Those words stuck with me. Mauma didn't want that cloth, she just wanted to make some trouble. She couldn't get free and she couldn't pop missus on the back of her head with a cane, but she could take her silk. You do your rebellions any way you can.

Sarah.

On Easter, we Grimkes rode to St. Philip's Episcopal Church beneath the Pride of India trees that lined both sides of Meeting Street. I'd asked for a spot in the open-air Sulky with Father, but Thomas and Frederick snared the privilege, while I was stuck in the carriage with Mother and the heat. The air oozed through slits that pa.s.sed for windows, blowing in thinly peeled wisps. I pressed my face against the opening and watched the splendor of Charleston sweep by: bright single houses with their capacious verandas, flower boxes bulging on row houses, clipped jungles of tropical foliage-oleander, hibiscus, bougainvillea.

"Sarah, I trust you're prepared to give your first lesson," Mother said. I'd recently become a new teacher in the Colored Sunday School, a cla.s.s taught by girls, thirteen years and older, but Mother had prodded Reverend Hall to make an exception, and for once her overbearing nature had yielded something that wasn't altogether repugnant.

I turned to her, feeling the burn of privet in my nostrils. ". . . Yes . . . I studied v-very hard."

Mary mocked me, protruding her eyes in a grotesque way, mouthing, ". . . V-v-very hard," which caused Ben to snicker.

She was a menace, my sister. Lately, the pauses in my speech had diminished and I refused to let her faze me. I was about to do something useful for a change, and even if I hemmed and hawed my way through the entire cla.s.s, so be it. At the moment, I was more concerned I had to teach it paired with Mary.

As the carriage neared the market, the noise mounted and the sidewalks began to overflow with Negroes and mulattoes. Sunday was the slaves' only day off, and they thronged the thoroughfares-most were walking to their masters' churches, required to show up and sit in the balconies-but even on regular days, the slaves dominated the streets, doing their owners' bidding, shopping the market, delivering messages and invitations for teas and dinner parties. Some were hired out and trekked back and forth to work. Naturally, they nicked a little time to fraternize. You could see them gathered at street corners, wharves, and grog shops. The Charleston Mercury railed against the "unsupervised swarms" and called for regulations, but as Father said, as long as a slave possessed a pa.s.s or a work badge, his presence was perfectly legitimate.

Snow had been apprehended once. Instead of waiting by the carriage while we were in church, he'd driven it about the city with no one inside-a kind of pleasure ride. He'd been taken to the Guard House near St. Michael's. Father was furious, not at Snow, but at the City Guard. He stormed down to the mayor's court and paid the fine, keeping Snow from the Work House.

A glut of carriages on c.u.mberland Street prevented us from drawing closer to the church. The onslaught of people who attended services only on Eastertide incensed Mother, who saw to it the Grimkes were in their pew every dull, common Sunday of the year. Snow's gravelly voice filtered to us from the driver's seat. "Missus, yawls has to walk from here," and Sabe swung open the door and lifted us down, one by one.

Our father was already striding ahead, not a tall man, but he looked imposing in his gray coat, top hat, and cravat of silk surah. He had an angular face with a long nose and profuse brows that curled about the ledge of his forehead, but what made him handsome in my mind was his hair, a wild concoction of dark, auburn waves. Thomas had inherited the rich brown-red color, as had Anna and little Charles, but it had come to me in the feeble shade of persimmons and my brows and lashes were so pale they seemed to have been skipped over altogether.

The seating arrangement inside St. Philip's was a veritable blueprint of Charleston status, the elite vying to rent pews down front, the less affluent in the back, while the pointblank poor cl.u.s.tered on free benches along the sides. Our pew, which Father rented for three hundred dollars a year, was a mere three rows from the altar.

I sat beside Father, cradling his hat upside down on my lap, catching a waft of the lemon oil he used to domesticate his locks. Overhead, in the upper galleries, the slaves began their babble and laughter. It was a perennial problem, this noise. They found boldness in the balcony the way they found it on the streets, from their numbers. Recently, their racket had escalated to such a degree that monitors had been placed in the balconies as deterrents. Despite them, the rumblings grew. Then, thwack. A cry. Parishioners swung about, glaring upward.

By the time Reverend Hall mounted the pulpit, a full-scale hubbub had broken out at the rafters. A shoe sailed over the balcony and plummeted down. A heavy boot. It landed on a lady midway back, toppling her hat and concussing her head.

As the shaken lady and her family left the sanctuary, Reverend Hall pointed his finger toward the far left balcony and moved it in a slow circle clockwise. When all was silent, he quoted a scripture from Ephesians, reciting from memory. "Slaves, be obedient to them that are your masters, with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as unto Christ." Then he made what many, including my mother, would call the most eloquent extemporization on slavery they'd ever heard. "Slaves, I admonish you to be content with your lot, for it is the will of G.o.d! Your obedience is mandated by scripture. It is commanded by G.o.d through Moses. It is approved by Christ through his apostles, and upheld by the church. Take heed, then, and may G.o.d in his mercy grant that you will be humbled this day and return to your masters as faithful servants."

He walked back to his chair behind the chancel. I stared down at Father's hat, then up at him, stricken, confused, stupefied even, trying to understand what I should think, but his face was a blank, implacable mask.

After the service, I stood in a small, dingy cla.s.sroom behind the church while twenty-two slave children raced about in anarchy. Upon entering the dim, airless room, I'd flung open the windows only to set us adrift in tree pollen. I sneezed repeatedly as I rapped the edge of my fan on the desk, trying to install order. Mary sat in the only chair in the room, a dilapidated Windsor, and watched me with an expression perfectly situated between boredom and amus.e.m.e.nt.

"Let them play," she told me. "That's what I do."

I was tempted. Since the reverend's homily, I had little heart for the lesson.

A pile of dusty, discarded kneeling cushions were heaped in the back corner, the needlepoint frayed beyond repair. I a.s.sumed they were for the children to sit on, as there wasn't a stick of furniture in the room other than the teacher's desk and chair. No curriculum leaflets, picture books, slate board, chalk, or adornment for the walls.

I laid the kneeling cushions in rows on the floor, which started a game of kicking them about like b.a.l.l.s. I'd been told to read today's scripture and elaborate on its meaning, but when I finally succeeded in getting the children perched on the cushions and saw their faces, the whole thing seemed a travesty. If everyone was so keen to Christianize the slaves, why weren't they taught to read the Bible for themselves?

I began to sing the alphabet, a new little learning-ditty. A B C D E F G . . . Mary looked up surprised, then sighed and returned to her state of apathy. H I J K L M N O P . . . There had never been hesitation in my voice when I sang. The children's eyes glittered with attention, Q R S . . . T U V . . . W X . . . Y and Z.

I cajoled them to sing it in sections after me. Their p.r.o.nunciations were lacking. Q came out coo, L M as ellem. Oh, but their faces! Such grins. I told myself when I returned next time, I would bring a slate board and write out the letters so they could see them as they sang. I thought then of Hetty. I'd seen the disarrangement of books on my desk and knew she explored them in my absence. How she would love to learn these twenty-six letters!

After half a dozen rounds, the children sang with gusto, half-shouting. Mary plugged her ears with her fingers, but I sang full-pitch, using my arms like conductor sticks, waving the children on. I did not see Reverend Hall in the doorway.

"What appalling mischief is going on here?" he said.

We halted abruptly, leaving me with the dizzy sense the letters still danced chaotically in the air over our heads. My face turned its usual flamboyant colors.

". . . . . . . . . We were singing, Reverend Sir."

"Which Grimke child are you?" He'd baptized me as a baby, just as he had all my siblings, but one could hardly expect him to keep us straight.

"She's Sarah," Mary said, leaping to her feet. "I had no part in the song."

". . . . . . I'm sorry we were boisterous," I told him.

He frowned. "We do not sing in Colored Sunday School, and we most a.s.suredly do not sing the alphabet. Are you aware it is against the law to teach a slave to read?"

I knew of this law, though vaguely, as if it had been stored in a root cellar in my head and suddenly dug up like some moldy yam. All right, it was the law, but it struck me as shameful. Surely he wouldn't claim this was G.o.d's will, too.

He waited for me to answer, and when I didn't, he said, "Would you put the church in contradiction of the law?"

The memory of Hetty that day when Mother caned her flashed through my mind, and I raised my chin and glared at him, without answering.

Handful.

What came next was a fast, bitter wind.

Monday, after we got done with devotions, Aunt-Sister took mauma aside. She said missus had a friend who didn't like floggings and had come up with the one-legged punishment. Aunt-Sister went to a lot of trouble to draw us a picture of it. She said they wind a leather tie round the slave's ankle, then pull that foot up behind him and hitch the tie round his neck. If he lets his ankle drop, the tie chokes his throat.

We knew what she was telling us. Mauma sat down on the kitchen house steps and laid her head flat against her knees.

Tomfry was the one who came to strap her up. I could see he didn't want any part of it, but he wasn't saying so. Missus said, "One hour, Tomfry. That will do." Then she went inside to her window perch.

He led mauma to the middle of the yard near the garden where tiny shoots had just broke through the dirt. All us were out there huddled under the spreading tree, except Snow who was off with the carriage. Rosetta started wailing. Eli patted her arm, trying to ease her. Lucy and Phoebe were arguing over a piece of cold ham left from breakfast, and Aunt-Sister went over there and smacked them both cross their faces.

Tomfry turned mauma so she was facing the tree with her back to the house. She didn't fight. She stood there limp as the moss on the branches. The scent of low tide coming from the harbor was everywhere, a rotted smell.

Tomfry told mauma, "Hold on to me," and she rested her hand on his shoulder while he bound her ankle with what looked like an old leather belt. He pulled it up behind her so she was standing on one leg, then he wound the other end of the strap round her throat and buckled it.

Mauma saw me hanging on to Binah, my lips and chin trembling, and she said, "You ain't got to watch. Close your eyes."

I couldn't do it, though.

After he got her trussed up, Tomfry moved off so she couldn't grab on to him, and she took a hard spill. Split the skin over her brow. When she hit the ground, the strap yanked tight and mauma started choking. She threw back her head and gulped for air. I ran to help her, but the tat-tat, tat-tat of missus' cane landed on the window, and Tomfry pulled me away and got mauma to her feet.

I closed my eyes then, but what I saw in the dark was worse as the real thing. I cracked my eyes and watched her trying to keep her leg from dropping down and cutting off her air, fighting to stay upright. She set her eyes on top of the oak tree. Her standing leg quivered. Blood from her head-cut ran down her cheek. It clung to her jaw like rain on the roof eave.

Don't let her fall anymore. That's the prayer I said. Missus told us G.o.d listened to everybody, even a slave got a piece of G.o.d's ear. I carried a picture of G.o.d in my head, a white man, bearing a stick like missus or going round dodging slaves the way master Grimke did, acting like he'd sired a world where they don't exist. I couldn't see him lifting a finger to help.

Mauma didn't fall again, though, and I reckoned G.o.d had lent me an ear, but maybe that ear wasn't white, maybe the world had a colored G.o.d, too, or else it was mauma who kept her own self standing, who answered my prayer with the strength of her limbs and the grip of her heart. She never whimpered, never made a sound except some whisperings from her lips. Later on, I asked if her whispers were for G.o.d, and she said, "They was for your granny-mauma."

When that hour pa.s.sed and Tomfry loosed the strap off her neck, she fell down and curled up on the dirt. Tomfry and Aunt-Sister lifted her up by the arms and lugged her and her numb legs up the stairs of the carriage house to her room. I ran behind, trying to keep her ankles from b.u.mping on the steps. They laid her on the bed like flopping down a sack of flour.

When we were left to our selves, I lay beside her and stared up at the quilt frame. From time to time, I said, "You want some water? Your legs hurting?"

She nodded her answers with her eyes shut.

In the afternoon, Aunt-Sister brought some rice cakes and broth off a chicken. Mauma didn't touch it. We always left the door open to get the light, and all day, noise and smells from the yard wandered in. Long a day as I ever lived.

Mauma's legs would walk again same as ever, but she never was the same inside. After that day, it seemed part of her was always back there waiting for the strap to be loosed. It seemed like that's when she started laying her cold fire of hate.

Sarah.

The morning after Easter, there was still no sign of Hetty. Between breakfast and my departure for Madame Ruffin's school on Legare Street, Mother saw to it that I was shut in my room, copying a letter of apology to Reverend Hall.

Dear Reverend Sir, I apologize for failing in my duties as a teacher in the Colored Sunday School of our dear St. Philip's. I beg forgiveness for my reckless disregard of the curriculum and ask your forgiveness for my insolence toward you and your holy office.

Your Remorseful and Repentant Soul, Sarah Grimke No sooner had I signed my name than Mother whisked me to the front door where Snow waited with the carriage, Mary already inside. Typically, Mary and I met the carriage out back, while Snow tarried, making us late.

"Why has he come to collect us at the front?" I asked, to which Mother replied I should be more like my sister and not ask tedious questions.

Snow turned and looked at me, and a kind of foreboding leaked from him.

The whole day seemed strung upon a thin, vibrating wire. When I met with Thomas that afternoon on the piazza for my studies-my real studies-my unease had reached a peak.

Twice weekly, we delved into Father's books, into points of law, Latin, the history of the European world, and recently, the works of Voltaire. Thomas insisted I was too young for Voltaire. "He's over your head!" He was, but naturally I'd flung myself into the Sea of Voltaire anyway and emerged with nothing more than several aphorisms. "Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do." Such a notion made it virtually impossible to enjoy life! And this, "If G.o.d did not exist, man would have to invent him." I didn't know whether Reverend Hall had invented his G.o.d or I'd invented mine, but such ideas tantalized and disturbed me.

I lived for these sessions with Thomas, but seated on the joggling board that day with the Latin primer on my lap, I couldn't concentrate. The day was full of torpid warmth, of the smell of crabs being trolled from the ginger waters of the Ashley River.

"Go on. Proceed," said Thomas, leaning over to tap the book with his finger. "Water, master, son-nominative case, singular and plural."

". . . . . . Aqua, aquae . . . Dominus, domini . . . Filius, filii. . . . . . Oh, Thomas, something is wrong!" I was thinking of Hetty's absence, Mother's behavior, Snow's glumness. I'd sensed a moroseness in all of them-Aunt-Sister, Phoebe, Tomfry, Binah. Thomas must've felt it, too.

"Sarah, you always know my mind," he said. "I thought I'd concealed it, I should've known."

". . . What is it?"

"I don't want to be a lawyer."

He'd misread my intent, but I didn't say so-this was as riveting a secret as he'd ever revealed to me.

". . . Not a lawyer?"

"I've never wanted to be a lawyer. It goes against my nature." He gave me a tired smile. "You should be the lawyer. Father said you would be the greatest in South Carolina, do you remember?"

I remembered the way one remembers the sun, the moon, and the stars hanging in the sky. The world seemed to rush toward me, sheened and beautiful. I looked at Thomas and felt confirmed in my destiny. I had an ally. A true, unbending ally.

Running his hands through the waves of his hair, torrential like Father's, Thomas began to pace the length of the piazza. "I want to be a minister," he said. "I'm less than a year from following John to Yale, and I'm treated as if I can't think for myself. Father believes I don't know my own mind, but I do know."

"He won't allow you to study theology?"

"I begged for his blessing last evening and he refused. I said, 'Don't you care that it's G.o.d's own call I wish to answer?' And do you know what he said to that? 'Until G.o.d informs me of this call, you will study the law.'"

Thomas plopped into a chair, and I went and knelt before him, pressing my cheek against the back of his hand. His knuckles were p.r.i.c.kly with heat b.u.mps and hair. I said, "If I could, I would do anything to help you."

As the sun lowered over the back lot, Hetty was still nowhere to be seen. Unable to contain my fears any longer, I planted myself outside the window of the kitchen house, where the female slaves always congregated after the last meal of the day.

The kitchen house was their sanctum. Here, they told stories and gossiped and carried on their secret life. At times, they would break into song, their tunes sailing across the yard and slipping into the house. My favorite was a chant that grew rowdier as it went: Bread done broken.

Let my Jesus go.

Feet be tired.

Let my Jesus go.

Back be aching.

Let my Jesus go.

Teeth done fell out.

Let my Jesus go.

Rump be dragging.

Let my Jesus go.

Their laughter would ring out abruptly, a sound Mother welcomed. "Our slaves are happy," she would boast. It never occurred to her their gaiety wasn't contentment, but survival.

On this evening, though, the kitchen house was wrapped in a pall. Heat and smoke from the oven glugged out the window, reddening my face and neck. I caught glimpses of Aunt-Sister, Binah, Cindie, Mariah, Phoebe, and Lucy in their calico dresses, but heard only the clunk of cast iron pots.

Finally, Binah's voice carried to me. "You mean to say she ain't eat all day?"

"Not one thing," Aunt-Sister said.

"Well, I ain't eating neither if they strap me up like they done her," Phoebe said.