25.

Darling forced himself to look at Nykyrian's mobile. For a full minute, he couldn't breathe as he saw Zarya's battered, lifeless face and the cold, static writing around it that chronicled her last few hours of utter hell.

She'd told them nothing...

Even with their torture, which was plainly evident in the picture of her, she hadn't betrayed him or his friends. She could have destroyed them all and saved herself.

Or at least quickened her death.

She hadn't. To the very end, she'd been loyal to him...

Pain racked him in a way it never had before. His senses reeled as dizziness blurred his vision. It hurt so much and so deeply that he wasn't sure how he remained on his feet.

I failed her.

The one person in this world he should have protected above all others, had been brutalized and murdered by his enemies while he'd been powerless to find her and stop them.

In that one moment of soul-splintering agony, he had total clarity over what Zarya had gone through while she'd searched for Kere. No wonder she hadn't checked on him as a political prisoner under the care of her men. She'd been right. The fear and desperation were all consuming. That horrific need to find the one you loved while you imagined what was being done to them...

This awful, sickening sensation of knowing they were out there and you couldn't get to them while life went on. You still had to pay bills and attend to daily matters that seemed so trivial and inconsequential.

But they had to be done. The world didn't give a shit when you were aching and lost. When the one person you needed and loved most was no longer with you, it didn't affect them at all.

Only your world was shattered beyond repair.

And then the absolute, impotent anguish that came when you saw the confirmation of your worst fears...

He couldn't take his eyes off her battered face.

Damn you all!

This was so much worse than what they'd done to him. He would much rather be back in that room, having Pip feed him shit than to be here right now, knowing he'd never see Zarya again.

She's gone.

Forever...

Having lived solely for her, how could he go back to living without her? She had been the only light in his darkness. When he had been lost to a place so dismal not even Maris could pull him out, she alone had returned him to sanity and given him sunshine again.

And he'd wasted so much precious time with her letting his hurt stand between them.

If I could just have one more hour back...

He wouldn't squander it by holding past mistakes against her. Rather he would revel in the miracle that he'd had her at all. That somehow, against all odds, two lost and battered souls had found each other, and there for one moment in time, had managed to be happy together.

Why did I waste it?

Why?

Maris moved forward to hold him tight. "Breathe, baby. Just breathe."

Darling couldn't. Not while his soul screamed out in the bitterest agony he'd ever tasted. A thousand memories tore through him at once. He saw Zarya's eyes light and happy as she teased him late at night. Her face as she looked up at him with an adoration no one else had ever given him.

Not even Maris.

Anytime she glanced at him, there had been the most beautiful twitching of her lips as if she was trying not to smile. A joy in her gaze that had never failed to set him on fire.

And now the last image of her, the one that would haunt him forever, was of her bruised and bloodied. Of her amber eyes lifeless and empty...

Reality crashed over him and ripped him straight out of his body. He saw himself as if he were looking down on the small group. Drake's pale face was drawn, but vengeance glowed in his eyes. Ryn and Hauk stood behind Nykyrian wearing the same stoic expression Nykyrian held as they braced themselves for his reaction.

Maris stood behind him with one arm around his waist and the other wrapped around his shoulders. He had his forehead pressed against the back of Darling's head and he felt Maris's hot tears on his neck as his best friend trembled and wept from his own grief. It was a protective hug, the kind Darling had used with Drake and Lise when they were children and he'd wanted them to feel secure and safe in the midst of all hell busting loose.

But he didn't feel secure. And he had no right to feel safe. Not after he'd allowed the only woman he'd ever loved to leave his protection and be tortured to death.

The grief and misery inside was so great that it left him suddenly numb. It was as if his mind knew he couldn't handle the full magnitude of her loss. So it shielded him with a cloak of apathy.

He hadn't felt like this since the day his father had been buried and he'd realized nothing would ever be the same-that he would never be the same. The first time his life had shattered into a trillion jagged pieces that had lacerated every part of him, body and soul.

And he knew it wouldn't last. Sooner or later, his mind would drop the shield and all that pain would flood over him. Even sharper and deeper, until there was nothing left except a rage so foul it would challenge his sanity.

Zarya was dead.

It didn't seem possible. Yet there was no denying that photo. She was gone from him.

I'll never hear her voice again. Never wake up with her hand tangled in his hair.

Never again have her stick her cold feet on his back whenever she got in bed with him...

He would even miss the way she always stole food off his plate before he had a chance to taste it. Those things had made him snap at her. They'd made him crazy.

I would sell my soul to feel those icy feet shock my skin one more time...

How could the gods have done this to him? Had he not suffered enough in his wretched life? Was he not allowed one shred of happiness after all he'd been through?

Damn you all!

In that moment, he hated everyone and especially the gods who'd betrayed him. They weren't real. They weren't there. Or if they were, they didn't care. How could he have ever worshiped beings so callous?

How?

But most of all, he hated himself for his inability to locate Zarya in time to save her life. Hated himself for not being there for her when she'd left this existence.

How could he have failed her so completely?

There was no such thing as justice. Just as there was no such thing as compassion or decency. The universe was dark and it was cold. Life-sucking and demeaning.

Treacherous.

And he'd had enough of it.

Breaking away from Maris, he stormed down the hall, toward the landing bay.

"He took that better than I thought he would," Hauk said from behind Nykyrian.

But Maris knew the truth. "No, he didn't. He's going to his ship right now so that he can make a suicide run for my brother and the League."

Hauk started cursing in Andarion. "I would ask you to tell me he's not that stupid. But..." He looked at Syn and then Nykyrian. "We've been down this road before and I've seen the hell it leads to." He let out a disgusted sigh. "What happened to our calm, rational little buddy that we raised? You know? The guy who never reacted to anything until after he'd carefully thought it through?"

"He had the shit kicked out of him one time too many." A tic worked in Ryn's jaw. "This finally did him in."

"We've all been there," Nykyrian said under his breath.

Without another comment, Maris headed down the hall in the same direction as Darling. There was no way he was going to let Darling do this alone.

"Where are you going?" Drake called out after him.

Did he really have to explain? "He needs a wingman and point guard."

"Maris, wait!"

Had it been anyone other than Nykyrian who barked that order, he would have ignored them. But Maris had too much respect for the Andarion prince to blatantly disregard him.

"What?"

"Can you stand Darling down for about twenty minutes? Give us enough time to rally so that you two will have at least half a chance at surviving?"

That wasn't as easy as Nykyrian might think. In this current mood, Darling wouldn't be easy to talk sense into. Not that he faulted Darling for that.

The only person he knew who could stop Darling from this stupidity was lying in a League morgue.

Maris fought down his own tears. He'd grown to love her, too. While he'd never had a sister, he'd started calling her one. "I'll try."

Nykyrian nodded. "Good luck."

Yeah, he was going to need it.

Maris ran after Darling, hoping he could catch him before he launched. His heart was broken for him. But worse than that was the fact that he knew Darling would be dead before this day was out.

One way or another.

There was no way he'd come back here without Zarya. Maris could try to soothe him. But in the end, it wouldn't be enough. Nothing would ease the agony Darling held inside himself now. No amount of words. No amount of alcohol.

Nothing.

And the sad thing was, he knew he'd die with him. He understood what drove Darling more than he wanted to.

Without Darling in his life, he had no reason to live either. He'd already lost his entire family. Every friend he'd stupidly thought he had. Friends who'd tormented and mocked Darling for being something he wasn't while Maris had stood there and let them do it.

The guilt of his inaction would forever haunt him.

That won't be much longer now...

And he didn't mind at all. Zarya and Darling were the only ones who'd never judged him.

Darling, alone, had stood by him no matter what shit-storm ravaged him. He couldn't bear the thought of getting up in the morning and not seeing or at least speaking to Darling.

"Dar!" he called as he finally saw him in the landing bay.

Halfway to his ship, Darling froze at the sound of Maris's voice. Turning around, he frowned. Maris hated to run. He always had.

Yet he ran toward him as fast as he could.

"What are you doing, Mari?" he asked when Maris finally reached him.

Maris took a deep breath to slow his rapid breathing before he answered. "I'm going with."

Darling shook his head. It was bad enough he'd lost Zarya, he wasn't about to allow Maris to throw his life away, too. "No, you're not. You're staying here."

Defiance glared at him through those dark eyes. "Oh hell no, I'm not. And you can't stop me."

That was debatable, but he didn't want to fight with his best friend. He wanted to save his venom for the ones who deserved to die for their actions. "You don't understand, Mari."

"Yes, Darling, I do," he said emphatically. "I get it completely." His gaze steady and harsh, he put his hands on Darling's shoulders. "Through thick and thin, we're brothers to the bitter end. And if you're going to hell, buddy, I'm driving the bus."

Those sincere words touched him so deeply that they burned all the way to his soul. Finally, Darling felt the tears stinging his eyes. "I can't let you do this. I won't kill you, too."

"You didn't kill Zarya, and you have no choice." Maris pulled his arms away and pointed to the embroidery on the sleeve of his burgundy battlesuit. "Hello? Decorated war hero. I'm every bit as well trained as you are, and I trained longer. So move your skinny ass out of my way so that I can get to my ship and show you how it's done."

Darling didn't buy in to that arrogance for even a heartbeat. And he wasn't going to watch Maris die. Not today. "I'm serious, Maris. Stand down."

"So am I, Darling." Maris's gaze softened as he cupped Darling's face in his hands and forced him to look at him. "Don't you know that you are my Zarya? You always have been. I've been in love with you since the first day we met and you took a beating for me. Would you really ask me to watch you fly out of here, knowing you're going to die and do nothing about it? Really?"

Darling swallowed against the bitter lump in his throat. He'd always known how Maris felt about him. Just as he'd known that he was the reason why Maris had never been serious about anyone else. At times he'd taken advantage of that love and selfishly kept Maris with him when he shouldn't have. Kept him by his side instead of allowing Maris to move on and find someone else to dedicate his life to.

Still, Maris had stayed. Even though he knew that as close as they were, friendship was all they'd ever have.

A part of him hated what he'd selfishly done to Maris just so that he wouldn't be alone in his hell. So that he would have at least one person he could depend on without question or fail.

And he did love Maris. He did. But not like that. Not the way he loved Zarya.

Closing his eyes, Darling laid his hand over the one Maris had on his left cheek-the cheek that still bore the external scars that marred him soul deep. "The gods fucked us both, didn't they?"