"Let him proceed then," replied the king, "and if he redeem himself, the hanging shall be spared." The general resumed, while Mr. Tickler trembled in his boots.

"It is come to the president's knowledge, that your majesty is in possession of several valuable Islands, which in their present condition yield no revenue. Therefore he has directed me to say that he will relieve you of them, and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven ordained they should fulfill. And I can tell your majesty that the president has a remarkable taste for Islands, and so long as he can get them, cares not a whit for the means!"

"May it please your majesty, this great amba.s.sador has a most fertile imagination, to which he adds a supple tongue. He says the evils of your reign are the natural results of the mischievous interference on the part of the priests; and that the President of the United States, having resolved that this state of things shall no longer exist, has instructed him to seize upon all your Islands, and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven has ordained." This so exasperated the king, that he swore, in the language of his country, that he verily believed the persons before him vagabonds sent by the devil to disturb the peace of his country. Nor indeed were the priests backward in stirring the mischief, for they whispered among themselves that he ought to be well hanged for the slur flung at their order. "Take these men away!" exclaimed the king in the height of his pa.s.sion, which he was saved from further betraying by the uplifted hand of the priests; "and tomorrow morning at parrot-wink let them be well hanged in the plaza." The king and the priests now retired in great confusion, which so astounded General Potter and his secretary that they must needs inquire what it all meant, for their difference of tongues left a gloomy void between them. And when it was explained by the lawgiver, at whose mercy they were, they looked one at the other in consternation, and were led away perplexed and full of sorrow.

CHAPTER LI.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY DON PEREZ GONETI PRACTISED THE DECEPTION; AND OF THE WONDERFUL DISCOVERY OF A NEW MODE OF PUNISHING AMBa.s.sADORS.

WHEN it was night, and not a beetle was heard, and the guards found great difficulty in keeping awake, Don Perez Goneti came to the house of General Potter, disguised in the robe of a priest. He found the general engaged over dispatches to his government, and letters to his wife Polly; in both of which he set forth in sad and pitiful sentences, "the dire fate" that awaited him. As for Mr. Tickler, he had not an ounce of courage left, but was nevertheless writing articles for the seven New York newspapers, of which he was correspondent. According to Tickler, as set forth in these grave articles, no greater outrage had ever been committed upon the unoffending representatives of the United States, and for which he demanded summary vengeance. "Gentlemen! said the intruder, discovering himself, "I am Don Perez Goneti, the lawgiver! Fear not, for I come to cheer you. This king, you must know, is a great knave, and so under the thumb of the priests that an honest man like myself is not safe a day in his office. Having long meditated his overthrow, I come to offer you the hand of friendship in your distress, and to say that if you will join me in carrying out my design (I have a strong party at my command), we will teach this king what it is to be a subject. By the saints, he has no good will toward your country, as you have seen."

"What you propose is exactly to my liking, for I must tell you that the very same thing has occupied my thoughts; but since I am to be hanged in the morning, why there's an end to all." Don Perez smiled, and a.s.sured the general there would be no hanging, since the king was a great coward, and feared the penalty of such an act.

"Honestly, your excellency, he has already revoked the sentence, and subst.i.tuted a novel but very harmless punishment, which when you have endured, he will order you out of the country." This cheering news sent a thrill of joy to Tickler's very heart, for he had been mourning his fate, dissolved in tears; declaring at the same time that dying in the service of ones country was not so desirable a business. Don Perez and the general now held a long consultation, and having sworn mutual hatred of the king and priests, agreed to join forces and seek his speedy overthrow. Don Perez also took charge of their letters and dispatches, which he promised to forward to Jollifee, a town on the coast, between which certain conspirators kept up a communication with New York.

Having restored the general and his secretary to a state of happiness, Don Perez took his departure, when they went quietly to bed, giving themselves no more trouble about the hanging, and entertaining only a slight misgiving as to the nature of the punishment subst.i.tuted. But of this they were made conscious when morning came. And here I venture to a.s.sert that not even the most famous inventor of prison discipline for once dreamed of so curious a mode of punishment as that I am about to describe, and which I seriously recommend as a cure that may be profitably applied to vagrants, idle politicians, and all such persons as live by destroying the peace of the community.

When breakfast was over, three solemn-faced priests, followed by two attendants, entered General Roger Potter's apartment, to the no small discomfiture of Mr. Tickler, to whose mind all the horrors of hanging suddenly returned. "Gentlemen," spoke one of the priests, "we are come to prepare your souls for the punishment which it has pleased our royal master to order." "Pray, your reverence, your royal master had better be mindful lest this punishment cost him his crown. But as you are humane gentlemen, be good enough to enlighten us as to what sort of punishment his Majesty has subst.i.tuted for the hanging?" inquired the now undaunted general.

"It is enjoined that we hold our peace," replied the priest; "but of the punishment you will know quick enough." And now, when the priests had prayed devoutly for the souls of the culprits, they accompanied them to a building bearing a strong resemblance to a Vermont corn-shed, where two attendants, having first stripped "the Amba.s.sador" and his secretary to their shirts, chained them back to back, and in this pitiful plight compelled them to sit on a huge block of ice, until it was dissolved. And when this punishment was inflicted, it was ordered by the king that they be conveyed beyond the limits of the state. "I know not what you think of this punishment, friend Tickler," said the general, evincing much discomfiture as he took his seat "but to my mind, this being condemned to sit on a block of ice until it dissolves, in nowise becomes my military position, to say nothing of my standing as a minister."

"Faith, your excellency, I begin to think we have both been well fooled, for the smart of this ingenious punishment is more than I have mettle to endure." Tickler had scarce uttered this sentence when he began to scream at the very top of his voice; and to declare the pain so acute that he would much prefer the hanging.

"I am fast coming to your way of thinking, friend Tickler," replied the general, as the priests began offering them consolation, "for every bone from the top of my head to the soul of my feet begins yielding to the pain, which feels as if ten thousand needles were shooting through me."

"Heavens!" exclaimed Tickler, "if your reverences will only relieve us from these torments, you may commend our souls to whom you please, for I have no ambition but to get home. If his excellency wants to die a great martyr, I have no objection!" Here Mr. Tickler relapsed into a state of melancholy, and gave vent to his feelings in a flood of tears. But the priests only looked grave, and would have offered them absolution without a change of countenance. "Bear up, bear up, friend;" rejoined general Potter, "and keep in mind that you suffer for your country's sake. It will soon be over, for the ice melts fast. And if you write not of this outrage, so that it shall fire every heart at home for revenge, then I am much mistaken in your capacity as a critic." Thus bitterly they lamented their fate, until the severity of the pain had well nigh exhausted their strength, and left them in a condition which will be described in the next chapter.

CHAPTER LII.

WHICH RECORDS SEVERAL AMUSING THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE ICE WAS DISSOLVED.

NOVEL as the punishment I have described in the previous chapter may appear to the grave reader, it was not without its severity. If any one doubt this, let him but try the experiment, and I warrant that a few seconds will be sufficient to convince him; and if he be of a merry turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try the experiment in his presence; but be sure that the performance takes place in the presence of not less than three priests, all of whom must preserve the most solemn demeanor. And now to the matter of the release.

When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were restored to their clothes, the general thanked the priests for their great kindness, and congratulated himself that this most remarkable event, which completely put to blush all the other events of his life, had in no way damped his ardor for great military exploits. "I have great discernment, Tickler," said the general, rubbing his haunches, "and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this envy of the king will cost him dearly. A little more strength at our backs, and I had made him dance to the tune of this sword of mine." "If your excellency would take my advice," replied Tickler, "he would get speedily home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should take it into his head to give us another melting down on the ice, I would not give a straw for either of our lives." An escort, mounted on mules and a.s.ses, now arrived and put an end to this dialogue, for it was the signal for the general and his secretary to pack up their alls. And this being done with the a.s.sistance of the priests, they were soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. Tickler on his mule,) and on their way to Jollifee, a small town on the coast, which they reached in due season, and where this remarkable plenipotentiary spent several months unmolested. I say unmolested, for in truth all trace of him, so far as the public were concerned, seemed to have been obliterated for a time; but he was in reality busying himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, for getting possession of the kingdom; as to Mr. Tickler, he betook himself to studying the language of the country, his want of which he discovered had nearly cost him his life.

While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarkable dispatches were transmitted to Washington, in all of which the general set forth the grievous injury done him, calling upon the government to take the matter seriously in hand. And as it had got to the ears of the senate at Washington that the administration had not only sent a fool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sundry grave senators demanded the production of these despatches, since they had a curious itching to peep into them. And as the president lost no time in complying with this polite request, and my desire to relieve the reader's impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one, which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole stock of honor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and reads as follows: "DISPATCH No. 3. "JOLLIFEE, in the Kingdom of Kalorama, October 14th, 18-. To His Hon. the Secretary of State for the United States.

"As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you will expect me to keep you advised of all that is going on. Before you read this, then, just run your eye over dispatches one and two, which, as you are no fool, will straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now, all the ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph with which I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the courtesy condescended by the king in providing shelter for us, was, as your honor will regret to hear, all deception. The king is an arrant knave, and the priests have so filled his head with evil thoughts that he burns to have a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel well enough toward us; and as to myself, they came to look upon me as the light of their deliverance. And with this advantage, I had resolved to show them that I was the man for their cause; for I am not to be terrified by a savage, and in acting the part of a good Christian we also serve G.o.d. Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, I squared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. But as your honor instructed me that it was the president's most anxious desire that I get as many of the king's islands as I could conveniently, I must tell you that no sooner had I touched on that point than he went right into a pa.s.sion, conducting himself very like a New York alderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what made the matter worse I had not a word of the language of the country at my tongue's end. But the king had not courage enough to execute the hanging, and so, after chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me to sit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I would have your honor know, is a punishment no man need envy. My great courage and the fact that it is an honor to die in the service of our country was all that saved me. And now, when you have let your patriotism boil, pray, consider this matter gravely; and don't forget to tell the president that with a few st.u.r.dy fellows at my back and I had made short work of the savage who has sent me into exile at this place, where I intend remaining for some time. With great consideration, I remain, &c., &c.,

"ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, Minister."

The reading of this curious doc.u.ment afforded the senate no little diversion, while to the government it was a fatal stab, for it discovered the queer order of intellects it had chosen to perform its offices abroad. It is scarcely necessary to add that the senate, though proverbially good natured, made it inc.u.mbent on the administration to recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day.

When then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped his fingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to heart, as is common with many of our venerable diplomatists, directed his secretary to say in reply, that although the office had not yet afforded him enough to pay his debts he freely relinquished it: indeed that having got better business he was glad enough to be rid of an office that had a dozen times nearly brought him to death's door.

The secret of this independence on the part of General Potter was soon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared against the government, and had taken the field against the king and his followers, with a band of rebels, bent on having revenge of the priests and possession of the kingdom: while in reply to sundry dispatches addressed to Glenmoregain, describing that he had made such movements as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, the general had received letters advising him of the shipment of a whole cargo of as good vagabonds as were to be had in the New York market.

In truth it was wonderful a see how credulous this opulent merchant was; and how readily he fell into all the visionary schemes for overthrowing governments that had their origin in the disordered brain of my hero. As for generals, the large-eyed merchant had consigned my hero no less than a whole mob, no two of whom could be found to agree on a single subject, if you except emptying the contents of a good bottle. And I verily believe had General Roger Potter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South Sea, Glenmoregain would have furnished him the means to get possession of it, though there was no earthly prospect of its yielding him a dollar profit.

And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, the general flattered himself that as he was clear of all diplomatic responsibilities, nothing now remained to put him in a position to have revenge of his enemies but the arrival of these fighting vagabonds and generals, at the head of whom he would, when mounted on old Battle, proceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who had proclaimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor Kaloramas.

For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, as also the battle of the banana hills, the greatest battle ever fought in modern times, the reader is referred to the next chapter.

CHAPTER LIII.

WHICH DESCRIBES THE ARRIVAL OF AN ARMY OF VAGABONDS; AND HOW THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS FOUGHT.

GENERAL POTTER was not kept long waiting for means to prove himself a great warrior, for the cargo of vagabonds, described so exultingly by Glenmoregain as of the choicest kind, arrived early one morning, and conducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded people of quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great excitement, and imagining them demons escaped from the infernal regions, took to their heels and ran terrified out of town. And this was regarded as a great blessing, for the vagabond army, numbering not less than five hundred, took possession of their houses and made clean work of their poultry yards, which fortunately for the Commander-in-chief were well stocked. But what pleased General Potter most was that Glenmoregain advised him of his intention to ship a dozen more just such cargoes, for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York, and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of.

And when they had sent terror and dismay to the hearts of the poor natives, and plundered their homes, and revelled to their heart's content, General Potter, feeling in every inch of him how great it was to be Commander-in-chief, directed that his generals appear before him, that he might consult with them concerning various projects of war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum- mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals and as many major-generals; not one of whom had ever scented the perfume of battle, for ill truth they were dilapidated politicians, and editors, whose lack of brains and love of the bottle had brought them to the very verge of distress. And when they had partaken of the General's good cheer, he addressed them as follows: "Gentlemen!

conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would have you listen with becoming gravity to what I have to say; for I am no fool, and intend to have satisfaction of this King for the insult he offered to our country in compelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then that I have resolved to make the penalty the loss of his kingdom; and as I see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how great is the undertaking. If we fail, why, then there will be enough to sneer at us; if we be victorious, then the valor of our arms will be sung and glorified in many lands. Remember that success closes malicious mouths. Be heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your wits not blunted; for I hold that there is no judgment so just as that of a country conferring honors upon the brave; and he who earns the glory shall have it. As to myself, you shall see more of me when the enemy affords me a chance. But forget not that my motto is: "Compositum jus fasque animi," which, seeing that you are all scholars, I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow we will march against the enemy, so let no man say he is sick."

The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, which I venture to a.s.sert was never excelled for originality, though many stranger addresses have been made by Commanders-in-Chief to their officers. Indeed they were not long in discovering all the weaknesses of the man, and questioned among themselves whether it were better to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for a fool and treat him accordingly. They however took their departure, promising that nothing should be left undone; in fine that his orders would be obeyed to the letter.

And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged his shoulders, and looking askant at his secretary, who had remained silent during the interview, said: "Honestly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have your opinion respecting these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem a set of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment." Whispering, with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, "and there is a flavor about them by no means agreeable. And unless I be a bad prophet, either the devil has been painting all their noses, or they have long been familiar with the bottle."

"Faith of the saints, if your excellency would know what I think of them, it is this-that, barring you have the capacity of Wellington and Napoleon combined, you will have your hands full in keeping these generals from making war upon one another; though you may find it difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemy appears."

"I have them in my power, Tickler," replied the general, giving his head a significant toss; "and if they keep not peace between themselves then I will order them all hanged. And as the rules of the service must not be broken, I will take good care that they show me that deference due to my high position. What is more, friend Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is an honor of no mean quality; and which is here conferred upon you out of respect to your great learning." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and stroked his beard, despondingly. "It is well enough to be judge, your excellency; but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to lavish upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I would prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget that our man has fed us on stolen provisions for these three weeks," replied Mr.

Tickler. An end was put to this dialogue by the general reminding Mr. Tickler that men of great learning ought always to be patriots, since history furnished proofs enough of their great endurance under poverty.

On the following day, the general mounted his faithful horse, and with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to review his army of vagabonds. And though he complimented them on the great perfection of their drill, and bid them esteem themselves the heroes of no end of victories, they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to take the first move in forming a section, though they could rob hen roosts and banana fields with a facility truly remarkable. And now, as the noon-day sun was oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the general ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, to say to the army that he would march at nightfall. And when nightfall came, the army commenced its march, and was followed by the general, who cut such a shabby figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the whole army was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the Commander-in-Chief afforded them an amount of amus.e.m.e.nt that quite compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a truthful historian I must not forget to mention that the general, like a good and discreet warrior, kept at a respectful distance in the rear, ordering at the same time that the country in advance be well scoured, lest some lurking portion of the enemy's army come upon them by surprise, doing serious damage before he could get his army in trim for making them dance again.

When they had travelled many miles, displaying great courage under all sorts of trials, the general suddenly discovered that he had lost his secretary, which sad misfortune he began to bewail in right good earnest. "I would have you know, Broadbottom," said he, addressing his second in command, "that the success of our undertaking will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great learning."