"Still can't say it, can you?" Harlan's mouth twisted in that grim smile. "What is it about me, Ursula? Are you ashamed of wanting me? Do you feel like you'd be lowering yourself to admit to it, that you're attracted to, that you might love, a mere mercenary? Because if that's the case, I'll walk away and never importune you again. If it's about getting over the past, I can wait, but if you truly hold me in contempt, tell me right now."

He'd kept his voice low, for my ears alone, but his words hit me like fists, intense and full of wounded fury. If he brought this powerful rage to the battlefield, he'd be a fearsome opponent. More so than I'd even thought.

"I don't hold you in contempt." I tried to speak in a level tone, but my voice cracked over the last word, my heart swelling with an unbearable ache. Too much. All of it.

"What, then?"

I swallowed, held it in. "It's not about you. I already said this. I can't be this person you want me to be! Danu take your ultimatum. I can't speak of what happened. I can't-" To my utter horror, what I thought would be a break to breathe in, to think of the right words, came out as a sob instead. I clapped my hand over my mouth, as if I might stuff the traitorous sound back inside. Harlan's visage instantly transformed from wounded anger to deep concern.

"Here, now." He pulled me into an embrace that I couldn't manage to resist. "Don't weep, my fearless hawk."

"I'm not." Because it was there, and because it was better than letting him see my weakness, I buried my face in his shoulder, hating that I felt better for doing so. "Oh, Danu-they're all watching me fall apart. I can't bear it."

"There's no shame in feeling emotion. It doesn't make you weak. Strength is in bearing our wounds, living through them, and carrying forward regardless-not in pretending they never existed."

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I whispered. I needed to pull away, to stand on my own feet. Not lean against this man who somehow cut me open with a few words.

"Nothing is wrong with you. You've been alone for years. Most of your life, maybe, and the accumulation of being eaten up from the inside out is more than even you can withstand."

His analogy took my breath away. I was hollow inside. A brittle shell over a rotten core. Thin skin over a festering sore. "Bad timing for me to break now."

"You won't break if you'll only bend a little." His lips pressed against my temple. "Bend a little, my brave hawk."

It sounded fine in theory. "I don't know how."

"I'll help. Let me carry you."

Weary beyond belief, I couldn't fight him anymore. He must have sensed my tacit agreement, because he swept me up into his arms, carrying me like a bride over the threshold. The barrier resisted, palpably buzzing against my skin, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and touched my cheek to his. The barrier gave with a pop and we stepped through. As we did, the jewel at my hip flared, sending a startling jolt through me, so that I had to bite down on a yip of almost-pain.

"Is Ursula injured worse than she said?" came Andi's worried voice.

"Injured, yes. And exhausted," Harlan answered for me. "She's been through a great deal. Give us a little time here."

"No." I struggled and he set me down, giving me a look that said he saw through me. I scrubbed my hands over my face, grateful that the swollen bruising would hide any sign of redness or tears. "I'm fine to go on."

Andi shook her head slightly, as if answering some silent question. "It's late and you've traveled since early morning. We have a camp nearby so will spend the night there."

"We don't need to-"

"Yes, we do," Andi interrupted. "Rayfe has already taken Dafne there."

Which proved how off my game I was, that I hadn't noted their absence immediately.

"We'll go the rest of the way in the morning, to the capital city. But first-do you have something on you? Something"-she flicked a cagey glance at Harlan-"unusual."

The Star of Annfwn. She'd felt it, too. By dint of will I didn't touch it and managed a casual affect. "I don't know what you mean."

She narrowed her eyes, scanning me. "I think you do, but we'll speak of it later."

"I will keep your secrets," Harlan inserted. "Especially as I suspect I know what it is already. And, if so, it concerns me also." A reminder that I had never answered his questions about it.

I stared them both down, refusing to give any reply. Mother had only told me never to speak of the stone to anyone, not what I was meant to do with it. I'd have to give thought to how to handle this, as well. My head throbbed. I ignored it.

"Later," Andi repeated. "Meanwhile"-she gestured with open palms, a proud light in her eyes-"welcome to Annfwn."

She had a right to be proud. Our mother's homeland was as extraordinary as the stories she'd spun about it. Her voice whispered in my head, her longing as palpable now as then.

The horses had been unsaddled and turned out while Harlan and I argued, so we all walked to the lakeside camp, a short distance away. Relieved for some distraction from my ragged state of mind, I took refuge in observing the landscape.

Near the barrier, the forest seemed much like the one along the pass we'd ascended, except that late summer in Annfwn felt softer, with more moisture in the air. The pine needles grew longer, more luxuriant, and flowers in astonishing colors gleamed under the trees and swelled into profusions of jewel tones in the meadows. Birds flitted overhead, some natural to Mohraya and its surrounds, others with trailing feathers like rainbows or the richest gowns of the court ladies.

As I watched, a flock of birds landed in the meadow and-in an undetectable transition-became a herd of white deer, falling on the acid-green grasses with enthusiasm. Harlan made a surprised noise next to me and Andi turned, giving him an impish smile. "Staymachs," she said, as if that explained anything. "Ursula-you may recall them as the ratlike creatures that participated in the attack on Ordnung. You killed more than a few in that battle."

"It was necessary."

"I'm not criticizing," she replied in a mild tone, the one she used to indicate she thought I was being unreasonable. "I know full well you were protecting me and the castle. They change shape, but out of instinct or when directed by a handler. About as intelligent as horses."

Which meant Andi would have an affection for them. Of course she did for all animals. "I'll try to refrain from slaughtering any more of them," I told her, gratified when she flashed me a more natural grin.

"I appreciate that. They are, incidentally, the creatures that spirited away your Hawks and Captain Harlan's men. Useful for performing minor magics such as that."

"I take it that you're using 'minor' as a relative term," Harlan commented in such a dry tone that I snorted out a laugh, despite everything. He slid me a glance full of ironic humor and touched me on the small of my back, so lightly I almost didn't feel it. I didn't know how to handle his concern for me, but at the moment I appreciated having him there.

Most disconcerting.

"Well, when compared with the magic that keeps Annfwn tropically warm while winter rages an arm's length away? Yes, relatively minor," Andi agreed.

"How does that work, anyway?" I asked her.

"Not telling."

"Is that how it is?"

She gave me a considering look. "Shall we trade answers for answers? Because I have a few questions for you."

"You can ask," I replied, feeling on more sure footing now.

"That's what I thought."

Andi and I exchanged a smile, and for a moment, it felt like no time had passed and we were back at Ordnung, before Rayfe came into our lives. Being honest with myself, though, I had to face that even then the festering wound had been growing. I'd just been more able to cover it up and concentrate on other things. Eaten up from the inside out. I couldn't think about it and maintain the command I needed to.

We rounded a bend and the lake spread out before us, mirror bright, reflecting the towering peaks with perfect clarity and ringed with a crown of unspoiled forest. On the near side, on a lush green lawn worthy of Uorsin's exacting standards, a crew of Tala had set up tents and tables, lanterns already glowing in the shadows cast by the lowering sun. The trampled grass between tents showed they'd been in place for possibly several days.

"How long have you been waiting for us to arrive?" I asked Andi.

She lifted a shoulder. Let it fall. Far too casual. "Since I knew you were on your way."

"That's hardly a definitive answer."

"You don't expect me to reveal the extent of Annfwn's spy and defense network, do you?"

"I didn't expect you to have grown canny about strategy, no. You never paid attention to those lessons before. What changed?" I knew the answer before she spoke it. Already her gaze and attention had found Rayfe, wild black hair streaming down his back as he pointed out sights to Dafne. Though he spoke to the librarian, his eyes had found Andi as soon as we came into view, and the connection that vibrated between them hummed like a plucked harp string. I could nearly see it and wondered if this was what she meant.

Andi touched my hand. "I found something that mattered."

It stung. "Ordnung should have mattered to you."

"You can't force loyalty, Ursula. I never felt the way you did."

"I know." And I hated it. Uorsin, though, had always treated her with suspicion. Much as I'd tried to coax her into toeing the line, into being a daughter he could trust, I'd also been glad enough for his shunning her. Better that than a more unpleasant sort of attention.

"We'll talk more later. For the moment, come and eat. Rest. I've called someone to tend your injuries as well."

"I don't need-"

"Thank you, Queen Andromeda," Harlan cut me off. "We appreciate that."

She laughed, taking us in. "First Ami, now you. Annfwn is magical, indeed. I'll fetch the healer."

"Whatever that means," I muttered darkly, scowling after her.

"I think you know." Harlan ran a hand up my back, reminding me of the way Rayfe had touched Andi. "You'll feel better to have at least the concussion tended."

"I'll feel better not to have you all nagging me to death."

"That, too."

The Tala healer did not inspire much confidence. Looking like a feral version of the Moranu priestess I'd met at Windroven, she wore her white hair long, in unkempt braids, and possessed light green eyes similar to Ash's. He'd saved Ami's life, I had no doubt, though I'd been banned from watching exactly what he did. The eye color might indicate the healing ability, as it seemed they didn't all have it.

She stepped into the tent I'd been given-surprisingly luxurious within-and stopped immediately upon entering, sucking in a breath so abruptly that Harlan nearly drew his blade. Her gaze fixed on the sword I still wore, then flew to my face.

"Of course she gave it to you," the priestess murmured, almost to herself. "We should have known. Welcome home, Princess Ursula, daughter of Salena, Star of Danu-we've awaited this day more years than I care to count." Her brown hands wove a complicated pattern in the air and she knelt, pressing her forehead to my feet.

Harlan hadn't missed a detail, settling himself back on the cushion he'd appropriated to oversee the proceedings, with half a smile for my discomfort and a pointed glance at my sword. No, he hadn't missed a thing. Danu take him for his stubborn refusal to leave me unguarded. As if I needed guarding.

Before I found a way to urge the woman up, she uncoiled with fluid grace and studied me, all professionalism now. "Returning to Annfwn has helped, but you've more healing to do," she pronounced. "Please sit."

Figuring to get this over with quickly, I complied, steeling myself not to flinch when her sure touch found the still substantial lump at the back of my skull.

"You took quite a hit," she observed. "Cracked the bone."

"And here some claim it's so thick, too." I flicked a glance at Harlan, who seemed grimly unamused. Magic gathered around the priestess, both like and unlike Andi's. Greener and sparking with life, streaming into me, the pain lessening.

"The nose has been decently reset and should heal clean," she continued, soothing over my cheekbones and brow arches. "The headache is somewhat from the concussion and the rest from that which eats you up inside. Your back, too." She stood before me, lifting my face to gaze deeply into my eyes. Mesmerized, I couldn't seem to look away. "Those injuries are not ones I can heal. Because the pain can't find its way out of your body, it lodges in you, crawling into your bones and muscle to hide. Only you can lance the wound, drain the poison. But you must. You will not be able to do what lies ahead if you are not whole."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Feel. Allow yourself to feel and then release it."

I groped for a reply, but my brain fogged through, sizzling with the fire of her magic. Dimly aware of her lips pressed to my forehead-a benediction that infiltrated my bones with the ache of memory-I lost time for a bit.

So much so that I didn't see her leave.

23.

"Back with us?" Harlan inquired.

I shook my head to clear it. Noted that the sunset light slanting through the tent flaps had declined half an hour at least. "This is one of the many reasons I'm not fond of magic," I commented.

"Understandable." He rose. "People like you and I prefer what we can lay our hands on." Drawing me to my feet, he framed my face with his big hands, as if in demonstration. "If I hadn't witnessed the results myself, I wouldn't have believed it. The bruising, the swelling-all gone as if it never was." His thumbs smoothed over my cheekbones as the priestess had done, but my blood leapt to the caress in a different way, hot, needy. Yearning. "How does your head feel?"

"Better," I managed, focusing on his mouth. Something about the magic had lit me up from within, and I longed to have his lips on me, his hands. I shouldn't want it, want him, but in the exotic intimacy of the tent, I couldn't quite remember what made having him such a bad idea. The clamoring need drowned all else.

His face grew intent, full of lambent desire. "Ah, my hawk. Don't look at me like that."

"I didn't mean to."

"That makes it worse. I don't want to make things more difficult for you."

"I think-" I had to stop. Try again. "I think I need you to kiss me-would you do that?"

With a groan, he brushed my lips with his, sweet, gentle, tender. The touch burned through me, laying me open as he always seemed able to do. It wasn't enough. I moved in, pressing myself to his muscular body, every pore starving for more. Sliding my hands behind his thick neck, I dug my nails in, drinking in his increasingly hungry kisses in great ravenous bites.

We devoured each other, my hunger feeding his, his fueling mine, his hands roving over my body, me pressing against him as if I might somehow pull him inside of me. Through my skin and into me, into that cold, empty, lonely space.

"Ursula," he said against my mouth, trying to pull back. I wouldn't let him, nipping his lip to show my displeasure and holding him there to drink from his hot mouth again. He groaned, kissed me back with urgency. Then wrenched himself away, holding me by the shoulders at arm's length.

"What?" I demanded, hurt and determined to cover it. "I thought you wanted me."

"More than any woman I've known," he ground out. "But not like this."

I looked around. "In a tent, you mean?"

Impatient frustration clouded his brow. "You know full well what I mean, Ursula. I won't touch you until I know what happened."

"Nonsense. Danu take your excuses and your ultimatums," I snapped.

"It's not like that," he fired back. "Stop calling it an ultimatum."

"I won't be pressured into talking about something I don't want to. It's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore."

"You heard what that priestess said, and even I can see how the poison of it works on you."