"All that will live G.o.dly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution; the natural heart is enmity against G.o.d, and hates his image wherever found. If individual Christians have the favor of individual worldlings, it never is for their piety, that is rather borne with than loved; and too often Christians save themselves from reproach by unfaithfulness; that, alas, has been my sin and shame. In all my friendships with worldlings, some of which have been tender, how unfaithful have I been to friendship's highest office. How seldom have I endeavored to rescue my friend from sin and Satan, by leading her to the Friend of sinners, the source of happiness. Contenting my vile, selfish heart, with things pertaining to this life unconnected with that to come, leaving her under the influence of 'the l.u.s.t of the eye, the l.u.s.t of the flesh, and the pride of life;' without eyes to see her danger, or friend to warn her of it; and while she communicated with me in things common to both, in all the good she knew, keeping back nothing from me of all she possessed; how often have I concealed my richest treasure, without inviting her to the partic.i.p.ation. O, faithless friend! O, ungrateful, unfaithful--first to that gracious G.o.d who opened mine own eyes, arrested ray attention, stopped up my path, and turned me to the way of life; and next to my friend, whom I have left to pursue that same way of death, without attempting to lead her to this same sovereign, merciful, gracious Deliverer.

"And what withheld! Shame belongs to the heart governed by such motives; fear of contempt, reproach, or, at most, the loss of a carnal friendship. Of three such friends, now gone to their place, two continued their worldly course to the last, so far as I know; for the third the Lord provided a more faithful friend, who became worker together with the Spirit of G.o.d, led her to the Friend of sinners, who has compa.s.sion on the ignorant, and them that are out of the way, By Him she was received, and in Him she found life, light, and peace.

"She soon outran faithless me in the heavenly race; gently chid me for my remissness, but continued my friend and helper. Ever foremost in the race, humble and steady in faith, she looked not back, nor halted. She has long since finished her course, received her crown and reward of grace, and become fruit to the account of that friend who supplied what was wanting in me. I rejoice with them both, give glory to G.o.d, from whom their fruit was found, and take shame and confusion for my part.

"How many opportunities have I lost, and from the same sinful, shameful cause. O my Redeemer, what can I say to thee? Words are wanting to express my loathing of that vile, selfish cowardice.

"Didst Thou, who art the Creator of heaven and earth, the brightness of the glory of G.o.d, the express image of his person, and upholder of all things, suffer shame, contempt, anguish, death for my sake, that thou mightest redeem me from the second death, and purchase for me eternal life; and do I shrink and turn away from the least taste of thy cup, though the curse is extracted and a blessing infused!

"And after all this, art thou pacified towards me? I search in vain for words to express the amazing grace. 'As the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy towards them that fear him, and towards vile me, who can lay small claim to that character; yet, as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed my transgressions from him. Bless the Lord, ye his angels, who excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening to the voice of his word. Bless the Lord, all ye his hosts, ye ministers of his that do his pleasure; ye ministering spirits, sent forth to watch over and minister to them who shall be heirs of salvation."

"FEBRUARY, 1812.

"Dr. M----. 'Behold the Lamb of G.o.d, which taketh away the sin of the world,' John 1:29.

"He dwelt chiefly on the subst.i.tution of the victim in the room of the transgressor. When a victim was offered for an individual, he was to lay his hand on the head of the animal, by the appointment of G.o.d, as a token of his faith that his sins should be transferred to the victim which suffered death in his stead, and that his sins were forgiven and his person accepted. If the victim was for the whole congregation, then the elders, as their representatives, were to lay their hands upon the head of the victim, signifying the same faith.

Great was the subject of the plan of redemption: The Son of G.o.d clothed with our nature, given and set apart as a propitiatory sacrifice, the victim upon whom the sins of his elect were laid, and he sacrificed in their stead.

"The Lamb of G.o.d, which took away the sins not only of the Jewish transgressors, but the sins of the elect out of every nation, kindred, and tongue throughout the world--on this Lamb of G.o.d rests my own individual hope for pardon and for acceptance. I lay my own individual hand of faith on his dear head, confess my sin, and rely upon his sacrifice for pardon and acceptance, through the atonement made by himself, G.o.d's anointed Priest."

"SABBATH, April, 1812.

"Dr. Romeyn. 'Yea, and all that will live G.o.dly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.' 2 Timothy 3:12. Gone as usual; but it came home to my heart. I have not suffered persecution; and why? because my life has not testified sufficiently against a sinful world. Alas, alas! the world loves its own, and I have been so accommodating, to say the least, as not to disturb it. 'The carnal mind is enmity against G.o.d; is not subject to the law of G.o.d, neither indeed can be;'

but the world saw little in me of that image which they hate, and enough of a.s.similation to balance that little. O my G.o.d, my long-suffering, sin-pardoning G.o.d, thou knowest my vile cowardice; with professors a professor of thy name, with worldlings a seeming worldling. And now the season is past, the opportunity lost; the time of life is arrived when the world itself expects to be abandoned. No line of conduct in me will now reprove them; they account it wise to look out for a better portion, when the world can no longer be enjoyed; and through the deceitfulness of their own hearts, and the suggestions of the ever-vigilant enemy of souls, may be hardened in sin, by hoping to become religious in old age. O, let thy grace prevent it.

"The sinfulness, and O, the ingrat.i.tude of my past life rise in magnitude every review I take of it. And what can I say? Father, forgive. Yes, I dare say, Father, forgive. I dare say more, Thou hast forgiven. This grief of heart proves that thou hast not sealed me up in impenitence. Thou rememberest thy covenant with me in the days of my youth, when thou didst draw me with the cords of love and the bands of a man; and though no language can express my baseness and my ingrat.i.tude, through all my backsliding life, thy covenant stands fast.

"'I remember, and am confounded, and will never open my mouth any more because of my shame, now that thou art pacified towards me for all that I have done. And I know that thou art the Lord.

Contrition dwell within this breast, That G.o.d within this heart may rest: Shame and confusion flush this face, And magnify this glorious grace.

Grace be my theme while I have breath, And on my quivering lips in death.

Angels and fellow-sinners, say, Will you not join me in this lay, Now, and through heaven's eternal day?

"Blessed Comforter, thou seest old age upon me, loss of memory, and a desultory mind; I cannot retain even the substance of my dear pastor's sermons. I thank thee for the food and refreshment at the time, and often after for refreshing meditations on the same subjects.

I commit all to thee; keep them for me, and feed me with these truths as thou seest I need. O be to me memory, judgment, presence of mind, for order, regularity, and natural powers are gone. I rejoice in my dear Saviour, who of G.o.d is made unto me wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. He shall perfect that which concerneth me, and finish the work he has begun. Therefore I say, All is well."

"COMMUNION SABBATH, May 17, 1812.

"Was much melted under a sense of indwelling sin, and the deceitfulness of the human heart, and of my own heart in particular. I have been. I think, much in the exercise of contrition for the sins of my past life, and exercised in watching over my words, thoughts, and actions; now that the Lord has delivered me from all necessity to care, having every thing provided for me _necessary to life and G.o.dliness:_ pleasant food and clothing both for body and mind; my dear room, retirement, fire, candle, attendance; my precious Bible, and precious, lively, spiritual ordinances; a faithful and beloved pastor, who feeds me with truth: I taste it, and I am fed. I am, as the Lord G.o.d merciful and gracious has awarded, under the constant influence of shame and confusion for my highly aggravated transgressions: but I also enjoy the full sense of pardon; being justified by faith, I have peace with G.o.d through our Lord Jesus Christ; and knowing that I have a 'great high-priest that is pa.s.sed into, the heavens, Jesus the Son of G.o.d,' I am enabled to hold fast my profession, comforted by this, that I have not a high-priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of my infirmities, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. I dare come, not very boldly, for I am under much depression, to the throne of grace, that I may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Every time is a time of need with me, for sin still dwelleth in me. I have peace with G.o.d through my dear Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but am at constant war with myself. I plead thy promise, that thou wilt subdue my iniquities, that sin shall not have dominion over me. And now, Captain of salvation, I renew the fight, but it is depending upon thee to fight for me, with me, and in me. I will set myself to watch, but I shall watch in vain, if thou keep not the avenues of my heart, and the door of my lips. O, clothe me with thy meek and lowly spirit."

"SABBATH, July 26, 1812.

"Tired of the bustle of Rockaway, and having some subordinate motives for returning home for a time, I embraced this season in particular; having, in the compa.s.s of one week, Sabbath, Wednesday my birthday, and the day set apart both by the General a.s.sembly of our church and the Governor of our state, for fasting, prayer, and humiliation, besides lectures on the same evening. I returned therefore on Friday, the 24th.

"Dr. R---- preached from Psalm 27:1,'The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?'

"O my G.o.d, my merciful and gracious G.o.d, what can I say of thy amazing, distinguishing mercy to me? Delivered from all these fears, and able to adopt the text fully, I know of none who have more or greater cause of fear as sinners. My transgressions have been of _crimson_ and _scarlet_ hue. O my G.o.d, thou knowest them, words cannot paint them. My Saviour, thou knowest them, for thou baredst them; every jot and t.i.ttle was put to thy account, and thou didst cancel all. O that garden, that cry on the cross! the effects were seen on thy sacred body, but who can conceive the mysterious horror which agonized thy sacred soul? But thou saidst, _It is finished,_ and finished it is. Lamb of G.o.d, which takest away the sins of the world, on thy consecrated head I lay the hand of faith, confess my sins, pray for forgiveness, and believe that I am forgiven.

"July 29th, my birthday, and the last day of the threescore years and ten of my sinful life. What an, exhibition will that day produce, when the secrets of all hearts will be laid open, all my actions and all the springs of them. In all the myriads which shall appear at the bar of G.o.d, will there be such a sinner--taking into view the early grace manifested?

"Born, I think, about the seventeenth year of my natural life; previously instructed in the doctrines and precepts of the Scriptures, as far as the natural mind can conceive, by pious parents and a faithful pastor; with milk provided for my spiritual infancy, and richer food set before me for my growth; the leaves of the new covenant were opened to my view, and the fulness treasured in Christ for my supply, to be asked, to be delighted in; and delighted I was, and satisfied. But Oh, I forsook the fountain of living waters, and hewed out broken cisterns, that could hold no water. Where can language be found to depict my ingrat.i.tude, my madness, my folly; and where to describe the long-suffering, the compa.s.sionate remonstrances, the kindly, fatherly chastis.e.m.e.nts, the repeated pardons and restorations of my gracious G.o.d in days of youth--aggravating my renewed backslidings, bringing upon my sinful soul vengeance for my inventions? What were the sins of Israel and Judah to mine? Mine were committed after the great atonement was made; the adorable High-priest, Jesus, had with his own blood entered within the veil, and was set on the right hand of the throne of the Majesty of the heavens: the minister of the sanctuary, and of the true tabernacle, which the Lord pitched, and not man. The new covenant was exhibited, established on better promises, himself the Mediator. The new and living way was consecrated to the holiest of all by the blood of Jesus; a throne of grace was established, Jesus himself our Advocate and Intercessor. We are now privileged to come boldly to a throne of grace, that we may find grace to help in the time of need. O how aggravated my sin above theirs, having such great and precious privileges and promises, and a High-priest who can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities, who was in all points tempted as we are; who owns us as his brethren and sisters, yea, the very _members of his body_, and his Spirit dwelleth in us.

"I set apart the day for fasting and deep humiliation; took another survey of my past sinful life; confessed particulars on my knees, and made a fresh application to the blood of sprinkling which cleanseth from all sin; took a fresh hold of his new covenant of promise. 'This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord; I will put my laws in their hearts, and in their minds will I write them, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.' Lord, do as thou hast said. I rest my immortal soul on thy promise."

"JULY 30, 1812.

"The day set apart by the General a.s.sembly and State Legislature for fasting and humiliation, confession of sin and prayer.

"Our pastor read the second chapter of Jeremiah, a great portion of which belongs to my own character as an individual; and is laid up as part of that provision which is to support me through the last stage in the wilderness, and through Jordan, over which I must shortly pa.s.s; laid in as a proof of the amazing long-suffering of G.o.d, and his readiness to forgive even the vile backslider in heart and life, as proclaimed in chapter three."

"SABBATH, NOV. 22."

"'Turn ye to the strong-hold, ye prisoners of hope.' Zech. 9:12.

My Jesus--my hope, my stronghold, my safety, my Saviour, my portion, my life, my happiness--yes, my happiness, for safe I am and happy, though sometimes in heaviness, for yet sin dwelleth in me, and in others dear as my own soul; and though I know it is pardoned, and provision made for pardon to the end, yet, O it is bitter, and bitter let it be. I would not have it otherwise. Heal my depravity, O G.o.d; take sin out of this heart; O fill it with love to thee, and to all my fellow-sinners. My dear High-priest, it can be but a little further to Jordan. My seventy years are run. Does not the ark of the covenant appear, going before me? am I not called to decamp and follow after? O my blessed, blessed High-priest, keep my eye fixed on thy person, and let me the little further follow thee step by step, foot after foot, without losing one mark all the way to Jordan; and there let me see thee. Blessed ark of the covenant, roll back the waters of terror, stand firm in Jordan, and bid me come unto thee, and set up the stones of memorial in a song of praise in the midst of Jordan.

"O then thy glory let me see, Then cause thy face to shine on me, And tune my heart, and tune my voice, And language furnish to rejoice, That all around may lend their tongue, And sweetly join my dying song."

"SABBATH, December 8, 1812.

"'Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thy hand against mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.' 'The Lord will perfect that which concerns me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.' Psalm 138:7, 8.

"I will no longer mourn over loss of memory; I think the Lord has more than made it up to me by his sensible presence while hearing and applying the sermon to my heart at the time; not only so, he enlightens my understanding; it opens more to the elucidations of my pastor; and though I forget the words and the order of his discourses, I am instructed in the knowledge of the subject and the Scriptures in general. Shall I deny the grace of G.o.d through fear or pride? I see it not to be my duty. Can I attribute any thing to myself? No; shame and confusion of face belong to me, for my carelessness and idleness in the use of means during health and strength of body and mind. Never has G.o.d dealt with me as I sinned, but according to his own mercy, and in a way of great sovereignty. Let me record his great goodness, his tender mercies, and bless his name.

"Old age is upon me, and some of its infirmities; my memory is much impaired, and my mind in temporal things and subjects becomes very desultory. Not so in spirituals: I think I not only hear and read with more intense attention and prompt application, but my mind is more disposed to meditation; and though I cannot remember much of the sermons I hear, yet my mind is often furnished with happy and profitable thoughts on the same subjects; and I find myself instructed without remembering the instructions. This is evidently from the Lord.

It appears to me also that I have not lost the sensibility of youth. I often shed tears, not only of compunction, but of grat.i.tude. I seldom commune without tears. I think much of death; am solemnized, but not afraid.

"As far as I know, my confidence rests upon a surety-righteousness, exclusive of every thing in myself. I am not conscious of self-righteousness; I have no complacency in any thing ever done by me. I not only believe that in all things I come short, and that sin is mixed in all I do, because G.o.d hath said so, but am sensible of the particular depravity. It is my sincere desire to be stript of every thing that is mine--sins and duties laid in one heap--and to be clothed in the surety-righteousness of my Redeemer; all that is mine put to his account, and all that he did and suffered, as the Mediator and surety of the covenant, to mine.

"I am afflicted with rheumatism, but G.o.d gives me patience, disposes me to enumerate my many remaining mercies--eyes to read his word and ears to hear it preached; hitherto such moderation of pain as very often to be able to attend with fixedness. I have my room at my own command, candle, fire, and attendance; and O, bless the Lord, my soul, much of his sensible presence. In the night when my aches prevent me from sleeping, he gives me some sweet hymn; I sing, my pain is diverted, while my heart is melted and warmed under the expressions, and I often drop asleep with the words on my tongue.

"I am convinced that the provision I have laid in for my last journey in the wilderness and through Jordan, is selected by the influence of the Holy Ghost. He takes of the things of Christ and shows them unto me; and while he keeps upon my mind my meanness, my vileness, wrings my heart with the retrospect of my backslidings and highly aggravated transgressions, he opens at the same time the leaves of the New Testament and shows me my deliverance from punishment, the redemption of my soul, and my translation into the kingdom of G.o.d's dear Son: I weep and rejoice; I loathe myself, and clasping my Saviour to my heart, am at a loss for words to express how precious he is to my saved soul.

"Jesus, I love thy charming name, 'Tis music to my ear; Fain would I sound it out so loud That heaven and earth should hear.

Yes, thou art precious to my soul, My transport and my trust, My Saviour, Shepherd, Husband, Friend, No other good I boast.

All my capacious powers can wish, In thee doth richly meet; Not to mine eyes is light so dear.

Nor friendship's self so sweet.

Thy grace shall dwell upon my heart And shed its fragrance there, The n.o.blest balm of all my wounds, And cordial of my care.