I am here to study at the great university of medicine. My master suggested that I should come here to learn the art of surgery, at which the Italians and especially the Padua university has excelled, also the pharmacopeia. I will not trouble you with my studies - but Hannah! These men are unfolding the very secrets of life, they are tracing the flow of the humors around the body and in Venice, which is nearby, they see how the tides and the rivers flow around the body of the world also. I cannot tell you what it is like to be here and to feel that every day we are coming a little closer to understanding everything - from the rise and fall of the tides to the beat of the heart, from the distillation of an essence to the ingredients of the philosopher's stone.

You will be surprised to hear that I came upon John Dee in Venice last month when I was listening to a lecture by a very learned friar who is skilled in the use of poisons to kill the disease and yet save the patient. Mr. Dee is much respected here for his reputation for learning. He lectured on Euclid and I attended, though I did not understand more than one word in ten. But I think the better of him now that I have seen him in this company with these men who are forging a new sense of the world and one which will transform what we know about everything - from the smallest grain to the greatest planet. He has a most brilliant mind, I understand much better why you think so highly of him.

I was glad to get your letter and to know that you think that you will finish your service with the princess soon, I trust then you will ask the queen to release you. I am considering now whether we could live away from England for some years. Hannah, my love, Venice is such an exciting city to be in, and the weather so bright and fine, and the men and women so prosperous and the doctors so learned - you cannot blame me for wanting to stay here and for wanting you to share it with me. It is a city of tremendous wealth and beauty, there are no roads at all but ca.n.a.ls and the lagoon everywhere, and everyone takes a boat to their doorstep. The study and the scholars here are quite extraordinary and anything can be asked and answered.

I keep your first letter in my doublet against my heart. Now I put your Christmas note beside it and wish you had written more. I think of you daily and dream of you every night.

This is a new world that we are making, with new understandings of the movements of the planets and of the tides. Of course it must be possible that a man and a wife could be married in a new way also. I do not want you as my servant, I want you as my love. I a.s.sure you that you shall have the freedom to be your own sweet self. Write to me again and tell me you will come to me soon. I am yours in thought and word and deed and even these studies of mine which fill me with such hope and excitement would mean nothing if I did not think that one day I could share them with you.

Daniel

Daniel's second letter promising love to me went the way of the first, into the fire; but not until I had read it half a dozen times. It had to be destroyed, it was filled with heretical notions that would have trapped me into an inquiry if it had been read by anyone else. But I burned this second letter with regret. I thought that in it I heard the true voice of a young man growing into wisdom, of a betrothed man planning his marriage, of a pa.s.sionate man looking toward his life with a woman of his choice, of a man I could trust.

It was a long and cold winter and Elizabeth grew no better. The news from the court that the queen was healthy and growing stout did not make her half sister any merrier as she lay, wrapped in furs, her nose red from cold, looking out of a window of cracked gla.s.s over a garden blasted by icy winds and neglect.

We heard that the parliament had restored the Roman Catholic religion and the members had wept for joy to be received once more into the body of the church. There had been a service of thanksgiving that they should once again receive the papal rule that they had once thrown off. On that day Elizabeth looked very bleak as she saw her father's inheritance and her brother's greatest pride thrown away in her sister's victory. From that day on, Elizabeth observed the Ma.s.s three times a day with her head obediently bowed. There was no more sliding away from observance. The stakes had gone up.

As the light grew brighter in the morning and the snow melted and drained away into standing puddles of cold water Elizabeth grew a little stronger and started to walk in the garden once more, me running alongside her in my thin-soled riding boots, wrapped against the cold in a blanket, blowing on my icy hands, complaining of the icy wind.

"It would be colder in Hungary," she said shortly.

I did not remark that everyone seemed to know the queen's private plans for her. "You would be an honored guest in Hungary," I replied. "There would be a warm fire to come back to."

"There is only one fire the queen would build for me," Elizabeth said grimly. "And if I once went to Hungary you would see it would become such a home for me that I would never be allowed to see England again. I won't go. I won't ever leave England. You can tell her that, when she asks you. I will never leave England willingly, and English men and women will never let me be bundled away as a prisoner. I am not without friends even though I am without a sister."

I nodded and kept diplomatically silent.

"But if not Hungary, which she has never yet had the courage to propose to me direct, then what?" she asked aloud. "And G.o.d - when?"

Spring 1555 To everyone's surprise the queen weakened first. As the bitter winter melted into a wet spring, Elizabeth was bidden to court, without having to confess, without even writing a word to her sister, and I was ordered to ride in her train, no explanation offered to me for the change of heart and none expected. For Elizabeth it was not the return she might have wanted; she was brought in almost as a prisoner, we traveled early in the morning and late in the afternoon so that we would not be noticed, there was no smiling and waving at any crowds. We skirted the city, the queen had ordered that Elizabeth should not ride down the great roads of London, but as we went through the little lanes I felt my heart skip a beat in terror and I pulled up my horse in the middle of the lane, and made the princess stop.

"Go on, fool," she said ungraciously. "Kick him on."

"G.o.d help me, G.o.d help me," I babbled.

"What is it?"

Sir Henry Bedingfield's man saw me stock-still, turned his horse and came back. "Come on now," he said roughly. "Orders are to keep moving."

"My G.o.d," I said again, it was all I could say.

"She's a holy fool," Elizabeth said. "Perhaps she is having a vision."

"I'll give her a vision," he said, and took the bridle and pulled my horse forward.

Elizabeth came up alongside. "Look, she's white as a sheet and shaking," she said. "Hannah? What is it?"

I would have fallen from my horse but for her steadying hand on my shoulder. The soldier rode on the other side, dragging my horse onward, his knee pressed against mine, half holding me in the saddle.

"Hannah!" Elizabeth's voice came again as if from a long way away. "Are you ill?"

"Smoke," was all I could say. "Fire."

Elizabeth glanced toward the city, where I pointed. "I can't smell anything," she said. "Are you giving a warning, Hannah? Is there going to be a fire?"

Dumbly, I shook my head. My sense of horror was so intense that I could say nothing but, as if from somewhere else, I heard a little mewing sound like that of a child crying from a deep una.s.suageable distress. "Fire," I said softly. "Fire."

"Oh, it's the Smithfield fires," the soldier said. "That's upset the la.s.s. It's that, isn't it, bairn?"

At Elizabeth's quick look of inquiry he explained. "New laws. Heretics are put to death by burning. They're burning today in Smithfield. I can't smell it but your little la.s.s here can. It's upset her." He clapped me on the shoulder with a heavy kindly hand. "Not surprising," he said. "It's a bad business."

"Burning?" Elizabeth demanded. "Burning heretics? You mean Protestants? In London? Today?" Her eyes were blazing black with anger but she did not impress the soldier. As far as he was concerned we were little more value than each other. One girl dumb with horror, the other enraged.

"Aye," he said briefly. "It's a new world. A new queen on the throne, a new king at her side, and a new law to match. And everyone who was reformed has reformed back again and pretty smartly too. And good thing, I say, and G.o.d bless, I say. We've had nothing but foul weather and bad luck since King Henry broke with the Pope. But now the Pope's rule is back and the Holy Father will bless England again and we can have a son and heir and decent weather."

Elizabeth said not one word. She took her pomander from her belt, put it in my hand and held my hand up to my nose so I could smell the aromatic scent of dried orange and cloves. It did not take away the stink of burning flesh, nothing would ever free me from that memory. I could even hear the cries of those on the stakes, begging their families to fan the flames and to pile on timber so that they might die the quicker and not linger, smelling their own bodies roasting, in a screaming agony of pain.

"Mother," I choked, and then I was silent.

We rode to Hampton Court in an icy silence and we were greeted as prisoners with a guard. They bundled us in the back door as if they were ashamed to greet us. But once the door of her private rooms was locked behind us Elizabeth turned and took my cold hands in hers.

"I could not smell smoke, n.o.body could. The soldier only knew that they were burning today, he could not smell it," she said.

Still I said nothing.

"It was your gift, wasn't it?" she asked curiously.

I cleared my throat, I remembered that curious thick taste at the back of my tongue, the taste of the smoke of human flesh. I brushed a s.m.u.t from my face, but my hand came away clean.

"Yes," I admitted.

"You were sent by G.o.d to warn me that this was happening," she said. "Others might have told me, but you were there; in your face I saw the horror of it."

I nodded. She could take what she might from it. I knew that it was my own terror she had seen, the horror I had felt as a child when they had dragged my own mother from our house to tie her to a stake and light the fire under her feet on a Sunday afternoon as part of the ritual of every Sunday afternoon, part of the promenade, a pious and pleasurable tradition to everyone else; the death of my mother, the end of my childhood for me.

Princess Elizabeth went to the window, knelt and put her bright head in her hands. "Dear G.o.d, thank you for sending me this messenger with this vision," I heard her say softly. "I understand it, I understand my destiny today as I have never done before. Bring me to my throne that I may do my duty for you and for my people. Amen."

I did not say "Amen," though she glanced around to see if I had joined in her prayer; even in moments of the greatest of spirituality, Elizabeth would always be counting her supporters. But I could not pray to a G.o.d who could allow my mother to be burned to death. I could not pray to a G.o.d who could be invoked by the torchbearers. I wanted neither G.o.d nor His religion. I wanted only to get rid of the smell in my hair, in my skin, in my nostrils. I wanted to rub the s.m.u.ts from my face.

She rose to her feet. "I shan't forget this," she said briefly. "You have given me a vision today, Hannah. I knew it before, but now I have seen it in your eyes. I have to be queen of this country and put a stop to this horror."

In the evening, before dinner, I was summoned to the queen's rooms and found her in conference with the king and with the new arrival and greatest favorite: the archbishop and papal legate, Cardinal Reginald Pole. I was in the presence chamber before I saw him, for if I had known he was there I would never have crossed the threshold. I was immediately, instinctively afraid of him. He had sharp piercing eyes, which would look unflinchingly at sinners and saints alike. He had spent a lifetime in exile for his beliefs and he had no doubt that everyone's convictions could and should be tested by fire as his had been. I thought that if he saw me, even for one second, he would smell me out and know me for a Marrano - a converted Jew - and that in this new England of Catholic conviction that he and the king and the queen were making, they would exile me back to my death in Spain at the very least, and execute me in England if they could.

He glanced up as I came into the room and his gaze flicked indifferently over me, but the queen rose from the table and held out her hands in greeting. I ran to her and dropped to my knee at her feet.

"Your Grace!"

"My little fool," she said tenderly.

I looked up at her and saw at once the changes in her appearance made by her pregnancy. Her color was good, she was rosy-cheeked, her face plumper and rounder, her eyes brighter from good health. Her belly was a proud curve only partly concealed by the loosened panel of her stomacher and the wider cut of her gown and I thought how proudly she must be letting out the lacing every day to accommodate the growing child. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were fuller too, her whole face and body proclaimed her happiness and her fertility.

With her hand resting on my head in blessing she turned to the two other men. "This is my dear little fool Hannah, who has been with me since the death of my brother. She has come a long way with me to share my joy now. She is a faithful loving girl and I use her as my little emissary with Elizabeth, who trusts her too." She turned to me. "She is here?"

"Just arrived," I said.

She tapped my shoulder to bid me rise and I warily got to my feet and looked at the two men.

The king was not glowing like his wife, he looked drawn and tired as if the days of winding his ways through English politics and the long English winter were a strain on a man who was used to the total power and sunny weather of the Alhambra.

The cardinal had the narrow beautiful face of the true ascetic. His gaze, sharp as a knife, went to my eyes, my mouth, and then my pageboy livery. I thought he saw at once, in that one survey, my apostasy, my desires, and my body, growing into womanhood despite my own denial and my borrowed clothes.

"A holy fool?" he asked, his tone neutral.

I bowed my head. "So they say, Your Excellency." I flushed with embarra.s.sment, I did not know how he should be addressed in English. We had not had a cardinal legate at court before.

"You see visions?" he asked. "Hear voices?"

It was clear to me that any grand claims would be greeted with utter skepticism. This was not a man to be taken in with mummer's skills.

"Very rarely," I said shortly, trying to keep my accent as English as possible. "And unfortunately, never at times of my choosing."

"She saw that I would be queen," Mary said. "And she foretold my brother's death. And she came to the attention of her first master because she saw an angel in Fleet Street."

The cardinal smiled and his dark narrow face lit up at once, and I saw that he was a charming man as well as a handsome one. "An angel?" he queried. "How did he look? How did you know him for an angel?"

"He was with some gentlemen," I said uncomfortably. "And I could hardly see him at all for he was blazing white. And he disappeared. He was just there for a moment and then he was gone. It was the others who named him for an angel. Not me."

"A most modest soothsayer," the cardinal smiled. "From Spain by your accent?"

"My father was Spanish but we live in England now," I said cautiously. I felt myself take half a step toward the queen and instantly froze. There should be no flinching, these men would detect fear quicker than anything else.

But the cardinal was not much interested in me. He smiled at the king. "Can you advise us of nothing, holy fool? We are about G.o.d's business as it has not been done in England for generations. We are bringing the country back to the church. We are making good what has been bad for so long. And even the voices of the people in the Houses of Parliament are guided by G.o.d."

I hesitated. It was clear to me that this was more rhetoric than a question demanding an answer. But the queen looked to me to speak.

"I would think it should be done gently," I said. "But that is my opinion, not the voice of my gift. I just wish that it could be done gently."

"It should be done quickly and powerfully," the queen said. "The longer it takes the more doubts will emerge. Better to be done once and well than with a hundred small changes."

The two men looked unconvinced. "One should never offend more men than one can persuade," her husband, ruler of half of Europe, told her.

I saw her melt at his voice; but she did not change her opinion. "These are a stubborn people," she said. "Given a choice they can never decide. They forced me to execute poor Jane Grey. She offered them a choice and they cannot choose. They are like children who will go from apple to plum and take a bite out of each, and spoil everything."

The cardinal nodded at the king. "Her Grace is right," he said. "They have suffered change and change about. Best that we should put the whole country on oath, once, and have it all done. Then we would root out heresy, destroy it, and have the country at peace and in the old ways in one move."

The king looked thoughtful. "We must do it quickly and clearly, but with mercy," he said. He turned to the queen. "I know your pa.s.sion for the church and I admire it. But you have to be a gentle mother to your people. They have to be persuaded, not forced."

Sweetly, she put her hand on her swelling belly. "I want to be a gentle mother indeed," she said.

He put his hand over her own, as if they would both feel through the hard wall of the stomacher to where their baby stirred and kicked in her womb. "I know it," he said. "Who should know better than I? And together we will make a holy Catholic inheritance for this young man of ours so that when he comes to his throne, here, and in Spain, he will be doubly blessed with the greatest lands in Christendom and the greatest peace the world has ever known."

Will Somers was clowning at dinner, he gave me a wink as he pa.s.sed my place. "Watch this," he said. He took two small b.a.l.l.s from the sleeve of his jerkin and threw them in the air, then added another and another, until all four were spinning at the same time.

"Skilled," he remarked.

"But not funny," I said.

In response, he turned his moon face toward me, as if he were completely distracted, ignoring the b.a.l.l.s in the air. At once, they clattered down all around us, bouncing off the table, knocking over the pewter goblets, spilling wine everywhere.

The women screamed and leaped up, trying to save their gowns. Will was dumbstruck with amazement at the havoc he had caused: the Spanish grandees shouting with laughter at the sudden consternation released in the English court like a Mayday revel, the queen smiling, her hand on her belly, called out: "Oh, Will, take care!"

He bowed to her, his nose to his knees, and then came back up, radiant. "You should blame your holy fool," he said. "She distracted me."

"Oh, did she foresee you causing this uproar?"

"No, Your Grace," he said sweetly. "She never foresees anything. In all the time I have known her, in all the time she has been your servant, and eaten remarkably well for a spiritual girl, she has never said one thing of any more insight than any s.l.u.t might remark."

I was laughing and protesting at the same time, the queen was laughing out loud, and the king was smiling, trying to follow the jest. "Oh, Will!" the queen reproached him. "You know that the child has the Sight!"

"Sight she may have but no speech," Will said cheerfully. "For she has never said a word I thought worth hearing. Appet.i.te she has, if you are keeping her for the novelty of that. She is an exceptionally good doer."