"Don't talk daft. It wasn't a beguine." Gate Martha poked another log into the brazier. "You think the whole of Ulewic hasn't been asking themselves why our cattle were spared the murrain? Owl Masters have spies everywhere. They'll have been watching the track to the beguinage. But there's no reason any of the villagers need find out you're giving us the Host. Not if we're careful. Say Mass at midnight; all in the infirmary'll be sleeping then."

Gate Martha made it sound so simple. Maybe she was right; it was the only thing I could do. I would not lead the beguines in an act of public penance and humiliation. It would devastate the women and destroy any faith the villagers had in us. And neither would I surrender the relic to the priest. The beguines had put their faith in it, and how could I continue as Servant Martha if they saw me intimidated into relinquishing it? But the beguinage would not continue without the sacraments. The beguines were devout pious women who had dedicated their lives to God; they would never stay if they believed they were condemning themselves to Hell.

I sank shakily onto the bench, grasping the reality of the wood, solid in my hands. My fingertips dug into its unyielding form so hard they hurt, but I couldn't seem to let go of it.

The first Christians broke bread and shared among themselves. Why not us? Why should we not do as they did? Women sow the fields, reap the grain, grind it, shape it, and bake it-why then do we shrink from placing it in the mouths of God's children?

I thought I glimpsed the faintest of smiles on Healing Martha's face, as she watched me. Were my thoughts so transparent to her? I rose without speaking and walked towards the chapel. But even without turning, I knew Healing Martha and Gate Martha were exchanging silent nods, smugly certain that they had persuaded me.

THE CHAPEL WAS EMPTY AND SILENT. The chill air leached the heat from my bones. Lights from the candles flickered like moths across the dark walls, setting the painted figures dancing in and out of shadows. The chill air leached the heat from my bones. Lights from the candles flickered like moths across the dark walls, setting the painted figures dancing in and out of shadows.

The women had gone to their beds. Only Healing Martha knelt with me. I couldn't see her face, so deep was it shrunk inside her hood, but I knew she prayed; I could feel the spirit rising from her. Was she praying for me? I stared up at Andrew's reliquary on the altar, resting like a tiny coffin between two candles.

Andrew had placed herself, body, mind, and spirit, under the protection of the Church, that holy shield beneath which all fragile human souls find refuge. The shield of faith and obedience passed from hand to hand in an unbroken chain of male consecration, stretching all the way back through the darkness of persecution to Saint Peter and through his hand to our blessed Lord Himself. Through that chain a priest may touch Christ's hand and may grasp the very power of God.

Yet here I knelt asking Andrew for her grace, while refusing to submit my will to the Church. Worse than that, seeking, as I asked for her blessing, to take powers upon me that are denied even to ordinary men.

A gust of wind tore at the chapel door and the candle flames guttered. Healing Martha clambered painfully to her feet and limped to the door. I followed. Together we walked back towards our rooms, drawing the sharp night air into our lungs. We paused at the door of Healing Martha's cell.

She lent wearily against the wall in the darkness, massaging the small of her back. "You are resolved now?"

"I can see no other way to hold the beguinage together. But will the women accept the Host from my hands?"

"Our sisters in Flanders have given the Host to those whom the Church has cast out. The Marthas know that and they will help you to convince the others. But there is something more you have not yet considered."

"Can the matter not wait until tomorrow, Healing Martha?" I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep.

She took my hand and squeezed it. "I wish it could, but you need to understand what you are about to do. The Host which the Franciscan brought-there are only three pieces remaining. Even broken, it will not be enough."

"Then we must get word to the Franciscan to ask him to resume his visits. He will help us, I'm sure."

"No, no, old friend, that he must not do. It would be dangerous for him and for us. You heard Gate Martha-they are watching the beguinage."

"Then we must find someone else to bring it. Someone the priest will not suspect."

She shook her head. "You know what punishments are meted out to anyone caught giving the Host to those who have been excommunicated. We've no right to ask it of others.

"As for us, we must pray the Franciscan is never found. Even the strongest of men can be broken by the Church's interrogators. Father Ulfrid may be as blind as a mole in sunlight, but there are others whose vision is clearer. If the friar were to confess that he never came within our walls, they would not be slow to reason out your role in this play and if they did, the matter would not end with excommunication. Not for you, not for any of us. Father Ulfrid wouldn't plead clemency for a newborn babe inside these walls."

I felt like screaming in exasperation. "Healing Martha, you were the one urging me to give the Host to the women. What have we been wasting time talking about this for, if there is no Host to give them and no hope of obtaining any? We have failed. We may as well pack up now, tonight, and return to Bruges. The beguinage cannot survive here."

As if it heard me, a sudden gust of wind howled around the beguinage walls. Doors and shutters rattled and a leather pail skittered across the courtyard.

Healing Martha pulled her cloak tighter around herself. "There is only one thing you can do, old friend. You must consecrate the Host yourself."

"No! To give the Host that is already consecrated, that is one thing. I would merely be acting as the servant, passing a dish offered by a host to a guest. But I cannot consecrate it. I cannot take bread and turn it into His flesh."

"It's but another small step and you are already walking upon this path."

"I cannot do it," I insisted. "How could you even think it? I'm not a priest. I am not a friar. I am not even a man."

"It is not the merit of the priest who turns bread into flesh. It is God who turns bread into flesh and even when that priest has sinned, still the bread becomes flesh." Healing Martha grasped my wrists and turned the palms of my hands upwards. "So why should God not make flesh of bread held in these these hands?" hands?"

Why was she asking this of me? I was exhausted. Hadn't I carried enough in these past weeks? And now, instead of supporting me, she added this terrible weight. Around me lay the closed shutters of the other rooms, the fastened doors, the impenetrable shadows of the empty courtyard. It was a cloudless night. A thousand stars flickered like distant candles in the violet sky. And behind each candle in the darkness was a face watching, waiting, listening. They were silent. They would give me no sign. They would only judge. They would abandon me to choice and condemn me when I chose wrongly.

Healing Martha pushed the door of her room open. She turned to look back at me. The glow of the fire behind her in the darkened room surrounded her with a halo of light.

"Tell me, Healing Martha," I said softly. "How did we come to be walking down this road and not notice where our steps were leading? When did we turn onto this path?"

"It matters not how or when, old friend. We are set on the path now and there is no going back. There is no going back."

november andermass the feast of saint andrew, crucified on an x-shaped cross, patron saint of fishermen.[image] saint rule set sail with the relics of saint andrew to discover where saint andrew wanted his bones to rest and in a storm he was cast ashore in fife, scotland. saint rule set sail with the relics of saint andrew to discover where saint andrew wanted his bones to rest and in a storm he was cast ashore in fife, scotland.[image] thus he concluded the bones wanted to be housed in scotland. thus he concluded the bones wanted to be housed in scotland.

beatrice

i CALLED HER GUDRUN CALLED HER GUDRUN as her grandmother Gwenith named her. It fitted her. "My little Gudrun." Sometimes when I said it she even turned towards me as if she knew her name. Servant Martha said Gudrun was a heathen name for it means as her grandmother Gwenith named her. It fitted her. "My little Gudrun." Sometimes when I said it she even turned towards me as if she knew her name. Servant Martha said Gudrun was a heathen name for it means the gods' secret lore the gods' secret lore. So the Marthas gave her a new name, Dympna, because she had the falling sickness. It's cruel to name a child for the affliction that torments her. I bet it was Servant Martha who suggested it. She'd be the first to point out someone else's weaknesses.

Servant Martha tried to baptise the child too, for neither Gate Martha nor Pega could recall her ever being brought to St. Michael's, but the Devil would not easily come out of her. Gudrun desperately fought the Marthas who held her, as if they were trying to murder her. Finally she managed to break free and ran out of the chapel to hide in the space between the byre and stable, a gap so narrow you'd think a cat could hardly squeeze in. I sat outside with her half the night murmuring nonsense, trying to coax her to come out with offers of food. She did, eventually, but she never answered to the name Dympna.

At first she ranged restlessly around the beguinage, trying to find a way out, while Servant Martha for her part tried in vain to impose some discipline and order in Gudrun's day. It was the first time I'd ever seen Servant Martha defeated by anyone. Gudrun could not be set to the simplest of tasks. She wandered away in the middle of sweeping a room, or else crouched in a chaos of wet linen, staring up at the sky in a trance. During services in the chapel she gazed at the candles and the paintings on the walls of the Blessed Virgin, wandering over during prayers to trace the outline of a face with her finger. The clanging of the bell terrified her. She'd press her fingers to her ears and run into one of her hiding places until it stopped. She never seemed to get used to it.

Servant Martha tried to bring her to heel by telling her she would get no food if she didn't work, but Kitchen Martha and I smuggled food to her in spite of Servant Martha's instructions. It was pointless to punish Gudrun. She didn't understand. Hunger was so much part of her life before she came to the beguinage that she didn't connect it with her actions; to her, it was simply another senseless blow falling without reason. Besides, if I didn't smuggle food to her, she'd only steal it from the kitchen or the beasts, so I was saving her from a worse sin.

She refused to wear the beguine's kirtle, repeatedly throwing it off, scrubbing her skin as if it hurt her. All her life she had worn nothing but a light shift and the kirtle must have felt so heavy to her. But Servant Martha insisted her short ragged shift was indecent for a girl of her age, so I stitched her a new linen shift, long enough to cover her, but light enough for her to bear the weight of it. Servant Martha pursed her lips, but said nothing. Even she recognised that it was better that Gudrun wore the shift than walked around half naked. Besides, the girl never left the confines of the beguinage, so who was to see her except us?

Servant Martha had given orders that Gudrun was never to be allowed out of the beguinage. We were not to let her work in the fields for fear that she'd simply wander away and starve by herself or, worse, be drawn to the village to steal food. The villagers already feared her; add theft to her list of crimes and they wouldn't be inclined to mercy.

We didn't even take Gudrun with us when we buried her grandmother. There was no point in asking leave to bury Gwenith in the churchyard. Thanks to Servant Martha, the priest wouldn't grant a Christian burial to any who had lain within our walls, not even on the north side of the church among the unshriven souls. And even if he had, Gate Martha said that the villagers would dig Gwenith up again, dismember the corpse and scatter the pieces, or drive iron nails into the soles of her feet to stop her ghost walking. If they feared her in life, they feared her twice as much in death.

So we took Gwenith's body back up the hill to her cottage and buried the old woman beneath the stones of her own hearth. In the end the four of us who had brought her down were all the souls who escorted her back up the river to her grave. We buried her quietly and quickly, indecently quickly. I don't think Servant Martha had forgiven Gwenith for laughing on her deathbed; that's why she was so determined to force her granddaughter through the gates of Heaven, just to spite the old woman. But how can a soul be brought to salvation, if she can't understand? And what did Gudrun understand except that the sun was warm and the rain was cold? And her birds, she understood the birds.

Her raven wouldn't enter the beguinage, but he perched on the outer wall each day at noon, croaking until Gudrun came to him. Gate Martha tried to drive him away by waving a broom or throwing stones. She said a raven hanging about the place was unlucky, a death omen, but it was no use, for the bird would simply flap a little way off and perch in a nearby tree cawing as loudly as ever and watching for a chance to return.

But it wasn't just the raven Gudrun loved. Whenever I couldn't find her I knew just where she was hiding. I'd tiptoe into the pigeon cote and there she'd be, squatting on the flagstones, with the pigeons on her shoulders, nestling into her warm hair. They'd lie as quietly in her open hands as if they slept in their own nests. She had a way with them, knowing at once when a bird was sick and how to heal it. Unable to go out to look for herbs, she'd go to the stillroom and take any she needed, pushing aside anyone who tried to stop her. Healing Martha gave her freedom to come and go as she pleased; she said that Gudrun knew as much about curing birds and animals as she herself knew of healing man.

At night, Gudrun slept in the cote, curled up in a heap of straw on the floor, birds nestling against her as if they brooded her. I didn't try to stop her anymore. On cold nights I'd creep in and cover her up with a blanket while she slept. I'd stand and watch her, her face buried beneath her arm, her hair turned to red-gold in the yellow flame of my lantern. I'd listen to the steady breathing, watch her fingers curled like an infant's, her baby lips parted as if she was waiting to be kissed. I could watch over my little Gudrun all night.

And it was because of Gudrun that I didn't leave the beguinage when Servant Martha told us that Father Ulfrid had excommunicated us all. I should have gone when I had the chance. Servant Martha gave us a choice, if you can call what she offered a choice.

"If any of you wish to return to the beguinage in Bruges, we will arrange immediate passage on board ship for you."

A sea crossing in the middle of winter; who would be crazy enough to attempt that? It had been bad enough in summer. It was like saying to a prisoner you can rot in jail or you can escape by running through a hall of mad dogs.

She'd assembled us all in the chapel after dark. Andrew's reliquary lay on the altar in front of us, beneath the crucifix and the painting of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The rest of the Marthas sat around Servant Martha, facing us, grave but composed. Servant Martha rose and stood taller and straighter than ever, the candlelight casting a giant shadow of her on the wall.

The Marthas must have known what she was going to say, but we mere beguines had heard not a whisper of what had been discussed and there was a shocked silence in the chapel as Servant Martha told us what the priest had demanded-the relic and our public penance or excommunication. Little Catherine, sitting beside me, began to sob like a terrified child when the words sank in.

Servant Martha, ignoring Catherine, let us digest these momentous facts for a few moments, then she presented us with her solution. We needed no priest to mediate between us and our Lord; we would consecrate the Host ourselves, she said. We would give it to one another as the first Christians had done, as indeed, Christ had intended that night He met with his disciples.

"Women feed the world," she declared, "from the cradle to the grave, nourishing the unborn in the womb, suckling the infant, feeding husband, children, friend and stranger, the old, the sick, and the dying. Is it not the most natural thing in the world that our sex should give the bread of life to the soul just as we give it to the body? Is it not in fact our natural part, our role, our calling?

"We recite each day that God's spirit is in us. Should we not stand upon the truth of what we say or is it just an empty phrase, a hollow piety? If our spirit is with God and as God, if God is in us and we are in Him, then why should we not consecrate His body as He does ours?"

The beguines stared at one another. Servant Martha's gaze swept the room as if daring any one of us to challenge her. I knew what she was saying was all wrong, but I could not put my arguments into words. Surely if anyone could consecrate the bread, the Church would have told us. How, after hundreds of years, could it suddenly be possible for a woman to do what the Pope said only a priest could do? But I knew whatever I said, Servant Martha could defeat with a clever phrase.

Servant Martha said any who believed what she was proposing was wrong should obey their conscience and leave the chapel at once. Then she sat down and watched us. All the Marthas watched us, except for Kitchen Martha, who stared miserably at her chubby hands, unwilling to look at anyone.

I should have left then. I could have gone back to Bruges, to the comfortable life I had so long regretted leaving. But I didn't move. The sea crossing-yes, that was enough to dissuade the bravest soul-but I was thinking of Gudrun curled up asleep in the cote. I couldn't leave her to the mercy of a woman like Servant Martha who had the warmth and compassion of a stoat. Someone had to look after the child. Gudrun needed a mother; she needed me me.

No one rose and walked through the lines of beguines to the door. I don't know why, perhaps they too knew there was no escape or maybe they really did believe what Servant Martha was doing was right. But that night we all ate the little piece of damnation she offered to us in her hands.

The Marthas rose and one by one extinguished the candles burning round the chapel until only a single candle burned on the altar in front of the miraculous Host. All eyes were turned to it, seeking shelter from the darkness in that one tiny flame. Then Servant Martha stepped forward and lit her candle; when the flame burned steadily she bent to light the one in the hands of little Margery, who served at the altar, then sent her into the body of women. We each lit our candles, one after another. The flame passed along the rows, from hand to hand, the light spreading, filling the chapel, driving the shadows from us into the deep corners and high up into the rafters.

Wherever these candles shall be set, the Devil shall flee away in fear and trembling with all his ministers.

As the light spread, the dancing began. Some of the women picked out the tune of the Nunc Dimittis Nunc Dimittis on their instruments; the rest on their instruments; the rest gathered gathered it up in song as if it was a joyous Easter carol. I stood silently watching them becoming drunk on the light, as I grew more sober. I don't know how long they danced, for we sang the it up in song as if it was a joyous Easter carol. I stood silently watching them becoming drunk on the light, as I grew more sober. I don't know how long they danced, for we sang the Nunc Dimittis Nunc Dimittis again and again, the last amen running into the first note as if they could not stop singing. again and again, the last amen running into the first note as if they could not stop singing.

Servant Martha seemed content to let the psalm be repeated until the women were exhausted, then she broke the circle and placed her candle before the statue of the Virgin. One by one, we added our candles. The light swelled around the Virgin until she floated on a carpet of yellow flame.

Blessed art Thou that through Thy pure body, redemption came into the world and lifted the curse of Eve from man.

The beguines did not take their eyes off Servant Martha as she said Mass.

We have received Your mercy, O God, in the midst of Your temple.

She held the Host in both hands. Her hands trembled, but her voice rang out strong and hard as a Cardinal's.

Domine, non sum dignus.

The hands of a woman lifted the chalice, His holy blood. I expected the chalice to shatter in her hand, as it had in the hands of Saint Benedict when the wine was poisoned. Was I the only one who saw the blasphemy of what she did? But they were all caught up in a rapture I couldn't share. I was a beggar spying on a feast, smelling the food but not tasting it, hearing the music but not dancing. Even Pega, solid sensible Pega, was as witched as the rest by Servant Martha. She was actually smiling at Osmanna. The two of them were as excited as children unwrapping gifts. None of the women seemed to understand what Servant Martha had done. Not only had she cut us off from the Holy Church and from the sacraments, but now she was putting our very lives and souls in peril.

december celtic feast day of saint diuma seventh-century irish bishop who was famed for converting the pagan mercians in england to christianity, but after the bishop's death it was widely claimed that the pious diuma, or diona, was in fact a woman.

father ulfrid

bUT COMMISSARIUS," I PROTESTED I PROTESTED, "Bishop Salmon received his tithes in full. I delivered everything you asked."

"Indeed you did and in coin too. I am intrigued to know how you managed it, Father."

The Commissarius sat rigid in a chair drawn up close to my cottage hearth. His face betrayed nothing of his thoughts. His two hands were pressed together at the fingertips, his fingers rhythmically flexing and unflexing. I couldn't tear my gaze from those undulating fingers; it was like watching the throat of some serpent pulsate as it swallowed its prey.

"I ... I did as you advised, Commissarius; I threatened the villagers ... with excommunication." My throat tightened as I spoke, as if those long thin fingers were squeezing it.

"Good, good," he replied thoughtfully. "So they found the money after all, did they? I must confess I was surprised, especially when I learned the cattle murrain had reached these parts. I thought you might have a little more trouble persuading them. No?"

He paused, watching me closely. I searched his face, trying to see if he believed me. I could find no clue. Was this another one of his games? Was he going to string this out, then without warning demand to see the chest where the church silver should have been? The man to whom I had given the silver in surety had sworn no one would hear of it; his reputation depended on as much, he said. But the Church had spies everywhere.

The Commissarius smiled his grim executioner's smile. "I am impressed, Father Ulfrid. It appears your parishioners are wealthier than they look." He leant forward, grasping the arms of the chair. "Good, good, that will make it all the easier for you to collect the Christmas tax."

"But, Commissarius, there is no Christmas tax on the common people. The knights and landowners are obliged to make certain gifts to the Church, but the ordinary people bring whatever offering they can on Epiphany."

"Quite so, quite so. I see you have been reading your predecessors' records as I advised. Never fear, Bishop Salmon will ensure that the landowners fulfil their Christmas obligations in full. But this year His Excellency the Bishop feels that the ordinary people might be encouraged to bring a little more than they have been accustomed to do in former times. The Church has suffered greatly these past few months. The harvest has been poor on its lands and it too suffered the loss of a great many beasts in the murrain. Bishop Salmon is anxious that the Church may not be able to fulfil its role of bringing salvation and charity to those in need. I wish to assure His Excellency that the good Christian people of this parish will be anxious to help in any way they can to further the great work of the Church."

My anger boiled over. "I thought you said, Commissarius, that the failing harvests were a judgement on the sin of the people? If that is so, surely the good Bishop's lands should have been spared. Or is God incapable of distinguishing saint from sinner?"

I saw his expression harden and knew I'd made a very stupid mistake. The Commissarius was not a man to stomach his words being thrown back at him.

"His Grace the Bishop is above reproach, but sadly the same cannot be said for those who work in his employ. As you above all people must be painfully aware, Father Ulfrid, many of those who serve the Church are steeped in sin and iniquity. And it is the sins of the priests and other so-called servants of the Church that Heaven cries out against."

He rose, pulling on his cloak. "But rest assured, Father Ulfrid, I will not leave you to carry this heavy burden all alone. It is my role to support parish priests in their great labours. I myself shall attend Mass on Christmas Day in St. Michael's, in order that I may preach to the people of Ulewic and remind them of their obligations for Epiphany. I trust I will be addressing a full congregation. I should be most displeased to find I'd had a long, cold ride for nothing."

He closed my cottage door quietly behind him. He was not a man to slam doors; he did not need to. After a few moments I heard the hoofbeats of his horse clatter away into the distance. But I sat unable to move from my chair, staring in disbelief at the closed door. A dank chill enveloped my room, as if the Commissarius had brought the stench of the Bishop's prison with him.

I was lost. There was no way out of this. Not only would the Commissarius find my church empty of congregation, but he would see the moment he entered St. Michael's on Christmas morning that the silver was gone. I could not possibly raise the money to redeem it in just two weeks. There was nothing ... nothing I could do.

Stealing the church silver was a hanging offence. Other priests could commit cold-blooded murder and still escape death by claiming Benefit of Clergy, but that mercy was up to the Bishop to grant and the Commissarius would ensure it was not granted to me. And they wouldn't just hang me. The Commissarius would regard slow strangulation on the end of a rope as too merciful a death. He'd make quite sure I suffered for Hilary first.

I found myself staring up at the beam above my head, picturing myself swinging there. A sharp snap of the neck and it would all be over. Not in the cottage, the rafters were too low, but the beams in the church were higher. A man could jump from those if he could get up there or he might hang himself from the rood screen. The Commissarius would see the justice in that-a gift for the Church on Christmas morning, the life of a priest. One less sinner in the Church. The Commissarius would think that a fitting tithe.

I yelped as my chair was kicked from behind, tipping it forward. I grabbed for the heavy table and just managed to stop myself crashing onto the floor. I scrambled to my feet. Phillip was standing behind me, roaring with laughter. I hadn't even heard him come in.

"Caught you napping, did I, Father? Not that I blame you. I saw the Bishop's little ferret riding off. That man would talk anyone into a stupor." He swung himself down into the chair vacated by the Commissarius. "I had to listen to that bastard once myself; nearly begged the servants to bludgeon me with a mace and put me out of my misery." He prodded my leg with the toe of his boot. "Come on, rouse yourself, man. Is this the way you greet your guests? I want wine and don't tell me you haven't got any."

I stumbled to fetch the flagon and two goblets. My hands were shaking so much that a puddle of wine spilled onto the table and dripped onto the floor. I didn't care. I handed him a goblet and I gulped down my own before he'd even taken a mouthful. I poured myself a second full measure and took a deep draught from it.

Phillip raised his eyebrows. "Gave your arse a roasting, did he? Now what have you done to upset the Bishop this time, I wonder?"

I gulped another mouthful. "If you must know, he came to tell me that he would be addressing my congregation on Christmas morning. It seems the Bishop's coffers are light this year, so the Commissarius intends to encourage the villagers to give generously this Epiphany. And you won't escape either. Bishop Salmon is going to exact the full Christmas tax from the landowners too, so you might want to warn your uncle."

Phillip gave a snort of laughter. "The Bishop can demand his dues from the Manor till he's dancing with the demons in purgatory, but my uncle will find a way of getting out of it; he always does."

He leaned back in the chair, propping his feet, expensively clad in their new red cordwain boots, up against the wall. Phillip always sprawled in a chair, or stood legs apart, arms akimbo, as if he was determined to fill the world with his great body.

"So the ferret is to give the Christmas sermon is he, Father? That at least will make two of you in church. You must be getting lonely, standing up there with no one to say Mass for except the spiders."

"After the abomination the Owl Masters performed on All Hallows' Eve, the villagers will come flocking back to the church," I told him. "You took one of their own children from the grave. Do you think they will forgive you for that? Do you honestly imagine they will continue to pay you for protection after what you have unleashed on them? They will soon realise that only the Church can save them from that demon."