Relationships "I am going to have seven girlfriends when I get older so that I can be with a different one every day and then start again on Mondays."

Swimming "If you swim in the sea, then you should always go swimming with a fat girl because sharks will go for her first."

Shoplifting "If we went into a shop and I put a stereo on and danced, you could run out with a different stereo while everyone is looking at me."

Cleaning "It will just get messy again. I like it like this; it shows we have better things to do than cleaning."

Marriage "If you get married, do you have to let your wife look at your p.e.n.i.s?"

Super Powers "If I could have only one super power it would be to breathe in s.p.a.ce."

On having h.o.m.os.e.xuality explained "That's gross. Not the bit about girls kissing girls, though, that's pretty good."

School "I don't understand why I have to go to school at all; the Internet knows more than all the teachers there put together."

Hygiene "You should never wash your hands; that way, you will have more germs than everything else, and germs won't go on you because there is no room."

Education should be secondary to discipline I do not get along all that well with my son's teacher. Since the day she gave him a brochure explaining "the real meaning of Easter," I have had my eye on her. Recently, my offspring took a game called Tower Defense Tower Defense to school on his to school on his USB USB drive. As far as games are concerned, it is strategic and positive. At least it's not about stealing autos and shooting hookers. While I understand it was a breach of the rules, I do not feel being banned from using school computers is an appropriate punishment. I do, however, feel that an appropriate punishment for handing out medieval metaphysic propaganda to children would be a good old-fashioned stoning. drive. As far as games are concerned, it is strategic and positive. At least it's not about stealing autos and shooting hookers. While I understand it was a breach of the rules, I do not feel being banned from using school computers is an appropriate punishment. I do, however, feel that an appropriate punishment for handing out medieval metaphysic propaganda to children would be a good old-fashioned stoning.

From: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Date: Friday 22 August 2009 3:40 p.m. Friday 22 August 2009 3:40 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: computer room computer room

h.e.l.lo David

I tried to call you but your phone is off. Just letting you know that Seb bought a flash drive to school yesterday and copied a game onto the school computers which is against the school rules and he has been banned from using the computer room for the rest of the term.

Sincerely, Margaret From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 24 August 2009 9:16 a.m. Monday 24 August 2009 9:16 a.m.

To: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Subject: Re: computer room Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Thank you for your e-mail. I am not answering my mobile phone at the moment due to a few issues with my landlord and neighbors. I am also experiencing iPhone envy and every second spent using my Nokia is like being trapped in a loveless marriage. Where you stay together for the kids. And the kids all have iPhones. I was not aware that my son taking software to school was in breach of school rules. Although the game is strategic and public domain, not to mention that it was I who copied it and gave it to him, I agree that banning him from access to the computers at school is an appropriate punishment. Especially considering his enthusiasm for the subject. Also, though physical discipline is no longer administered in the public school system, it would probably be appropriate in this instance if n.o.body is watching. I know from experience that he can take a punch.

Regards, David

From: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 10:37 a.m. Tuesday 25 August 2009 10:37 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: computer room

David

We would never strike a student and whether the software is pirated or not is not the issue. He denied having the drive which means he knew he shouldn't have it here then it was found in his bag so I feel the punishment is suitable.

Margaret

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 11:04 a.m. Tuesday 25 August 2009 11:04 a.m.

To: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Subject: Re: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Yes, I agree. Education and access to the tools necessary for such should always come secondary to discipline. When I was young, discipline was an accepted part of each school day. Once, when I colored outside the lines, I was forced to stand in the playground with a sign around my neck that read "non-conformist" while the other children pelted me with rubble from the recently torched school library. Apparently, a copy of Biggles Biggles had been found behind a filing cabinet. had been found behind a filing cabinet.

Another time, because I desperately wanted a Battlestar Galactica Battlestar Galactica jacket like Apollo in the television series, using brown house paint from the shed at home, I painted my denim jacket and used Araldite to attach bra.s.s door hinges as clasps. Feeling that it was an excellent representation, and despite the oil-based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting in Mrs. Bowman's English cla.s.s, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the princ.i.p.al for damaging school property. My punishment was to sc.r.a.pe wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after hours. It took several weeks, and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mr. Wrigley. During cla.s.s, when the teacher was not looking, we would pa.s.s each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real jacket like Apollo in the television series, using brown house paint from the shed at home, I painted my denim jacket and used Araldite to attach bra.s.s door hinges as clasps. Feeling that it was an excellent representation, and despite the oil-based paint still being soaking wet, I wore it to school the next day. Unfortunately, the paint dried while I was sitting in Mrs. Bowman's English cla.s.s, securing me to the chair. After the school handyman cut me free, I was sent to the princ.i.p.al for damaging school property. My punishment was to sc.r.a.pe wads of chewing gum off the bottom of every chair in the school after hours. It took several weeks, and it was during this lonely time that I created my imaginary friend Mr. Wrigley. During cla.s.s, when the teacher was not looking, we would pa.s.s each other notes regarding the merits of disciplinary action and how one day we would own real Battlestar Galactica Battlestar Galactica jackets. jackets.

Also, if you happen to see Seb eating anything over the next few weeks, please take the food from him immediately. He forgot to feed his turtle last week, and I feel a month without food will help him understand both the importance of being a responsible pet owner and the effects of malnutrition.

Regards, David

From: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Date: Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:10 p.m. Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:10 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

I hope you are not being serious about the food but I am forwarding your e-mail to the princ.i.p.al as per school policy.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 11:18 a.m. Wednesday 26 August 2009 11:18 a.m.

To: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

Rest a.s.sured, I would not really withhold nutritional requirements from any child. Except maybe that one that starred in the Home Alone Home Alone movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration, and since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with Froot Loops, I have found I am able to move small objects with my mind. Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition, which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok, and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side, so he should be all right. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting, as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak. movies. I read somewhere that a healthy breakfast helps concentration, and since replacing my usual diet of nicotine with Froot Loops, I have found I am able to move small objects with my mind. Just this morning Seb and I were discussing the importance of good nutrition, which is why, if you check in his school bag, you will find a bag of rice, vegetables, a wok, and a camp stove. The gas bottle can be a little tricky but has instructions printed on the side, so he should be all right. Please remind him to stand well back and cover his face while igniting, as the hose is worn and has developed a small leak.

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your cla.s.sroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

Regards, David

From: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:05 p.m. Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:05 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

I have no idea what your point is. I will speak to the princ.i.p.al about the ban but you have to understand that only government approved software is allowed on the computers and Seb knew this rule.

Margaret

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:17 p.m. Wednesday 26 August 2009 2:17 p.m.

To: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

Dear Maggie,

I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity, and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.

Just this week I found a Sue Townsend novel in Seb's bag that I do not believe is on the school-approved reading list. Do not concern yourself about it making its way to the schoolyard, though, because we attended a community book burning last night. Although one lady tried to ruin the atmosphere with comments regarding Mayan codices and the Alexandrian Libraries, I mentioned to the High Magus that I had overheard her discussing spells to turn the village cow's milk sour, and the mob took care of the rest.