"I don't think you can." She tensed up, but he held her and went on, "I'm glad you can't. I'm glad your life was so much better. I was in awe of you from the day I met you, and I'm still in awe of you. I think you can love me because it's not in you to understand what it was like. You see something good because you can't see what's bad. I don't want you to look at me like you did last night-when you were afraid, or later, when you felt sorry for me, just knowing the little that you do. I can't deal with that."

She stared at him, her eyes wide with hurt. He didn't look away. He had to learn to hold.

"I don't know what to say to that. It feels like you don't trust me enough. But okay. I don't want to make you hurt."

"I do trust you. I will tell you. I just wanted you to know why it scares me."

"Okay," she said and then turned again to face the windshield.

Demon felt fairly sure he'd ruined their good day.

But he hadn't. Tucker and kittens saved their day.

They stopped at a pet shop and then went by Margot's house and got the kittens set up. Sly must have heard their mewing, because he was through the little pet door before they could even go out and call for him. Faith closed up the pet door to keep him inside and then made sure all the bedroom and bathroom doors were closed, too. She was going to come spend the night with Demon and leave Sly in charge until the morning.

Sly was even nice to Tucker. He must have recognized him as a baby, because he let him squat at his side and pat his head in his not-quite-gentle toddler way, and he didn't make a fuss when Tucker picked up a kitten.

By the time they left, with Tucker protesting emphatically, Sly was lying in the soft bed Faith had bought, and the kittens were crawling all over him. His eyes were at half-mast and he was purring like crazy.

Demon had never seen Sly with kittens. Faith told him that she had, in a way. Apparently, he'd carried two baby bunnies into the yard not long after Demon had left for the Nomads. Margot had let Faith help him take care of them.

It seemed like Margot maybe had a soft spot for the big old tom.

Tucker's car nap had screwed up his routine, so he was up until nearly midnight. Everybody in the house watched television together for a while, and Demon started trying to put him down around ten o'clock. He'd read about a library's worth of picture books before he could finally put Tucker in his crib and turn out the light.

When he went into his room to change into sweats and a t-shirt, Faith was sitting in the middle of the bed. Figuring she wanted the privacy to talk, Demon counted heartbeats for a few seconds and then sat down next to her.

But before he could think of something to say, she rose up on her knees and leaned into him.

"We don't have to talk." She planted her lips firmly on his and shoved her tongue into his mouth. He flinched back at first; the talk he'd thought they were going to have had him in no way prepared to head in the direction her kiss was taking them. But she grabbed his head in her hands and held him.

It was Faith. He loved her. He loved kissing her. He loved loving her. And his body and mind recollected these facts within a few seconds. He pulled her onto his lap. She was wearing only his t-shirt and her panties. With his hands on her bare legs, he deepened their kiss.

As soon as he did, she smiled and pulled back, kissing his cheek and jaw, moving around to his ear. Demon closed his eyes and felt her, the soft press of her full lips on his skin, the gentle sting of her teeth nipping at him. She got to his ear and sucked on his lobe, making him shiver.

"You don't have your earring anymore," she murmured.

"You're just noticing?" he teased, feeling much calmer than he'd expected to feel when he'd come in to see her waiting.

"No. Just mentioning." She nipped at him. "The scar looks like it got torn out."

"It did."

She kissed it. "That must have hurt."

"It did. Bled like a f.u.c.ker. S'why I didn't pierce it again. Besides, it was lame."

"I liked it."

He leaned back and looked at her. "Yeah? You want me to do it again?"

"No. But I love that you would." Her grin lit up the dimly-lit room.

He caught her face in his hands and looked hard into her eyes. "I'd do anything for you."

For a second or two, she simply looked back into his eyes, just as deeply. Then she whispered, "There is something I'd like."

Feeling a hint of trepidation, he combed her hair back from her face. "What?"

"I'd like to give you head."

Demon didn't know what he'd thought she might say, but it hadn't been that. "Faith..." He moved, planning to set her on the bed next to him, but she grabbed his hands.

"Wait. I think I understand a little more why you wouldn't let me...before. But I know you had to have been with a lot of girls since. I know you've gotten head. That has to be true."

It was true, but it was irrelevant, and he didn't like the look in her eyes. This was about jealousy again, and she was ruining a nice ending to a complicated day. "Faith, come on."

"Did you let her give you head?"

f.u.c.k. Suddenly Dakota Nelson was everywhere he turned, like she was haunting him. "Don't bring her in here. You're putting her between us, and that sucks."

"You did, didn't you?"

The answer was yes, so he kept it to himself. She didn't understand at all. "Faith, please."

"You did. Why not me, then?"

"It's different with you."

"Why?"

"Because I love you!" He pushed her off his lap and stood up. He wanted to get away, but he had to learn to hold. So he walked to the window and stared at his reflection in the dark gla.s.s. Counting beats. "I love you. I don't want to make you do that."

After a minute or two, she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I think somebody made you do that."

The shudder ran through him despite his efforts to suppress it. "I will tell you all of it, but I can't talk about us at the same time. What we have can't get wound up in all that. I will lose my s.h.i.t."

"Okay. I'm sorry." She kissed his back and then leaned her head on him.

"Don't be jealous of her, Faith. You're everything. She was nothing." Demon knew then that his past-Kota, his childhood, all of it-would be between them until he answered the questions in Faith's head. Whether she demanded the answers or not, the questions were in the way. Even if it changed everything between them, even if she couldn't love him once she knew, he had to tell her. And hope for the best.

He sighed and picked up her arm from his waist, pulling her around so he could hold her. "I need to tell you everything. No secrets. I need you to know so you'll stop wondering." He looked down at her bare legs. "But put some pants on first."

CHAPTER THIRTEEN.

Bibi pushed Margot into the house, and Faith followed, carrying the bag she and Bibi had packed, as well as a couple of plastic bags of c.r.a.p the hospital had sent them home with.

It wasn't her mother who was coming back to this house. The days in the hospital seemed to have dulled the edges of the woman she'd been. Not that Faith really had any idea who her mother had been in the past ten years.

But for the past few days, Margot had been quiet and vaguely confused. She asked for Blue all the time and cried when no one could bring him to her. She knew Bibi-almost forty years of friendship had etched her best friend into many layers of her memory-but she only fleetingly understood who Faith was, and when she did, she thought she was still a girl. Since Faith and Margot had been in crisis during those years, it was easier, and just better, when she couldn't remember her at all.

Waiting in the house for them was Leonora Prater, who would be Margot's primary nurse. Sera was paying for one and a half daily shifts of home nursing. She'd offered to pay for three shifts, freeing Faith up entirely, but Faith wanted to try it this way first. She had no idea why, but she wanted to take care of her mother. Or at least try.

Leonora-Leo, she'd said to call her-had started working a couple of days earlier, and she had made a list of changes that needed to be made in the house. In almost no time, several members of the Horde had widened doors, built ramps, and hauled furniture and rugs to storage. They'd also installed child guards on cabinets and doors. Faith had trouble accepting that one. Her mother was becoming a child.

Because there was a notation in her file that she was p.r.o.ne to violent outbursts, the nurses a.s.signed to her-Leo and a male nurse, Jose-had particular training. And they were both large people. Margot was about an inch taller than Faith and maybe ten pounds heavier. Leo probably weighed two times as much. And Jose was built like a defensive lineman. The image of either of them taking Margot down, no matter how psycho she got, was almost laughable. If anything at all could have been laughable.

Now, Leo smiled as Bibi rolled Margot into the house. She bent down and took Margot's hand. "Hi, Margot. Do you remember me?" Leo had visited her in the hospital the day before.

Margot just smiled. And then one of the kittens, a little, snow-white girl, tumbled into the room, followed quickly by her grey tabby siblings, sister and brother. Margot saw them, and her smile grew. She tried to get up from her wheelchair, but her leg was extended in its tall cast. Faith reached down and picked up the white girl, who was trying to climb the wheelchair, anyway.

"This is Blanca, Margot." Calling her 'Mom' had only confused her, more often than not. "Would you like to hold her?"

"Please." She took the kitten from Faith's hands and tucked her under her neck. "I love babies. I didn't know you had babies here. Everything's all right, then."

Faith felt something like love, watching her mother cuddle the kitten and laugh when her whiskers tickled her face. She hadn't felt anything like love for her mother in a very long time. It hurt.

Seeing her calm with the kittens made her think that maybe she could be okay with Tucker, too. That was a huge leap, she knew. But Tucker was a sweet, beautiful little boy, who was usually quiet. Maybe Margot would like having him around. Maybe...maybe Michael and Tucker could move in here with them. When Michael got custody, at least.

Leo smiled and winked at Faith and then went behind the wheelchair. "Why don't we go into the kitchen and put some lunch together? Are you hungry?"

"I have a shoot tomorrow. I can't eat. But I'll have some coffee. Is the coffee good here?"

Leo's brow furrowed lightly. She didn't know Margot's past. But Bibi stepped up. "We had to reschedule that until your leg is better, baby. You should eat so you heal up faster."

Margot looked at the cast on her leg like she'd never seen it before. A blank mask of confusion rolled over her face, and then she smiled again, rubbing her face on the kitten. "Oh, yeah. I forgot. That was stupid of me. Okay. Can I have grilled cheese?"

"Absolutely," Leo answered.

"Watch out for the babies!" Margot admonished as Leo pushed her chair through to the kitchen.

Faith watched them go, her head in turmoil. It was always in turmoil these days. Bibi put her arm around her waist and pulled her close. "Maybe she'll come back a little, now that she's home."

"I don't know if I want her to. Isn't that awful? But she's nicer this way."

Bibi sighed. "Oh, baby. I wish I could fix what broke between you two. I guess it's too late now. But she does love you. I know her better than anybody alive. She loves you. But she hates the way she sees her failin's in you."

Faith flinched. "Jesus, Beebs. Ow."

"I said that wrong. She sees that she f.u.c.ked up with you. And she's not the kind of person who can confront her mistakes."

Faith shook her head. A person who couldn't accept their own mistakes was an a.s.shole, plain and simple. "I don't know why you love her so much. I don't know what you see in her. Or what my dad did."

"Blue was no great prize, either. I loved him, but he was a domineerin' son of a b.i.t.c.h. If he'd've been mine, I'd've killed him within a year. Oh, that man could not see any way but his own. Margot used to fight and fight him, but she always gave in. For years, he just rolled right over her. What he wanted, he got. And then she finally figured him out. She figured out how to make him think what she wanted was what he wanted. Once it started to work, it became a habit. I'd say that was when she started bein' not so nice."

Bibi gave her a squeeze. "And he was always sweet to you. Sweeter even than he was with your sister. You had him tied in a bow around your finger, and it hurt your mama to see it, when she had to fight him so hard, all the time."

Pages of the past were flipping in Faith's head, and old hurts, hurts that had been aching ever since the hospital had called her about her mother's accident, began to bleed. "That's what she did to me, isn't it? It wasn't my dad. It was her."

"What good is it pickin' at that old sore? Blue was out of his head. They both were. You know that. Your daddy saw you as his baby. The thought of what Demon...well, that was too much for Blue."

"I mean the rest of it. What happened after."

Bibi stepped away and picked up Margot's suitcase. "You need to stop thinkin' about that, honey. It can't be undone, so let it be. I'm gonna unpack your mama's s.h.i.t. Why don't you see if Leo needs anythin'."

After Bibi left the room, Faith picked up one of the grey tabbies. There was another kitten, solid grey, around somewhere. And Sly, too. He might have been outside, but he'd been staying close since he had a family to see to.

Standing in place, Faith tucked the kitten-she was calling this little boy Petey-under her chin.

She couldn't let it be, because it was a secret between her and Michael, and he had laid himself out to her. Because she was a stupid, jealous c.u.n.t, she'd basically forced him to tell her things that hurt him to think about. And now they hurt her, too. Maybe he'd been right to think that she couldn't understand. But he'd been wrong to worry that it would change her love for him. If anything, knowing what his life was, and knowing him now, his strength and his kindness, his capacity for love, made her love him all the more.

Now she had to tell him the thing she was holding back. She had to. No secrets-that was what he'd said, what he wanted. But Bibi was right. Her secret would hurt him. It might break him.

So she would hold onto it until she figured out a way to tell him without hurting him.

"Wouldn't be much to make this into a shop for you." Michael stood with her in the garage. With the help of Keanu and Peaches, they were working on clearing the mountain of junk out of this three-car s.p.a.ce.

"Studio. I'm an artist. What I need is a studio."

"You want a welding rig in here. That's a shop, babe."

She laughed and punched his arm. "If you can make it work for me, call it what you want."

"No sweat." He hooked a finger through her belt loop and pulled her close. "It's not drywalled, and that's good. The ceiling's already vented. We can put in some fireproof insulation, improve the lighting, bring all your studio s.h.i.t in here. And put in a steel door into the house. Take me a weekend."

"Really?"

"Sure. We can send a couple Prospects to move your s.h.i.t from Venice."

"Stop calling my things s.h.i.t."

He grinned. "I thought I could call it whatever I want." He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. When she moaned in response to the soft but demanding touch of his mouth on hers, curving into his body and wrapping her arms around his neck, he moved his hands to her waist and lifted her up. Then he walked her to the garage wall and leaned her against it, his weight holding her up.

They made out like that for a long time, ignoring the Prospects carrying loads of her mother's junk from the garage to a U-Haul, but when Faith, unable to stop herself, began to grind on his erection, he pulled back with a groan. "f.u.c.k, this is hard."

Arching up to tighten their connection again and feel him hard between her legs, she whispered, "Yeah, it is." Then she smiled and leaned closer to bite his lip.