I drop my challenge and give myself over to Nate, shocked by how his control of the situation arouses me. Already sensitive from his mouth on me a few minutes ago, the o.r.g.a.s.m sneaks up and drags me away from the world into a blinding light.

The moment my muscles tighten around his fingers, Nate stops and drops his grip on my arms. He grabs my a.s.s and pulls my hips upwards, and thrusts into me. Hard. I fight the sound that escapes my lips as he fills and stretches me; I refuse to tell him how much I want him and how I've dreamed of this over and over.

Nate's slow smile returns. "I've wanted to do this ever since the night I met you." He moves slowly, teasingly. "And every single time you p.i.s.s me off, I want to hold you down and f.u.c.k some sense into you."

"That's disgusting," I retort but I'm not convincing him or myself.

"Oh, I planned a lot worse, but I decided to be nice to you. One more smart word from you and I won't be." He moves slowly, his hips rolling against me until he thrusts hard again. I swallow, my body lit with a burning need for Nate to lose himself the way I have.

Nate pushes into me again and again, faster and faster, l.u.s.t darkening his expression, eyes combing every inch of me as he maintains the rhythm. The ebbing pleasure resurges and I wrap my legs around his hips, matching his movements. Gripping his hair, I pull his face to mine as we kiss, the final unity Nate swore he didn't want. He doesn't stop kissing me, as he rocks his hips against me driving us closer to what we both reach out for.

I drag my mouth from his and suck in a dizzy breath, swearing as my vision darkens yet again.

Nate's large palm wipes hair from my face and he gazes down at me as he moves slowly again. I blink at his unguarded expression. Behind the l.u.s.t is something different. When was the last time he looked a girl in the face like this?

In this moment, the world falls further away. The distance from reality caused by the white world surrounding us retreats further, until this is Nate and me yielding to each other. There's no winner or loser in our game anymore; the new reality is we're equals. A match. Two people who understand more about each other than we admit.

Nate moves against me, his mouth parted and eyes closed as he gathers pace, reaching for his own release. The lightning trips along my spine and into my limbs once more, shocking me, and rewarding me with another grin from Nate.

"f.u.c.k, this is good," he groans and pushes himself hard one last time and buries his head into my hair as he comes. Nate sinks onto me, our damp skin hot, bodies refusing to part.

Anch.o.r.ed together in the harsh frenzy of our lives, and the s.e.x we've avoided for years, the reason we've held back is clear.

I haven't only given over my body to Nate in this moment, but I've allowed what I swore I never would. Myself. My control. Open, exposed, and my need for him reflected in his eyes.

There's no going back from this.

Nate lies next to me, an arm across his face again. Is he deliberately covering his eyes? My body cools, but the tingling in my limbs stays, and my mouth smarts from the kissing Nate denies he does. I wait for the sinking regret I feel every time I do this with a guy, but the emotion doesn't come. We breathe in sync, not speaking, and Nate grabs the edge of the sheets, then folds them over me.

Still no words.

Nate stands and walks to the bathroom. My heart rate slows, and I'm luxuriating in the sensation still pulsing through when he kneels next to me.

"Riley." Nate touches my face.

"Mmm?"

"Get into bed."

I dive beneath the covers and Nate joins me, covering my body with his as if he never wanted to leave the moment behind. I hug him close, Nate curls a hand around mine, and our breathing synchronises as we drift to sleep, bodies entangled the way our lives have been since the night we met. Are we also headed back into a tangled mess once we step back outside the door?

18.

RILEY.

Something bangs onto the table next to the bed and I open a bleary eye. A mug. I look up. Nate. He grins down at me. "Look. I made you a tea."

"I hope it's better than the last one."

"Everything improves with practice," he says with a hint of a smile.

I sit and before I manage to cover myself up, Nate takes an eyeful and throws a smile at me. I peer at the tea. "I like it stronger."

"Is that right? Not strong enough for you?"

"Less milk."

Nate bounces onto the bed next to me. "Oh. Didn't realise we were talking about tea."

He lies down, hands laced together behind his head and I push him. "Watch your elbows. And yes, we were talking about tea."

"Uh huh."

As I sip my drink, Nate continues to stare at the ceiling and I take a surrept.i.tious look at the tattoo emerging from his jeans where his T-shirt has pulled upwards. Okay, at the hard abs I'd like to dig my fingers into again.

s.e.x with Nate was different to the usual no strings, for a million different reasons. Two years of frustration came out, our battle waging even in s.e.x. But how would it be any other way? The frustrated pa.s.sion held back that translated into resentment poured out into the most amazing, no-holds-barred s.e.x of my life.

What else could I do but challenge him when I heard what he said to Will? I needed to know which was the truth, the words spoken to Will or to me. I told Nate it didn't matter; and in the heat of the moment, the build up from the kiss earlier, I didn't care. I wanted s.e.x. With him. Then.

Today? Despite his strange tenderness this morning, I'm waiting for the triumphant return to the old Nate; for the taunts and hints, he won.

"What exiting things do we have lined up for today?" I ask. "Brunch at a nice cafe? A walk in the park?"

"I can get you some cornflakes and we can hike through the snow. I saw Becca and Jason heading out with sledges."

"No, thanks."

"What? I can make cornflakes."

"The sledging. I'm not going out in the snow again."

"Don't you feel like running down the hill and getting the h.e.l.l out? I do."

Of course he does. Not responding, I sip my tea.

Nate dives a hand beneath the sheets and runs his fingers across my belly. I tense as his fingers move downwards. "So, uh, Riley," he begins.

I take his hand and grasp. "If this was a mistake, tell me now."

I brace myself for the rejection.

"Maybe we can meet up in London?"

I grip my mug. "What?"

"Me and you. Y'know. Meet up. We don't have to let anybody know."

I splutter. "Oh, are you asking me to be your f.u.c.k buddy? That's so sweet!"

"Haha. I want to spend time with you. No strings. More s.e.x like yesterday because that was f.u.c.king awesome. What do you think?"

I place my cup down. "More of this?"

"And less fighting."

"Do we tell people?" I ask, the thrill of the secret we could indulge in edging in.

"h.e.l.l, no. Riley and Nate doing their own thing with n.o.body involved." He sits and picks his cup up and switches to nonchalant.

More explosive s.e.x with a guy, who knows what he's doing, who also doesn't want complications, and is that little bit out of bounds to make this illicit? Possible. The last few guys I slept with were hardly worth the effort; with Nate, there's nothing average, and thoughts of last night tighten my stomach. I want more; he can have my body, and I'll hang onto my heart. If I continue to pretend he's a fantasy and not a reality, and Nate does the same, we can get what we both want.

The problem is the arrangement wouldn't last long. I've hidden Josh before, even when a couple of dates have extended into several weeks. Apart from once three years ago, and the guy ran for the hills.

"A month," I say. "I'll give this a month."

Nate smiles. "That's around my limit anyway."

"s.e.x only. No involvement in each other's lives. And no s.e.x with anybody else."

"Deal."

"And don't tell anybody. Not even your brother."

Nate snorts. "No way. He'll open his big mouth and spoil everything."

We seal the deal with a kiss, and I shiver as if I'm making a promise I can't keep. With this step away from who we pretend we are to other people, into the two people who want to give in to each other, we slip closer to what we have to give. We can both save face by refusing to acknowledge the undercurrents flowing beneath, and the rip in the water dragging us out of our depth.

I'm already there, sinking harder and faster into Nate than last time, and with more to lose.

My greatest wish at this point is to leave soon so I won't be forced into discussing anything else until we're back into a life we can control.

19.

RILEY.

Nate bites back a smile and I scowl at him. The large, grey jacket drops to below my knees and the length of the puffed material covers my hands. Val lent me her coat and red wellies, which I struggle to walk in as she's two sizes bigger than me. Worst of all, on my head sits a bright red beanie. With a pom-pom.

Nate wolf whistles and my scowl grows. "Looking good, Riley."

In his leather jacket and jeans, Nate's appearance isn't much different to usual. I'm stuck with Val's ma.s.sive waterproof winter jacket as I only have a thin one, which wouldn't be much use for sledging.

Sledging.

Nate grins and holds the long white cord to the kid's red plastic sledge. "Surprised you're joining in."

"I don't know where you get this Riley's no fun idea from," I say as I approach him.

"I know you can be fun when you want to be." Nate curls a hand around my neck and kisses me softly. "I bet you've not sat on a sledge for years."

Josh has a sledge like this one, but his is blue, and last winter I held onto him as we flew down the hill in the small plastic contraption together. Josh was scared to go alone at first, but soon dispensed with my help. How he had the energy to walk up and down the hill in the park, as many times as he did, I've no idea.

"Where are Becca and Jason?" I ask.

"Took you so long to get ready they've finished. What the h.e.l.l were you doing?"

Talking to my son. "Nothing. Changing."

"You'll stay warm in those, that's for sure." Nate's eyes sparkle as he looks at my uns.e.xy outfit, and I'm caught in his childish glee. "Gonna race me?"

The other sledge rests upside down near one of the snow-covered cars. "Maybe."

"You mean you're not up for a challenge?" Nate mock gasps, then rests his forehead on mine. "Bet you I win."

I jab him in the chest with a finger. "Challenge accepted."

"Awesome." He slaps his bare hands together and I struggle to take hold of the rope with my thick gloves. The sun shines today and I heat up, my head sweating beneath my hat.

"I just want to-" I turn back as Nate's figure blurs down the hill on his sledge. The speed worries me. I misjudged how steep the hill is. "You have to wait for me before you race!" I call after him.

He smashes into a snowdrift at the base of the hill and I wince. Unperturbed, Nate stands and brushes snow from his legs before striding back up the hill. I tip my head. "You need to learn to control your vehicles in the snow."

"Ha ha. I was waiting for that comment." He flicks my nose and I grab his hand. "You need to control yourself in the bedroom."

I glance around in case anybody stands nearby, thankful my cheeks are already pink from the cold. "As if you'd want me to."

"True." He drops the sledge and squeezes my a.s.s. "Remember we're not going home until tomorrow."

"But we've no more condoms."

"Meh." Nate turns his sledge to face downhill again. "I'm very resourceful."