Spruce While waiting for him to come, permit my love to entertain you. Let me sacrifice my heart at the altar of your matchless charms.

Jenny Take your sacrifices elsewhere, and never trouble yourself to speak to me again! Your master has treated me with disrespect, and I am going to be avenged on you for it. To call me a creature!

Spruce But, is that my fault?

Jenny (implacably) You are his valet!

Spruce Ha, don't pay attention to him. Sometimes, he's like that. Hard and brutal as a dog.

Jenny My ears are still ringing from his villainous words, and, my lady is so scandalized that she is breaking with him, forever, even though it breaks her poor heart. I am sent to collect her portrait and all her letters.

Spruce It's useless to keep the letters, but as to the portrait--the frame is made of gold and studded with diamonds. It's my considered opinion, that he should not part with the portrait,--it's too precious to give back--from sentiment, of course. The two are not the same. We can p.a.w.n it, if the need for money drives us to extremities, my child.

Jenny Why make such a big fuss over a portrait.

Spruce Because, we were in big trouble not long ago. Once burned, twice shy.

Fortunately, an uncle--a very honest man, has helped us out, by voluntarily descending to the underworld quicker than we could say his name. He has saved us in a very timely fashion, by making us heirs to sixty thousand pounds.

Jenny Ah, Heavens, so that's it!

Spruce I tell you the truth.

Jenny So--in such a short time, you've become rich.

Spruce Right! We've received the sad, but happy, news of his death and the princely bequest, and have got our money in less time than it takes to tell you of it. My master is devilishly close to success.

Jenny Oh, I don't doubt it.

Spruce Judge for yourself. You see, he would have done a very foolish thing to remain faithful to your lady under the circ.u.mstances. One must trim one's sail to the wind.

Jenny The world is full of lovers like that.

Spruce Following his example, I am quitting the shop girls and the scullery maids. My love wishes to rise to hearts of a higher rank. I will take proud flight and rise to the peaks. The money will pa.s.s through my trusty hands, and, fortunately, they're sticky. I believe I will throw myself into business.

Jenny You are going into business? You!

Spruce Before two years have pa.s.sed, watch me go by in a magnificent chaise-- on my way to the country. I'll be burning the paving stones with the gallop of six Spanish horses. A French barber, numerous valets, countless attendants, cooks--and pretty chambermaids will fill my palace. My buffet will be of gold and porcelain. The wine will flow like water in the Thames. My table will be open, my days, libertine.

When I wish to give a secret little supper, I will have a cozy retreat prepared, where I will feast the fair ladies. One day, this one; the next, that one. And I promise you, when your turn comes, and even before that, to treat you to a feast.

Jenny (sarcastically) I am overwhelmed!

Spruce For you, my tenderness knows no bounds. But, look who's coming. It's McNaughten himself. At your command, sir. You see me prepared to do my duty.

(Enter McNaughten)

McNaughten You've waited for me in this place for some time. Meanwhile, I've found a paper that will expedite our little business with Mr.

Torrington.

Jenny My mistress has decided to break with you forever. She has sent me here to collect her portrait, her letters, her jewels, and everything that belongs to her. She has ordered me to return to you, yours. Here they are. (giving him a packet of letters and a portrait)

McNaughten (stunned) All this, here, has been with her for a long time?

Jenny It's the custom amongst HONEST people, when they quarrel and make a final break, to return each other's letters and portraits.

McNaughten Is it so?

Jenny Yes, sir--without fail. This young man here will tell you so. Those who live properly pride themselves on it.

McNaughten Look here, my dear, all of this is a terrible nuisance, and you should realize that I'm getting tired of putting up with it.

Jenny Stop playing around! Here's your portrait--now give me hers, and, I'll be off!

McNaughten My portrait--what are you talking about?

Jenny Yes, your portrait, which my mistress exchanged for hers--bad bargain, though it was.

McNaughten (feebly) I gave MY portrait to YOUR mistress?

Jenny Look, are you going to pretend this is all a fable? That it is all false?

McNaughten Why, yes, by all the Devils, that is what I say, and what I will maintain, now and forever.

Jenny Surely, you wouldn't dare to take your oath on that, sir?

McNaughten Yes, I swear it. For, I've never had my portrait drawn, which proves it, beyond question.

Spruce This is no time to feign. If you have received it, no matter how--you are going too far.

McNaughten I don't know anything about it--may the Devil take me if I do!

Jenny Isn't this your portrait in this locket?

McNaughten No--unless the Devil, to injure me, painted it with his own hands and gave it to you.

Jenny What audacity--what effrontery! But, I will confound you. Look--what can you say to this witness? (opening the locket) Well--do you know the face and the features?

McNaughten How the Devil! It's--me. Who'd ever have thought such a thing possible? Those are my eyes, my look.

Spruce (taking the portrait from Jenny) Let's have a look, please. Put the original beside the copy. My word-- it is you, all right. A speaking portrait. Never did a painter draw a better likeness.

McNaughten There's some sorcery--or at least some trick. You will see. These two creatures painted it while I was on the coach--just to play me some trick. It's all part of their plan.

Jenny Stop it, please.

McNaughten Stop it yourself! Go try to meet men some other way, and leave me alone.

Jenny Give me back the portrait!