Ten.

PERIL IN.

CRAB CITY.

Letters published in the St Helena Gazette, 1815.

Dear St Helena Gazette Letters page, I'm sure I'm not the only resident to find our new arrival the Pirate Captain a real breath of fresh air. I especially enjoy his stentorian nose, and I think I probably speak for all us when I say that he has the most luxuriant beard ever. I wonder how he gets it so silky-looking? Perhaps, if he is not too busy, he could pen an article on the subject for our little gazette. I also like his shoes.

Hugs, An Anonymous Islander Dear Sirs, I am just writing to congratulate our island's Amateur Dramatics Society on last Thursday's fine staging of The Tempest. I think Monsieur Bonaparte deserves special praise for his brilliant and commanding Ferdinand such a shame that the whole performance was somewhat let down by the rather hammy overacting of the Pirate Captain's Miranda. Otherwise, four stars!

Salutations distinguees, A long-time devoted reader Dear St Helena Gazette Letters page, What a pity that our island's recent garden fete, which was for the most part a fun day out for all, suffered from such erratic judging in the Heaviest Marrow section of the compet.i.tion. How Napoleon's frankly anaemic-looking entry was judged to have been superior to the Pirate Captain's gargantuan legume I will never know.

Hugs, An Anonymous Islander Dear Sirs, I was recently unfortunate enough to purchase ajar of the Pirate Captain's 'Famous Nautical Honey'. Perhaps in piratical circles it is usual for honey to consist mostly of bee heads, soil and seawater, but I would not recommend it to anyone of more refined tastes. By the way, I hear that Monsieur Bonaparte will be signing copies of his memoirs, A Long Road To Greatness, at the local bookshop this coming Sat.u.r.day. Make sure you get there early or risk disappointment!

Salutations distinguees, A long-time devoted reader Dear Hot and Nautical Magazine, Last week something amazing happened that I thought your readers might be interested in. I was at home in my cabin, minding my own business, when I heard a knock at the door. Well, I wasn't expecting anybody, so imagine my surprise when I opened it to find a stunning redhead standing in the hallway, wearing only a daring negligee! She had curves in all the right places and legs that just wouldn't quit! [letter continues page 2]

Dear St Helena Gazette Letters page, Sorry, best forget all that. Bit of a mix-up with the envelopes there. What I had intended to bring to the attention of your readers was not an unlikely erotic encounter with a flame-haired temptress, but rather the fact that this Friday the Pirate Captain will be signing copies of his memoirs, Fine Hams I Have Known, at the local butcher's.

Hugs, An Anonymous Islander Dear Sirs, Thank you for a fascinating article on the wildlife of the English countryside. It was an enthralling account of the kinds of creature we could meet here on St Helena, if it was a completely different place. Most interesting was the pa.s.sage on the cuckoo and the impertinent way it muscles into another bird's nest and grows fat on worms intended for others.

One individual who seems to have learned a great deal from the cuckoo is a certain Pirate Captain. I saw him at his recent book signing, oiling his way into the affections of the islanders by wearing a ridiculously ostentatious pair of voluminous trousers. As I watched from behind a goat carca.s.s, it occurred to me that they looked a lot like the curtains that were recently stolen from Monsieur Bonaparte's washing line. A coincidence? Perhaps not.

Salutations distinguees, A long-time devoted reader Dear St Helena Gazette Letters Page, In your last issue you published a letter that implied our island's most colourful character, the Pirate Captain, was not entirely honest. As an impartial observer, I would like to point out that he is renowned for his sense of fair play, as demonstrated by the recent cricket match on the green.

One particular incident springs to mind, when the Pirate Captain had knocked up a masterful forty-five runs. You may recall that in the first ball of a new over, he hit a magnificent shot towards the pavilion, where Monsieur Napoleon was supposed to be fielding. Not only did the Frenchman attempt to field the ball when it was clearly over the boundary, but he also caught it in his hat. In a demonstration of good-natured sportsmanship, the Pirate Captain only disputed his dismissal for two hours with Monsieur Napoleon and the umpire (who clearly had the sun in his eyes at the time), before conceding. But there was no way he was out, no matter what that little megalomaniac might say.

Hugs, An Anonymous Islander Dear Sirs, I notice your 'Anonymous Islander' makes no mention of the Pirate Captain's illegal use of cannons in the cricket match. I wonder if he'll use similar tactics at next week's public debate? I wouldn't put it past him.

On a lighter note, I would like to add how marvellous Monsieur Bonaparte was looking yesterday, walking up and down in his brand-new spats. Anyone with half a brain would realise that he's the natural choice for Head of the Residents' a.s.sociation. You can't trust men with beards, can you? They're clearly trying to hide something.

Salutations distinguees, A long-time devoted reader PS As a keen student of anatomy I would just like to say please please please please please can we have more of Jean the 'bathing beauty'?

Eleven.

SUBSTATION ALPHA.

MUST BE DESTROYED!.

he pirates walked briskly back and forth across the living room, which now, according to the banner hung across the wall, wasn't called the living room, it was called the 'Election Campaign Headquarters'. The walking briskly back and forth didn't achieve much but the Pirate Captain liked how it made everything look busy and dynamic. So far, most of the morning's strategy meeting had been devoted to coming up with a political logo. The pirates were very keen that it should reflect both the Captain's caring, inclusive side, but also his tough leadership qualities. After a lot of debate they had eventually decided on a picture of a bush baby holding a brick.

'So, what's next on the agenda, chief of staff?' asked the Pirate Captain, plumping himself down on the sofa.

'We should probably work on your manifesto, Captain,' replied the chief of staff, who was formerly known as the pirate with a scarf.

'That sounds exciting. Manifesto. Man-i-fes-to ... Any ideas?'

'Well,' said the pirate in green, consulting his clipboard. 'I thought we'd emphasise your commitment to free healthcare for all.'

'Oh yes. It's like I'm always saying if I decide I want an extra ear, or a double set of teeth, like a shark, I should be able to get it paid for by the state. Here's the slogan: "The Pirate Captain Says: Extra appendages from cradle to grave." Write that down.'

'I don't think that's in the remit of the Head of the Residents' a.s.sociation, Captain,' said the pirate in red, who had been put on duty making bunting to keep him out of trouble. The Pirate Captain threw an election pamphlet at his head.

'Pirate Captain, has it occurred to you that perhaps you're not really cut out for politics?' said Jennifer, who was allowed to speak freely about this sort of thing, because the rest of the pirates a.s.sumed that as a girl she wasn't attuned to social niceties. 'Politics is about belief and ideology. Whereas you just don't seem to have anything approaching a consistent opinion. Half an hour ago you were saying crime was caused by poverty. Then five minutes later you said it was caused by pirates who didn't bring you a cup of tea when you fancied one. And now you think ...'

'That crime is caused by uncomfortable sofas and crumbs in your beard,' said the Pirate Captain with absolute certainty.

'See?' said Jennifer.

The Pirate Captain leaped off the sofa. 'Ah, but that's my hidden strength,' he said with a cheerful wink. 'I don't have any actual views on anything so I'll just give the electorate exactly what they want! It's a golden opportunity to skip that whole idealistic young candidate stuff and jump straight to the part where I sell out to powerful lobby groups.'

'I'm afraid St Helena doesn't really have powerful lobby groups, unless you count the tramp who quite likes the earwigs,' said the pirate with a scarf. 'But we do have some polling data on the kind of things the islanders like.'

He handed the Captain a list. It read: Things that the islanders like:- Being left alone Queen Victoria Nice weather Crisps Pictures of cute animals Politeness 'Right,' said the Captain, after a bit of deliberation. 'They like Queen Victoria. They like crisps. Bingo! We'll make a statue of Queen Victoria out of crisps, thus killing two birds with one stone. Honestly, a political mind like mine only comes along once in a generation.'

Before the Pirate Captain could get any further with his crisp/statue plans, they were interrupted by a sharp tap at the window. There, pressed against the gla.s.s was the small grimy face of an island urchin.

'In 1807,' the urchin began to intone seriously, 'Napoleon defeated Russian forces at the battle of Friedland. And in 1807 the Pirate Captain got his arm stuck in a drain for an entire month, after trying to pick up what he thought was a shilling, but which turned out to be a shiny pebble. In 1808 Napoleon captured the city of Madrid. And in 1808 the Pirate Captain's ill-advised attempt at home-brewing grog burnt down half of Portsmouth. In 1809 Napoleon successfully annexed the Papal States. And in 1809 the Pirate Captain tried to start a short-lived business painting horses to look like zebras. Who would you trust with your children's future? This advertis.e.m.e.nt was brought to you by the Committee to Re-elect Napoleon.'

And with that the urchin scampered off in the direction of another house.

'That's a bit cheeky,' exclaimed the Pirate Captain.

'I certainly didn't expect Napoleon to go negative at this stage of the campaign,' nodded the pirate with a scarf. 'There's only one thing for it, Captain.'

'You think we should spend some more time discussing my logo? That's the bit I've enjoyed most so far.'

'No, Captain. I think you need to get out there and set the record straight. Meet your public. And, most importantly, kiss some babies.'

The Pirate Captain sat back down and furrowed his brow. 'Aaarrr. Not really sure about the baby-kissing business. Always found babies have a bit of a funny smell about them. And I don't want one sicking up all over my nice blousy shirt, which I believe they're p.r.o.ne to do at the drop of a hat'

'Baby kissing is a tried and tested way of getting votes, Captain.'

The Captain didn't look convinced. 'Thing is, number two, what's the voting age nowadays?'

'It's eighteen, sir.'

'Exactly!' The Pirate Captain waggled an informative finger. 'So there's not much point lavishing all this attention on babies when they can't even vote for me, is there? I should be concentrating on the eighteen-year-olds. And you know which other bit of the electorate is often unfairly overlooked? Women. So really it makes a lot more sense for me to spend the morning kissing eighteen-year-old women.'22 'Right, here we go, number two,' said the Pirate Captain, hopping up onto a treasure chest that the pirates had set out in the middle of the village green as a makeshift soapbox. The pirate with a scarf handed him a megaphone made out of an empty milk bottle.

'Oh, this is good,' said the Captain, waggling the milk bottle. 'I like the way it makes my voice go all booming.' He held it up to his lips, and then put it down again, because he realised he hadn't decided what to say. 'What do you suggest I start off with?' he asked the pirate with a scarf.

'You're strong on immigration, Captain.'

'Yes, good idea.' The Captain cleared his throat and spoke into the megaphone, waving at the small crowd of islanders who had mostly turned up to see what all the noise was about. 'h.e.l.lo there, people of St Helena! Did you know that there has recently been a huge increase in immigration? This is a small island and it cannot be expected to cope with an influx of foreigners stealing our jobs and our earwigs. Only last month a band of actual pirates was allowed to stay on the island. Are these the kind of people we want as neighbours?'

But before the Pirate Captain really had a chance to get going he noticed the same urchin from before was whispering something to one of the watching islanders. Soon there was a murmuring amongst the crowd and they all started to drift off down towards the beach.

'Excuse me!' said the Pirate Captain, calling after them. 'I haven't got to the bit where I tell you my bold plans to hollow out the island and put some kind of steam engine in there. That way we could follow the international dateline around the globe and none of us would ever get any older. A vote for the Pirate Captain is a vote for eternal life!'

'They've gone, Captain,' said Jennifer.

'I think something is afoot,' said the pirate in green.

The Pirate Captain sighed. 'Well then, I suppose we'd better go and see what on earth could be more interesting than me.'

All the islanders were standing in a circle, looking at something on the shingle in front of them. s.n.a.t.c.hes of excited chatter drifted up from the beach, and the pirates hurried forward to see what all the fuss was about. When they finally got to the ring of islanders they saw, lying there in an awkward heap, a gigantic dead squid splayed across the rocks. It was about ten feet long, with one big yellow eye the size of a plate, and a body that was the sort of greyish colour that the Pirate Captain tended to turn when he'd eaten too many sausages in one sitting.

'Is that it?' said the Pirate Captain, who couldn't help but look unimpressed. 'I was expecting something a bit more exciting than a big washed-up squid. Still, it will make a nice change for dinner, I suppose.'

'How can you even suggest such a thing?' said an appalled lady islander. 'To treat her like this, even now she's dead!'

'I beg your pardon?' said the Captain, baffled.

'There appears to be more to this matter than a simple beaching,' explained the Governor.

'Really? You suspect foul play?'

'Moider!' said the pirate from the Bronx, who pretty much lived for these moments.

'Not murder,' said the Governor gravely. 'Suicide.'

'What on earth makes you think that?' asked Jennifer. 'Squids and whales and things wash up all the time, don't they?'

'They do, young lady,' said Napoleon, who seemed to be looking very pleased with himself. 'But this poor creature was found with a note in its beak.'

'A note? Really?' said the Pirate Captain, incredulous. 'There you go. I always thought they had brains the size of beads.'

'I must say, Captain, it doesn't look good,' said the Governor, handing over a soggy piece of paper and shooting him a disappointed frown. The Pirate Captain fished out his spectacles and started to read: To whom it may concern, I cannot go on any longer. I know people think us giant squid are just unfathomable monsters of the deep, but we have feelings too. And it is time the world learned the terrible truth. For several years now the Pirate Captain and I have been carrying on an illicit affair. Many times I have asked the Pirate Captain to do right by me, but he refuses, always telling me that he cannot be seen having a relationship with a giant squid because of the harm it would do to his public image. Also, sometimes he hits me. Anyhow, just yesterday I discovered I was pregnant with the Pirate Captain's secret love child! I told the Pirate Captain about this and he flew into a rage and said he would never help support his half-squid/half-pirate progeny and then he hit me some more. So now I am going to commit suicide by beaching myself.

Goodbye, cruel world

The Giant Squid The Pirate Captain looked up from the note and a row of accusatory faces looked back at him.

'Well, that's absurd on so many levels I barely know where to begin,' he protested. For a start, where would a Giant Squid get St Helena Residents' a.s.sociation note-paper? Also the handwriting is normal-sized, whereas surely it should be giant-sized. And finally, just look at the thing! It's hideous. If I was to date a squid, which I'm not saying I would, though you should never rule these things out, especially if you've been at sea for a few months, but if I was, I'd go for one of the more attractive species, like Sepioteuthis sepioidea, the Caribbean Reef Squid. Or one of those iridescent ones, they're actually very pretty. Certainly not this flabby beaked monstrosity, anyhow.'

But despite the Captain's protestations several of the islanders and even a couple of the more easily swayed pirates were already trudging away, muttering things under their breath.

'Now, look here,' said the Pirate Captain, waving uselessly after them. 'I wouldn't have a clue how to begin to impregnate a giant squid. My zoological knowledge is famously ropey.' His words floated away with the crowds across the beach.

'What unfortunate timing,' said Napoleon, giving the Pirate Captain a consoling squeeze on his bicep. 'And I was really hoping this election would be settled on the issues, rather than what are frankly irrelevant character flaws. But you know what the public's appet.i.te for scandal is like.' He doffed his hat and skipped off down the beach. 'Anyhow, good luck at tomorrow's debate, Captain,' he called over his shoulder. 'May the best man win.'

'It's character a.s.sa.s.sination!' exclaimed the Pirate Captain, back at his Campaign HQ. He angrily flung a rosette across the room and knocked one of his flying ducks off the wall in the process. 'It's a sad day for democracy when this kind of thing replaces mature debate on what really matters, like who has the best hair and other things like that.'

'The opinion polls certainly don't look good, Captain,' said the pirate with a scarf, studying a chart.

'Is there any way you could sugar-coat it for me?' asked the Captain. 'You know I'm not very good at dealing with things I don't want to hear.'

'Well, the good news is that when asked "do you think the Pirate Captain has nice eyes" you score very highly, right across all demographic groups. And the response is also overwhelmingly positive that "Yes, the Pirate Captain does have a certain indefinable elan." But I'm afraid Napoleon is ahead of you when it comes to "the person we would most trust when left alone with our teenage daughters". And of the population's two lunatics I'm afraid both think they're Napoleon rather than you.'

'That's a blow,' said the Captain, rubbing his chin. 'I'm normally very popular amongst the lunatic const.i.tuency.'

'And unfortunately with the debate tomorrow, there's not much time for this squid scandal to blow over.' The pirates all looked at their shoes in a bit of a funk.

'You can't just let him get away with it!' exploded Jennifer. 'I know we're bee-keepers now and we're all about quiet reflection and solitude and all that rot, but that doesn't mean we have to lose all our vim and pep.'

'I still have plenty of pep,' said the Pirate Captain defensively. 'I'm just not going to stoop to that cove's devious level. We're going take a different, more direct approach.'

'Are we going to run him through?' asked the pirate in green hopefully.

'Let's feed him to the sharks!' said the pirate with gout. He bit his cutla.s.s to look extra fearsome.

'Slice his gizzard!' said the albino pirate.