The soul laughs at itself when it thinks of the time in which it regarded money, and desired to possess it,--though, as to this, I verily believe that I never had to confess such a fault; it was fault enough to have regarded money at all. If I could purchase with money the blessings which I possess, I should make much of it; but it is plain that these blessings are gained by abandoning all things.

35. What is there that is procurable by this money which we desire? Is it anything of worth, and anything lasting?

Why, then, do we desire it? A dismal resting place it provides, which costs so dear! Very often it obtains for us h.e.l.l itself, fire everlasting, and torments without end. Oh, if all men would but regard it as profitless dross, how peaceful the world would be! how free from bargaining! How friendly all men would be one with another, if no regard were paid to honour and money!

I believe it would be a remedy for everything.

36. The soul sees how blind men are to the nature of pleasure--how by means of it they provide for themselves trouble and disquietude even in this life. What restlessness! how little satisfaction! what labour in vain! It sees, too, not only the cobwebs that cover it, and its great faults, but also the specks of dirt, however slight they may be; for the sun shines most clearly; and thus, however much the soul may have laboured at its own perfection, it sees itself to be very unclean, if the rays of the sun fall really upon it. The soul is like water in a vessel, which appears pellucid when the sun does not shine through it; but if it does, the water then is found to be full of motes.

37. This comparison is literally correct. Before the soul fell into the trance, it thought itself to be careful about not offending G.o.d, and that it did what it could in proportion to its strength; but now that it has attained to this state, in which the Sun of Justice shines upon it, and makes it open its eyes, it beholds so many motes, that it would gladly close them again.

It is not so truly the child of the n.o.ble eagle, that it can gaze upon the sun; but, for the few instants it can keep them open, it beholds itself wholly unclean. It remembers the words: "Who shall be just in Thy presence?" [30] When it looks on this Divine Sun, the brightness thereof dazzles it,--when it looks on itself, its eyes are blinded by the dust: the little dove is blind. So it happens very often: the soul is utterly blinded, absorbed, amazed, dizzy at the vision of so much grandeur.

38. It is in rapture that true humility is acquired--humility that will never say any good of self, nor suffer others to do so.

The Lord of the garden, not the soul, distributes the fruit thereof, and so none remains in its hands; all the good it has, it refers to G.o.d; if it says anything about itself, it is for His glory. It knows that it possesses nothing here; and even if it wished, it cannot continue ignorant of that. It sees this, as it were, with the naked eye; for, whether it will or not, its eyes are shut against the things of this world, and open to see the truth.

1. See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v.; Philippus a SS. Trinitate, Theolog. Mystic. par. iii. tr. i, disp. iii., art. 3; "Haec oratio raptus superior est praecedentibus orationis gradibus, etiam oratione unionis ordinariae, et habet effectus multo excellentiores et multas alias operationes."

2. "She says that rapture is more excellent than union; that is, that the soul in a rapture has a greater fruition of G.o.d, and that G.o.d takes it then more into His own hands. That is evidently so; because in a rapture the soul loses the use of its exterior and interior faculties. When she says that union is the beginning, middle, and end, she means that pure union is almost always uniform; but that there are degrees in rapture, of which some are, as it were, the beginning, some the middle, others the end. That is the reason why it is called by different names; some of which denote the least, others the most, perfect form of it, as it will appear hereafter."--Note in the Spanish edition of Lopez (De la Fuente).

3. Anton. a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. 4, d. i. n. 95: "Licet oratio raptus idem sit apud mysticos ac oratio volatus, seu elevationis spiritus seu extasis; reipsa tamen raptus aliquid addit super extasim; nam extasis importat simplicem excessum mentis in seipso secundum quem aliquis extra suam cognitionem ponitur. Raptus vero super hoc addit violentiam quandam ab aliquo extrinseco."

4. The words between the dashes are in the handwriting of the Saint--not however, in the text, but on the margin (De la Fuente).

5. See Inner Fortress, vi. ch. v. "Primus effectus orationis ecstaticae est in corpore, quod ita remanet, ac si per animam non informaretur, infrigidatur enim calore naturali deficiente, clauduntur suaviter oculi, et alii sensus amittuntur: contingit tamen quod corpus infirmum in hac oratione sanitatem recuperat."

Anton. a Spirit. Sancto, Direct. Mystic. tr. iv. d. 2, -- 4, n. 150.

6. This pa.s.sage could not have been in the first Life; for that was written before she had ever been Prioress.

7. Job. iv. 15: "Inhorruerunt pili carnis meae." (See St. John of the Cross. Spiritual Canticle, sts. 14, 15, vol. ii p. 83, Engl. trans.)

8. See ch. xxix.

9. See ch. xx. -- 21.

10. -- 9, supra.

11. -- 10.

12. Psalm ci. 8: "I have watched, and become as a sparrow alone on the house-top."

13. Psalm xli. 4: "Ubi est Deus tuus?"

14. Galat. vi. 14: "In cruce Jesu Christi: per quem mihi mundus crucifixus est, et ego mundo."

15. ---- 9 and 12.

16. Daniel x. 16: "In visione tua dissolutae sunt compages meae."

See St. John of the Cross, Spiritual Canticle, st. 14, vol. ii. p. 84, Engl. trans.; and also Relation, viii. -- 13, where this is repeated.

17. Ch. v. -- 18.

18. -- 12.

19. The words from "I have just said" to "our Lord" are in the margin of the text, but in the handwriting of the Saint (De la Fuente).

20. See -- 11.

21. See Relation, viii. -- 8.

22. Ch. xviii. -- 16.

23. Ch. xviii. -- 17.

24. Avila.

25. Ch. xxv. -- 18.

26. -- 9.

27. "Other will . . . Lord's will." These words--in Spanish, "Otra voluntad, sino hacer la de nuestro Senor"--are not in the handwriting of the Saint; perhaps it was Father Banes who wrote them. The MS. is blurred, and the original text seems to have been, "libre alvedrio ni guerra" (De la Fuente).

28. St. Vincent. Ferrer, Instruct. de Vit. Spirit. c. xiv. p. 14: "Si dicerent tibi aliquid quod sit contra fidem, et contra Scripturam Sacram, aut contra bonos mores, ahhorreas earum visionem et judicia, tanquam stultas dementias, et earum raptus, sicut rabiamenta"--which word the Saint translates by "rabiamientos."

29. Psalm liv. 7: "Quis dabit mihi pennas sicut columbae?"

30. Job iv. 17: "Numquid h.o.m.o Dei comparatione justificabitur?"

Chapter XXI.

Conclusion of the Subject. Pain of the Awakening.

Light Against Delusions.

1. To bring this matter to an end, I say that it is not necessary for the soul to give its consent here; it is already given: the soul knows that it has given up its will into His hands, [1] and that it cannot deceive Him, because He knoweth all things. It is not here as it is in the world, where all life is full of deceit and double-dealing. When you think you have gained one man's good will, because of the outward show he makes, you afterwards learn that all was a lie. No one can live in the midst of so much scheming, particularly if there be any interests at stake.

2. Blessed, then, is that soul which our Lord draws on to the understanding of the truth! Oh, what a state for kings!

How much better it would be for them if they strove for this, rather than for great dominions! How justice would prevail under their rule! What evils would be prevented, and might have been prevented already! Here no man fears to lose life or honour for the love of G.o.d. What a grand thing this would be to him who is more bound than those beneath him to regard the honour of our Lord!--for it is kings whom the crowd must follow. To make one step in the propagation of the faith, and to give one ray of light to heretics, I would forfeit a thousand kingdoms. And with good reason: for it is another thing altogether to gain a kingdom that shall never end, because one drop of the water of that kingdom, if the soul but tastes it, renders the things of this world utterly loathsome.

3. If, then, the soul should be wholly engulfed, what then?

O Lord, if Thou wert to give me the right to publish this abroad, people would not believe me--as they do not believe many who are able to speak of it in a way very different from mine; but I should satisfy myself, at least. I believe I should count my life as nothing, if I might make others understand but one of these truths. I know not what I shall do afterwards, for I cannot trust myself; though I am what I am, I have a violent desire, which is wasting me, to say this to those who are in authority. And now that I can do no more, I betake myself to Thee, O my Lord, to implore a remedy for all. Thou knowest well that I would gladly divest myself of all the graces which Thou hast given me,--provided I remained in a condition never to offend Thee,--and give them up to those who are kings; for I know it would then be impossible for them to allow what they allow now, or fail to receive the very greatest blessings.

4. O my G.o.d, make kings to understand how far their obligations reach! Thou hast been pleased to distinguish them on earth in such a way that--so I have heard--Thou showest signs in the heavens when Thou takest any of them away. Certainly, when I think of this, my devotion is stirred, because Thou wilt have them learn, O my King, even from this, that they must imitate Thee in their lives, seeing that, when they die, signs are visible in the heavens, as it was when Thou wert dying Thyself.

5. I am very bold; if it be wrong, you, my father, will tear this out: only believe that I should speak much more to the purpose in the presence of kings,--if I might, or thought they would listen to me,--for I recommend them greatly to G.o.d, and I wish I might be of service to them. All this makes one risk life; for I long frequently to lose mine,--and that would be to lose a little for the chance of gaining much; for surely it is not possible to live, when we see with our eyes the great delusion wherein we are walking, and the blindness in which we are living.

6. A soul that has attained to this is not limited to the desires it has to serve G.o.d; for His Majesty gives it strength to bring those desires to good effect. Nothing can be put before it into which it will not throw itself, if only it thinks that G.o.d may be served thereby: and yet it is doing nothing, because, as I said before, [2] it sees clearly that all is nothing, except pleasing G.o.d. The trial is, that those who are so worthless as I am, have no trial of the kind. May it be Thy good pleasure, O my G.o.d, that the time may come in which I may be able to pay one farthing at least, of the heavy debt I owe Thee! Do Thou, O Lord, so dispose matters according to Thy will, that this Thy servant may do Thee some service. Other women there have been who did heroic deeds for Thee; I am good only to talk; and so it has not been Thy pleasure, O my G.o.d, that I should do any thing: all ends in talk and desires--that is all my service. And yet even in this I am not free, because it is possible I might fail altogether.