From: Shannon Shannon Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3:20 p.m. Monday 17 August 2009 3:20 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties

Whatever.

Simon's step-by-step guide to camping h.e.l.lo, my name is Simon, and I love camping. I do not own any camping gear, but this is not a problem, as I have watched every season of Survivor. Survivor. My favorite season so far was the one where Jeff, the host, rode all the way from the Amazon on a jet-ski to New York, crossing the Atlantic Ocean, to read the votes in the final episode. This shows not only great dedication to fans but also excellent seafaring and navigation skills. It would have taken him ages, plus he would have had to stop to rest and eat. My favorite season so far was the one where Jeff, the host, rode all the way from the Amazon on a jet-ski to New York, crossing the Atlantic Ocean, to read the votes in the final episode. This shows not only great dedication to fans but also excellent seafaring and navigation skills. It would have taken him ages, plus he would have had to stop to rest and eat.

Step 1 Ring David at 11 p.m. and tell him you want to go camping the next day. Dictate a list of items you require him to prepare by the next morning, including tent and all supplies. If David asks any questions, become exasperated and explain to him that camping is about enjoying the great outdoors and each other's company, not about going halves for groceries and petrol money.

Step 2 Ring David at 6:45 a.m. to add "Biscuits to eat on the trip" to the list.

Step 3 Once David arrives to pick you up, read out the list and make David say the word "check" after each item because that is how they do it on television and "yep" is not a real word. Add "Pocket mirror" to the list, berating David for not having the common sense to include this should you need to signal planes. Quote Lord Baden-Powell's "Be Prepared" a minimum of four times. Before leaving, try on several combinations of cargo pants with baseball caps and consult David on the merits of each. If David states, "That looks fine," explain to him that you were just testing him and he failed, as you would never wear a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants out in public. If he mentions n.o.body else will be at the campsite to see the outfit, explain to him that you are taking a digital camera and will not be posting photos on Facebook of you wearing a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants.

Step 4 Instruct David to take your bags out to the car while you check your e-mail before leaving. Explain the importance of working together and good time management. Once you have left, instruct David to pull into a service station to purchase AAA batteries and different biscuits to eat on the trip, as you like only the ones with cream in them. When David returns to the car, go into the service station to purchase biscuits yourself after stating that it should have been obvious you did not mean Oreo's. While inside, also purchase Billy Idol's greatest hits CD to listen to on the way because you like the track "Yell Like a Rebel."

Step 5 During the four-hour drive to the campsite, instruct David to pull over every forty-five minutes so you can go to the toilet behind a tree. It is important to do this when the only tree is several hundred meters away in a field. While urinating, peer around the tree at David sitting in the car. For the remainder of the drive, list words that lose all meaning when you say them fifty times such as "yolk," warn David to watch out for kangaroos every ten minutes, and play Billy Idol's Greatest Hits Greatest Hits on loop while stating, "Oooh, I remember this one," at the beginning of each track. Read out each road sign as you pa.s.s it. When it is a speed limit sign, lean across to glance at the speedometer. on loop while stating, "Oooh, I remember this one," at the beginning of each track. Read out each road sign as you pa.s.s it. When it is a speed limit sign, lean across to glance at the speedometer.

Step 6 Upon arrival, unpack only a chair to sit in, while David sets up camp. Point out what he could do to streamline the procedure. Instruct David to fetch your bag because you did not realize the tent would be the same color as your cargo pants and you wish to change. Explain that if you are photographed with the tent in the background it will look like you have no legs. Admonish David for purchasing AAA batteries when your digital camera takes AA. Inform David that AA and AAA are the correct terms and that only people who drive pickup trucks call them double A and triple A.

Step 7 After sitting in the chair for an hour, inform David that you are bored. If David suggests hiking or any other activity that requires leaving the chair, state that you are there to relax, not partake in extreme sports.

Step 8 While David collects firewood to cook dinner, call out instructions regarding the size, type, and density of wood required. As David is constructing the fire, point out the fundamental errors of his system and state that it is not the way you have seen it done on Survivor. Survivor. Explain the tee-pee method of stick formation and its air circulation and flame consistency benefits. Once the fire is established, describe in detail how you prefer your sausages cooked, using pieces of bark as color swatches to indicate the hue required. During dinner, calculate the ratio of burned to unburned sausage and evaluate David's ability to follow simple instructions at 17 percent. After dinner, state that it is a requirement while camping to sing songs around the campfire. When David declines, sing tracks from Billy Idol's Explain the tee-pee method of stick formation and its air circulation and flame consistency benefits. Once the fire is established, describe in detail how you prefer your sausages cooked, using pieces of bark as color swatches to indicate the hue required. During dinner, calculate the ratio of burned to unburned sausage and evaluate David's ability to follow simple instructions at 17 percent. After dinner, state that it is a requirement while camping to sing songs around the campfire. When David declines, sing tracks from Billy Idol's Greatest Hits Greatest Hits CD. After asking David if he thinks your hair would look good styled like Billy Idol's, point out his obvious lack of fashion sense using the green cap and beige pants example. CD. After asking David if he thinks your hair would look good styled like Billy Idol's, point out his obvious lack of fashion sense using the green cap and beige pants example.

Step 9 Declare that you are tired and wish to go to bed. If David replies that he will sit by the fire for a while, inform him that you are camping together and to douse the fire with a bucket of water. Once in the tent, state that you always sleep naked and are not going to alter this just because you are camping. Wait until David is in his sleeping bag before requesting he retrieve your book from the car due to your being naked, not tired, and wishing to read for a while by torchlight. On his return, point out the fact that the torch is flat and that it takes AA batteries. Lie in the dark for several minutes before declaring that you are bored and that there may be a mosquito in the tent. Ask, "Did you hear that?" and "Are you asleep?" every five minutes. Describe how uncomfortable you are and what you are missing on television, and hum tracks from Billy Idol's Greatest Hits Greatest Hits CD. CD.

Step 10 Wake David at 1 a.m. and inform him that you want to make a bow and arrow. List the protection and hunting benefits of such. If David states that it is the middle of the night and there is no string for the bows, inform him that clocks are not part of camping and quote Lord Baden-Powell in regard to the string. Take this opportunity to point out a small hole in the tent and ask David if he thinks it is large enough for spiders to get through. Describe in depth a television program you saw on Discovery Channel about wasps laying eggs in spiders.

Step 11 Wake David at 1:30 a.m. and ask if he thinks the hole is large enough for wasps to get through.

Step 12 Wake David at 2 a.m. and tell him that you do not remember switching the iron off after ironing your cargo pants and that you are very concerned about the fact. Inform him that this will require cutting the camping trip short, packing up first thing in the morning and driving home. State that on the plus side, you just remembered the new series of V V starts tomorrow night on television and this means that you will not miss it. List science fiction shows from the seventies and eighties that you think should be redone for today's audience. starts tomorrow night on television and this means that you will not miss it. List science fiction shows from the seventies and eighties that you think should be redone for today's audience.

Step 13 During the drive back, insinuate continuously that the Billy Idol CD has gone missing on purpose. State every half hour that you really felt like listening to it.

Ma.s.sanutten mini-golf, water slides, and bears Ma.s.sanutten is a small holiday community in Virginia, with a population currently comprising of two thousand old people, their cats, one Australian on a tourist visa, his beautiful partner, and a dog named Further. Me being an Australian, the town of Ma.s.sanutten is like another planet to me. A heavily wooded planet founded by Norman Rockwell and colonized by John Deere tractor owners with a vision that included water slides and mini-golf.Along with mini-golf, water slides, old people, cats, one Australian, his partner, and a dog named Further, Ma.s.sanutten apparently has bears. I haven't seen any yet, but that is only, I a.s.sume, due to most people following rules outlined in section 9 of the MPOA Agreement.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 11:04 a.m. Thursday 7 October 2010 11:04 a.m.

To: [email protected] Subject: Bears Bears

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

I have received a request for seventy-five of my dollars for putting my trash out for collection without securing it inside a bear-proof container. Due to a series of events the night before, I forgot to put my trash out and had to run it out the next morning, after hearing the collection truck approach.

As regulations govern actions only within certain defined limits and thereby justify all similar actions that lie outside those limits, I request that my offense is changed from "Unsecured trash" to "Secured trash, barring the possibility of bears formulating a strategy in which to take advantage of the few minutes between deposit and collection."

Regards, David

From: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 5:16 p.m. Thursday 7 October 2010 5:16 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Bears Re: Bears

h.e.l.lo Mr. Thorne

Section 9 of the MPOA Agreement which you would have signed clearly states that trash must be secured. The reason we have these rules is so that bears and other large animals are not attracted to the area. This is for everyones safety. All bear sightings should be reported immediately to the MPOA. A ladys cat was almost bitten by a bear just a few weeks ago near the mini golf course.

Patricia

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 9:12 p.m. Thursday 7 October 2010 9:12 p.m.

To: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Subject: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,

Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I'm surprised bears bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase, it may be suggested that elderly residents and their cats pose more of an attraction for bears than unsecured trash. For the safety of all residents, section 9 of the MPOA Agreement should probably be amended to state that all cats and their elderly owners be kept in bear-proof containers.

While out walking this evening, I witnessed several cats having some kind of cat meeting on the sidewalk ahead of me. Possibly discussing the local bear problem. After reading that a bear recently ate a lady's cat in the area and hearing a twig snap in the shadows behind me, I decided to take the shortest route home by cutting through the Ma.s.sanutten mini-golf facilities. Managing to scale the three-meter fence via fear and a trash can, I slipped, caught my back pants pocket on one of the pointy metal bars, and hung there for several minutes before managing to wriggle out of them-dropping to safety and to the right of hole 7. Fashioning temporary legwear by removing my jumper and placing my legs in the sleeves, figuring they would look like Hammer pants to people driving by, I left the premises by climbing the papier-mache boulders near hole 16, leaping onto the ticket hut roof, and dropping down the other side to safety. If my shoes had not been soaked and slippery from the pond to the right of hole 7, I am pretty sure I would have made it on the first attempt. While not pointing any blame, I quite liked those pants, because they fit really well and cost me around seventy-five dollars.

Also, as per your instructions to report bear sightings immediately, I have attached a photograph taken outside my premises a few minutes ago. I apologize for the quality but was fearful of getting too close due to the fact bears constrict and consume their prey whole, taking several days to fully digest. As I have a short attention span and would prefer a quick death, such as removing my helmet in s.p.a.ce, I request you send a.s.sistance immediately.

Regards, David

From: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2:26 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 2:26 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Bears

I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I'm not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2:51 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 2:51 p.m.

To: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,

If Carol from the mini-golf hut has time to check the perimeter for pants, why not send her? While issuing me a seventy-five dollar fine by justifying it is for the safety of others, you seem pretty quick to dismiss mine. As people rely on your protection from bears and your position consists entirely of not waiving fines issued, to ensure the compliance of regulations that protect people from bears, you should probably send out a memo or something stating that we are on our own in an emergency situation. On the back of the memo, you could include instructions on making a pointy stick to protect us with.

I own a gun but am unsure if a bear shot with a Daisy .177 caliber BB air rifle purchased from Wal-Mart for $39.75 would be wounded or just p.i.s.sed off. While testing the rifle last week, my offspring was definitely the latter. I have heard that the best way to protect yourself during a bear attack is to roll into a tight ball and cover your face, but I am pretty sure a flame-thrower or a special suit that metal spikes spring out of when you press a b.u.t.ton would be more effective. I have also heard that music soothes the savage beast, but the last time I sang Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All" to my offspring, it had the opposite effect, despite what I considered to be an excellent reproduction of her tonal range.

Although wary, after reading recently that a bear ate a lady and her cat in the area, I decided to risk leaving the premises in order to drive to your office and pay the fine. Unfortunately, possibly due to an unsecured Snickers bar on the dashboard, the bear is now in my vehicle, and I am unable to do so. Please send a.s.sistance immediately as I have also run out of cigarettes and need to drive to the shop. If you send Carol, please ask her to stop on the way and grab me a pack. While you may not cla.s.s this as an emergency or possible danger to others, you haven't seen me after two hours without nicotine.

Regards, David

From: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Date: Friday 8 October 2010 3:18 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 3:18 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

I wont be sending an officer because your not in any danger at all. You have obviously just put a blanket on a dog while it is sitting in your car and taken a photo. If you want to express your opinion on trash collection rules you are welcome to attend the next MPOA community meeting which is held each month. Not understanding the importance of bear safety doesnt mean you dont have to follow the rules. I'm not even sure what your point is.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 8 October 2010 4:22 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 4:22 p.m.

To: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,