"I'm sorry I've made you think you have to ask. I've been in pain, and I've taken it out on everyone in sight." Marshal included.

"I couldn't bear the thought that I'd lost you completely," couldn't bear that much grief, "so I turned everything into anger.

"You talk about not deserving any friends. I never believed I deserved you. But ever since I stopped drinking, I have been trying "

I couldn't go on.

Fortunately I didn't have to.

"I know," she murmured.

"Like you haven't already proven yourself a hundred times over. You made one drunken mistake, and you've punished yourself for it ever since. Satan Himself couldn't whip you any harder."

That was true, too.

And maybe I'd done it enough. Pain is a means to an end, Na-kahatchi sensei had told me, but it must never become the end. Maybe that's what he meant. Enough was enough. God knows I'd already spent a lifetime of hurt on Richard's death.

When the hospital finally let me go, I went back to Bernie's apartment.

I wanted to look Alyse Appelwait in the eye while I said goodbye. And thank you.