Although 'tis now nigh thirty years since, I do preserve the pleasantest remembrance of my life in the Low Countries; for, albeit hating the Dutch when I was Poor, I grew to like 'em as a reputable Merchant Adventurer. 'Twas but a small matter prevented me from setting up my Coach, and was only hindered by the fact that the Police Laws of Amsterdam are very strict against Wheeled carriages, allowing only a certain and very small number, lest the rumbling of the Wheels should disturb the good thrifty Burghers at their Accompts. For most vehicles they have what they call a Sley, which is the body of a Coach fastened on to a Sledge with ropes, and drawn by one Horse. A Fellow walks by the side on't, and holds on with one hand to prevent its falling over, while with the other he manages the Reins. A most melancholy Machine this, moving at the rate of about Three miles an hour, and makes you think that you are in a Hospital Conveyance, or else going on a Hurdle to be Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered.

This Amsterdam is the famous town built upon Wooden Piles, as is also Petersburg, and in some order Venice; and from its Timber supports, gave rise to the sportive saying of Erasmus when he first came hither, that he had reached a City where the Citizens lived, like Crows, upon the tops of Trees. And again he waggishly compared Amsterdam to a maimed Soldier, as having Wooden Legs. This Erasmus was, I conjecture, a kind of Schoolmaster, and very learned; but conceited, as are most Bookish Persons.

A Dutchman will save any thing; and this rich place has all come out of saving the Mud, and starving the Fishes. Here Traffic is wooed as though she were a Woman, and Gold is put to bed with Time, and there is much joy over their Bantling, which is christened Interest. A strange, cleanly, money-grubbing Country of Botanic Gardens and Spitting-pans, universal Industry and Tobacco-pipes, Gingerbread and Sawing-mills, Tulip-roots and the Strong Waters of Schiedam, Cheese, Red Herrings, and the Protestant Religion. Peculiar to these People is the functionary called the Aansprecker, a kind of human Bird of Evil Omen, who goes about in a long Black Gown and a monstrous c.o.c.ked Hat with a c.r.a.pe depending from it, to inform the Friends and Acquaintances of Genteel Persons of any one being Dead. This Aansprecker pays very handsome Compliments to the Departed, at so many Stuyvers the Ounce of b.u.t.ter; and this saves the Dutch (who are very frugal towards their Dead) from telling lies upon their Tombstones. When a Man quits, they wind up his Accounts, strike a Balance, and go on to a fresh Folio in the Ledger without carrying any thing forward. At Marriage-time, also, is it the custom among Persons of Figure for the Bride and Bridegroom to send round Bottles of Wine, generally fine Hock, well spiced and sugared, and adorned with all sorts of Ribbons. They have also a singular mode of airing their Linen and Beds, by means of what they call a Trokenkorb, or Fire-basket, which is of the size and shape of a Magpie's Cage, and within it is a pan filled with burning Turf, and the Linen is spread over the Wicker-frame; or, to air the Bed, the whole Machine is placed between the Sheets. Nay, there are sundry Dowager Fraws who do warm their Legs with this same Trokenkorb, using it as though it were a footstool; and considering the quant.i.ty of Linsey Woolsey they wear, I wonder there are not more Fires. To guard against this last, there are Persons appointed whose office it is to remain all day and all night in the Steeples of the highest Churches; and as soon as they spy a Flame, they hang out a Flag if it's Day, or a Lantern if at Night, towards the quarter where the Fire is, blowing a Trumpet l.u.s.tily meanwhile.

Eating and Drinking here very good, save the Water, which is so Brackish that it is not drunk even by the Common People. There are Water-Merchants constantly occupied in supplying the City with drinkable Water, which they bring in Boats from Utrecht and Germany in large stone Bottles, that cost you about Eightpence a-piece English. The Poor, who cannot afford it, drink Rain-water, which gives rise to the merry saying, that a Dutchman's Mouth is for ever open, either to swallow down Smoke or to drink up Rain. And indeed they are a wide-gaping Generation.

Being as yet a Bachelor, I agreed for my Lodging and Victuals with Mr.

Vandepeereboom, who had a fair House, very stately, on one of the Ca.n.a.ls behind the Heeren Gragt, or Lord's Street. 'Twould have had quite a princely appearance, but for a row of Elms in front, which, with their fan, almost concealed the Mansion. The n.o.ble look of the House, too, was somewhat spoilt by its being next door to a shop where they sold Drugs; which like all others of this trade in Holland, had for a sign a huge Carved Head, with the mouth wide open, in front of the window: sometimes it rudely resembles a Mercury's Head, and at other times has a Fool's Cap upon it. This clumsy sign is called _de Gaaper_,--the Gaper,--and I know not the origin of it. Some of the Shop-boards they call _Uithang Borden_, and have ridiculous Verses written upon them; and 'tis singular to mark how much of the Jackpudding these Dutchmen, who are keener than Jews in their Cash-matters, have in them.

Mr. Vandepeereboom was high in the College of Magistrates, and I was ofttimes privileged to witness with him the administration of Justice and the infliction of its Dread Awards,--all here very Decent and Solemn. The Awful Sentence of Death is delivered in a room on the bas.e.m.e.nt-floor of the Stadt House: the entrance through a ma.s.sy folding-door covered with bra.s.s Emblems, such as Jove's Beams of Lightning, and Flaming Swords; above, between the Rails, are the old and new City Arms; and at the bottom are Death's Heads and Bones. The inside of the Hall, mighty handsome, in white Marble, and proper History pieces of the Judgment of Solomon, and Zeleucus the Locrian King tearing out one of his Eyes to save one of his Son's, and Junius Brutus putting his children to Death. On the fore part of the Judgment-seat a fine Marble Statue of Silence, gallantly, but quite falsely, represented by the figure of a Woman on the ground, her finger to her lips, and two Children by her, Weeping over a Death's Head. When the dire Doom of Death is about to be p.r.o.nounced, the Criminal is brought into this Hall, guarded; and nothing is omitted in point of solemnity to impress on his mind (poor wretch!) and on those about him the awful consequences of violating the Laws of the Country; which is a much better mode, I think, of striking Terror into 'em than the French way, where the Magistrates settle the Sentence among themselves in private, and the _Greffier_ comes all of a sudden into the unhappy Person's Cell to tell him that he is to be presently Executed; or even our Old Bailey fashion (though the Black Cap is frightful), where the Culprit is more or less sent to Hang like a Dog,--one down, another come up; and Jack Ketch Drunk all the while with burnt Brandy. 'Twas a thorough knowledge of Human Nature, too, that thought of placing this Dutch hall of Justice on the ground-floor, and its Brazen Door opening into a common Thoroughfare through the Stadt House. I never pa.s.sed by this door without seeing numbers of the Lower Orders of people gazing wistfully through the Rails upon the emblematic objects within, apparently in Melancholy Meditation, and reflecting upon the Ignominious Effects of deviating from the Paths of Virtue.

Out of the Burgomaster's parlour in the same building is a pa.s.sage to the Execution Chamber, or Hall of the Last Prayers, where the Condemned take leave of their Clergy, and pa.s.s through a Window, the lower part of Wood, so that it opens level with the floor of the Scaffold, which is constructed on the outside, opposite the Waag or Weigh House.

As a.s.sociate of one of the Magistrates, I often visited the Dungeons beneath the Stadt House, which are hermetically Sealed unto all Strangers. As places of Confinement, nothing can be more secure; as places of punishment, nothing more Horrible. Here, by the faint light of a Rush Candle, you gaze only on Emaciated Figures, while out of the Dark Shadows issue faint but dismal Groans. Some are here condemned to linger for Life; yet have I known convicted Creatures in this Rat's hole as merry as French Dancing-Masters, whistling, trolling, and gambolling in the Dark; while in the next cell were a number of Women, who, like the general of their s.e.x when in Durance, did nothing but Yell and tear their Clothes to Pieces. But 'tis true that all confined in these dreadful places had committed crimes of a very Malignant nature, and which heartily warranted their being thus cut off from Light and Air, and immured in Regions fit only to be Receptacles for the Dead. Under the Hall of Justice is likewise the Torture Chamber, where Miserable Creatures, at the bidding of their Barbarous Judges, undergo a variety of Torments; one of which is to fasten the Hands behind the Neck with a cord through pulleys secured to the vaulted Ceiling, so as to be jerked up and down. Weights of Fifty Pounds each are then suspended to the Feet, until anguish overpowers the senses, and a Confession of Guilt is heard to quiver on the lips. Public Punishments are inflicted only Four Times a Year, when a vast Scaffold is erected in the s.p.a.ce between the Stadt House and Waag House, as before mentioned. Those that are only to be Whipped endure that compliment with Merciless Severity, and are not permitted to Retire till those who are to Die have suffered, which is either by Decapitation or by the Rope. And this acts as a Warning as to what will happen to 'em next time. On this occasion the Chief Magistrates attend in their Robes. But though Strict, they are mighty Just in administering their Laws, and will not permit the least deviation or aggravation of the Sentence meted out. I did hear of one jocular Rogue, that was condemned, for the murder of half-a-dozen women and children, to have his Head severed from the Trunk at one stroke of the Sword. This Mynheer Merry-Andrew, previous to quitting the Prayer Chamber, lays a Wager with a Friend that the Executioner should not be able to perform his office according to the exact terms of the Sentence.

So, the moment he knelt to receive the Fatal Stroke, he rolled his Head in every direction so violently and rapidly, that the Headsman could not hit him with any chance of severing his Neck at once; and after many fruitless aims, was obliged to renounce the Task. The Officers who were to see the Sentence executed were now in a Great Dilemma. In vain did they try by argument to persuade the Fellow to remain still, and have his Head quietly taken off. At last he was remanded back to Prison, and after an hour's deliberation the presiding Magistrate, upon his own Responsibility, ordered the Gallows to be brought out, and the Fellow to be straightway Hanged thereupon; which was done, to the contentment of the Populace, who were howling with Rage at the fear of being deprived of their Sport. But the strait-laced Dutch Judges and Lawyers all took alarm, and declared that the Fellow had been murdered; and nothing but the high rank and character of the Magistrate preserved him from grievous consequences.

They observe, however, degrees in their Punishments, and are, even in extreme cases, averse from Bloodshed, and willing to try all ways with a criminal before Hanging or Beheading him. Thus have they their famous Rasphuys for the Confinement and Correction of those whose Crimes are not capital. Over the Gate are some insignificant painted wooden figures, representing Rogues sawing Log-wood, and Justice holding a Rod over them; and the like of these, with figures of scourging and branding, they stick up in their Public Walks and Gardens, to show what is Done to those who pluck the Flowers or carve Names upon the Trunks of the Trees, and it has a most wholesome effect in frightening Evil-doers.

So in the Yard of the Rasphuys is a Whipping-post in Terrorem, with another little figure of Justice flagrant with Execution. Here the Rogues saw Campeachy-wood, which seems to be most toilsome work; and yet by practice they can saw Two Hundred Pounds' weight every week with ease, and also make many little Articles in Straw, Wood, Bone, and Copper, to sell to Visitors. They are all clad in White Woollen, which, when they are stained with the Red Sawdust, gives them a Hobgoblin kind of appearance. Here too, in a corner of the Yard, they show the Cell in which if the person who was confined in it did not incessantly Pump out the Water let into it, he must inevitably be Drowned; but this Engine, the Gaolers said, had not been used for many Years, and was only kept up as an object of Terror.

In the east quarter of Amsterdam, Justice is administered in its mildest form; there being the Workhouse close to the Muider Gragt, a place which, I believe, has not its parallel in the whole World. 'Tis partly Correctional and partly Charitable; and when I saw it, there were Seven Hundred and Fifty Persons within the Walls, the yearly expense being about One Hundred Thousand Florins. In the rooms belonging to the Governors and Directresses some exquisite Paintings by Van Dyck, Rembrandt, and Jordaens; and, indeed, you can go scarcely any where in Holland, from a Pig-stye to a Palace, without finding Paintings. Here, in a vast room very cleanly kept, are an immense number of Women occupied in Sewing and Spinning. Among them I saw once a fine hearty-looking Irishwoman, who had been Confined here two whole Years, for being a little more fond of true Schiedam Gin than her lawful Spouse. In another vast Apartment, secured by many Iron Railings and Grated Windows, are the Female Convicts in the highest state of Discipline, and very industriously and silently engaged in making Lace, under the superintendence of a Governess. From the Walls of the Boom are suspended Instruments of Punishment, such as Scourges, Gags, and Manacles, the which are not spared upon the slightest appearance of Insubordination. Then there are Wards for the Men, Schoolrooms for a vast number of Children, and Dormitories, all in the highest state of Neatness. In another part of the Building, which only the Magistrates are permitted to visit, are usually detained ten or a dozen Young Ladies--some of very high Families--sent here by their Parents or Friends for undutiful Deportment, or some other Domestic Offence. They are compelled to wear a particular Dress as a mark of Degradation; are kept apart; forced to work a certain number of hours a day; and are occasionally Whipped. Here, too, upon complaints of Extravagance, Tipsiness, &c., duly proved, can Husbands send their Wives, to be confined and receive the Discipline of the House; _and hither, too, can Wives send their Husbands for the same Cause, for Two, Three, and Four Years together, till they show signs of amended Behaviour_. The Food is abundant, and good; but the Work is hard, and the Stripes are many.

Might not such a course be tried with advantage in England, to abate and cure the frivolities and extravagances of Fashionable People?

So then, as an Honourable Merchant in a city and country where Commerce is reckoned among the n.o.blest of Pursuits, I might, but for my Perverse Fate, have grown Rich, and taken unto myself a Dutch Wife, and had a Brood of little Broad-beamed Children, that should smoke their Tobacco and quaff their Schiedam, even from their Cradle upwards. Indeed, Madam Vanderkipperhaerin of Gouda (the place where the Cows feed in the Meadows clad in Blue-striped Jackets and Petticoats) was pleased to look upon me with Eyes of Favour, and often said it was a Sin and Shame that such a Proper Man as I (as she was good enough to say) was not Married and Settled. And, indeed, why not? I ofttimes asked myself. I had Florins, Guilders, and Stuyvers in abundance; my Partner was a Magistrate, and well reputed worthy: why should I not give Hostages to Fortune, and have done for good and all with the Life of a Roving Bachelor? By this time (although by no means forgetting my own dear native Tongue) I spoke French with Ease and Fluency, if not with Grammatical correctness; and had likewise an indifferently copious acquaintance with the Hollands Dialect. Why should not I be a Magistrate, a Burgomaster? Madam Vanderkipperhaerin was Rich, and had a beautiful Summer Villa all glistening with Bee's-waxed Campeachy-wood and Polished Bra.s.s on the River Amstel, some three miles from the City.

She had a whole Cabinet full of Ostades and Jan Steens in ebony frames, and a Side-board of Antique Plate that might have made Cranbourn Alley jealous. Why did not I avail myself of the many Propitious Moments that offered, and demand the Hand of that most respectable Dutch Dame.

The Melancholy Truth is, that she chose to be jealous of Betje, Mr.

Vandepeereboom's comely Housekeeper, upon whom I declare that I had never cast any thing but innocently Paternal Glances, and utterly deny that I ever foregathered with that young Fraw. She was for moving Mr.

Vandepeereboom to have Betje sent to the Workhouse, there to be set to Spinning, and to receive the usual unhandsome Treatment; and when he refused,--having, in truth, no fault to find with the Poor Girl,--Madam, in a Huff, withdrew her Countenance and Favour from me, and, with sundry of her spiteful gossips, revived the old Story of my having several Wives alive in different parts of Europe and the New World. Surely there was never yet a man so exposed to calumny as poor John Dangerous!

Then, to make matters worse, there came that sad Affair of the Beguine.

Flesh and blood! a mortal man (I suppose) is not to be reckoned among the vilest of Humanity because he falls in Love. How could I help Wilhelmina van Praag being a Beguine? Moreover, a Beguine is not a Nun.

The Beguines belong to a modified kind of Monastic Order. They reside in a large House with a wall and ditch around it, and that has a Church and Hospital inside, and is for all the world like a little Town. But the Sisterhood is perfectly secular; they mingle with the inhabitants of the city, quit the Convent when they choose, and even marry when they are so minded; but they are obliged, so long as they belong to the Order, to attend Prayers a certain number of times a day, and to be within the Convent-walls at a stated hour every evening. To be admitted to this Order, they must be either unmarried or widows without children; and the only certificate required of them is that of Good Behaviour, and that they have a Competence to live upon. You may ask, if this almost entire Liberty be granted them, what there was to hinder Mynheer Jan van Dangerous and the Fair Beguine Wilhelmina van Praag from coming together as Man and Wife? Wilhelmina was the comeliest Creature (save one) that I have ever seen; and, but that she was a little Stout, would have pa.s.sed as the living model for the St. Catherine which Signor Raphael the Painter did so well in Oils. I don't think I loved her; but she took my Fancy immensely, and meeting her in the houses of divers Honourable Families in Amsterdam, 'tis not to be concealed that I courted her with much a.s.siduity. This, by some mischief-making Persons, was held to be highly compromising to the Fair Beguine. For all that I had become a Grave Merchant, there was yet somewhat of the Gentleman of the Sword and Adventurer on the High Seas about me; and a great hulking Cousin of the young Fraw, that was a Lieutenant in their High Mightinesses Land Forces,--the Amphibious Grenadiers I call 'em, and more used to Salt-water than Salt-petre,--must needs challenge me to the Duello. The laws against private warfare being very strict in Holland, we were obliged to make a journey into Austrian Flanders, to Arrange our Difficulty; and meeting on the borders of the Duchy of Luxembourg, I--Well, is Jack Dangerous to be blamed for that he was, in the prime of Life, an approved Master of Fence?

The Lieutenant being dead of his Wounds (received in perfectly fair fight), the whole City of Amsterdam must needs cry out that I had murdered the Man; and the Families who had once been eager to receive me turned their backs upon me. Then the Fair Beguine must go into a craze; and, upon my word, when I heard how Mad she was, and how they had been obliged to shut her up in the Hospital, I could not help thinking of the History of my Grandmother, and did mistrust meeting the young Fraw van Praag again (for she was very Sweet, I believe, with the Spark that forced me to fight with him), for fear that she should Pistol me. But she did not; and Recovered, to marry a very Wealthy Shipmaster named Druyckx.

While this Ugly Business was the talk of all tongues (but Mr.

Vandepeereboom clapped me on the Shoulder, and bade me take my Diversion while he minded Business, for that all would Blow Over soon), I took an Excursion ('twas in the third year of my Residence here) into North Holland, to visit the famous village of Brock. Here the streets are divided by little Rivulets, for all the world like Lilliputian Ca.n.a.ls; the Houses and Summer-houses all of Wood, painted Green and White, very handsome, albeit whimsical in their shape, and scrupulously neat. The Inhabitants have a peculiar a.s.sociation among themselves, and scarcely ever admit a Stranger within their Doors. During my stay I only saw the Faces of two of 'em, and then only by a stealthy Peep. They are said to be very rich, and in some of their Kitchens to have Pots and Pans of solid Gold. The Shutters of the Windows always kept closed, and the Householders go to and fro by a Back Door, the Princ.i.p.al Entrance being opened only at Marriages and Deaths. The Street Pavement all set out with Pebbles and c.o.c.klesh.e.l.ls, and no Dogs or Cats were seen to trespa.s.s upon it; and formerly there was a law to oblige all Pa.s.sengers to take off their Shoes. Here it was that a Man was once Convened and Reprimanded for Sneezing in the Streets; and, latterly, a Parson, I heard, upon being appointed to fill the Church on the Demise of an old Predecessor, gave great offence to his Flock for not taking off his Shoes when he ascended the Pulpit. The Gardens of this strange Village produce Deer, Dogs, Peac.o.c.ks, Chairs, and Ladders, all cut out in Box. I never saw such a Museum of vegetable Statuary in my Life before. On the whole, Brock resembles a trim, sprightly Ball-room, all garnished, lighted up, and the floor well chalked, but not a Soul to Sc.r.a.pe Fiddle or Foot Minuet. Farther from here is Saardam, which, at a distance, looks like a City of Windmills.

_Item._--I forgot to say, that at Brock they tie up the Cows' Tails with Blue Ribbons.

The Houses of Saardam are princ.i.p.ally built of Wood, and every one has a Fantastic kind of Baby Garden. Here is the Wooden Hut where Peter the Great lived, when he wrought as a Shipwright in the Navy-yard. It stands in a Garden, and is in Decent Preservation. The women in North Holland are said to be handsomer than in any other part of the country; but I was out of taste with Beauty when I came hither, and could see naught but ugly Faces.

So, coming back to Amsterdam, I found that Mr. Vandepeereboom's Prediction was fulfilled with a Vengeance, and with Compound Interest.

The Business of the Beguine had Blown Over; but another affair had Blown On, and this very speedily ended in a Blow Up. I am sorry to say that this Fairspoken and seemingly Reputable Mr. Vandepeereboom turned out to be a very Great Rogue. Our Firm was in the Batavian trade, dealing in fine Spices, Nutmegs, Cloves, Mace, Cinnamon, and so forth; also in Rice, Cotton, and Pepper; and especially in the Java Coffee, which is held to be second only to that of Arabia. In this branch of Trade the Dutch have no compet.i.tion, and they are able to keep the price of their Spices as high as they choose, by ordering what remains unsold at the price they have fixed upon it to be Burnt. How it came to pa.s.s that the Spice Ships consigned to us were all wrecked on the High Seas and never insured; that the Batavian Merchants, to whom we advanced money on their Consignments, all failed dismally; that every Speculation we entered into went against us, and that we always burnt our Surplus Goods just as prices were about to rise,--I know not; but certain it is, that I had not been three weeks back in Amsterdam before the House of Vandepeereboom and Dangerous went Bankrupt. Now 'tis an ugly thing to be Bankrupt in Holland. The people are so thrifty and persevering, and so jealous of keeping their Engagements, that the very rarity of Insolvency makes it Scandalous. A Trading Debtor being a character very seldom to be met with, he is held in more Odium in Holland than in any other part of Europe. Yet are their Laws of Arrest milder than with us in England, where for a matter of Forty Shillings an Honest Man becomes the prey of a Catchpole, and for years after he has paid the Debt itself, with exorbitant Costs to some Knavish Limb of the Law, may still continue to Rot in Gaol for the Keeper's Fees or Garnish. Here, if the Debtor be a Citizen or Registered Burgher (as I was), he is not subject to have his Person seized at the suit of his Creditors, until three regular Summonses have been duly served upon him to appear in the Court, which Processes are completed in about a month; after which, if he does not obey it, he may be laid hold of, but only when he has quitted his House; for in Holland a Man's Dwelling is held even more sacred than in England, and no Writ or Execution whatever is capable of being served upon him so long as he keeps close, or even if he stands on the threshold of his Home. In this Sanctuary he may set at Defiance every Claimant; but if he have the Hardihood to appear Abroad, the Sergeants collar him forthwith. But even in this case he goes not to a common Gaol or Prison for Felons, but to a House of Restriction, where he is properly entreated, and maintained with Liberal Humanity; the Expense of which, as well as the Proceedings, must all be defrayed by the Creditors. This regards only the private Gentleman Debtor; but woe betide the Fraudulent Trader! The Bankrupt Laws of Holland differ from ours in this respect, that all the Creditors must sign the Debtor's Certificate, or Agreement of Liberation. If any decline, the Ground of their Refusal is submitted to Arbitrators, who decide as to the merits of the case; and if the Broken Merchant be found to be a Cheat, no Mercy is shown him. The Rasphuys, the Pillory, nay, even the Dungeons beneath the Stadt House, may be his Doom.

This, Mr. Vandepeereboom (being a born Dutchman) knew very well; and he waited neither for Deliberations as to his Certificate, nor for Arbitrators' award. He e'en showed his Creditors a clean Pair of Heels, and took Shipping for Harwich in England. I believe he afterwards prospered exceedingly in London as a Crimp, or Purveyor of Men for the Sea-Service, and submitted to the East India Company many notable plans for injuring the Commerce of the Hollanders. I have likewise reason to think that he did me a great deal of harm amongst my late Owners at Bristol and elsewhere, saying that I had been the Ruin of him with Wasteful Extravagance and Deboshed Ways, and that but for his Intercession I should have been Broken on the Wheel for unhandsome Behaviour to the Fair Beguine. Ere he flitted, he left me a Letter, in which he had the Impudence to tell me that he had long since drawn out my Account from the Bank of Amsterdam, thinking himself much better able to take care of the Money than I was. Furthermore he contemptuously advised me to try some other line than Commerce, for which I was, through my Former Career--or Vagabond Habits, as he had the face to call it--in no wise Fitted. Finally, he ironically wished me a Good Deliverance from the hands of the a.s.sessors of the Commercial Tribunal, and, with a Devilish Sneer, recommended his Housekeeper Betje to my care. O Mr. Vandepeereboom, Mr. Vandepeereboom! if ever we meet again, old as I am, there shall be Weeping in Holland for you--if, indeed, there be anybody left to shed tears for such a Worthless Rascal.

This most Dishonest Person, however, did me unwittingly a trifle of good, and at all events saved me from Gyves and Stripes. That Pa.s.sage of his in the Letter about my Funds in the Bank of Amsterdam was my Deliverance. 'Twas widely known that I was but a simple Seafaring Man, unused to Mercantile Affairs, and that I had really brought with me the considerable Sum of Twenty Hundred Pounds. I was arrested, it is true, and lay for many Months in the House of Restriction; but interest was made for me, and the Creditors of the Broken House agreed to sign a Certificate of Liberation. I believe that but for that mournful business of the Beguine, and for that confounded Officer that I sworded, some of the Wealthy Merchants would have subscribed to an a.s.sociation for setting me up again; but that Rencounter was remembered to my hurt, and, says Mynheer van Bommel, when he brought me my Certificate, "Hark ye, Friend Englander; you are Free this time. Take my advice, and get you out of Holland as quick as ever you can; for their High Mightinesses, to say nothing of the Worshipful Burgomasters of this City, have a misliking for Men that are too quick with the Sword and too slow with the Pen; and if you don't speedily mend your way of Life, and bid farewell to this Country, you will find yourself sawing of Campeachy-wood at the Rasphuys, with Dirk Juill, the Beadle, standing over you with a Thong." Upon which I thanked him heartily; and he had the Generosity to lend me Fifty Florins to furnish my present needs.

I was no longer a Young Man. I was now long past my fortieth year, again almost a Pauper, Friendless and Unknown in the World; yet did I feel Undaunted, and confident that Better Days were in store for me. Pouching my Fifty Florins, I first followed the Burgomaster's advice by getting out of Holland as quick as ever I could, and betook myself by Treyckshuyt and Stage Wagon to the city of Bruxelles in Brabant. Here I abode for some months in the house of a clean Widow-woman that was a Walloon, who, finding that I was English, and, besides, a very tolerable French Scholar, procured me several Pupils among the Tradesfolk in the neighbourhood of the Pet.i.t Sablon (hard by the Archd.u.c.h.ess Governante's Palace), where I dwelt on a Sixth Floor. By degrees I did so increase my number of Pupils, that I was able to open a School of some thirty Lads and La.s.ses. To both indifferently I taught the Languages, with Writing and Accompts; while for the instruction of the latter in Needlework and other Feminine Accomplishments I engaged my Landlady's Daughter, a comely Maiden, albeit Red-haired, and very much pitted with the Small-pox. Figure to yourself Captain Jack Dangerous turned Dominie! I am venturesome enough to believe that I was a very pa.s.sable Pedagogue; and of this I am certain, that I was entirely beloved by my Scholars.

The sufferings I had undergone while a Captive in the hands of that Barbarous Wretch, Gnawbit, had never been effaced from my Memory, and had made me infinitely tender towards little Children. Indeed I could scarcely bear to use the Ferula to them, or nip 'em with a Fescue, much less to untruss and Scourge 'em, as 'tis the brutal fashion of Pedants to do; nor do I think, though I disobeyed Solomon's maxim, and Spared the Rod, that I did much towards Spoiling any Child that was under my care. I made Learning easy and pleasant to my Youngsters, by telling them all sorts of moving and marvellous Stories, drawn from what Books of History I had handy (and these I admit I coloured a little, to suit the Imaginations of the Young), and others concerning my own remarkable Adventures, in which, however extraordinary they seemed, I always took care to adhere strictly to the Truth, only suppressing that which it was not proper for Youth and Innocence to be made acquainted with.

But Schoolkeeping is a tiresome trade. One cannot be at it day and night too; and a Man must have some place to Divert himself in, when the toils of the day are over. I found out a Coffee-House in the Rue de Merinos, or Spaan Scheep Straet, as the Flemings call it, in strange likeness to our tongue, and there, over my Tobacco, made some strange Acquaintance.

There was one De Suaso, an Empiric, that had writ against the English College of Physicians, and was like to have made a Fortune by his famous Nostrum for the Gout, _the Sudorific Expulsive Mixture_; but that Scheme had fallen through, it having been discovered that the Mixture was naught but Quicksilver and Suet, which made the Patients perspire indeed, but turned 'em all, to the very Silver in their Pockets, as Black as Small-Coal Men. Now, he had become a kind of Pedlar, selling Handkerchiefs made at Amsterdam, in imitation of those of Naples, with Women's Gloves, Fans, Essences, and Pomatums--and in fact all the Whim-Whams that are known in the Italian trade as _Galanterie le piu curiose di Venezia e di Milano_. But his prime trade was in Selling of Snuff, for the choicer sorts of which there was at that time a perfect Rage among the Quality, both of the Continent and of England. This De Suaso used to Laugh, and say that the best venture he had ever made was from a Parcel of Snuff so bad and rotten, that he was about to send it back to the Hamburg Merchant who had sold it him, when one day, plying at the chief Coffee-House, as was his wont, my Lord Hautgoustham, an English n.o.bleman, desired him to fill his box with the choicest Snuff he had. Thinking my Lord really a Judge, he gives him some undeniable _Bouquet Dauphine_; but the Peer would have none of it. Then he tries him with one Mixture after another, but always unsuccessfully; until at last he bethinks him of the Musty Parcel he has at home, and accordingly, having fetched some of that, returns to the Coffee-House, and says that he has indeed a Snuff of extraordinary Smell and Taste, but that 'tis extravagantly dear. Lord Hautgoustham tries it, and calls out in an ecstasy that 'tis the most beautiful Snuff he ever put to his Nose. He bought a Pound of it, for which De Suaso charged him at the moderate rate of Four Guineas; and desires to know his Lodging, that he may send his Friends to buy some of this Incomparable Mixture. The Artful Rogue then affects the Coy, says that his Stock of the Snuff is very low, and by degrees raises his price to Eleven Pistoles a Pound, until the English in Brussels have been half-poisoned with his filthy Remnant; when there comes upon the scene a certain Mr. Dubiggin, a rich old English Merchant of the Caraccas, who knew all kinds of Snuff as well as a Yorkshire Tyke knows Horses; and he, telling the n.o.bleman and his Friends how they have been duped, my Lord Hautgoustham, who was of a hot temper, makes no more ado, but kicks this unhappy De Suaso half way down the Montagne de la Cour.

Here, too, I made an Acquaintance who was afterwards the means of working me much Mischief. This was one Ferdinando Carolyi, that said he was a Styrian, but spoke most Tongues, and was a thoroughly accomplished Rascal. He had been a painter of Flower-pieces, and from what I could learn had also made the Mill to go in the way of coining False Money; but at the time I knew him was all for the occult Science called the Cabala. He showed me a whole chestful of Writings at his Lodgings--which were very mean--and declared that he had invented a perfect and particular System, which he called the Astronomical Terrestrial Cabala.

He had run through the whole Pentateuch, and had reduced to the Signs of the Zodiac the words of such Scripture Verses as answered to the same; one to Aries, the second to Taurus, the third to Gemini, and the like. In short, there appeared a kind of Harmony in 'em, particularly when the Terrestrial Cabala (which was of the Dryest) was moistened with a flask or two of good old Rhenish. The whole of this contrivance was to tend towards the Discovery of the Philosopher's Stone. He pretended by these Astronomical Figures to have penetrated into the most essential Arcana of Nature, and all the necessary operations for attaining the _Elixir Philosophorum_, or some such word. But this Carolyi had such a winning Way with him, that he would well-nigh have talked a Donkey's Hind-leg off. He began to tell me about Peter of Lombardy and the great adept Zacharias, and of the blessed Terra Foliata, or Land of Leaves, where Gold is sown to be radically Dissolved in order to its Putrefaction and Regermination in a Fixation which has Power over its Brethren the Imperfect Metals, and makes them like unto itself; and this process (which I believe to have been only a story about a c.o.c.k and a Bull) he called Re-incrudation. In fact my Gentleman almost talked me out of my Senses: and as I thought him a monstrous clever Man, I lent him (although my Purse was as lean as might be) half-a-score of Austrian Ducats, to carry out his experiments in the Universal Menstruum. Alas! I never saw my Ducats nor my Alchemist again. A week after I had lent him the money, he fled on a suspicion of Base Coin; and I had hard work to persuade the Officers of Justice that I had not a hand in his Malpractices. As it was, nearly all my Scholars fell away from my School; and the Impudent Flemings sneered at me as _Mozzoo Kabala_,--in their barbarous Lingo,--and I was pointed out in the streets as a Wizard, a Fortune-teller, a Cunning Man, and what not. So that I was fain, after about ten years' sojourn at Bruxelles, to call in my Dues, gather my few Effects together, and bidding farewell to Flanders, proceed to Paris. It was time; for the Priests were up in arms against me as a Heretic Outlaw, dealing in Magic. The Black Gentry are hereabouts very Bigoted; and although they have no Inquisition, would, I doubt not, have led me a sorry Life, but for my Discretion in timely Flitting.

CHAPTER THE FIFTH.

OF A STRANGE AND HORRIBLE ADVENTURE I HAD IN PARIS, WHICH WAS NEARLY MY UNDOING.

THE Manner of its Coming About was this. I arrived in Paris very Poor and Miserable, and was for some days (when that which I brought with me was spent) almost dest.i.tute of Bread. At last, hearing that some Odd Hands were wanted at the Opera-House to caper about in a new Ballet upon the Story of Orpheus, the Master of the Tavern where I Lodged, who had been a Property-Master at the Theatres, and entertained many of the Playing Gentry, made interest for me, as much to keep me from Starving as to put me in the way of earning enough money to pay my Score to him.

For I have found that there never was in this world a man so Poor but he could manage to run into Debt. In virtue of his Influence, I, who had never so much as stood up in a polite Minuet in my life, and knew no more of Dancing than sufficed to foot it on a Shuffleboard at a Tavern to the tune of Green Sleeves, was engaged at the wages of one Livre ten Sols a night to be a Mime in the same Ballet. But 'twas little proficiency in Dancing they wanted from me. One need not have been bound 'prentice to a Hackney Caper-Merchant to play one of the Furies that hold back Eurydice, and vomit Flames through a Great Mask. They gave me a Monstrous Dress, akin to the _San Benitos_ which are worn by the poor wretches who are burnt by the Inquisition; and my flame-burning was done by an Ingenious Mechanical Contrivance, that had a most delectable effect, albeit the Fumes of the Sulphur half-choked me. And they did not ask for any Characters for their Furies. I tumbled and vomited Flames for at least thirty nights, when one evening, standing at the Side-Scenes waiting for my turn to come on, it chanced that the light gauzy Coats of a pretty little Dancing-girl, that was playing a Dryad in the Wood where Orpheus charms the Beast, caught Fire. I think 'twas the Candle fell out of the Moon-box, and so on to her Drapery; but, at all events, she was Alight, and ran about the Scene, screaming piteously.

The poor little cowardly wretches her Companions all ran away in sheer terror; and as for the two Musqueteers of the Guard who stood sentry at each side of the Proscenium, one dastard Losel fell on his Marrow-bones and began bawling for his Saints, whilst the other, a more active Craven, drops his musket and bayonet with a clang, and clambers into the Orchestra, hitting out right and left among the Fiddlers, and very nearly tumbling into the Big Drum. All this took much less time to pa.s.s than I have taken to relate; but as quick as thought I rushed on to the stage, seized hold of the little Dancing-girl, tripped her up, and rolling her over and over on the Boards, I encompa.s.sed her till the flames were Extinguished. Luckily there was no Harm done. She was Bruised all over, and one of her pretty little Elbows was scratched; but that was all. One of the Gentlemen of the King's Chamber came round from his Box; and the Sardinian Amba.s.sador sends round at once a Purse of Fifty Pistoles, and an offer for her to become his Madam; "For I should like one," his Excellency said, "that had been half-roasted. All these Frenchwomen look as though they had been boiled." When the Little Girl was brought to her Dressing-room, and had somewhat recovered from her Fright, she began to thank me, her Preserver, as she called me, with great Fervour and Vehemence; yet did I fancy that, although her words were excellently well chosen, she spoke with somewhat of an English Accent. And indeed she proved to be English. She was the Daughter of one Mr. Lovell, an English Gentleman of very fair extraction, who had been unfortunately mixed up in the troubles of the Forty-five; and having been rather a dangerous Plotter, and so excepted from the Act of Oblivion, had been fain to reside in Paris ever since, picking up a Crust as he could by translating, teaching of the Theorbo and Harpsichord, and suchlike sorry Shifts. But he was very well connected, and had powerful friends among the French Quality. He was now a very old man, but of a most Genteel Presence and Majestic Carriage. The Little Girl's name--she was now about Eighteen years old--was Lilias, and she was the only one. As she had a marvellous turn for Dancing, old Mr.

Lovell had (in the stress of his Affairs) allowed her to be hired at the Opera House, where she received no less than a Hundred Ecus a month; but he knew too well what mettle Gentlemen of the King's Chamber and Musqueteers of the Guard were made of; and every night after the Performance he came down to the Theatre to fetch her--his Hat fiercely c.o.c.ked, and his long Sword under his arm. So that none dared follow or molest her. And I question even, if he had heard of the Amba.s.sador's offer, whether the old Gentleman would not have demanded Satisfaction from his Excellency for that slight.

When I discovered that this dear little Creature, who was as fair as her name and as good as gold, was my Countrywoman, I made bold to tell her that I was English too; whereupon she Laughed, and in her sweet manner expressed her wonder that I had come to be playing a Fury at the French Opera House. I chose to keep my Belongings private for the nonce; so the old Gentleman, treating me as an honest fellow of Low Degree, presented me with ten Livres, which I accepted, nothing loth, and the Theatre People even made a purse for me amounting to Fifty more. So that I got as rich as a Jew, and was much in favour with my Landlord. But, better than all, the Little Girl, as I was her Preserver, insisted that I should be her Protector too; and old Mr. Lovell being laid up very bad with the rheumatism, I was often privileged to attend her home after the Theatre, walking respectfully a couple of paces behind her, and grasping a stout Cudgel. Father and Daughter lived in the Impa.s.se Mauvaise Langue, Rue des Moineaux, behind St. Rogue's Church; and often when I had got my precious charge home, she would press me to stop to supper, the which I took very humbly at a side table, and listened to the stories of old Mr. Lovell (who was very garrulous) about the Forty-five.

"Bless his old heart," thought I; "I could tell him something about the Forty-five that would astonish him."

'Twas one night after leaving the Impa.s.se Mauvaise Langue that, feeling both cold and dry, I turned into a Tavern that was open late, for a measure of Hot Spiced Wine, as a Night-cap. There was no one there, beyond the People of the House, save a man in a Drugget coat, a green velveteen Waistcoat, red plush Nethers, and a flapped Hat, all very Worn and Greasy. He was about my own age, and wore his own Hair; but the most remarkable thing about him was his Face. I never saw such a Red Face.

'Twas a hundred times more fiery than that of Bardolph in the Play.

'Twas more glowing than a Salamander's. 'Twas redder than Sir Robert Walpole's (the great Whig Minister who, in my youth, was called by the Common "Brandy-faced Bob!"). This man's Face was most terribly puffed and swollen, and the veins all injected with purplish Blood. The tips of his Ears were like two pendant Carbuncles. His little bloodshot Eyes seemed starting from their Sockets, while the Cheeks beneath puffed out like Pillows for his...o...b..ts to rest upon. Not less worthy of remark was it that this Red-faced Man's Lips were of a tawny White. He was for ever scrabbling with his hands among his tufted Locks, and pressing them to his Temples, as though his Head pained him--which there was reason to believe it did.

This strange Person was, when I entered the Wine-shop, in hot Dispute with the Master about some trifling Liquor Score. He would not Pay, he said; no, not he. He had been basely Robbed and Swindled. He had plenty of Money, but he would not disburse a Red Liard. He showed, indeed, a Leathern Purse with two or three Gold Pieces in it, and smaller Money; but declared that he would Die sooner than disburse. And as he said this, he drew out of his pocket a long Clasp-Knife, two-bladed; and opening it, brandished it about, and said they had better let him go, or Worse would come of it.

The Master of the Tavern and his Wife, decent bodies both, were wofully frightened at the behaviour of this Desperado; but I was not to be frightened by such Racketing. I bade him put up his Toothpick, giving him at the same time a Back-Hander, which drove him into a Corner, where he crouched, snarling like a Wild-beast, but offering to do me no hurt.

Then I asked what the To-do was about, and was told that he stood indebted but for Eight Sols, for Half a Litre of Wine, and that they could not account for his Fury. The Man was evidently not in Liquor, which was strange.

These good people were so fl.u.s.tered at the Man's uncommon Demeanour, that, seeing I was Strong and Valiant, they begged me to take him away.

This I did, first discharging his Reckoning; for as he had Money about him, I doubted not but that he would recoup me. I got him into the Street (which was close to the Market of the Innocents, and I lived in the Street of the Ancient Comedy, t'other side of the River), and asked him where he was going.

"To get a Billet of Confession," he made answer.

"Stuff and Nonsense!" I answered, in the French Tongue. "They sell them not at this Hour of Night. Where do you live?"

"In the Parvis of Notre Dame," says he, staring like a Stuck Pig. "O Arnault! O Jansenius! O Monsieur de Paris! all this is your fault!"

And he lugs out of his Pocket a ragged Sheet of Paper, which he said was the last Mandement or Charge of the Archbishop of Paris, and was for reading it to me by the Moonlight; but I stopped him short. I had heard in a vague manner that the Public Mind was just then much agitated by some Dispute between the Clergy and the Parliament concerning Billets or Certificates of Confession; but they concerned neither me nor the Opera House. Besides, an Hour after Midnight is not the time for reading Archbishops' Charges in the Public Streets.

"'Tis my belief, Brother," I said, as soothingly as I could, "that you'd better go Home, and tie a Wet Clout round your Head; or, better still, hie to a Chirurgeon and be let Blood. Have you e'er a Home?"

He began to tell me that his Name was ROBERT FRANcOIS DAMIENS; that he had come from Picardy; that he had been a Stableman, a Locksmith, a Camp-follower, and a Servant at the College of Louis-le-Grand; that he had a Wife who was a Cook in a n.o.ble Family, and a Daughter who coloured Prints for a Seller of Engravings. In short, he told me all save what I desired to know. And in the midst of his rambling recital he stops, and claps his Hand to his Forehead again.