EXCISE GOODS DITTO.--An Act for lessening the burthen of the subject by an increase of the collection.

SOAP DITTO.--An Act for suppressing the effeminacy of Englishmen, by disappointing them of clean linen.

SMUGGLING DITTO.--An Act for demonstrating the arbitrary spirit of this free government, in whatever clashes with the interests of the Treasury.

GAME DITTO.--An Act for making the many responsible, for a monopoly of every thing nice and delicate, to the palates of the few.

HORSE DITTO.--An Act for reducing the farmers to the wholesome exercise of walking, while their servants enfeeble themselves with riding.

THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY.

At the last grand FETE given by Mr. JENKINSON to his friends in Administration, it was proposed, that as WILBERFORCE had sprained his leg at the last game at LEAPFROG, and PRATT had grown too fat for their old favourite sport of HIDE-AND-SEEK, some new diversion should be inst.i.tuted.--Various _succedanea_ were suggested, such as CHUCK-FARTHING, MARBLES, &c. but at last the general voice determined in favour of the DRAMA.--After some little altercation as to what particular dramatic production to select, the comic opera of TOM JONES was performed, and the arrangement of characters was disposed of as follows:

DRAMATIS PERSONae.

BLIFIL, - - MR PITT.

BLACK GEORGE, - MR. ROBINSON.

KING OF THE GYPSIES, - LORD THURLOW.

THWACKAM, - MR. JENKINSON.

SQUARE, - - DR. PRETTYMAN.

SQUIRE WESTERN, - MR. ROLLE.

PARTRIDGE, - - MR. MACPHERSON.

The parts of ALLWORTHY, TOM JONES, and SOPHIA, were subjects of long and difficult discussion; but at length Mr. DUNDAS put an end to the altercation, by a.s.suring the company that he was willing and able to act ANY part, and would be glad, though at so short a notice, to attempt that of ALLWORTHY. The same offer was handsomely made by Lord DENBIGH for that of TOM JONES, and the character of SOPHIA was at last allotted to VILLIERS.

THE WESTMINSTER GUIDE.

PART I.

ADDRESSED TO MR. ANSTY.

Poet to town, my friend ANSTY, or if you refuse A visit in person, yet spare us your muse: Give her wing, ere too late for this city's election, Where much waits her comment, and more her correction.

What novels to laugh at! what follies to chide!

Oh! how we all long for a WESTMINSTER Guide!

First, in judgment decisive, as OTTOMAN Califf, Aloft on the hustings, behold the HIGH BAILIFF!

But we miss from the seat, where law rests on a word, The old symbols of justice--the scales and the sword-- As a symbol too martial the sword he discards, So 'tis lodg'd where it suits--in the hands of the guards; And doubting the poise of weak hands like his own, He suspended the scales at the foot of the throne.----

Turn next to the candidates--at such a crisis-- We've a right to observe on their virtues or vices.

Hood founds (and with justice to most apprehensions) In years of fair services, manly pretensions; But his party to change, and his friend to betray, By some are held better pretensions in WRAY.

For the third, if at Court we his character scan, A daemon incarnate is poor CARLO KHAN; Catch his name when afloat on convivial b.u.mpers, Or sent up to the skies by processions of plumpers; He is Freedom's defender, the champion of Right, The Man of the People, the nation's delight.

To party or pa.s.sion we scorn to appeal, Nor want we the help of intemperate zeal; Let Time from Detraction have rescued his cause, And our verse shall but echo a nation's applause.

But hark! proclamation and silence intreated; The inspectors arranged--the polling clerks seated-- With Bibles in hand, to purge willing and loth, With the Catholic Test, and the Bribery Oath.

In clamour and tumult mobs thicken around, And for one voice to vote there are ten to confound: St. GILES's with WAPPING unites Garretteers, HOOD and WRAY and PREROGATIVE, PITT and three cheers!

'Tis the day for the Court--the grand Treasury push!

And the pack of that kennel well trained to the _brush_, Dash noisy and fearless through thick and through thin, The huntsman unseen, but his friends whippers-in.

Now follow fresh tribes, scarce a man worth a louse, Till put into plight at NORTHUMBERLAND HOUSE; Ten poll for one mansion, each proving he keeps it, And one for each chimney--he'll prove that he sweeps it-- With these mix the great, on rights equally fables, Great Peers from poor lodgings, great Lawyers from stables; Ev'n the Soldier, whose household's a centinel box.

Claims a questionless franchise 'gainst Freedom and FOX; All dubbed and maintained upon influence regal Of the new H----E of C------S const.i.tuents legal.

What troops too of females 'mong'st CHARLES's opposers?

Old tabbies and gossips, scolds, gigglers, and sprosers!

And Lady LACKPENSION, and Dowager THRIFTY, And many a maiden the wrong side of fifty; And FUBZY, with flesh and with flabbiness laden (And in all things indeed the reverse of a maiden), And hags after hags join the barbarous din, More hateful than serpents, more ugly than SIN.

Thus [1] the Baccha.n.a.l tribes when they ORPHEUS a.s.sailed, Drowned his notes with their yells ere their vengeance prevailed, Well knowing the sound of his voice or his lyre, Had charms to allay diabolical ire.

Our Baccha.n.a.ls find a more difficult foe; For what strains can inchant, though from ORPHEUS they flow, Like the orator's spell o'er the patriot mind, When pleading to reason the cause of mankind?

Now for councils more secret that govern the plan-- _A Calif is nothing without a_ DIVAN.

With invisible step let us steal on the quorum, Where MAINWARING sits in the Chair of Decorum.

And WILMOT harangues to the brethren elect, [2]On his master's commands--"Carry law to effect."

"The true reading, my friends, in the _jus bacculinum_, When the FOXITES are drubbed, then imprison or fine 'em; And let him who would construe th' effective still further, Knock out a friend's brains to accuse them of murder.

I have ready some hundreds of resolute knaves, With bludgeons well shaped into Constables' staves, In WESTMINSTER strangers--true creatures of power, Like the lions--ferociously nursed at the Tower[3].

Do we want more support?--Mark! that band of red coats! } Whose first service over, of giving their votes, } Why not try for a second--the cutting of throats! } From the SAVOY they march--their mercy all lie at, When the Bench gives the call, and St. J------s's the _fiat_."

Thus the law of effect the wise justice expounds, This is WILMOT's abridgment compris'd in twelve rounds; The new MIDDLEs.e.x CODE--which treats subjects like partridge, While the Statutes at large are cut up into cartridge.

Enough of these horrors--a milder design, Though not a more lawful one, CORBET, is thine!

The polling to close, but decision adjourn, And in scrutiny endless to sink the return.

Thy employers who ranged on the Treasury Bench, For prerogative fight, or behind it intrench, Shall boldly stand forth in support of the act, Which they mean to restrain by law after the fact.

With quibble and puzzle that reason disgrace.

Or with impudent paradox put in its place, They shall hold, _that an indigent party's defence, When at war with the Treasury, lies in expence; [4] That the part of the vexed is to cherish vexation, And strain it through_ DRIPSTONES _of procrastination_-- These positions you'll say are indeed hypothetic-- At Court they'll be Gospel--the muse is prophetic.

End of the First Part.

[1] Note.] _Thus the Baccha.n.a.l tribes, &c._

Cunctaque tela forent cantu mollita: sed ingens Clamor, et inflata Berecynthia tibia cornu, Tympanaque, Plaususque, et Bacchei ululatus Obstrepuere sono Citherae. Tum denique Saxa Non exauditi rubuerunt Sanguine Vatis.

OVID.

[2] See the letter of the Lord Lieutenant of M------x, May 8th.

[3] These strange Constables were avowedly brought from the Tower Hamlets.

[4] See the speech of a young orator in a late debate.

END OF THE FIRST PART