Death saw two Quakers sitting at church, Quoth he, "We shall not differ."

And he let them alone, like figures of stone, For he could not make them stiffer.

He saw two duellists going to fight, In fear they could not smother; And he shot one through at once--for he knew They never would shoot each other.

He saw a watchman fast in his box, And he gave a snore infernal; Said Death, "He may keep his breath, for his sleep Can never be more eternal."

He met a coachman driving his coach So slow, that his fare grew sick; But he let him stray on his tedious way, For Death only wars on the _quick_.

Death saw a toll-man taking a toll, In the spirit of his fraternity; But he knew that sort of man would extort, Though summon'd to all eternity.

He found an author writing his life, But he let him write no further; For Death, who strikes whenever he likes, Is jealous of all self-murther!

Death saw a patient that pull'd out his purse, And a doctor that took the sum; But he let them be--for he knew that the "fee"

Was a prelude to "faw" and "fum."

He met a dustman ringing a bell, And he gave him a mortal thrust; For himself, by law, since Adam's flaw, Is contractor for all our dust.

He saw a sailor mixing his grog, And he marked him out for slaughter; For on water he scarcely had cared for Death, And never on rum-and-water.

Death saw two players playing at cards, But the game wasn't worth a dump, For he quickly laid them flat with a spade, To wait for the final trump!

A SAILOR'S APOLOGY FOR BOW-LEGS.

There's some is born with their straight legs by natur-- And some is born with bow-legs from the first-- And some that should have grow'd a good deal straighter, But they were badly nurs'd, And set, you see, like Bacchus, with their pegs Astride of casks and kegs: I've got myself a sort of bow to larboard, And starboard, And this is what it was that warp'd my legs.--

'Twas all along of Poll, as I may say, That foul'd my cable when I ought to slip; But on the tenth of May, When I gets under weigh, Down there in Hertfordshire, to join my ship, I sees the mail Get under sail, The only one there was to make the trip.

Well--I gives chase, But as she run Two knots, to one, There warn't no use in keeping on the race!

Well--casting round about, what next to try on, And how to spin, I spies an ensign with a Bloody Lion, And bears away to leeward for the inn, Beats round the gable, And fetches up before the coach-horse stable: Well--there they stand, four kickers in a row.

And so I just makes free to cut a brown 'un's cable.

But riding isn't in a seaman's natur-- So I whips out a toughish end of yarn, And gets a kind of sort of a land-waiter To splice me, heel to heel, Under the she-mare's keel, And off I goes, and leaves the inn a-starn!

My eyes! how she did pitch!

And wouldn't keep her own to go in no line, Tho' I kept bowsing, bowsing at her bow-line, But always making lee-way to the ditch, And yaw'd her head about all sorts of ways.

The devil sink the craft!

And wasn't she trimendus slack in stays!

We couldn't, no how, keep the inn abaft!

Well--I suppose We hadn't run a knot--or much beyond-- (What will you have on it?)--but off she goes, Up to her bends in a fresh-water pond!

There I am!--all a-back!

So I looks forward for her bridle-gears, To heave her head round on the t'other tack; But when I starts, The leather parts, And goes away right over by the ears!

What could a fellow do, Whose legs, like mine, you know, we're in the bilboes, But trim myself upright for bringing-to, And square his yard-arms, and brace up his elbows, In rig all snug and clever, Just while his craft was taking in her water?

I didn't like my berth tho', howsomdever, Because the yarn, you see, kept getting tauter,-- Says I--I wish this job was rayther shorter!

The chase had gain'd a mile A-head, and still the she-mare stood a-drinking; Now, all the while Her body didn't take of course to shrinking.

Says I, she's letting out her reefs, I'm thinking-- And so she swell'd, and swell'd, And yet the tackle held, 'Till both my legs began to bend like winkin.

My eyes! but she took in enough to founder!

And there's my timbers straining every bit, Ready to split, And her tarnation hull a-growing rounder!

Well, there--off Hertford Ness, We lay both lash'd and water-logg'd together, And can't contrive a signal of distress; Thinks I, we must ride out this here foul weather, Tho' sick of riding out--and nothing less; When, looking round, I sees a man a-starn:-- Hollo! says I, come underneath her quarter!-- And hands him out my knife to cut the yarn.

So I gets off, and lands upon the road, And leaves the she-mare to her own consarn, A-standing by the water.

If I get on another, I'll be blow'd!-- And that's the way, you see, my legs got bow'd!

THE VOLUNTEER.

"The clashing of my armor in my ears Sounds like a passing bell; my buckler puts me In mind of a bier; this, my broadsword, a pickaxe To dig my grave."

THE LOVER'S PROGRESS.

I.

'Twas in that memorable year France threaten'd to put off in Flat-bottom'd boats, intending each To be a British coffin, To make sad widows of our wives, And every babe an orphan:--

II.

When coats were made of scarlet cloaks, And heads were dredg'd with flour, I listed in the Lawyer's Corps, Against the battle hour; A perfect Volunteer--for why?

I brought my "will and pow'r."

III.

One dreary day--a day of dread, Like Cato's, over-cast-- About the hour of six, (the morn And I were breaking fast,) There came a loud and sudden sound, That struck me all aghast!

IV.

A dismal sort of morning roll, That was not to be eaten; Although it was no skin of mine, But parchment that was beaten, I felt tattooed through all my flesh, Like any Otaheitan.

V.

My jaws with utter dread enclos'd The morsel I was munching, And terror lock'd them up so tight, My very teeth went crunching All through my bread and tongue at once, Like sandwich made at lunching.

VI.

My hand that held the tea-pot fast, Stiffen'd, but yet unsteady, Kept pouring, pouring, pouring o'er The cup in one long eddy, Till both my hose were marked with _tea_, As they were mark'd already.