"Would you like some drinks?" he asked.

"Yes," they said.

The waiter took their orders, and they started again.

"Jo," said Shaun.

Jo took a deep breath.

"Yes," she answered with a bright smile.

"I'm not going to propose again."

She let out a heavy sigh of relief.

"After this one last time," he finished.

She stopped breathing altogether.

"I don't understand what's happening in your world," he said, gesturing vaguely near her head. "I don't know how you're feeling, I don't know why you went to London, I don't even know what you think of me anymore."

"I-"

"Let me finish, please, Jo."

"Sorry."

"All I know is that I can't go on like this any longer."

"G.o.d, I'm sorry-"

"Please, let me finish."

"Sorry."

"It's really very simple, Jo."

She blinked and waited.

"You either want to be with me or you don't."

She blinked again.

"You either want to marry me or you don't."

She nodded.

"You just have to tell me so I can get on with my life."

She blinked and nodded.

"So," he said. "You have to decide."

She stared at him.

"What's it to be, Jo?"

The waiter appeared. "Are you ready to order?"

"Yes," said Shaun.

"No," said Jo.

"I'll come back when you're both ready," said the waiter.

Jo looked at Shaun.

"I love you Shaun," she whispered.

She saw him take a deep breath.

"But I can't marry you."

She watched him let out a heavy sigh.

As they sat there, she realized Shaun was right. It had been very simple after all. Now all she had to do was work out who was going to help her make big decisions like that in future.

After the last meal Jo and Shaun were to have together, it occurred to Jo that she had never loved him more than she did then. When he asked for the bill, she loved him for his quiet ability to take control; when he helped her into her coat, she loved him for his little gentlemanly acts. When he drove her home, she loved him for his kindness. When he kissed her gently on her lips for the last time, she loved him for having shared an intimate world with her. Sitting in the pa.s.senger seat of his car, she began to ache with loneliness.

"Bye, Shaun," she said, sniffing.

"Bye, Jo. Always remember that I love you."

She got out of the car and walked to her parents' house.

She shut the front door and leaned against it. She could see a crack of light from upstairs, which meant that her parents were still awake. She knew they hadn't expected her to come home that night and yet at the same time, they had. She climbed the stairs. When she reached the top, she heard her father call out from their bedroom. She tapped on their door.

"Come in," he called.

Her parents were sitting up in bed together, a sight that made her feel envious and comforted at the same time.

"Your mother wants to know if you had a good evening," said her father. "I told her to mind her own business, but..."

Jo sighed and nodded, the tears speaking for themselves.

"I'll be fine," she said eventually. "Night."

"Your mother says to tell you we're here if you need us," her father said gruffly.

"Thanks, Dad."

Her mother made a gesture with her right hand. Jo waited.

"No...matter...what," whispered Hilda.

Jo smiled at them both and blew them both a kiss. She shut their bedroom door behind her and went to bed.

Chapter 20.

Monday morning came bright and breezy. Hilda had come downstairs for the first time since her stroke. Jo had been home for two whole weeks and it felt like she'd never been away; the sun was out, and it looked like summer was coming early. Which, of course, meant it would rain the next day.

Jo had phoned Vanessa the night before to explain that she couldn't come back yet, but would as soon as her mother was able to walk upstairs unaided. She'd begged Vanessa to keep her job open for her and told her how much she missed them all, and had felt hugely relieved when Vanessa had sounded emphatic about wanting her to come back whenever she was ready. She'd even alluded to giving Jo a raise. But Jo had felt as if she was phoning another world. She wondered who else in the family was in the room while Vanessa spoke to her and felt a yearning to be there.

Without a downstairs toilet in their house, Hilda either had to stay upstairs twenty-four hours a day or start using a commode. She had gone for the latter option and Jo had offered to be her commode emptier-"just like in the olden days," she'd winked at her mum-when Bill had proved too squeamish. Jo was happy to do it as long as he kept up the cooking regime. She was convinced her mum would improve fast-she could sense her fingers itching to get back to feeding her father, especially after a night when he'd made himself steak and chips.

While Bill settled Hilda into his armchair, Jo put the kettle and her mobile on for the first time that day. While she was pouring hot water into the pot for her parents and the new cafetiere she'd bought for herself, her mobile rang.

At first she didn't recognize Pippa's voice, but once she did, she was delighted to feel a surge of warmth toward her new friend. After a whole fortnight away from London, Jo was relying on her gut instinct to see if her life there had been genuinely good or had been her putting on a brave face. She had wanted to phone Pippa often, but had felt too guilty about phoning her before speaking to Sheila. She could have hugged Pippa.

"Hi, stranger!" cried Pippa.

"Hi!" Jo almost laughed the word out. "How are you?"

"I'm fine! I'm having s.e.x! With a policeman!"

"Which one?"

"Nick, of course! I've been Nicked!'

"So you're going out with him now?"

"Um," said Pippa. "Actually I'm staying in with him, more than going out with him. If you get my drift."

"I'm so pleased for you, Pip."

"Well, it was all due to you."

"Don't be daft. I only introduced you. The rest was all your own work."

"I know. And I owe you big-time. We really miss you!" said Pippa. "When are you coming back?"

"Oh G.o.d, I miss you, too!" replied Jo. And then, inexplicably, her happiness tipped over straight into misery. Like a baby trying to hide the fact that she's ready for bed, Jo suddenly found herself crying. She decided it would be a fine time to tell Pippa about Shaun and her.

"What shall I tell Nick?" asked Pippa, after making all the right noises, then leaving a long enough pause.

"Why?" Jo sniffed.

"Because, honey, Gerry's still after you," explained Pippa. "And he's a cop who's used to getting what he wants."

"G.o.d," sniffed Jo. "How terrifying."

"I'm just letting you know the way the land lies in Boy World."

"Does it make any difference what I want?"

"Apparently you don't know what you want."

Jo sucked in some air. "That's outrageous!"

"They had a bet on you and Shaun finishing before summer, and Gerry getting in there before autumn."

"Oh G.o.d." Jo closed her eyes. "You've put me right off my breakfast."

"I told Nick you weren't interested," continued Pippa, "but he said you may have been playing hard to get and not telling me the truth."

"I wasn't interested," said Jo slowly and clearly, "I wasn't playing hard to get, and I was telling the truth."

"That's what I said. I told him girls don't think like boys."

"Thank G.o.d."

"He said everyone thinks like boys, girls just hide it better."

Jo made a face into the phone. "You have a very special man there, Phillipa."

"I know," said Pippa. "And he's good in bed."

"He'd better be."

"I'll tell him to tell Gerry you're not interested."

"Whatever."

"So," said Pippa, "how did you leave things with Josh?"

"Oh G.o.d," said Jo. "Have you got an hour?"

"That bad eh? You two looked pretty cosy at the cinema."

"I know. He went all nice on me again. And he was so wonderful when I got the call from my dad. He spent all Sunday helping me pack, helped me work out how I should tell Vanessa, he even stayed with me till I fell asleep the night I heard. I woke up the next morning, and he'd fallen asleep next to me."