May 5. Worked on the wreck, cut another beam asunder, and brought three great fir planks off from the decks, which I tied together, and made swim on sh.o.r.e when the tide of flood came on.

May 6. Worked on the wreck, got several iron bolts out of her, and other pieces of iron-work; worked very hard, and came home very much tired, and had thoughts of giving it over.

May 7. Went to the wreck again, but with an intent not to work, but found the weight of the wreck had broke itself down, the beams being cut, that several pieces of the ship seemed to lie loose, and the inside of the hold lay so open, that I could see into it, but almost full of water and sand.

May 8. Went to the wreck, and carried an iron crow to wrench up the deck, which lay now quite clear of the water or sand; I wrenched open two planks, and brought them on sh.o.r.e also with the tide: I left the iron crow in the wreck for next day.

May 9. Went to the wreck, and with the crow made way into the body of the wreck, and felt several casks, and loosened them with the crow, but could not break them up: I felt also the roll of English lead, and could stir it, but it was too heavy to remove.

May 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. Went every day to the wreck, and got a great many pieces of timber, and boards, or plank, and two or three hundred weight of iron.

May 15. I carried two hatchets, to try if I could not cut a piece off the roll of lead, by placing the edge of one hatchet, and driving it with the other; but as it lay about a foot and a half in the water, I could not make any blow to drive the hatchet.

May 16. It had blown hard in the night, and the wreck appeared more broken by the force of the water; but I staid so long in the woods to get pigeons for food, that the tide prevented me going to the wreck that day.

May 17. I saw some pieces of the wreck blown on sh.o.r.e, at a great distance, near two miles off me, but resolved to see what they were, and found it was a piece of the head, but too heavy for me to bring away.

May 24. Every day to this day I worked on the wreck, and with hard labour I loosened some things so much with the crow, that the first flowing tide several casks floated out, and two of the seamen's chests; but the wind blowing from the sh.o.r.e, nothing came to land that day but pieces of timber, and a hogshead, which had some Brasil pork in it, but the salt water and the sand had spoiled it.

I continued this work every day to the 15th of June, except the time necessary to get food, which I always appointed, during this part of my employment, to be when the tide was up, that I might be ready when it was ebbed out; and by this time I had gotten timber, and plank, and iron-work enough to have built a good boat, if I had known how; and also I got at several times, and in several pieces, near one hundred weight of the sheet-lead.

June 16. Going down to the sea-side, I found a large tortoise or turtle: this was the first I had seen, which it seems was only my misfortune, not any defect of the place, or scarcity; for had I happened to be on the other side of the island, I might have had hundreds of them every day, as I found afterwards; but perhaps had paid dear enough for them.

June 17. I spent in cooking the turtle; I found in her threescore eggs; and her flesh was to me at that time the most savory and pleasant that ever I tasted in my life, having had no flesh, but of goats and fowls, since I landed in this horrid place.

June 18. Rained all day, and I stayed within. I thought at this time the rain felt cold, and I was something chilly, which I knew was not usual in that lat.i.tude.

June 19. Very ill, and shivering, as if the weather had been cold.

June 20. No rest all night, violent pains in my head, and feverish.

June 21. Very ill, frighted almost to death with the apprehensions of my sad condition, to be sick, and no help. Prayed to G.o.d for the first time since the storm off Hull, but scarce knew what I said, or why; my thoughts being all confused.

June 22. A little better, but under dreadful apprehensions of sickness.

June 23. Very bad again, cold and shivering, and then a violent headach.

June 24. Much better.

June 25. An ague very violent; the fit held me seven hours, cold fit and hot, with faint sweats after it.

June 26. Better; and having no victuals to eat, took my gun, but found myself very weak; however, I killed a she-goat, and with much difficulty got it home, and broiled some of it, and ate; I would fain have stewed it, and made some broth, but had no pot.

June 27. The ague again so violent, that I lay abed all day, and neither ate or drank. I was ready to perish for thirst, but so weak I had not strength to stand up, or to get myself any water to drink. Prayed to G.o.d again, but was light-headed; and when I was not I was so ignorant, that I knew not what to say; only I lay and cried, "Lord look upon me! Lord pity me! Lord have mercy upon me!" I suppose I did nothing else for two or three hours, till the fit wearing off, I fell asleep, and did not wake till far in the night; when I waked, I found myself much refreshed, but weak, and exceeding thirsty: however, as I had no water in my whole habitation, I was forced to lie till morning, and went to sleep again.

In this second sleep I had this terrible dream.

I thought that I was sitting on the ground on the outside of my wall, where I sat when the storm blew after the earthquake, and that I saw a man descend from a great black cloud, in a bright flame of fire, and light upon the ground. He was all over as bright as a flame, so that I could but just bear to look towards him; his countenance was most inexpressibly dreadful, impossible for words to describe; when he stepped upon the ground with his feet I thought the earth trembled, just as it had done before in the earthquake, and all the air looked to my apprehension as if it had been filled with flashes of fire.

He was no sooner landed upon the earth, but he moved forward towards me, with a long spear or weapon in his hand to kill me; and when he came to a rising ground, at some distance, he spoke to me, or I heard a voice so terrible, that it is impossible to express the terror of it; all that I can say I understood was this, "Seeing all these things have not brought thee to repentance, now thou shall die:" at which words I thought he lifted up the spear that was in his hand to kill me.

No one, that shall ever read this account, will expect that I should be able to describe the horrors of my soul at this terrible vision; I mean, that even while it was a dream, I even dreamed of those horrors; nor is it any more possible to describe the impression that remained upon my mind, when I awaked, and found it was but a dream.

I had, alas! no divine knowledge; what I had received by the good instruction of my father was then worn out by an uninterrupted series, for eight years, of seafaring wickedness, and a constant conversation with nothing but such as were, like myself, wicked and profane to the last degree. I do not remember that I had in all that time one thought that so much as tended either to looking upwards toward G.o.d, or inwards towards a reflection upon my own ways. But a certain stupidity of soul, without desire of good, or conscience of evil, had entirely overwhelmed me, and I was all that the most hardened, unthinking, wicked creature among our common sailors can be supposed to be, not having the least sense, either of the fear of G.o.d in danger, or of thankfulness to G.o.d in deliverances.

In the relating what is already past of my story, this will be the more easily believed, when I shall add, that through all the variety of miseries that had to this day befallen me, I never had so much as one thought of it being the hand of G.o.d, or that it was a just punishment for my sin, my rebellious behaviour against my father, or my present sins, which were great; or so much as a punishment for the general course of my wicked life. When I was on the desperate expedition on the desert sh.o.r.es of Africa, I never had so much as one thought of what would become of me; or one wish to G.o.d to direct me whither I should go, or to keep me from the danger which apparently surrounded me, as well from voracious creatures as cruel savages: but I was merely thoughtless of a G.o.d, or a Providence, acted like a mere brute from the principles of nature, and by the dictates of common sense only, and indeed hardly that.

When I was delivered, and taken up at sea by the Portugal captain, well used, and dealt justly and honourably with, as well as charitably, I had not the least thankfulness on my thoughts. When again I was shipwrecked, ruined, and in danger of drowning on this island, I was as far from remorse, or looking on it as a judgment; I only said to myself often, that I was _an unfortunate dog_, and born to be always miserable.

It is true, when I got on sh.o.r.e first here, and found all my ship's crew drowned, and myself spared, I was surprised with a kind of ecstasy, and some transports of soul, which, had the grace of G.o.d a.s.sisted, might have come up to true thankfulness; but it ended where it begun, in a mere common flight of joy, or, as I may say, _being glad I was alive_, without the least reflection upon the distinguishing goodness of the Hand which had preserved me, and had singled me out to be preserved, when all the rest were destroyed; or an inquiry why Providence had been thus merciful to me; even just the same common sort of joy which seamen generally have, after they have got safe on sh.o.r.e from a shipwreck, which they drown all in the next bowl of punch, and forget almost as soon as it is over; and all the rest of my life was like it.

Even when I was afterwards, on due consideration, made sensible of my condition, how I was cast on this dreadful place, out of the reach of human kind, out of all hope of relief, or prospect of redemption, as soon as I saw but a prospect of living, and that I should not starve and perish for hunger, all the sense of my affliction wore off, and I began to be very easy, applied myself to the works proper for my preservation and supply, and was far enough from being afflicted at my condition, as a judgment from Heaven, or as the hand of G.o.d against me: these were thoughts which very seldom entered into my head.

The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had at first some little influence upon me, and began to affect me with seriousness, as long as I thought it had something miraculous in it; but as soon as ever that part of thought was removed, all the impression which was raised from it wore off also, as I have noted already.

Even the earthquake, though nothing could be more terrible in its nature, or more immediately directing to the invisible Power which alone directs such things; yet no sooner was the first fright over, but the impression it had made went off also. I had no more sense of G.o.d, or his judgments, much less of the present affliction of my circ.u.mstances being from his hand, than if I had been in the most prosperous condition of life.

But now, when I began to be sick, and a leisurely view of the miseries of death came to place itself before me; when my spirits began to sink under the burden of a strong distemper, and nature was exhausted with the violence of the fever; conscience, that had slept so long, began to awake, and I began to reproach myself with my past life, in which I had so evidently, by uncommon wickedness, provoked the justice of G.o.d to lay me under uncommon strokes, and to deal with me in so vindictive a manner.

These reflections oppressed me from the second or third day of my distemper, and in the violence, as well of the fever as of the dreadful reproaches of my conscience, extorted some words from me, like praying to G.o.d, though I cannot say they were either a prayer attended with desires, or with hopes; it was rather the voice of mere fright and distress; my thoughts were confused, the convictions great upon my mind, and the horror of dying in such a miserable condition, raised vapours into my head with the mere apprehensions; and, in these hurries of my soul, I knew not what my tongue might express: but it was rather exclamation, such as, "Lord! what a miserable creature am I! If I should be sick, I shall certainly die for want of help, and what will become of me!" Then the tears burst out of my eyes, and I could say no more for a good while.

In this interval, the good advice of my father came to my mind; and presently his prediction, which I mentioned in the beginning of this story, viz. that if I did take this foolish step, G.o.d would not bless me, and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel, when there might be none to a.s.sist in my recovery. "Now,"

said I aloud, "my dear father's words are come to pa.s.s: G.o.d's justice has overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me: I rejected the voice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture or station of life wherein I might have been happy and easy; but I would neither see it myself, nor learn to know the blessing of it from my parents; I left them to mourn over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it: I refused their help and a.s.sistance, who would have lifted me into the world, and would have made every thing easy to me; and now I have difficulties to struggle with, too great for even nature itself to support, and no a.s.sistance, no help, no comfort, no advice."

Then I cried out, "Lord be my help, for I am in great distress!"

This was the first prayer, if I might call it so, that I had made for many years. But I return to my journal.

June 28. Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, and the fit being entirely off, I got up: and though the fright and terror of my dream was very great, yet I considered, that the fit of the ague would return again the next day, and now was my time to get something to refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing I did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon my table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into it, and mixed them together; then I got me a piece of the goat's flesh, and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about, but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense of my miserable condition, dreading the return of my distemper the next day. At night I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs, which I roasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the sh.e.l.l; and this was the first bit of meat I had ever asked G.o.d's blessing to, even, as I could remember, in my whole life.

After I had eaten I tried to walk; but found myself so weak, that I could hardly carry the gun (for I never went out without that): so I went but a little way, and sat down upon the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and very calm and smooth. As I sat here, some such thoughts as these occurred to me:

What is the earth and sea, of which I have seen so much? Whence is it produced? And what am I, and all the other creatures, wild and tame, human and brutal? whence are we?

Sure we are all made by some secret Power, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky; and who is that?

Then it followed, most naturally: it is G.o.d that has made it all: well, but then it came on strangely; if G.o.d has made all these things, he guides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the Being that could make all things, must certainly have power to guide and direct them.

If so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of his works, either without his knowledge or appointment.

And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here, and am in a dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without his appointment, he has appointed all this to befal me.

Nothing occurred to my thoughts to contradict any of these conclusions; and therefore it rested upon me with the greater force, that it must needs be, that G.o.d had appointed all this to befal me; that I was brought to this miserable circ.u.mstance by his direction, he having the sole power, not of me only, but of every thing that happened in the world. Immediately it followed,

Why has G.o.d done this to me? What have I done to be thus used?

My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had blasphemed; and methought it spoke to me, like a voice; "Wretch! dost thou ask what thou hast done? look back upon a dreadful mispent life, and ask thyself what thou hast not done? ask, why is it that thou wert not long ago destroyed? why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth Roads?

killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man of war?

devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa? or, drowned here, when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost thou ask, What have I done?"

I was struck with these reflections as one astonished, and had not a word to say, no, not to answer to myself: but rose up pensive and sad, walked back to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had been going to bed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as the apprehensions of the return of my distemper terrified me very much, it occurred to my thought, that the Brasilians take no physic but their tobacco, for almost all distempers; and I had a piece of a roll of tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured, and some also that was green, and not quite cured.