Jem answers the door. Most people look like c.r.a.p if they're a new parent, but he's a model of health compared to how he looked when we first met him. His long, brown curls hang loose across his shoulders and he's barefoot. Jem nods in greeting and steps back; we follow into the slate floored house.

Ruby appears, dressed in a black shift dress with legs bare, scarlet hair piled onto her head. As usual, her face is hidden behind dark eye make up and bright red lipstick.

"Hey, guys," she says with a smile.

"Missed ya, Ruby Tuesday!" I enthuse and hug her. She ducks from under my arms and crosses hers. The personal s.p.a.ce issues haven't changed since she became a mother, then.

Jax hangs back in the doorway, avoiding Ruby's eyes. We head into a bright room, furnished with yellow sofas and a low coffee table. In one corner, there's a baby seat and folded clothes, and I stare. I've seen Ruby with the baby before but still can't fit the two together in my head.

"I thought we were rehearsing?" Jax asks Jem.

I push a plastic baby toy out of the way and flop onto the sofa next to Nate.

The tension between Jem and Jax never fades completely, and takes time to ebb whenever we meet up after time apart. "We are," replies Jem. "I want to run through plans for the tour promo, then I can get back to publicity and make sure everything is booked and ready."

"We've been discussing this for weeks. It's rehearsals we need to get on with ready for The Monday Show next week," retorts Jax.

"He probably wants to make a better impression on this TV appearance than he did in his debut in Amsterdam," replies Ruby.

Jax scowls. "Ha-f.u.c.king-ha."

I bite back a smile. Jax, Nate and me were in the s.h.i.t after the drunken spectacle on Dutch TV, but I still think it was b.l.o.o.d.y hilarious. Awesome night.

"Good point," replies Jem.

Ruby Riot wouldn't be where it is today if it wasn't for Jem Jones, Blue Phoenix guitarist and our manager. He saw the talent and took us on as his project, and pushed us on everybody until people sat up and noticed the band. Before Jem, Jax organised the band while Nate and me would turn up and play. It was Jax recruited Ruby and she added the dimension the band needed. Now Jem's in charge. Jax has never fallen out with Jem artistically, if anything he's inspired by him, but Ruby is an issue.

Ruby and Jax were close before Jem. Not lovers close, though I think Jax harboured those thoughts last year. Problem solved when Jax met Tegan and fell in l.u.s.t. Or love, or whatever. No, Jax's issue is Jem stole Ruby in more ways than one; as far as Jax is concerned Jem got our lead singer pregnant, and Ruby Riot had to hit the brakes. On the Blue Phoenix tour, Jax totally lost his s.h.i.t about the situation when he found out, but that's Jax. If he doesn't get his own way he acts out like a b.l.o.o.d.y princess.

"We need to decide about the States," says Ruby, looking at Jem. "I know Jem's thoughts but I think this should be a band decision."

Jax sits down and rakes a hand through his messy blond hair. "What's the problem? I don't understand why we're not just going."

"We can go for a week instead of the two we planned?" I suggest.

"The baby. Three months is young to travel," says Ruby. "I mean, she could be okay but we're cautious."

"Alb.u.m release means we need maximum marketing," snaps back Jax. "Here and overseas. We need to go to the States. End of."

"Yeah, I get that. Maybe schedule in the New Year?" says Jem.

"New Year? What the h.e.l.l? No, we need to go December at the latest."

Jax and Jem glower at each other and as if to emphasise the point, a baby's cry comes from the adjoining room.

Jem looks to Ruby. "Let me talk to the guys, you see to Quinn," she says, and Jem wanders towards the baby's shrill cries.

"We agreed," snaps Jax. "You agreed. Promo tour Europe and the States."

"And I intend to!" retorts Ruby.

Some days, me and Nate slice through band tension like this with a quip to diffuse issues, but this situation has brewed for a while. There's no point reasoning with Princess Jax when he's in this mood, he won't listen. This time, I half-agree. I don't want the alb.u.m to bomb and have to pin my life back on slogging around pubs and clubs again.

"Do you have room for us anymore?" says Jax in a low voice. "Because seems like the band dropped to the bottom of your priority list."

Ruby steps towards him; they stand face to thunderous face.

I glance at Nate and he rolls his eyes. Here we go... "No. We will go to the States. We'll do everything we're advised," says Ruby. "Jem will be with us, he'll have to suck it up and either get a nanny or look after Quinn himself when I'm busy."

Jax blinks at her. "But you said "

"Jem's overprotective, that's all. He'll loosen up," she says.

"He won't stop you?"

Ruby laughs. "Jax, since when does anybody stop me doing anything that slows down Ruby Riot?"

"Umm. Your daughter?" replies Jax.

Ruby's eyes narrow at his snark. "You guys went back to uni, I'm not the only one with lifestyle distractions."

"She's right," I interrupt. "You know me and Nate were supposed to finish our degrees. Jem has a US tour booked for the summer too, we can go then and -"

"What's the point in touring if our alb.u.m's a f.u.c.king failure? s.h.i.t!" Jax tucks his hands beneath his arms.

"Are you not getting any, mate?" asks Nate. "Tegan holding out on you?"

"What the f.u.c.k?" he snarls.

"This." Nate waves his hand. "Don't push all your frustrations on us!"

I bite my lip and look away. Nate's trying to be funny, but this time he's overstepped the mark.

"This has nothing to do with anything but the band!" Jax snaps.

"We're not going to disappear from the world," I say. "We just toured with Blue Phoenix, the obsession with you by the chicks isn't waning. b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, the lovefest for Jax Lewis is being carefully cultivated by the PR people. n.o.body's gonna forget us in a hurry."

"Too b.l.o.o.d.y well," he mutters. "I need to shift the focus back onto the band and the music. I'm sick of being the poster boy."

I hit on the crux of the issue. "I thought you liked being a rock G.o.d," I say with a laugh.

"Rock G.o.ds shouldn't have girlfriends, apparently," Jax replies.

"What's happening?" I ask "Forget it."

"What's wrong, Jax?" asks Ruby.

"I'm not going to discuss my personal life with you guys. But when the record company's marketing people are trying to hook me into publicity stunts, because we're not doing enough ourselves, then I get antsy."

When Jax stomps out of the room, the rest of us eye each other warily.

"Jesus, he gets worse," says Nate. "Such a b.l.o.o.d.y drama queen!"

Ruby wrinkles her nose. "Yeah, but you know the s.h.i.t him and Tegan face from the media so I understand what Jax is saying if he's being pressured by marketing.."

"You talk to him," I say. "He listens to you." Ruby raises an eyebrow. "Mostly."

"He's right though, we need to rehea.r.s.e. We need to sound good when we go on The Monday Show next week."

Jem appears with his daughter. At least she's not b.l.o.o.d.y crying now, no way do I want to listen to that all day. The little girl is swathed in a yellow blanket and wrapped in Jem's tattooed arms. Jesus, that looks weird. "Rehea.r.s.e here."

"I don't want to b.l.o.o.d.y rehea.r.s.e here," calls Jax from the next room. "My gear is back home."

"Come back tomorrow," Ruby replies.

Jax reappears and looks to me and Nate for support. "Will?"

"What?"

"Your vote," says Jax. "Do we come back here and rehea.r.s.e?"

"How long for?"

"Couple of days, then we'll head to London for the TV spot and decide from there," replies Ruby. "It will be easier for me."

I look to my brother. "Nate?"

"Don't give a s.h.i.t either way."

"Tegan can come and stay too," offers Ruby.

Jax's dark look grows. "She's too busy. Works in the city remember?"

"Aw, he doesn't want to be away from his beloved," says Nate and strokes his hair. "You guys...So cute..." Jax ducks away from him.

"I see Ruby's point," I say. "We're here now."

"What about your girlfriend? You okay to leave her?" asks Nate. "Did she forgive you yet?"

"Will has a girl?" asks Jax. "You kept that quiet."

"I don't!"

"Tell him the story, little bro."

"f.u.c.k you," I mutter.

"Oh for f.u.c.k's sake, not another one!" complains Jem. "Jax. Give your mate some relationship advice."

At his comment Nate barks out a laugh. "Man, that's funny. How many days has it been since you argued with Tegan?"

"At least a week!" retorts Jax.

I switch off, let them finish their arguing and make a decision. I'm not in the b.l.o.o.d.y mood and did not want a reminder of Fleur when I've spent all day trying not to think about her. I attempted to call her yesterday and don't blame Fleur for freezing me out.

Nate doesn't understand, it's one big f.u.c.king joke to him. I stepped back into nights out with him, but the hollow feeling inside grows and I can't fill the gaps with other girls. No way. Since Fleur discovered my lies, I've spent more time than usual with a beer in my hand. Nate gradually backs off mentioning the situation and, after one too many 'I told you so,' I warned him to shut the h.e.l.l up or I'd smack him. I meant it.

Numbing the situation doesn't help. I fell for Fleur harder and faster than I imagined I could, and I scour my thoughts for a reason why this happened. Did I know the first time I saw her that something connected us besides my overwhelming desire to wind my fingers into Fleur's long, blonde hair and get her naked? How else could I spend two years craving her attention when I saw her, even with everything else happening in my life?

Sure, when I was away from uni and indulging in my famous lifestyle I forgot Fleur, because I wasn't around her. By the end of last year, I decided the reality of 'an us' was out of my grasp and threw myself into hedonism.

Then I came back and once we spoke, the pull to her took hold and locked me back into the fantasy.

This time, even though she's out of my grasp again, I won't forget Fleur or move on until I'm a hundred percent sure my chance is zero.

24.

FLEUR.

"No. No, birthday party."

Anne pouts at me, holding her pen and pad in hand. "But I'm writing a list!"

This is all I b.l.o.o.d.y need. "Very nice. But no. Me, you, a couple of others, and a meal, yes. Party, no." The bitten lip and avoiding of eyes worries me. "Anne?"

She taps the pen on the pad. "Um, I kind of already invited people."

I freeze mid-way through taking my coat off. "What?"

"Sam and Nita said I should make it a surprise, but I know you better than that so I thought I'd check it was okay first."

"And if it's not okay?"

She fiddles with the corner of the notepad. "I'll cancel the party."

Following a day of cla.s.ses and working on a tricky a.s.signment, I'm not in the mood to be landed with my twenty-first birthday becoming the occasion I don't want it to be. "Don't. It's really thoughtful of you, but why didn't you ask?"

"I know. Sorry. We haven't had a party this term. I thought it would be a good excuse."

"I'm celebrating properly when I'm home around Christmas. I don't want to do anything big."