"How they found me out a patient in a ward of the Hotel Dieu, rescued and carried me away with them, I have heard full half a dozen times, but I 'm far from being clear enough to repeat the story; and, indeed, when I try to recall the period, the only images which rise up before me are long ranges of white coverlids, pale faces, and groans and cries of suffering, with the dark curly head of a great master of torture peeping at me, and whom, I am told, is the Baron Dupuytren, the Surgeon-in-Chief. After these comes a vision of litters and _charrettes_,--sore joltings and stoppages to drink water--But I shall rave if I go on. Better I should tell you of my pleasant little bedroom here, opening on a small garden, with a tiny fountain trying to sprinkle the wild myrtle and blush-roses around it, and sportively sending its little plash over me, as the wind wafts it into my chamber. My luxurious chair and easy-cushioned sofa, and my table littered with everything, from flowers to French romances; not to speak of the small rustic seat beside the window, where she has been sitting the last hour, and has only quitted to give me time to write this to you. I know it--I see it--all you can say, all that you are saying at this moment, is fifty times more forcibly echoing within my own heart, and repeating in fitful sentences: 'A ruined man--a broken fortune--a mad attachment--a life of struggle, difficulty, and failure!' But why should it be failure? Such a girl for a wife ought in itself to be an earnest of success. Are not her qualities exactly those that do battle with the difficulties of fortune?

Self-denial--ambition--courage--an intense, an intuitive knowledge of the world--and then, a purpose-like devotion to whatever she undertakes, that throws an air of heroism over all her actions.

"Birth--blood--family connections--what have they done for me, except it be to entail upon me the necessity of selecting a career amidst the two or three that are supposed to suit the well-born? I may be a Life Guardsman, or an unpaid attache, but I must not be a physician or a merchant. Nor is it alone that certain careers are closed against us, but certain opinions too. I must not think ill of the governing cla.s.s,--I must never think well of the governed.

"Well, Harry, the colonies are the remedy for all this. There, at least, a man can fashion existence as arbitrarily as he can the shape and size of his house. None shall dictate his etiquette, no more than his architecture; and I am well weary of the slavery of this old-world life, with our worship of old notions and old china, both because they are cracked, damaged, and useless. I 'll marry her. I have made up my mind on 't. Spare me all your remonstrances, all your mock compa.s.sion. Nor is it like a fellow who has not seen the world in its best gala suit, affecting to despise rank, splendor, and high station. _I have_ seen the thing. I have cantered my thoroughbred along Rotten Row, eaten my truffled dinners in Belgravia, whispered my nonsense over the white shoulders of the fairest and best-born of England's daughters. I know to a decimal fraction the value of all these; and, what 's more, I know what one pays for them,--the miserable va.s.salage, the poor slavery of mind, soul, and body they cost!

"It is the terror of exclusion here, the dread of coldness there--the possibility of offence to 'his Grace' on this side, or misconception by 'her Ladyship' on that--sway and rule a man so that he may neither eat, drink, nor sleep without a 'Court Guide' in his pocket. I 've done with it! now and forever,--I tell you frankly,--I return no more to this bondage.

"I have written a farewell address to my worthy const.i.tuents of Oughterard. I have told them that, 'feeling an instinct of independence within me, I can no longer remain their representative; that, as a man of honor, I shrink from the jobbery of the little borough politicians, and, as a gentleman, I beg to decline their intimacy.' They took me for want of a better--I leave them for the same reason.

"To my father I have said: 'Let us make a compromise. As your son I have a claim on the House. Now, what will you give for my share? I 'll neither importune you for place, nor embarra.s.s you with solicitations for employment. Help me to stock my knapsack, and I 'll find my road myself.' _She_ knows nothing of these steps on my part; nor shall she, till they have become irrevocable. She is too proud ever to consent to what would cost me thus heavily; but the expense once incurred,--the outlay made,--she cannot object to what has become the law of my future life.

"I send off these two doc.u.ments to-night; this done, I shall write to her an offer of marriage. What a fever I 'm in! and all because I feel the necessity of defending myself to _you_,--to you of all men the most headstrong, reckless, and self-indulgent,--a fellow who never curbed a caprice nor restrained a pa.s.sing fancy; and yet you are just the man to light your cigar, and while you puff away your blue cloud, mutter on about rashness, folly, insanity, and the rest of it, as if the state of your bank account should make that wisdom in _you_, which with _me_ is but mere madness! But I tell you, Harry, it is your very thousands per annum that preclude you from doing what I can. It is your house in town, your stud at Tattersall's, your yacht at Cowes, your grouse-lodge in the Highlands, that tie and fetter you to live like some scores of others, with whom you have n't one solitary sympathy, save in income! You are bound up in all the recognizances of your wealth to dine stupidly, sup languidly, and sink down at last into a marriage of convenience,--to make a wife of her whom 'her Grace' has chosen for you without a single speculation in the contract save the thought of the earl you will be allied to, and the four n.o.ble families you 'll have the right to go in mourning for.

"And what worse than cant it is to talk of what they call an indiscreet match! What does--what can the world know as to the reasons that impel you, or me, or anybody else, to form a certain attachment? Are they acquainted with our secret and most hidden emotions? Do they understand the project of life we have planned to ourselves? Have they read our utter weariness and contempt for forms that _they_ venerate, and social distinctions that _they_ worship? I am aware that in some cases it requires courage to do this; and in doing it a man virtually throws down the glove to the whole world, and says, 'This woman's love is to me more than all of you'--and so say I at this moment. I must cry halt, I see, Harry. I have set these nerves at work in my wound, and the pain is agony. Tomorrow--to-night, if I 'm able--I shall continue.

"Midnight." They have just wished me good-night, after having spent the evening here reading out the newspapers for me, commenting upon them, and exerting themselves to amuse me in a hundred good-natured ways. You would like this same stately old Lady Dorothea. She is really 'Grande Dame' in every respect,--dress, air, carriage, gesture, even her slow and measured speech is imposing, and her prejudices, uttered as they are in such perfect sincerity of heart, have something touching about them, and her sorrowful pity for the mob sounded more gracefully than Kate's enthusiastic estimate of their high deservings. It does go terribly against the grain to fancy an alliance between coa.r.s.e natures and n.o.ble sentiments, and to believe in the native n.o.bility of those who never touch soap! I have had a kind of skirmish with La Henderson upon this theme to-night. She was cross and out of temper, and bore my bantering badly. The fact is, she is utterly disgusted at the turn things have taken in France; and not altogether without reason, since, after all their bl.u.s.ter and bloodshed and barricades, they have gone back to a monarchy again. They barred out the master to make 'the head usher' top of the school. Let us see if he won't be as fond of the birch as his predecessor. Like all mutineers, they found they could n't steer the ship when they had murdered the captain! How hopeless it makes one of humanity to see such a spectacle as this, Harry, and how low is one's estimate of the species after such experience! You meet some half-dozen semi-bald, spectacled old gentlemen in society, somewhat more reserved than the rest of the company, fond of talking to each other, and rather distrustful of strangers; you find them slow conversers at dinner, sorry whist-players in the drawing-room; you are told, however, that one is a President of the Council, another the Secretary for Foreign Affairs, and a third something equally important. You venerate them accordingly, while you mutter the old Swede's apothegm about the 'small intelligences' that rule mankind. Wait awhile! There is a row in the streets: a pickpocket has appealed to the public to rescue him from the ign.o.ble hands of the police; an escaped felon has fired at the judge who sentenced him, in the name of Liberty and Fraternity. No matter what the cause, there _is_ a row. The troops are called out; some are beaten, some join the insurgents. The government grows frightened--temporizes--offers terms--and sends for more soldiers.

The people--I never clearly knew what the word meant--the people make extravagant demands, and will not even give time to have them granted,--in a word, the whole state is subverted, the king, if there be one, in flight, the royal family missing, the ministers nowhere! No great loss you 'll say, if the four or five smooth-faced imbecilities we have spoken of are not to the fore! But there is your error, Harry,--your great error. These men, used to conduct and carry on the government, cannot be replaced. The new capacities do nothing but blunder, and maybe issue contradictory orders and impede each other's actions. To improvise a Secretary of State is about as wise a proceeding as to take at hazard a third-cla.s.s pa.s.senger and set him to guide the engine of a train. The only difference is that the machinery of state is ten thousand times more complex than that of a steam-engine, and the powers for mischief and misfortune in due proportion.

"But why talk of these things? I have had enough and too much of them already this evening; women, too, are unpleasant disputants in politics.

They attach their faith to persons, not parties. Miss Henderson is, besides, a little spoiled by the notice of those maxim-mongers who write leaders in the 'Debats, and articles for the 'Deux Mondes.' They have, or affect to have, a kind of pitying estimate for our English const.i.tutional forms, which is rather offensive. At least, she provoked me, and I am relapsing into bad temper, just by thinking of it.

"You tell me that you once served with Captain Martin, and I see you understand him; not that it requires much study to do so. You say he was reckoned a good officer; what a sneer is that on the art military!

"There are, however, many suitable qualities about him, and he certainly possesses the true and distinctive element of a gentleman,--he knows how to be idle. Ay, Harry, that is a privilege that your retired banker or enriched cotton-spinner never attains to. They must be up and doing,--where there is nothing to do. They carry the spirit of the counting-house and the loom into society with them, and having found a pleasure in business, they want to make a business of pleasure. Now, Martin understands idling to perfection. His tea and toast, his mutton cutlet, and his mustachios are abundant occupation for him. With luncheon about two o'clock, he saunters through the stables, sucking a lighted cigar, filing his nails, and admiring his boots, till it 's time to ride out. He comes to me about nine of an evening, and we play piquet till I get sleepy; after which he goes to 'the rooms,' and, I believe, plays high; at least, I suspect so; for he has, at times, the forced calm--that semi-jocular resignation--one sees in a heavy loser. He has been occasionally, too, probing me about Merl,--you remember the fellow who had the rooms near Knightsbridge,--so that I opine he has been dabbling in loans. What a sorry spectacle such a creature as this in the toils of the Israelite, for he is the 'softest of the soft.' I see it from the effect La Henderson has produced upon him. He is in love with her,--actually in love. He even wanted to make me his confidant--and I narrowly escaped the confession--only yesterday evening. Of course, he has no suspicion of my attachment in the same quarter, so that it would be downright treachery in me to listen to his avowal. Another feeling, too, sways me, Harry,--I don't think I could hear a man profess admiration for the woman that I mean to marry, without the self-same sense of resentment I should experience were I already her husband. I 'm certain I 'd shoot him for it.

"La belle Kate and I parted coldly--dryly, I should call it--this evening. I had fancied she was above coquetry, but she is not. Is any woman? She certainly gave the Captain what the world would call encouragement all the night; listened attentively to tiresome tiger-huntings and stories of the new country; questioned him about his Mahratta campaigns, and even hinted at how much she would like an Indian life. Perhaps the torment she was inflicting on Lady Dorothea amused her; perhaps it was the irritation she witnessed in me gave the zest to this pastime. It is seldom that she condescends to be either amused or amusing; and I own it is a part does not suit her. She is a thousand times more attractive sitting over her embroidery-frame, raising her head at times to say a few words,--ever apposite and well chosen,--always simple, too, and to the purpose; or even by a slight gesture bearing agreement with what is said around her; till, with a sudden impulse, she pours forth fast, rapidly, and fluently some glowing sentiment of praise or censure, some glorious eulogy of the good, or some withering depreciation of the wrong. Then it is that you see how dark those eyes can be, how deep-toned that voice, and with what delicacy of expression she can mould and fashion every mood of mind, and give utterance to sentiments that till then none have ever known how to embody.

"It is such a descent to her to play coquette! Cleopatra cannot--should not be an Abigail. I am low and depressed to-night; I scarcely know why: indeed, I have less reason than usual for heavy-heartedness. These people are singularly kind and attentive to me, and seem to have totally forgotten how ungratefully once before I repaid their civilities. What a stupid mistake do we commit in not separating our public life from our social one, so as to show that our opinions upon measures of state are disconnected with all the sentiments we maintain for our private friendships. I detect a hundred sympathies, inconceivable points of contact, between these people and myself. We pa.s.s hours praising the same things, and abusing the same people; and how could it possibly sever our relations that I would endow Maynooth when they would pull it down, or that I liked forty-shilling freeholders better than ten-pound householders? You 'll say that a certain earnestness accompanies strong convictions, and that when a man is deeply impressed with some supposed truths, he 'll not measure his reprobation of those who a.s.sail them.

But a lawyer does all this, and forfeits nothing of the esteem of 'his learned brother on the opposite side.' Nay, they exchange very-ugly knocks at times, and inflict very unseemly marks even with the gloves on; still they go homeward, arm-in-arm, after, and laugh heartily at both plaintiff and defendant. By Jove! Harry, it may sound ill, but somehow it seems as though to secure even a moderate share of enjoyment in this life one must throne Expediency in the seat of Principle. I 'll add the conclusion to-morrow, and now say good-night.

"Three days have pa.s.sed over since I wrote the last time to you, and it would require as many weeks were I to chronicle all that has pa.s.sed through my mind in the interval. Events there have been few; but sensations--emotions, enough for a lifetime. Nor dare I recall them!

Faintly endeavoring to trace a few broken memories, my pains of mind and body come back again, so that you must bear with me if I be incoherent, almost unintelligible.

"The day after I wrote to you, I never saw her. My Lady, who came as usual to visit me in the day, said something about Miss Henderson having a headache. Unpleasant letters from her family--obliged to give up the day to answering them; but all so confused and with such evident constraint as to show me that something disagreeable loomed in view.

"The Captain dropped in about four o'clock, and as the weather was unfavorable, we sat down to our party of piquet. By a little address, I continued to lose nearly every game, and so gradually led him into a conversation while we played; but I soon saw that he only knew something had occurred 'upstairs,' but knew not what.

"' I suspect, however,' added he, 'it is only the old question as to Kate's going away.' "'Going away! Going where?' cried I.

"'Home to her father; she is resolutely bent upon it,--has been so ever since we left Paris. My mother, who evidently--but on what score I know not--had some serious difference with her, is now most eager to make concessions, and would stoop to--what for her is no trifle--even solicitation to induce her to stay, has utterly failed; so, too, has my father. Persuasion and entreaty not succeeding, I suspect--but it is only suspicion--that they have had recourse to parental authority, and asked old Henderson to interfere. At least, a letter has come this morning from the West of Ireland, for Kate, which I surmise to be in his hand. She gave it, immediately on reading it, to my mother, and I could detect in her Ladyship's face, while she perused it, unmistakable signs of satisfaction. When she handed it back, too, she gave a certain condescending smile, which, in my mother, implies victory, and seems to say, "Let us be friends now,--I 'm going to signal--cease firing."'

"'And Kate, did she make any remark--say anything?' "'Not a syllable.

She folded up the doc.u.ment, carefully and steadily, and placed it in her work-box, and then resumed her embroidery in silence. I watched her narrowly, while I affected to read the paper, and saw that she had to rip out half she had done. After a while my mother said,--"'"You 'll not answer that letter to-day, probably?"

"'"I mean to do so, my Lady," said she; "and, with your permission, will beg you to read my reply."

"'"Very well," said my mother, and left the room. I was standing outside on the balcony at the time, so that Kate believed, after my mother's departure, she was quite alone. It was then she opened the letter, and re-read it carefully. I never took my eyes off her; and yet what was pa.s.sing in her mind, whether joy, grief, disappointment, or pleasure, I defy any man to declare; nor when, having laid it down once more, she took up her work, not a line or a lineament betrayed her. It was plain enough the letter was no pleasant one, and I expected to have heard her sigh perhaps, or at least show some sign of depression; but no, she went on calmly, and at last began to sing, in a low, faint voice, barely audible where I stood, one of her little barcarole songs she is so fond of; and if there was no sorrow in her own heart, by Jove! she made mine throb heavily as I listened! I stood it as long as I was able, and then coughed to show that I was there, and entered the room. She never lifted her head, or noticed me, not even when I drew a chair close to her, and sat down at her side.

"'I suppose, Ma.s.singbred,' said he, after a pause, 'you 'll laugh at me, if I tell you I was in love with the Governess! Well, I should have laughed too, some six months ago, if any man had prophesied it; but the way I put the matter to myself is this: If I do succeed to a good estate, I have a right to indulge my own fancy in a wife; if I don't,--that is, if I be a ruined man,--where 's the harm in marrying beneath me?'

"'Quite right, admirably argued,' said I, impatiently; 'go on.'

"'I 'm glad you agree with me,' said he, with the stupid satisfaction of imbecility. 'I thought I had reduced the question to its very narrowest bounds.'

"'So you have; go on,' cried I.

"'"Miss Henderson," said I,--for I determined to show that I was speaking seriously, and so I did n't call her Kate,-- "Miss Henderson, I want to speak to you. I have been long seeking this opportunity; and if you will vouchsafe me a few minutes now, and hear me, on a subject upon which all my happiness in life depends--"

"'When I got that far, she put her work down on her knee, and stared at me with those large, full eyes of hers so steadily--ay, so haughtily, too--that I half wished myself fifty miles away.

"'"Captain Martin," said she, in a low, distinct voice, "has it ever occurred to you in life to have, by a mere moment of reflection, a sudden flash of intelligence, saved yourself from some step, some act, which, if accomplished, had brought nothing but outrage to your feeling, and insult to your self-esteem? Let such now rescue you from resuming this theme."

"'"But you# don't understand me," said I. "What I wish to say--" Just at that instant my father came into the room in search of her, and I made my escape to hide the confusion that I felt ready to overwhelm me.'

"'And have you not seen her since?'

"'No. Indeed, I think it quite as well, too. She 'll have time to think over what I said, and see what a deuced good offer it is; for though I know she was going to make objections about inequality of station and all that at the time, reflection will bring better thoughts.'

"'And she 'll consent, you think?'

"'I wish I had a bet on it,' said he.

"'So you shall, then,' said I, endeavoring to seem thoroughly at my ease. 'It's a very unworthy occasion for a wager, Martin; but I'll lay five hundred to one she refuses you.'

"'Taken, and booked,' cried he, writing it down in his note-book. "I only regret it is not in thousands.'

"'So it should be, if I could honestly stake what I have n't got.'

"'You are so sanguine of winning? '

"' So certain, you ought to say.'

"' Of course you use no influence against me,--you take no step of any kind to affect her decision.'

"'Certainly not.'

"'Nor are you--But,' added he, laughing, 'I need n't make that proviso.

I was going to say, you are not to ask her yourself.'

"'I 'll even promise you that, if you like,' said I.

"'Then what can you mean?' said he, with a puzzled look. 'But whatever it be, I can stand the loss. I 've won very close to double as much from you this evening.'

"'And as to the disappointment?'

"'Oh, _you_ 'll not mention it, I 'm certain, neither will she, so none will be the wiser; and, after all, the real bore in all these cases is the gossip.' And with this consolatory reflection he left me to dress for dinner. How well bred a fellow seems who has no feeling, but just tact enough to detect the tone of the world and follow it! That's Martin's case, and his manners are perfect! After he was gone, I was miserable for not having quarrelled with him,--said something outrageous, insolent, and unbearable. That he should have dared to insult the young girl by such presumption as the offer of _his_ hand is really too much. What difference of station--wide as the poles asunder--could compare with their real inequality? The fop, the idler, the incompetent, to aspire to _her!_ Even his very narrative proclaimed his mean nature, wandering on, as it did, from a lounge on the balcony to an offer of marriage!

"Now, to conclude this wearisome story--and I fancy, Harry, that already you half deem me a fitting rival for the tiresome Captain,--but to finish, Martin came early into my room, and laying a bank-note for 100 on the bed, merely added, 'You were right; there's your money.' I'd have given double the sum to hear the details of this affair,--in what terms the refusal was conveyed,--on what grounds she based it; but he would not afford me the slightest satisfaction on any of these points. Indeed, he displayed more vigor of character than I suspected in him, in the way he arrested my inquiries. He left this for Paris immediately after, so that the mystery of that interview will doubtless remain impenetrable to me.