What about your family?

That part was great, too! [Pause.] Oh, s.h.i.t. That's awful, isn't it?

You killed and ate them.

[Long pause.] Yeah. I'm ashamed.

The Colonel asked me to talk with you about something. On Sat.u.r.day, an elderly couple was eaten a block away from your house.

That wasn't me. No way.

I know. You were at work when it happened. I thought you might be able to help with whoever did it. You know how the Colonel is. It could get ugly.

I'm in the clear, Mr. Harper. I don't hang out with those people no more.

You don't want to go back to the bad old days, do you, Michael? That whole shoot-on-sight thing wasn't good for anybody, was it?

Oh, h.e.l.l, no. That's when I lost this ear. Another inch to the left-

How about if we do a pee test? You think any DNA besides yours might show up?

[Long pause.]

I'm on your side, Michael. I want it to work as much as you do.

[Pause.] I had a bite. Just one bite. I swear.

How'd you get it?

Some guy. Over at the slaughterhouse. You know, when I took my bucket in for a refill.

The Colonel will want to talk to you after our session.

I swear, I didn't know the guy. What the f.u.c.k was I supposed to do, man? He just f.u.c.kin' walked up and gave it to me! If I wouldn't have eaten it, somebody else would have. They were already dead, right?

And that's called?

[Pause.] s.h.i.t... Rationalization....

There isn't any vague "somebody" out there that you can put this off on. You're the one that's responsible for your own behavior. n.o.body else.

It smelled so d.a.m.n good. You can always smell the difference between human brains and cow brains. So d.a.m.n good.

This is a slip, Michael, not a relapse. The Colonel is going to have somebody keeping a close eye on you. First time you look like you're even thinking about biting somebody, it's a bullet in the head.

I gotta tell you, your brains smell great, Mr. Harper.

This isn't about me, Michael.

I mean, sometimes I wake up dreaming about eating your brains. Like they would taste better than any other brains in the whole world. I would soooo love to eat your brains.

That's called "transference." It happens in therapy sometimes. If you spend time obsessing about my brains, you don't have to face your own issues.

I bet I could just jump over the desk, and-

But you won't. [Sound of sh.e.l.l being jacked into twelve-gauge pump shotgun.] Michael... you're a slow zombie. I'd blow your head off before you got completely out of the chair. You know that you wouldn't be the first.

f.u.c.k. Sometimes I wish I was a fast zombie.

They're all gone. They were an evolutionary dead end. Every human still alive has killed hundreds of zombies, fast and slow, Michael. Being slow is what saved you.

c.r.a.p. Yeah, I know. You need guys like me.

You're a great plumber, even if you are undead. Please open your bucket. Now.

[Pause.]