"Your smile is the same," said Father gently. "I carried it with me in my heart the whole time."

Yet this same sentimental man forced us to witness the execution of his other daughter, Berenice. How can we be so many different people, all contained within the same body?

I tried to excuse myself, on the grounds that it was an intrusion; a person should be able to die privately. But Father insisted.

"Just as her treason was public," he said, "so too must her punishment be."

And he insisted that the Romans be present, too. The Romans, who had restored him to power--for a price. Now they must see what their money had bought.

We had to take our places before a barracks that housed the Household Guards; seats of honor had been hastily erected. Before leaving for the grounds, Father had presented the Roman officers to me. Aulus Gabinius was a square, stocky man, a no-nonsense sort, as one would expect of someone who defied a prophecy. And his star cavalry officer, Marcus Antonius... I found him a winsome young man, one whose smile was genuine.

And, to be honest, that is all I remember of him from that first meeting.

Berenice was led out before the barracks, her hands bound behind her back. She was not blindfolded, but forced to look at us all, her ghoulish audience.

"You have been found guilty of treason, of usurping the throne in the absence of your rightful King," intoned Pothinus, one of the King's ministers, a young eunuch. His voice had the timbre of a child's but the carrying power of an adult's. "For this you must pay the penalty, and die."

"Have you any words?" asked the King. It was a formality only. Did he truly wish to hear any?

"Slave of the Romans!" she cried. "There they sit!" She jerked her head toward Gabinius and Antonius and Rabirius, the moneylender who had financed the campaign. "There they sit, never to be dislodged from Egypt! Who, then, is the traitor to this country, Father?"

"Enough!" said Pothinus. "This will be your last breath!" He motioned to the soldier who was to strangle her. The man stepped up behind her. His forearms were the size of most mens thighs.

Berenice was standing rigid, waiting. She closed her eyes as he brought his hands around her throat, then clasped them with a jerk. For what seemed a very long time she was obviously holding her breath, but then suddenly her body rebelled and she began twisting, trying to loosen his grip. Her hands were helplessly tied behind her, and there was little she could do. The soldier finally lifted her up by her neck and held her there as the life was snuffed out in her and her body at last stopped twitching. Her feet hung down straight from the ankles; one of her sandals fell off, making a loud plop in the still air. I saw that her face had turned a hideous dark color, and I looked away. Then I heard a noise of tramping feet, and saw her being loaded onto a litter and carried away. One of her feet--the one without a sandal--dragged along the ground; if she had been living it would have distressed her. But now she did not mind.

Father's face had lost its color, although he did not betray any open emotion. Next to him Gabinius had winced, and Antonius had looked away. Soldiers preferred battlefield killing to this formal, ritualized death. On either side of me sat my remaining siblings, taking in this cautionary lesson. Arsinoe had given a sharp gasp when the executioner stepped forward. The two boys--six and four--squirmed in unison. Even they understood that this was not a game, that Berenice would not jump up off the litter. We all saw, and learned, different things that day.

As I watched the hideous ritual, I knew that she had bequeathed something to me, something she had not exactly intended. From her I knew now that a woman could rule alone--a strong woman, that is. The earlier Ptolemaic queens had come to power through their marriages, but Berenice had proved that a woman could seize her own power, and only afterward choose the man. Or choose no man at all, should she prefer that.

Then, I was acutely aware that Roman troops had brought about this restoration, and that Roman troops were for hire for the promise of Ptolemaic money. Their forces, our money: a formidable combination. And last, in spite of the hatred of the Romans as a political fact, individual Romans were not demons. In fact, they could be quite attractive. Gabinius and this Antonius were personable, pleasant, and well mannered. All the pat jokes about Romans being barbarians--I remembered what I had believed about them before the Pompey dinner--were simply not true.

And there was something else, something I had glimpsed in all this: The Romans were divided among themselves. One group was against restoring Father, another for it. One set of rules forbade it, but a clever rewording got around that. Everything in Rome was not set in stone, and perhaps one side could be used to counteract another... . .

These were ideas, formless at the time, but just beginning to reveal themselves to me. The Romans were not merely a force against which we were helpless, but were torn by factions and rivalries of their own, which could be turned to our advantage. I saw that our adversary had holes in his armor. Father had successfully exploited one--with Egyptian money. One must always have money.

Father made it clear that the Romans were welcome to stay in Alexandria-- for a short time. Then they should discreetly remove themselves. But first there was to be a Dionysian festival to celebrate the King's restoration to the throne. He saw himself as the descendant of that mysterious G.o.d of wine, of joy and drama and life itself. In the great festivals of Bacchus--the G.o.d's Roman name--he sought release and ecstasy and belonging: all the things he could not find in Alexandria in the broad daylight, dazzling though it is in that city of cities.

In readying myself for the formal procession through the streets, I was acutely aware that I would be the object of intense curiosity. I, hitherto the third child and practically unnoticed, was now the heir. Everyone would want to a.s.sess me; all eyes would be upon me. I went through anguish in choosing my costume, having my hair dressed. And when it was finished, I knew I would look in the mirror and have the answer that had been so long in coming. Was I beautiful? Pleasing? Special? Would a timely jar of beauty from Persephone open itself for me?

I settled on a hairstyle that hung down around my shoulders. I was still young enough to wear a girl's hairdo, and I knew that my hair was pretty-- no sense in hiding it before its time. It was almost black, thick and shiny, with a slight curl to it. And I chose for my dress a thin white linen, knowing that nothing becomes black hair like a white dress. I wanted to wear the tight style of older Egypt, since my shape was slim, but Grecian style fitted the occasion better, with all its floating folds.

At least I no longer had to bind my b.r.e.a.s.t.s; the death of Berenice had ended that. I could let my body speak for itself. And my b.r.e.a.s.t.s--even in my critical eyes, I could find no fault in them.

As I finished dressing, I saw Arsinoe reflected in the mirror behind me-- Arsinoe, who had all the conventional beauty I longed for.

I moved the mirror so her image vanished. And then I studied myself, tried to imagine a stranger seeing me. And I was not displeased.

If I saw her, I thought, I would want to know her better.

I shrugged, and put the mirror down, as I bent to select the appropriate jewelry. Perhaps that was the best verdict anyone could reasonably hope for: If I saw her, I would want to know her better. If I saw her, I would want to know her better.

Now, as we rode at a stately ceremonial pace through Alexandria, I watched the crowd lining both sides of the wide streets. The procession had begun at the palace, then wound its way past Alexander's tomb, past the long, colonnaded Gymnasion, past the Library, the Temple of Serapis, the artificial hill of the park of Pan, the theater--all the monuments of our great city. The vast, excitable crowd today was cheering, climbing on roofs to see us, shinnying up columns, straddling statues. Since we were following in the wake of Dionysus and his wineskins, by the time we came upon them, the people were flushed and merry and forgiving. These were the very same people who had rioted when a Roman soldier accidentally killed a sacred cat-- unstable, violent. Today they were our devoted partisans. Tomorrow?

Far behind us, to signify the end of the procession, walked a man costumed as Hesperus, the evening star.

At length we reached our destination: the Stadium, transformed into a pavilion where the festivities would take place. The normal open-air field had been roofed over with a lattice of ivy-and grape-entwined beams, supported by columns shaped like Dionysus's sacred wand. The brilliant afternoon sunlight filtered through the green leaves as we entered the cave of the G.o.d, to the rites of drunkenness and ecstasy.

Or, rather, my father entered it. As a devotee of the G.o.d, he took it upon himself to seek union with Dionysus by way of wine. While the rest of us sampled the new vintage from the vineyards of the Canopic branch of the Nile, Egypt's finest, Father gulped it. Then, as the dancing began--for actors and musicians were sacred to the G.o.d, and inspired by him--Father seemed to go into a trance. He had put on the sacred ivy wreath, and now pulled out his flute and started playing melodies.

"Dance! Dance!" he ordered everyone around him. The Egyptians obeyed, but the Romans looked on, appalled.

"I said dance!" the King demanded. He waved his pipes toward one of the visiting Romans, an army engineer.

"You! There! Demetrius! Dance!"

Demetrius looked as though he had been ordered to jump into a malarial swamp. "I do not dance," he said, and turned his back and walked away.

"Come back here!" The King attempted to catch the fold of his tunic, but tripped instead, and his ivy wreath slipped over one eye. " "Oh!"

A group of Gabinius's soldiers was snickering. I felt deep shame for my father. I knew he was merely engaging in the time-honored behavior of the Baccha.n.a.lia, but those rites had been banned in dignity-conscious Rome. To the Romans, this was just a comic, drunken spectacle.

"So that's why he's nicknamed Auletes--the flute-player," said a voice nearby. I saw it belonged to Marcus Antonius--or Marc Antony, as he was commonly called.

"Yes, but the people of Alexandria gave him the name in affection," I said stiffly. "They understand about the rites of Dionysus." understand about the rites of Dionysus."

"So I see." He gestured around at the crowd.

Here was another prissy, judgmental Roman--so proper, while imposing themselves on the rest of the world! I glared at him, until I saw that he himself was drinking from a silver goblet. "At least you don't consider your lips too good to touch Egyptian wine," I said. As I spoke, he held out his goblet for a costumed server to refill it.

"Quite pa.s.sably good," he said, sipping it. "I've a great fondness for wine; I make it my business to test the vintage wherever I go. I've had Chian wine, Rhaetic, the undrinkable Coan and Rhodian, and the incomparable Pramnian." He sounded like a father naming his children.

"Is the Pramnian really all it is said to be?" I asked, as he seemed so happy to be talking about it.

"Indeed. It is honey-sweet; they don't squeeze it from the grapes of Lesbos, they let it ooze out of its own accord."

He really was quite relaxed and unpretentious; I found myself liking this Roman. He was handsome, too, in a bullish sort of way: thick neck, wide face, and a frame bulging with muscles.

"Yes, I understand Dionysus," he said, more to himself than to me. "I also like actors. In Rome I prefer them to the senators!"

He broke off as the King came reeling through the crowd, chased by women dressed as Maenads, pursuing the G.o.d, shouting and laughing.

"Dancing is considered immoral in Rome," he said. "That is why Demetrius refused to dance. Please inform the King of that, when he's--not the G.o.d any longer, but returns to himself."

How diplomatic of him to avoid saying when he's sober again. when he's sober again. I did like this young Roman, who seemed so very un-Roman. I did like this young Roman, who seemed so very un-Roman.

But he did not stay in Alexandria long; within a month he and Gabinius had departed, although the three legions were left behind to keep order. The one Roman who should have gone with them stayed--Rabirius, the infamous financier. He was determined to recoup his loan directly from the Egyptians, and forced the King to appoint him finance minister. Then he proceeded to extort huge sums from the populace. The Alexandrians, always with a mind of their own and virtually never subservient, drove him away. Father was lucky that they did not sweep him off the throne again in the process.

In Rome, both Gabinius and Rabirius had to stand trial before the Senate: Gabinius for disregarding the sacred Sibylline oracle and the decree of the Senate, and Rabirius for serving in an administrative post under a foreign king. Gabinius was forced to go into exile, but the crafty Rabirius got off.

Without his commanding officer, the young Marc Antony transferred his allegiance and services to a new general: Julius Caesar.

Chapter 8.

My life now took another of its abrupt turns; from acting younger than I was, and keeping myself hidden, I must now do the opposite. I must take my place alongside Father at all his official appearances--especially as he no longer had a Queen to stand beside him--and look worthy to step into his shoes. My tutors were rea.s.signed to the younger children, and I was given real scholars from the Museion, as well as retired amba.s.sadors to teach me the intricacies of diplomacy. In addition, I was expected to be present at all Father's council meetings.

In some ways I missed my earlier freedom and unimportance; it seems that even unpleasant states have a way of recommending themselves to you after they are over. My days of running about with the Society of Imhotep had ended; and even Mardian and Olympos seemed distant, as if they were unsure how to treat me now. Never had I felt more alone--solitary and elevated.

Yet would I have wished to be other than I was? No.

Learning how to govern, day by day, was a painstaking process. To have command of all the workings of the country, a king had to master a mult.i.tude of details. These were covered, tediously, in council meetings. While Father sat at the head of them, I took a place to one side and listened. To have the ca.n.a.ls dredged ... to collect the import taxes more efficiently ... to ration grain in a poor harvest year . . . yes, the ruler must know, and have wisdom on, these things. He who did not would be at the mercy of his ministers.

And the choosing of ministers--that was an art in itself. You wanted the most talented, the most dedicated, as nothing less was worthy of the country. Yet the more talented, the more dedicated, a man was--the more his loyalty might waver. Seeing all your shortcomings, he might be tempted to turn against you.

But to have fools for ministers was also a recipe for disaster. There were so many pitfalls a ruler could fall into.

During the first year after Father's return, the infamous Rabirius and his debt dominated the council meetings. Father's total debt to Rome was now sixteen thousand talents; Gabinius had demanded ten thousand on top of the six that had already been agreed on. Egypt was reeling under it. Small wonder that certain elements later rebelled.

But at this time, the problem was being tackled straightforwardly.

People were in a benign, welcoming mood, glad that their King had returned. But when they were presented with the bill for restoring him, the murmurs would begin. And maybe grow into a full-fledged revolt.

Father tried to get Rabirius to forgive some of the debt. Other advisors suggested that we increase import taxes to cover it. Still others said we should ask for an extension.

I could not help but think that countries were only groups of people, and that the answer lay in remembering how individuals thought. People are more generous after they have been granted a favor; then they are more likely to grant one in return.

"It seems to me that the people should pay the debt, and it should be paid on time. Otherwise the interest on it will just increase," I said, speaking up from the side of the gathering. "But it might be wise to announce a general amnesty before you announce the debt collection. Forgive bad debts and minor crimes and thereby appear magnanimous."

One of the advisors opened his mouth to disagree, but Father looked impressed. "A good idea," he finally said.

"It would create widespread goodwill," I said.

"Yes, at a loss of our income!" protested one of the financial councillors.

"It is a small loss, to offset such a large collection. There is little likelihood of our collecting those old debts in any case," I said. It seemed so obvious.

"I shall think on it," said Father. And he ended up following my suggestion. I was most pleased.

Father was safe now; his throne was steady, supported by the might of Rome and the borrowed Gabinius legions. He was almost fifty, and purposed to enjoy his reign in peace--or, rather, in ease and comfort. He had his Dionysian revels, of course, his banquets and his poetry readings late at night to occupy him. And once he took us all hunting in the western desert, to emulate both the Pharaohs and the earlier Ptolemies.

He had seen so many pictures of Pharaohs killing lions that he was minded, to seek one; he had had so many depictions made of himself smiting enemies on the walls of the temples that he had come to believe it had truly happened. And so we set out in order for the King to slay a lion--two hundred beaters, slaves, kennelmasters, provisioned (for what was the King to eat while waiting to bag his game?). We rode camels--the best beasts for the desert, despite the pictures of kings shooting from chariots. The lions had been driven farther and farther back into the desert wilderness, and we must seek them there.

For a piece we kept along the seash.o.r.e, but after a bit we turned inland along a ridge where the hunters a.s.sured us that lions lurked.

I was swaying along on top of the camel, enjoying the rocking motion, my head protected against the piercing sun by an elaborate headdress. I did not care whether we found a lion or not, but I loved seeing this dangerous and empty land. The terrain stretched out supine in all directions, colored every shade of gold and brown. The wind, still fresh from the sea, came whipping around us, sometimes murmuring, sometimes sighing, sometimes whining.

At night we slept in luxurious tents. The fabric was embroidered with tiny, painstakingly sewn designs, and over our beds were unfurled curtains of lightest silk to keep out any grains of sand or insects. Lanterns flickered on little ivory-inlaid folding tables, and our attendants slept on pallets at our feet. The largest royal tent, where the King was, was large enough that he could gather all his remaining children around him after the evening meal.

As the wind whistled around the tent ropes, we would sit with him, lounging on cushions at his feet. Sometimes we would play a board game, such as draughts or senet. Arsinoe would play the lyre--she was quite talented at it--and the two boys would sometimes be playing a board game of their own. I can see us in my mind right at this moment; I can even smell the light, dry scent of the desert air. Four little Ptolemies, each ambitious, each determined to rule when the benevolent King pa.s.sed on--the King who would soon begin nodding in his cups.

I watched Arsinoe carefully. By this time she was thirteen to my sixteen, and every year she grew more beautiful. Her alabaster-pale skin had a pearly glow to it, her features were almost perfect, and her eyes were the color of the sea at Alexandria. Her temper was not good, she was demanding and emotional, but beauty has a way of softening all hearts.

My oldest brother Ptolemy, almost eight now and presumably my future husband--what of him? I wished I could like him, I thought, as I watched his dark head bent over his game of dice, but he was a nasty little character, devious and selfish--the sort who moved the mark in games and lied about it when confronted. He was probably using crooked dice even now. He was a coward as well. I had watched him running from the most harmless dogs, and even from cats.

Little Ptolemy should have been born first, so I would have been matched with him instead. The child seemed to have a double portion of the things his brother was lacking: he was forthright, cheerful, and high-spirited. As a couple, I realized, he and Arsinoe would be more appealing than the elder Ptolemy and I.

Isn't that appalling? To be lying at our father's feet, a supposedly happy family relaxing, and to be thinking those thoughts? But that is what it is to be a Ptolemy: all our family affections are subordinated to our own ambitions, which are never at rest. The only thing that distinguishes any of us is whether we will draw the line at nothing to achieve our goals, or whether some acts remain forbidden.

On this particular night, Arsinoe was lounging back against the cushions, plucking at her lyre and murmuring some words. Her voice was not particularly pleasing, I was glad to note. The lanterns were winking, and Father was lifting another cup of wine to his lips, a dreamy expression on his face.

"Give me some," I suddenly said. "Anything that brings such an otherworldly contentment to your face must have been sent from the G.o.ds."

When the servant poured me some and I tasted it, it was truly sublime-- heavy, sweet, and golden.

"From Cyprus," said the King. "They have long been famous for their wines, which keep a long time and don't turn bitter." A dark look came over his face. "Cyprus. Our lost Cyprus!" He reached for his pipes. He was about to start playing, and then weep.

"Tell me more about Cyprus!" I said. I didn't want to sit through one of his musical performances, followed by a bout of self-pity. I think that was what I liked least about him--the maudlin indulgences, not the wine itself. "What happened with you and Cato there?" On his way to Rome, Father had stopped at Cyprus, where Cato sat, inventorying the last Ptolemy's possessions.

"Cato! What do they call him in Rome? The austere, hard-drinking Cato.' How can they go together?" He laughed, a tinkling, drunken laugh. "The Romans took Cyprus from my brother! Just annexed it, and my poor brother had to drink poison." Tears welled up in his eyes.

"But Cato? What did he have to do with it?"

"They sent Cato out to help himself to the treasury there, and to complete the annexation, make it part of the province of Cilicia." He sniffed. "When I arrived, Cato--Cato--! He received me while--while--sitting on a privy!"

I gasped. I knew Father had been insulted, but not to this extent. So we had truly fallen this low? A Roman official received a Ptolemaic king while seated on a privy? I burned with shame, and anger. Did everyone know about this? Had Gabinius and Antony?

"It smelled bad," added the King. "Very bad. So I suppose what he said was true--his bowels were upset, and he dared not move."

"Curse his bowels!" said Arsinoe suddenly. She had not even seemed to be listening.

"I think, from what Father says, they were were cursed," I said. "I hope they continue to be so." cursed," I said. "I hope they continue to be so."

"He has enemies," said Father. "He is very conservative; he tries to make a case for himself as a n.o.ble of the old Roman type, but his day, and the day of others like him, is pa.s.sing. Caesar will sweep him from the board, as I sweep these draughts." He gave an unsteady swat that knocked a few pieces to the ground.

"The same Julius Caesar who took over Rabirius's debt?" I asked. "When will he come to Egypt to collect it?"

"Never," said Father, "if we are lucky. He is busy conquering Gaul; they say he's the greatest general since Alexander. Of course our patron, Pompey, doesn't think so. Their rivalry grows every day. No, child, only if Pompey is put down by Caesar will Caesar ever come here. And if Pompey is vanquished, the fortunes of Egypt will vanish with him. So pray Caesar never comes here!" He hiccuped gently.

"Caesar must be surrounded by enemies," said Arsinoe. "Cato on the one hand, Pompey on the other."

"He is," said Father. "But he seems to be made of iron; nothing bothers him. He trusts completely to his luck, to his destiny. At the same time, he seems to tempt it." He began laughing--cackling, almost. "He has made Cato's sister his mistress!"