Upstairs, children's feet thumped the floors. Shouts and sounds of movement drifted down. Molly was fine; so were all the other kids. I didn't remember going there, but somehow I'd landed on my purple living room sofa. As Susan tried to convince her oldest daughter that the crisis was over and she was okay, a chorus of raucous laughter bounced down the stairs, and I huddled under an afghan, sipping Scotch through torn and b.l.o.o.d.y lips.

FORTY-THREE.

BY THE TIME PIZZAS CAME, EVERYONE EXCEPT SUSAN AND EMILY had gone home. I kept telling Susan to leave, but she wouldn't. "I'm not leaving you alone." had gone home. I kept telling Susan to leave, but she wouldn't. "I'm not leaving you alone."

"I'm not alone. Molly's here. Besides, Lisa and Julie saw the news. They must be freaked-"

"They're fine for now. What'll you have, sausage or pepperoni?"

She refused to leave, even though the weather was rapidly worsening. Big snowflakes fell heavily, the beginning of a storm expected to continue all weekend. She and the girls ate pizza, but I had no appet.i.te. The sauce, the sausage-it all looked like pieces of Charlie.

The girls were exhausted and sat, eyes glazed, watching television, but Susan wouldn't leave until Nick arrived. When he did, at around nine-thirty, she still didn't leave. Nick looked worn-out, so Susan fixed him a Scotch, dealing with her stress by becoming hostess, rifling through my cupboards for some hearty late-night snack.

"You okay?" he asked me. His clothes were rumpled and stubble shadowed his face, but his gaze was warm, concerned.

"Are you?" I avoided answering.

"We need to talk." He seemed urgent, hara.s.sed.

"Okay." I couldn't imagine focusing long enough to discuss anything, but we went to the sofa and sank onto velvet cushions.

"I was an a.s.shole-"

"Really, Nick. It doesn't-"

"please just listen, Zoe. I guess I blew it with you, so I'm not surprised you don't want to hear what I have to say. But I'm responsible for what happened tonight, so I-"

"Wait-what? How are you responsible-"

He interrupted. "You told me about this guy, how nuts he was. You gave me the information, and I should have taken care of it. I should have prevented the whole d.a.m.ned thing. It was my responsibility. I screwed up. I let you and those other people down. And I'm sorry." He took my hand. "Man, you're like ice." He moved closer and began warming me, rubbing my hands. "You want a blanket? A sweater?"

I shook my head. I didn't object to the contact, but I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I hadn't yet absorbed the idea that Charlie was the killer. And, if fault for what had happened were to be a.s.signed, I'd get my share. After all, if I'd listened to Charlie that day and not gone out-if I'd only stayed home in my own house with my little girl, everything would have been different. Charlie wouldn't have followed me. Molly would be upstairs, tucked in her bed. No trash bags or keepsakes would have been found in Charlie's bas.e.m.e.nt. And Charlie would still be alive.

"Give me a minute," Nick said. He took off his jacket and hung it on my shoulders. When he went into the kitchen, I wandered over to Molly and Emily. They were sprawled in front of the television.

"You okay, girls?" I joined them on the floor.

Molly looked my way. "Charlie's killed, right, Mom?"

I took her hand. "He's dead, yes."

"Told you," she said to Emily "No, I told you," Emily insisted. "You said he'd get better." "Uh-uh-you said that-"

"Well, he's gone," I said. "He was sick and he couldn't think straight, and he made a bad mistake."

Molly spoke with authority. "He had bad dreams that seemed real, Em. It was like-he couldn't wake up from them. Right, Mom?"

"That's right." Once again, it surprised me how much she understood.

"But if he was sick, why'd the police shoot at him?" Emily asked.

" 'Cause he shot at them." "But why'd he shoot at them?"

Molly rolled her eyes as if the answer were obvious. " 'Cause he didn't know they'd shoot back at him." The explanation baffled me but seemed to satisfy both of them.

"Well, it was very sad. And scary. But it's over and we're all safe." I put an arm around each of them, almost melting from their hugs.

"Mommy?" Molly's voice was urgent. "Do you think my tooth will come out tonight?" She wiggled it for me. It was still tethered securely.

"Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow." I stroked her head.

Emily grinned. "Yes!"

"Yes?" I asked. Clearly, they'd discussed it.

"If it won't come out tonight, then the Tooth Fairy won't have to find me. So maybe-can I sleep over at Emily's? Pleeeeze?"

FORTY-FOUR.

MOLLY SLEPT AT HOME THAT NIGHT. I WOULDN'T LET HER GO WOULDN'T LET HER GO anywhere, even to Susan's. I couldn't. But somehow, by the time Susan and Emily left, I'd agreed that Molly and I would spend the weekend at Nick's place in the country. Nick and Susan seemed convinced that I should get away, have a view of something other than Charlie's empty house. A break from responsibilities. Nick insisted that I was to do nothing, not cook, not clean, not plan, not think. I was to pack a minimum and allow Nick to take care of everything. anywhere, even to Susan's. I couldn't. But somehow, by the time Susan and Emily left, I'd agreed that Molly and I would spend the weekend at Nick's place in the country. Nick and Susan seemed convinced that I should get away, have a view of something other than Charlie's empty house. A break from responsibilities. Nick insisted that I was to do nothing, not cook, not clean, not plan, not think. I was to pack a minimum and allow Nick to take care of everything.

I went along with the scheme, aware of my uncharacteristic pa.s.sivity. I didn't see what difference it made where we were, but I didn't argue. My body was limp and drained. I was weak, nonverbal, slow to react. I found it difficult to form clear thoughts. I couldn't imagine standing up, let alone fixing dinners and breakfasts, doing daily ch.o.r.es for Molly or myself. I'd sunk into a kind of exhaustion I'd never imagined, too tired to swim through it or even to try.

Finally, Susan went home, and Molly was asleep. When I crawled into bed, it felt like almost morning, but the clock said just twelve-thirty. I remember falling onto my soft, cool pillow, the fluffy comforter folding over me, Nick tucking me in. Nick? Why was he still there? And why was I so glad to see him? He talked about his home in the country, about escaping. About fireplaces. About pine trees and fresh air. It seemed natural, as if he belonged.

I remember thinking, falling into sleep, that before I left I'd have to call someone to say where I was going. Michael? No, Michael and I were divorced. Weren't we? Then who? No name, no face came to mind. But it was somebody. There was, had to be, someone I had to call. But, drifting, I couldn't think, couldn't remember who it was.

FORTY-FIVE.

THE FIRE POPPED. I JUMPED JUMPED. NICK GRABBED MY HAND NICK GRABBED MY HAND.

"Sorry." It had sounded like a shot.

"Relax," he said. "Let me fix you a drink."

The day had pa.s.sed in a haze. My headache pills must have relaxed me into unconsciousness. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd simply "gone away" for a while, too numb to partic.i.p.ate.

At any rate, my recollection of getting to Nick's was, at best, hazy. I had little memory of getting into his car or of making what must have been a forty-five-minute drive to his house in Chester County. I wasn't sure if we'd left in the morning or afternoon. Waking, dressing, eating breakfast, getting Molly ready-I'd done it all in a fog. Worst of all was Molly. Shortly after we'd arrived, I'd seen her scamper off to play in the snow, but I couldn't remember her coming back inside. And that troubled me. How could I forget to watch my child? Why didn't I know if she'd made a snowman or worn her mittens or had hot cocoa when she'd come in? Was it possible that I hadn't noticed, hadn't made certain that she'd been safe?

Nick rearranged me on the pillows. What a wimp I was. My arms were leaden. My eyes burned. My head weighed tons. Each thought, each image was heavy and hard to hold on to. I wanted to snap out of it, but whenever I closed my eyes, Charlie's blood splattered the walls, covered my face. His hand held mine, even when his skull shattered, even when his brains flew across the room. His voice implored me to be careful.

No, I told myself. Get rid of Charlie. He was nuts. Don't let his delusions seep deeper. Don't worry about Molly. She's fine. She's resilient and wise. But no matter how I rea.s.sured myself, I felt Charlie squeeze my hand as his head popped open, splashing my face.

The fire popped. No need to jump, nothing to scream about. Nick went to the kitchen, and I heard water running, paper rustling, gla.s.s clattering. Molly's voice asking, "Like this?" Nick's voice m.u.f.fled, offering an answer. Then giggling. Molly was helping him cook again, I guessed. They were fine. I lay back and watched the fire wrap itself around the logs. Fingers of flame held the wood, reaching into cracks, sucking out everything but ash. There was no escape; the fire consumed until there was nothing left.

Nick offered me a gla.s.s mug of something hot and steamy. The liquid matched the fire, glowed with golden light. My arms wouldn't move to take it. What the h.e.l.l was wrong with me? Nick held the mug to my lips and told me to take a sip. I smelled cloves and looked up at him, grateful to be taken care of. Charlie whispered, "Don't trust anybody," and reptilian eyes squinted at me, sharp as knives. I blinked, and Nick's blue eyes blinked back, taking me in.

"Mommy, we made hot cider." Molly cuddled beside me, careful not to spill her drink.

"Have some," Nick urged. "It'll soothe you."

Lifting a leaden hand to take the drink, I put Charlie's warnings aside. Nick was a cop, a detective. He had flaws, but he was decent and generous, trying to make up for what had happened. Taking us into his home. Charlie's paranoid suggestions and the trauma of his death had warped my thinking. If I weren't careful, even in death Charlie might take over my thoughts and distort my judgment.

Spicy, steamy liquid glowed, tickling my lips. I sipped, tasted tart apples, cloves, cinnamon, and a shot of rum.

"Do you like it, Mom?" Molly sipped hers. "I love it. But yours is spiked."

Nick laughed with half his mouth. "Molly learned a new word." "It's delicious," I said.

"The cider's authentic. From local apples. There's an orchard out back."

I drank, felt the rum relax me. "What's an orchard?"

Nick explained, inviting Molly back to pick apples in the summer when they were ripe. Their chatter tickled my ears, and I leaned back against down-stuffed pillows. The fire toasted my skin. In a while, Molly leaned against me and I wrapped her in my arms. Safe, together, we stared at the crackling fire as the flames blurred through my tears.

"What's wrong, Mommy?" Molly reached up and wiped my cheek, a reversal of roles.

"I'm fine, Mollybear," I said. "Sometimes you just have to cry a little, right?"

"I bet you're crying about Charlie. He made me cry, too. I was scared."

"You were?" Why hadn't I known that? Why hadn't I been there to comfort her? "I'm sorry. I didn't know you cried. Where was I?"

"In the locker room with Nick, getting calmed down. It's okay. I was with Susan."

Nick moved closer, stroked my hair. "You're recovering from shock, Zoe. Give yourself time. You'll be fine. We all will be."

He sounded so sure. Mesmerized by the flames, tired from playing in fresh snow, Molly dozed off with her head on my shoulder. Beside the crackling, popping fire, Nick sat with me, sipping cider, and I drifted, wondering, as if from a distance, what we were doing there. And why we'd ever want to leave.

FORTY-SIX.

NICK DOZED. MOLLY ROLLED OFF ME ONTO A CUSHION. I reached for my mug and sat up, swallowing lukewarm cider, finally alert enough to get my bearings.

The house was a simple A-frame with a cedar ceiling. The kitchen was at the rear of the main room; a bathroom and two guest rooms were off to the left. The master bedroom was a loft s.p.a.ce above the guest rooms, overlooking the main room. The furniture was spa.r.s.e and practical. An oak dining table, a cushy sofa. A large fireplace was surrounded with rugs and pillows. Late afternoon light poured in through large windows and snow-covered skylights.

I liked Nick's house. It was simple, uncluttered. Open.

Odd, I thought. One's home was supposed to reflect one's personality. Incongruous that a man who didn't value truth or honesty would create such an open s.p.a.ce in his home. Stop it, I told myself. Let go of the past. Besides, the truth issue was irrelevant. Nick wasn't trying to restart a romance. Hadn't Beverly Gardener made it clear that he wasn't available?

Still, as I watched him nap, the relaxed line of his jaw, the slow and easy rise and fall of his chest, I wanted to curl up beside him and wrap myself in his arms. What would he think of that? How would he respond? Would he hold me there? Would he want me to stay?

Well, I wasn't going to find out. I wouldn't risk it. I was vulnerable and needy; that was why I was drawn to Nick. Besides, I didn't know what was going on with him. In the duration of a gunshot, Nick had gone from barely speaking to me to carrying me off to his cabin in Chester County. So far, he'd given no indication that he was interested in renewing a personal relationship. He'd made no innuendos, no pa.s.ses, no references to either our disastrous one-night stand or the future. Maybe the truth was just what he'd said, that he wanted to give Molly and me a weekend of relaxation in the country. I'd accept it as that and keep my thoughts out of his arms and away from his body. Still, I remembered lying against him, fitting snugly, feeling safe, and the memory made me ache.

Nick's snores harmonized with Molly's. Ba.s.s and soprano, in stereo with complementary rhythm. I listened, watching them sleep until my eyes burned, letting go of memories and possibilities. Then, lulled by their snores and the flicker of hungry flames, I sank back into a warm, rum-coated sleep.

FORTY-SEVEN.

I AWOKE IN SHADOWS, NOT RECOGNIZING WHERE AWOKE IN SHADOWS, NOT RECOGNIZING WHERE I I WAS WAS. THE air was cold, smelled foreign. Like ashes. And cedar. And pine. I tried to sit up; my head felt like a sack of sand. Dim light seeped through the window blinds. Dusk. A dying fire. I blinked, orienting myself. "Molly? Nick?" air was cold, smelled foreign. Like ashes. And cedar. And pine. I tried to sit up; my head felt like a sack of sand. Dim light seeped through the window blinds. Dusk. A dying fire. I blinked, orienting myself. "Molly? Nick?"

No answer. I got up, searching. "Nick? Molly?"

My voice hung forlornly, drifting through the empty room. I went to the window. Tall pines ringed the farmhouse like frozen sentries, rigid at attention. But no Nick. No Molly. I crossed, weightless, to the kitchen.

Yes, there they were, out back. Trekking through the glowing snow toward a woodpile. Behind them, through the open doors of a shed, I saw a pair of yellow snowmobiles, ski equipment, snowshoes hanging on the walls. A snowplow hunkered beside the shed like an oversized dog. Nick's toys.

I wandered into the bathroom and splashed my face with water, waking up. The mirror shocked me. Dark semicircles underlined my eyes. My skin was pasty, my lips chapped and rough. I looked hollow, but I felt better, more alert. Slapping some color into my cheeks, smoothing my hair back, I went for my jacket and joined them outside.

"Mommy's up!" Molly squealed. "We're getting firewood."

Cheeks glowing, she climbed through thigh-high snow, hand in hand with Nick.

"Feeling better?" Nick half-smiled, welcoming me, and we walked the snowy countryside around his house. The cold, fresh air revitalized me, and when Nick stopped to tighten a bootlace, I couldn't help it. I creamed him with a s...o...b..ll. Right between the eyes. A battle ensued, a flurry of dusty white ammunition, flying arms and legs, and laughter. Molly ambushed us both by pretending to be hurt, then blasting us with two fierce chunks of snow when we came to her aid. We all froze our fingers, noses, and toes. We tumbled. We played. The horrors of the day before-of the past month-got lost in a frosty flurry. For the first time in years, I felt mischievous, silly, goofy. As the sun set, I rolled with Molly down hills of frozen white down, hung upside down over Nick's shoulder, landed in pillows of soft snow. By the time it got dark and we came inside, a lost part of my life had been restored. partly because of Molly. Mostly because of Nick.

FORTY-EIGHT.