"Not even myself, apparently," he said with self-pity.

"So Martha is just going to be fired?" Henry asked.

"No one wants a practice house program," Dr. Gardner said impatiently. "This is 1963. Haven't you heard? Women want to be liberated from all that."

"She has this idea that she could go on living there if it became an art studio," Henry said.

Dr. Gardner shook his head. "That'll never fly," he said. "Never. The best I can do is to try to persuade them to let her keep a room upstairs. And I was planning on doing that anyway."

Dr. Gardner reached into his inside breast pocket for a leather case, from which he extracted a cigar. Henry noticed that his hand was shaking.

"One more thing," Dr. Gardner said, and Henry turned back to see him scratch at the corner of his mouth with a shaking index finger.

"What is it?" Henry asked.

"Your mother," he said. "Have you heard anything from your mother?"

"No," Henry said, immediately debating whether to ask the next question. "Have you?" he finally said.

"No," Dr. Gardner said, a pained look crossing his face. "I guess she's given us both up," he said, which was the closest he had ever come, or ever would, to acknowledging that Henry and he were related.

MARY JANE APPEARED on Sat.u.r.day morning and insisted she drive Henry to the station.

"I've got a taxi coming," he said.

"Oh, Henry. Come on. So I didn't tell you I was going to Berkeley. Let's call it even, okay?"

"Okay," he said. "We're even."

She looked away, and when she looked back, Henry could see that she was crying. Her nose was red, and tears ran from her good eye. "Does your other eye cry?" Henry asked her.

"What?"

"Does your other eye cry?"

The question was so ridiculous, so inappropriate to the moment, that Mary Jane stared at him, and then they both burst out laughing.

BACK AT THE STUDIO, there was a major push to complete Mary Poppins. Mary Poppins. The opening was supposed to be in August of 1964, and there was still far too much to be done. A new cla.s.s of in-betweeners had been hired, and both Henry and Chris took deliberate pleasure in watching their relative inexperience. The hours of the working days changed, so that there were weekend and evening shifts as well. In February, Henry was switched from the penguin waiters to Jane's pink carousel horse, and then, in March, to the bouquet of Mary's flowers that turned into b.u.t.terflies. The opening was supposed to be in August of 1964, and there was still far too much to be done. A new cla.s.s of in-betweeners had been hired, and both Henry and Chris took deliberate pleasure in watching their relative inexperience. The hours of the working days changed, so that there were weekend and evening shifts as well. In February, Henry was switched from the penguin waiters to Jane's pink carousel horse, and then, in March, to the bouquet of Mary's flowers that turned into b.u.t.terflies.

Throughout the spring, Henry worked longer hours than he ever had and spent less time with the women. Fiona understood, because at the Nunnery, she was equally busy. Annie was hurt, and Cindy was outright angry.

"You're not the guy I thought you were," she complained to him on a night in late May when they'd spent the evening in bed and he had gotten dressed to go home.

"I'm not the guy anyone thinks I am," he said.

HE HAD BEEN PRETENDING to be eighteen for more than a year, so as his actual birthday approached, Henry found he was less happy than relieved about its arrival. He did not particularly wish to celebrate, but with some bygone, formless longing, he felt the need for attention, too.

It was Fiona who took him to dinner that night. This was not because he had decided he liked her best, and he certainly didn't love her. It was simply because she'd been the first one to ask. He might have preferred to go with Annie or Cindy. He had even thought about taking out a girl named Coco, whom he had just met at the market. Annie, perhaps, knew enough not to ask him if he wasn't asking her. And Cindy did ask, but as soon as he said he couldn't, she said she'd forgotten that she had other plans as well.

All three of them gave him presents, though. Fiona's was the dinner, and a cel she had painted of her own design: a hideous abstraction that Henry knew he was supposed to find deep.

"Thanks," he said.

"You don't like it," she said.

"Of course I like it," he said. "And I like you for making it."

From Cindy he received a trio of sleazy paperbacks called s.e.x Hop, s.e.x Atlas, s.e.x Hop, s.e.x Atlas, and and s.e.x Pack. s.e.x Pack. It was clear that she thought her boldness would delight and inspire him. It was clear that she thought her boldness would delight and inspire him.

"Thanks," he said.

"You don't like them," she said.

"Of course I like them," he said. "And I like you for getting them."

For her part, Annie had knitted him a scarf.

"Thanks," he said.

"You don't like it," she said.

"Of course I like it."

"Then why do you look so annoyed?"

"Because you spent too much time on this," he said.

"But Henry. I wanted to."

"You have better things to do," he said.

The effect on her was as immediate as if Mark Harburg had just asked her to change poses. Her eyes narrowed; her shoulders sank-so much that he felt he had to do something to open her eyes again, lift her shoulders. He stood looking down at her, and then he used the scarf to circle her neck and bring her in close, just as he'd seen some student do at Humphrey so long ago. He kissed her.

"You don't love me, do you?" she asked him.

"I couldn't love anyone more," he said, which was not exactly a lie.

4.

To Help the Medicine Go Down By now, Henry had imagined the phone call many times, but in his imagination, it had always been Dr. Gardner calling to tell him that Martha was dead. Somehow, he had not counted on an illness, with all the attendant demands and the guilt and dread. And he had not counted on Martha herself being the one to deliver the news.

"It's cancer," she said to him on the phone. It was the evening of August 27, the evening of the Mary Poppins Mary Poppins premiere. Her timing was perfect, he thought bitterly. premiere. Her timing was perfect, he thought bitterly.

"What kind of cancer?"

"Does it matter?" Martha said.

"Yes it matters."

"It's everywhere, Hanky."

She sounded almost relieved, or perhaps that was only his imagination.

"Will you come see me? I'm going to die."

"Have you gotten a second opinion?"

"I don't need a second opinion."

"Have they told you how long you've got?"

"Not long."

"Have they told you?"

"Henry. Don't make this hard for me."

HE HUNG UP AND WAS somewhat surprised to discover that the office was nearly empty. He had been on the phone for only ten minutes, and almost everyone was gone-either off to dress for the premiere or to go home early.

Henry walked through the bullpen, hands in his pockets as always, proudly surveying the storyboards for some of the films that were being developed. He imagined for a moment what it would feel like to be Walt tonight, what it would feel like to be Walt on any night.

With the light coming in the windows where the shutters had not been drawn, Henry walked back to his own desk and saw that someone had left a present for him, a six-inch-long box wrapped in the Mickey Mouse paper that usually adorned all studio gifts.

Inside was a silver spoon with Mary Poppins and her umbrella engraved on the handle.

"Something to help the medicine go down," Walt had written on a slip of celluloid, above his famous signature.

For a moment-and it lasted only as long as it took Henry to walk once more around the bullpen-he inhabited a world in which his secrets, fears, and wishes were somehow magically understood. The moment ended when he pa.s.sed Chris's desk and saw an identical box on it, and then on all the others.

The spoon, obviously, had nothing to do with the specific pain that Henry or anyone else was likely to go through, now or ever. And though each note was indeed hand-lettered and signed, Henry should have been the first to recognize that in a world of animators and in-betweeners, that meant absolutely nothing, either. It was an opening-night memento, lovely and kind, but produced in bulk for everyone who had had even the slightest thing to do with the film.

For those who had had more than slight things to do, there was, instead of a commemorative spoon, a coveted ticket to the old-fashioned gala opening at Grauman's Chinese Theatre, where giant Disney characters stood curbside, greeting guests in black tie and gowns. The festivities were being aired locally, so when Henry got home, he nursed a gla.s.s of wine and watched the broadcast on TV. A trainload of balloons was released into the night sky. Actors were dressed as British bobbies and English music-hall singers, and various Hollywood reporters milled about.

"They tell me this could be one of your biggest pictures, Mr. Disney," one interviewer said.

"Well, I haven't retired yet, you know," Disney said. "You never know what's coming."

THE THING WITH WOMEN had become so easy. It took remarkably little for Henry to figure out how to get them. Part of his success, he knew, was the certainty of success itself. It never occurred to him that any of them would be ungettable. It was merely a matter of working out the steps from apart apart to to together together-just like the steps in in-betweening.

For all his facility, Henry was not exactly cynical, and his confidence was so justified that most of the time it readily pa.s.sed for charisma instead of conceit.

Mary Jane was the notable exception to this pattern, and in the days following Henry's conversation with Martha, he realized how frequently he was thinking about her. He wasn't sure why. Perhaps they really had evened the score. Perhaps it was all their history: Other than Martha and, if you counted him, Dr. Gardner, Mary Jane had been the only person who had known him throughout his life.

As he flew east on the last day of August-this time it was Martha who had paid for his airfare-he thought about Mary Jane, seeing her in sequential, but recessive, snapshots: skinny and slim-hipped and piratelike, laughing in the car after his question about her uncrying eye; pudgy and square and brutal on the day he had asked her to marry him; s.e.xy in the photograph she had sent him at Humphrey; earnest in their grade school coatroom, listening intently as he told her about his real mother; and then finally, unavoidably, the sight of her blindfolded and bloodied, feeling for the car door-and then giggling in her hospital bed, bound to him forever by how each had forever been harmed.

"I'M SORRY," HE SAID TO HER, walking through the campus at Wilton the morning after he landed.

"For what?" she asked.

"For your eye," he said.

"Oh. That. You mean the crying thing?"

"No. Not the crying thing. I mean, your eye."

"Oh."

"You know, I wasn't even really throwing the block at you." you."

"Yes you were, Henry."

"I think I was just mad."

"You didn't want to play castle."

"That's right."

"And you didn't want to have to choose between Annabel and me," she said.

"And you said there couldn't be more than one Miss Fancy," he said.

"Do you want to choose now?" Mary Jane asked.

"Sometimes."

"Anyone in particular?"

So he told her about his three women. About Annie's delicacy, Cindy's sa.s.s, and the haughtiness of Fiona's smile. He told her about his vague, distracted guilt and his annoyance-really unchanged since nursery school-whenever one of them tried to make a greater claim on him than the others.

Imparting this kind of information was new to Henry, a discovery as concrete and startling as if someone had just revealed for him a new room in the house he had lived in for years.

MARTHA, MEANWHILE, seemed to sag more noticeably when Henry walked into any room where she was. Henry knew that she hadn't invented her illness. Two mornings after his arrival at Wilton, he had gone with her to her doctor's appointment and heard firsthand the litany of her symptoms, tests, results, and the doctor's unequivocal conclusion. But the doctor had also given no hint of a time frame. In fact, he had repeated-not only for Martha's benefit but also when she was out of the room-that some people could live for years with her type of cancer, which he called Hodgkin's disease. He said Martha might easily have had it for years as well.

At the end of his first day home, Henry understood that Martha would die from this cancer and that, before she did, she would use it at every possible turn to keep him close to her side. The claim upon him was nearly as strong as the rage it inspired.

5.

It's Called a Toke Henry first called Mary Jane at Berkeley on a Friday in October, but he had to leave her ten messages before she called him back. It was early November by then, and she was breathless with tales of the Free Speech Movement and her own raging debate about whether to join in with the protesters or simply write about them. This was a topic that kept her occupied-and, to Henry, somewhat more remote than he wanted-throughout the rollicking fall of '64 and the winter of '65. Mary Jane organized and pet.i.tioned and took part in the campus sit-in and didn't actually ask Henry to visit her until the middle of March.