt. The thought of all that Sirkus money drove her crazy with guilt and longing.

'You want want me to go,' Bill said. me to go,' Bill said.

'No,' she said. 'How could you say that? I don't want want you to go, sweets. I you to go, sweets. I want want you to stay.' you to stay.'

'It is a lot of jon-kay ...'

'Never do anything for money,' my maman said. 'Never, ever.'

'That isn't what you said before.'

'It's what I'm saying now,' she said. 'It's your life, but if you want to know what I think you're an Efican actor. You belong here, with us. We have important work to do. We have a whole d.a.m.n country to invent.'

The light was behind Bill when she said this. She did not see him start to cry, and it was a moment before she caught the sheen of the tears on his beautiful high cheeks. She left the bed and put her long pale arms around his neck.

'Don't cry, Billy-fleur.'

'Just let me go,' he said. 'Please, just let me go.'

'Darling, darling,' she said softly, standing on tip-toes. 'Do whatever it is you want.' She kissed him with her mouth soft and open, kissed his big rough salty face.

'You're right.' He withdrew from her to carefully blow his nose. 'If I stay, I'll always regret it.'

She took his handkerchief from him and threw it on the bed. She stretched up to kiss his lower lip. 'If you stay, you stay. Baby,' she said, smiling, but retreated to the bed, to the other baby. 'Your son has thrown up on the blanket,' she said, but neither of them did anything to remedy it. They sat, and waited, as if something would happen.

And, indeed, something did eventually happen.