Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is. I told him that I don't think there is a theme; and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties-themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of "Wouldn't It Be Good" to play, as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this because print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it, and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letterbox if I don't see you before tonight.

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11:06 p.m. Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11:06 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the f.u.c.k are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1 ?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9:15 a.m. Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9:15 a.m.

To: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

h.e.l.lo Matthew,

I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night, but who am I to judge? No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching, so when we are sleeping, our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you.

I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice. It makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party; that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit, which worked out well because it was freezing, and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well, and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them.

If you need help with your costume, let me know; I have made mine by wrapping a black T-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs the night of. It is a little hard to breathe in the costume, so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought-how awesome would it be if I arrived through through the window like a real ninja? We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies, and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was more than five meters wide and almost made it. the window like a real ninja? We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies, and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was more than five meters wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week, and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be OK to borrow yours on that day? I hate catching buses because they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3:02 p.m. Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3:02 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no f.u.c.king 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the f.u.c.k is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no f.u.c.king fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus f.u.c.king christ man.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2:04 a.m. Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2:04 a.m.

To: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Subject: Party Party

h.e.l.lo Matthew,

I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my e-mail from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend's work function was canceled, so she can make it after all, which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her, so they will take the minivan. Also, I have arranged a pinata.

Regards, David

Simon's guide to buying a sofa from IKEA h.e.l.lo, my name is Simon, and I love IKEA so much I want to marry it. Can you believe the prices on gla.s.s tea light holders? Seventy cents. That is f.u.c.king unbelievable. I will get ten.Here is my simple step-by-step guide to buying a sofa from IKEA. IKEA. Some people may think that purchasing a sofa would be a simple exercise, but with determination and a little planning, you can ensure that it is a painful process. Some people may think that purchasing a sofa would be a simple exercise, but with determination and a little planning, you can ensure that it is a painful process.

Step 1 Ring David at 7:40 a.m. and ask him if he will come to IKEA with you. It is important to ring this early because David will be disoriented and agree to anything.

Step 2 Ring David again at 8:05 a.m. to check that he got up, because getting to IKEA early is imperative. This twenty-five minute interval will ensure that if David did get up he will be in the shower when you call. Ring David again at 9:15 a.m. to inquire where he is and ask him to get you a large latte on the way. If he declines, tell him not to be a selfish p.r.i.c.k and remind him of the time you fed his fish while he was away six years ago.

Step 3 When David arrives, inform him that you are taking his car because it is bigger. This is also the time to inform him that you are buying a sofa and he will need to rent a trailer on the way. Now that David is at your place you can get ready at your leisure. As you just put the clothes you want to wear in the dryer, he will have to wait an hour anyway. Make him useful during this time by having him edit a website you are working on about Australian architecture.

Step 4 On the way to IKEA, complain about David's choice in music. Demand a better selection. Make David pull over and tune his stereo to your iPod's iTrip and play eighties dance tracks, such as "Big in j.a.pan" by Alphaville, loud enough for cars around you to hear. Sing the chorus. If you get the words wrong, explain that's the way they are in another version.

Step 5 When you get to IKEA, do not go straight to the sofa section. Follow the path IKEA has set for you to take, and stop and look at every item. Point out the price and compare each product by cross-referencing it with the IKEA catalogue. Remember to stop at each location and consult the "You are here" diagram before progressing. Inform David every two minutes of your exact location in the store by marking your journey on the IKEA map with your IKEA pencil.

Step 6 At the sofa section, sit on every couch and pretend you are watching television. Make David sit next to you, like a couple. Also, whenever David is more than five meters away, call out questions such as "What is the foam density of that one?" loud enough for those in a thirty-meter radius to hear. Consult with the staff about every couch. Researching sofas on the Internet before you go will enable you to discuss frame warp and fabric weave. Asking about color choices and availability will involve looking through large sample books. Consult David on each swatch.

Step 7 Once you have made your selection, do not leave the store. Purchase a coffee table and shelf unit and tell David that he will help you put them together when you get home. Also purchase lamps, gla.s.s tea light holders, cutlery, ice cube trays, cushions, stackable boxes, an ironing board cover, a quilt cover set, and a rug. Make David carry everything, explaining that you need your hands free to write on the IKEA product slip with your IKEA pencil.

Step 8 Before leaving, inform David that you would like to try the famous Swedish Meatb.a.l.l.s at the IKEA restaurant. If he states that he will wait in the car, explain that you are shopping together, not one person shopping and the other waiting in the car. Discuss the meatb.a.l.l.s on the drive home.

Dear tenant, you are grubby and smell of smoke Peter's profile on his company's website declares that Peter, an a.s.sistant rental manager, enjoys cricket and coin collecting. And once swam with sharks. I am not a great fan of rental property inspections but they are preferable to rental property inspections without warning. Especially if you are not home at the time. And you haven't cleaned since the Columbus disaster. And you have an adult movie cover left on top of the television in the bedroom. Next to drugs. One of the worst adult movies I have ever seen was called Debbie Does Dallas, Debbie Does Dallas, which featured a lot of scenes with people wearing clothes and talking about things and, because the movie was shot in the seventies, looked as if they were wearing pants made out of hair when they finally did get naked. The worst adult movie I have ever seen was t.i.tled which featured a lot of scenes with people wearing clothes and talking about things and, because the movie was shot in the seventies, looked as if they were wearing pants made out of hair when they finally did get naked. The worst adult movie I have ever seen was t.i.tled Marge & Me Xmas 94, Marge & Me Xmas 94, which I found inside a secondhand Betamax video recorder I bought for thirty-five dollars. While it contained a lot of nudity, most of it hairless, and very little dialogue apart from Marge complaining continuously about a cramp and, at one point, the gas bill, they were both extremely overweight and well into their sixties, so I could only handle an hour or so before ejecting it in disgust. which I found inside a secondhand Betamax video recorder I bought for thirty-five dollars. While it contained a lot of nudity, most of it hairless, and very little dialogue apart from Marge complaining continuously about a cramp and, at one point, the gas bill, they were both extremely overweight and well into their sixties, so I could only handle an hour or so before ejecting it in disgust.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6:04 p.m. Wednesday 30 September 2009 6:04 p.m.

To: Peter Williams Peter Williams Subject: Inspection Report Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Thank you for the surprise inspection and invitation to partic.i.p.ate in the next. I appreciate your underlining the text at the bottom of the page, which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my to-do list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

Regards, David

From: Peter Williams Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9:41 a.m. Thursday 01 October 2009 9:41 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Inspection Report Re: Inspection Report

David

I recommed you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.

Peter

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10:26 a.m. Thursday 01 October 2009 10:26 a.m.

To: Peter Williams Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsaber being swung in a s.p.a.ce too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double-handed overhead attack, and the fitting, being fitted, didn't. I will grab a matching replacement twelve-dollar fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny ironing board cover or gla.s.s tea light.

The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and a special guest. Since my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks as if someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady, and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head, and being found dressed that way, so she left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night; it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer, because you are small, and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.

Regards, David From: Peter Williams Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1:16 p.m. Thursday 01 October 2009 1:16 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.