"How come we never had children, Barbara?" I asked.

"You said you needed to concentrate on your career." Her response was immediate and unrehearsed, and I realized that she believed it. An appalling silence filled my head, an arctic calm.

"I never said that," I assured her. The very thought of it was absurd. I had sacrificed more than enough to the hollow idol of my law career. I would never give up the idea of children.

"You most certainly did," Barbara said. "I remember it clearly. You wanted to concentrate on the practice."

"Every time I brought up children, Barbara, you told me that you weren't ready yet. You changed the subject. If it had been up to me, we'd have five by now."

Strange awareness moved across her face, a shadow of understanding. "Maybe it was Ezra," she said, then jerked, as if stunned that she had actually said the words.

"'Maybe it was Ezra'?" I repeated.

"That's not what I meant," she said, but it was too late. I knew what she meant, and suddenly my ears roared, a cacophony that threatened to knock me from my chair.

Maybe it was Ezra.

Maybe . . . it . . . was . . . Ezra.

I gaped at my wife as if from a distance and I understood. Ezra wanted me to carry on his tradition of greatness. She wanted me to make more money. Children would distract me. Children would distract me. Her features rippled into something that terrified me. Wife and father had conspired to rob me of my children and I'd let them do it, as plodding and dumb as any farm animal. The clarity overwhelmed me. I stumbled from my chair, her voice a distant buzz. Somehow, I found the bottle of scotch and poured a full tumbler. Barbara was looking at me. Her lips moved, and then she walked to the kitchen on a stranger's legs. Time stood still as she rinsed plates, loaded the dishwasher, and wiped down the counter. She looked at me as she worked, as if worried that I might disappear. But I could not move; there was no one to lead me. I think I laughed at that. Her features rippled into something that terrified me. Wife and father had conspired to rob me of my children and I'd let them do it, as plodding and dumb as any farm animal. The clarity overwhelmed me. I stumbled from my chair, her voice a distant buzz. Somehow, I found the bottle of scotch and poured a full tumbler. Barbara was looking at me. Her lips moved, and then she walked to the kitchen on a stranger's legs. Time stood still as she rinsed plates, loaded the dishwasher, and wiped down the counter. She looked at me as she worked, as if worried that I might disappear. But I could not move; there was no one to lead me. I think I laughed at that.

When she finally came for me, I was drunk beyond words, lost in depths I never believed could exist. Stolen! The children I'd always wanted, the family I'd looked forward to since college. By those I should trust the most, my life had been stolen from me. And I'd let it happen. Call it blind trust. Call it cowardice. Call it the complicity of inaction. I shared the guilt, and the enormity of that fact overwhelmed me.

As if through fog, my wife's hand reached for me. She led me to the bedroom, put me down, and stood before me. Her lips moved and the words followed sometime later. "Don't worry, darling. We'll figure it all out. I'm sure Ezra provided." Her words made little sense.

She undressed, hanging her top carefully before turning back to present her breasts to me like manna from some other man's heaven. She slipped off her skirt, revealing legs of carved bronze. She was a statue brought to life, a trophy for good behavior. Her fingers found the fasteners of the clothes that should have armored me but didn't; she took my pants with a victor's smile, told me to relax, and knelt before me. I knew this was wrong but hid behind closed eyes as she spoke in tongues and wove spells of terrible power; so I surrendered myself, and in surrender knew the damnation of the utterly corrupt.

CHAPTER 10.

Sunday morning, early, I cracked my eyes to cold gray light. It stole under the blinds to touch the bed but left most of the room dark. Barbara slept beside me, her leg sweaty against my own. I edged to the far side of the bed and held myself still. I felt fragile. Glue bound my eyelids, and the tongue that filled my mouth tasted like something long dead. I thought of the brutal truths so often borne on predawn light. I'd had a few in my time, and they'd all led to this. I was a stranger to myself. I'd gone to law school for my father, married for my father; and for that same man, and for the vile woman who shared my bed, I'd surrendered my dreams of family-my very soul. Now he was dead and all I had was this truth: My life was not my own. It belonged to an empty shell that wore my face. Yet I refused to pity myself.

I lifted my head to peer at Barbara: sleep-matted hair, creased skin, open mouth that glistened on the inside. My face twisted at the sight, but still, even on this dawn of revelation, I had to acknowledge her beauty. But I hadn't married her for her looks; I could tell myself that and believe it. I'd married her for her intensity, her energy. The tail wind of her convictions had swept me into her wake: She would make the perfect wife and only a fool would let her go. Somehow I'd come to believe that, and I thought that now I knew the ugly reasons why. Vanessa had said it: I married her for Ezra. Jesus.

My feet found the floor and I groped my way out of the room. In the laundry room, I found a pair of dirty jeans and some flip-flops. I collected the telephone and a pack of cigarettes and sat on the front porch. Mist was over the park and it was cold. I shivered as I lit up and blew smoke at the world. Nothing moved, and in the stillness I felt very much alive. I dialed Vanessa's number. Her machine answered and I knew that she was already out of bed, barefoot in the wet grass. As I waited for the beep, I decided to tell her the truth: that she was right and that I was sorry. Not that I loved her. Not yet. That had to be face-to-face, and I wasn't ready. There were other issues there, stuff that had nothing to do with truth or with the fact that my life was a mess. But I did want her to know that I understood. That she was right and I was wrong. So I let it all out. The words were just words, a pale start all in all, but they had to count for something. As I turned the phone off, I felt good. I had no idea what the future held, but I didn't care.

So I sat and I smoked, and something moved inside me that I recognized from a long, long time ago. The sun rose and put its warm red fingers upon me, and for a moment I was at peace. Then I felt Barbara's presence and she stepped through the door.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Smoking," I said, and didn't bother to turn around.

"It's six-forty-five in the morning."

"Is it?"

"Look at me, Work."

I turned around. She stood in the open door, wrapped in a fleece robe. Her hair was a mess, eyes puffy above a miserly mouth. I knew that her thoughts, like mine, were on last night. "What are you thinking?" she asked.

I gave Barbara my eyes as a warning, but I knew that she could not decipher even that pale message. She'd have to know me to get it, and we were strangers. So I gave her my thoughts, spelled them out in flat black letters that any moron could read. "I'm thinking that my life has been hijacked, held for ransom that I could never pay. I'm looking at a world that I've never seen before and wondering how the hell I got here."

"Now you're being silly," she said, and smiled like she could play this off.

"I don't know you, Barbara, and I wonder if I ever did."

"Come back to bed," she commanded.

"I don't think so."

"It's freezing out here."

"It's colder inside."

Her frown deepened. "That hurts, Work."

"I've figured out that truth often does," I said, and turned my back to her. In the distance, a man was walking toward us along the street. He wore a long trench coat and a hunting cap.

"Are you coming or not?" she insisted.

"I think I'll go for a walk," I told her.

"You're half-naked," she said.

I turned and smiled at her. "Yes," I said. "Isn't that a hoot?"

"You're frightening me," she said.

I turned back to watch my park walker and felt her step out onto the porch. For a long minute, she stared down at me, and I could only imagine what she might be thinking. Suddenly, her hands were on my shoulders, her fingers kneading me. "Come to bed," she said in her voice of oiled silk and bedroom pleasures.

"I'm awake now," I told her, meaning it in so many ways. "You go." I felt her hands withdraw, and she stood silently-angry, puzzled, or both. She'd spread her angel's wings, offered to lift me up, and I'd shot her down. Where would she go now? What lever could she trust to move me when the last resort of ready flesh had failed her in the end? I knew only that quiet retreat was not an option for her.

"Who've you been talking to?" she asked, a new edge in her voice. I glanced at the phone at my side, thought of Vanessa Stolen, and marveled coldly at my perspicacity.

"Nobody."

"May I have the phone?"

I took another drag.

"The phone," she insisted.

When I looked at her, I saw what I expected to see, thin lips in a face gone pale. "Do you really want to do this?" I asked.

In one movement, she stooped and snatched up the phone. I didn't try to stop her. She pushed the redial button and I turned away, to the strange man in his long coat. He drew nearer, his eyes downcast, his face all but hidden. I wondered if Vanessa would answer and hoped not; beyond that, I felt nothing, not anger or fear, not even regret. I heard Barbara disconnect, and her voice, when she spoke, was tight with anger. "I thought you were done with her."

"I thought so, too."

"How long?" she demanded.

"I don't want to talk about this, Barbara. Not now." I climbed slowly to my feet, hoping as I turned that I would see tears in my wife's eyes, anything to show that she felt more than wounded pride. "I'm tired. I'm hung over."

"Whose fault is that?" she snapped.

I pushed out a deep breath. "I'm going for that walk," I told her. "We can talk later if you still want to."

"Don't walk away from me!"

"Walking won't put any more distance between us."

"Oh. So now your adultery is my fault."

"I'm not talking about this now," I told her.

"I may not be here when you get back," she threatened. I stopped halfway down the steps.

"Do what you have to do, Barbara. Nobody can blame you for that, me least of all." I turned away from her heavy breathing and started down the sidewalk, heading toward the street and the park, which shimmered with cold dew.

"She's a dirty little whore. I've never understood your obsession with her," Barbara said to my back, her voice climbing. "Never!" The last word was a shout.

"Careful, Barbara," I said without turning to face her. "The neighbors will hear." I heard the door slam and imagined that she'd locked it, too. I didn't care. My life dropped away as I stepped off the property and onto the sidewalk. I was a man, like any other. I had taken action, stood my ground. I felt real and it felt good.

At the bottom of the yard, I waited for this man I'd seen a thousand times yet never really met. I got a better look at him as he approached. He was magnificently unattractive, with melted features and a grimace that pulled his lip over brown teeth, which showed only on the right side of his face. He wore grimy glasses with thick black frames and his hair hung limply from beneath the hunting cap.

"Mind if I walk with you?" I asked as he came level with me. He stopped and tilted his head at me. Green irises swam in a yellow sea and his voice, when he spoke, was a smoker's voice. I heard the same heavy accent.

"Why?"

There was distrust there.

"Just because," I said. "Just to talk."

"Still a free country." He resumed his walking and I fell into step with him.

"Thanks."

I felt his eyes on my naked chest. "I'm not gay," he said.

"Me neither."

He grunted, said nothing.

"You're not my type anyway."

He barked a laugh that ended with a snort of approval. "A smart-ass, huh? Who'd have thought?"

We walked down the sidewalk, past the big houses and the length of the park. A few cars were on the streets and some kids were feeding the ducks. The morning mist was slowly burning off the lake.

"I've seen you," he finally said to me. "Seen you for years-sittin' up there on your porch. Must be one heck of a view."

I didn't know what to say to that. "It's a good place to watch the world pass by, I guess."

"Hmph. Better you should pass through the world."

I stopped walking.

"What?" he asked.

"A blinding flash of the obvious," I told him.

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning I think you are a very smart man."

"Yes," he said. "I think you are right." He laughed at my expression. "Come on. We'll walk and you can compliment me. It's a good plan."

"I know your name," I said as we left the park behind and moved toward Main Street and the poor neighborhoods that lined the tracks beyond.

"That right?"

"I just heard it around. Maxwell Creason, right?"

"Just Max."

I held out my hand and he stopped, forcing me to stop alongside him. He held my eyes for an instant, then lifted up his hands to hold in front of my face. The fingers were broken and bent, twisted into claws, and I saw with horror that most of the nails had been ripped off.

"Jesus," I said.

"You know my name," he said. "And I don't mean any offense when I say this, but let's just leave it at that."

"What happened?" I asked.

"Look, I'm glad to talk to you-God knows, it's been long enough-but I don't reckon I know you well enough to talk about that."

I stared down at his hands. They hung like deadwood at the ends of his arms.

"But . . ." I started.

"Why do you care?" he asked sharply.

"You interest me."

"Why?"