I re-read his sharp communication, and I found the sentence again, "Who _are you_? I sent for a pedigree, and I must have it." And I sat down, at once, and wrote him as follows:

"_Melrose, Ma.s.s., 1853._

"MY DEAR SIR:

"Your peppery favor came duly to hand. You say you 'want a pedigree,' and that you 'must have it;' and you inquire who _I_ am?

I cannot furnish any such history for my _fowls_, for I haven't the slightest idea what they are, except that they are bred from my superb imported 'Cochin-Chinas,' which have so long been p.r.o.nounced the 'admiration of the world.'

"But, since you must have a pedigree, you say, and as you seem anxious to know who _I_ am, I enclose you the following, as an accurate account of my _own_ pedigree, which I furnished to a legal gentleman in New York city, some years since,[13] and which, I presume, will answer your purpose as well as any other would; as I observe, by your polite favor now before me, that you 'want A pedigree.' Please read this carefully, and then inform me (as you promise to do) if you 'can enlighten _me_ further'!

"Very profoundly yours,

"G.P.B."

It will be necessary, in order that my readers may the better appreciate the pedigree that follows (and which I enclosed to my correspondent, as above stated), to inform them that some fifteen years ago, or more, there was a person named _Burnham_, who died in England, leaving no will behind him; but who was possessed, at the time of his decease, of an immense fortune, said to amount to several millions of pounds sterling in value. As soon as the intelligence reached this country, the Burnhams were greatly elated with their prospects, and meetings of the imaginative "heirs" to this estate were held, who, each and all, believed that a windfall was now in certain prospect before them. The excitement ended as all this sort of thing does. No one among the Burnhams could identify himself, or substantiate the fact of his ever having had a grandfather; and the bubble was soon exploded. Among the parties who were addressed on the subject of this supposed "Burnham fortune," was my humble self; the ambitious lawyer who undertook to unravel the mystery, and to recover the money for us, informing me by mail that "it would be of material pecuniary advantage to me to establish my pedigree." I wrote _him_ as follows:

"MY DEAR SIR:

"Your favor, under date 4th instant, came duly to hand, and I improve my earliest moment of leisure (after the unavoidable delays attendant upon procuring the information you seek) to reply. You are desirous of being made acquainted with my 'pedigree.'

"I have to inform you that I have taken some days to examine into this matter, and, after a careful investigation of the 'records,'

find that I am a descendant, in the direct line, from a gentleman, very well remembered in these parts, by the name of ADAM. The old man had two sons. 'Cain' and 'Abel' they were called. The latter, by the other's hands, went dead one day; but as no coroner had then been appointed in the county where they resided, 'verdict was postponed.' A third son was born, whom they called 'Seth.' _Cain_ Adam had a son named Enoch, who had a son (in the fourth generation) by the name of Malech. Malech had a son whom he called NOAH, from whom I trace directly my own being.

"Noah had three sons, 'Shem,' '_Ham_' and 'j.a.pheth.' The eldest and youngest--Shem and j.a.pheth--were a couple of the 'b'hoys;' and Ham was a very well-disposed young gentleman, who slept at home o'

nights. But his two brothers, unfortunately, were not so well inclined. _Ham_ was a sort of 'jethro'--the b.u.t.t of his two brothers, who had done him 'brown' so many times, that they called him 'burnt.' For many years he was known, therefore, as 'Burnt-Ham.' Before his death he applied to the Legislature in his diggings for a change of name. He dropped the _t_, a bill was pa.s.sed ent.i.tling him to the name of BURN-HAM, and hence the _sur_name of your humble servant. So much for the _name_.

"In several of the newspapers of that period I find allusions made to _a very severe rain-storm_ which occurred 'just about this time;' and the public prints (of all parties) agree that 'this storm was tremendous,' and that 'an immense amount of damage was done to the shipping and commercial interest.' As this took place some six thousand years back, however, you will not, I presume, expect me to quote the particular details of this circ.u.mstance, except in so far as refers directly to my own relatives. I may here add, however, that subsequent accounts inform me that everything of any particular value was totally destroyed. A private letter from Ham, dated at the time, declares that 'there wasn't a peg left to hang his hat on.'

"Old Noah found it was 'gittin' werry wet under foot' (to use a familiar expression of his), and he wisely built a ca.n.a.l-boat (of very generous dimensions) for the safety of himself and family.

Finding that the rain continued, he enlarged his boat, so that he could carry a very considerable amount of luggage, in case of accident. This foresight in the old gentleman proved most fortunate, and only confirms the established opinion, that the family is 'smart;' for the 'storm continued unabated for forty days and forty nights' (so say the accounts), until every species of animal and vegetable matter had been 'used up,' always excepting the old gentleman's ca.n.a.l-boat _and_ cargo.

"Now, Noah was a great lover of animals. 'Of every kind, a male and female,' did he take into his boat with him, and 'a nice time' they must have had of it for six weeks! Notwithstanding the fact (which I find recorded in one of the journals of the day), that 'a gentleman, who was swimming about, and who requested the old man to let him in, upon being refused, declared that he might go to gra.s.s with his old canoe, for he didn't think it would be much of a shower, anyhow,'--I say, notwithstanding this opinion of the gentleman, who is represented as having been a 'very expert swimmer,' everything was destroyed.

"Ham was one of 'em--_he_ was! He 'knew sufficient to get out of the rain,' albeit he wasn't thought _very_ witty. He took pa.s.sage with the rest, however, and thus did away with the necessity of a life-preserver. From _Ham_ I trace my pedigree directly down through all the grades, to King Solomon, without any difficulty, who, by the way, was reported to have been a little loose in his habits, and was very fond of the ladies and Manzanilla Sherry. He used to sing songs, too, of which 'the least said the soonest mended.' But, on the whole, Sol was a very clever, jolly-good fellow, and on several occasions gave evidence of possessing his share of the cunning natural to our family. Some thought him 'wise;' but, although I have no disposition to abuse any of my ancestors, I think the Queen of Sheba (a very nice young woman she was, too) rather 'come it' over the old fellow!

"By a continuous chain, I trace my relationship thence through a rather tortuous line, from generation to generation, down to Mr.

Matthew,--not the comedian, but to Matthew, the Collector (of Galilee, I think), who 'sat at the receipt of customs.' To _this_ connection I was, undoubtedly, indebted for an appointment in the Boston Custom-house. Matthew lived in the good old 'high tariff'

times, when something in the shape of duties was coming in. But, as nothing is said of his _finale_, I rather think he absquatulated with the funds of the government. But I will come to the information you desire, without further ado.

"You know the 'OLD 'UN,' undoubtedly. (If you don't, there is very little doubt but you will know his _namesake_ hereafter, if you don't cease to squander your time in looking after the plunder of the Burnham family!) Well, the 'Old 'Un' is in the 'direct line,'

to which I have now endeavored to turn your attention; and I have been called, of late years, the 'YOUNG 'UN,' for reasons that will not interest you. To my honored senior (whom I set down in the category as my legitimate 'dad') I would refer you for further particulars. He is tenacious of the character of his progeny, and loves me; I would commend you to him, for it will warm the c.o.c.kles of his old heart to learn that the 'YOUNG 'UN' _is in luck_.

"If you chance to live long enough to get as far down in my letter as _this_ paragraph, allow me to add that, should you happen to receive any very considerable amount as _my_ share of the 'property' for the Burnham family, please not overlook the fact that I am I 'one of 'em,' and that I have taken pains to tell you 'whar I c.u.m from.' Please forward my dividend by Adams & Co.'s Express (if their crates should be big enough to convey it), and if it should prove too bulky, turn it into American gold, and charter a steamer to come round for the purpose; I shan't mind the expense.

"In conclusion, I can only intimate the high consideration I entertain towards yourself for having prepaid the postage upon your communication; a very unusual transaction with legal gentlemen. My sensations, upon closing this hasty scrawl, are, I fancy, very nearly akin to those of the Hibernian who '_liked_ to have found a sovereign once,'--but you will allow me to a.s.sure you that it will afford me the greatest pleasure to meet you hereafter, and I shall be happy to give you any further information in my power touching _that_ 'putty' in prospective.

"I am, very respectfully, your obedient servant,

"GEO. P. BURNHAM, _alias the_ 'YOUNG 'UN.'"

I presume this pedigree was perfectly satisfactory to my correspondent; and I am quite certain that it was of as much account as this kind of thing usually is. At any rate, I heard nothing more from him, in any way; and I made up my mind, therefore, that, after reading this, he concluded that he couldn't "enlighten me further," as he had so pertly suggested in his communication, quoted in the beginning of this chapter.

He is a very nice man, I have no manner of doubt.

[13] This article was originally published in the New York _Spirit of the Times_, substantially, and was afterwards issued in an edition of my fugitive literary productions, by Getz & Buck, of Philadelphia, in a volume ent.i.tled "_Stray Subjects_."

CHAPTER XL.

"DOING THE GENTEEL THING."

"There is one thing you should always bear in mind," said a notorious shark to me, one day, while we conversed upon the subject of breeding live-stock successfully--"there is one thing you should always remember; and that is, under no circ.u.mstances ever permit a fowl or a pig to pa.s.s out of your hands to a purchaser, unless you _know_ him to be of _pure blood_."

This is a pretty theory, and, I have no doubt, such a course would work to admiration, if faithfully carried out (as _I_ always intended to do, by the way); but in this country this was easier to talk about than to accomplish. I have now a letter before me, received some years since, upon this point, and which will give the reader some idea how far this thing extended in certain quarters, and what came of it.

"SIR: I have been informed by my friends, and I have seen it stated in the poultry-books generally, that _you_ are a breeder of fowls who can be relied on. I wish I could say as much of some other parties with whom I have dealt, during the past year or two.

"I have been striving, for a long time, to get possession of some _pure_-bred domestic fowls, and a strain of thorough-bred Suffolk swine. I am satisfied _you_ have got them. Now, I beg you will understand that I am fortunately pecuniarily able to _pay_ for what I seek. I care nothing for _prices_;[14] but I do desire, and stipulate for, purity of blood. Can you supply me? What are your strains? When did you import it, and how has it been bred?

"If you can send me half a dozen Chinese fowls, all _pure_ bloods, of each of the different varieties, do so, and charge me whatever you please,--only let them be fine, and such as will produce their like.

"I have read much on this subject of poultry, and I want to _begin_ right, you perceive. I have made up my mind that there are not so many _varieties_ of fowls extant as many breeders describe. I am satisfied that these domestic birds hail originally from China, and that _all_ of them are of one blood. What is your opinion?

"Write me your views, please, and let me know if you can furnish me what I seek, upon honor; bearing in mind that I am ready to pay your price, whatever it may be; but that I want only pure-blooded stock.

"Yours, respectfully,

I immediately forwarded to this customer (as I usually did to my newly-found patrons) copies of the _portraits_ of my "genuine Suffolk"

pigs, and of my "pure-bred" and "imported" Chinese-fowls. These "pictures," samples of which appear in this work upon pages 174 and 212, had the desired effect. I rarely forwarded to these beginners one of these nicely-got-up circulars that didn't "knock 'em" at first sight.

These gentlemen stared at the engravings, exclaimed, "_Can_ it be?"

thrust their hands to the very bottom of their long purses, and ordered the stock by return of mail.

In this last-mentioned case, I informed my correspondent that I agreed with him in the ideas he had advanced precisely (I usually did agree with such gentlemen), and I entertained no doubt that he was entirely correct in his views as to the origin of domestic fowls, of which he evidently knew so much. (This helped me, amazingly.) I pointed out to him the distinction that existed (without a difference) between a "Shanghae" and a "Cochin-China," and finally concluded my learned and _un_selfish appeal by hinting (barely _hinting_) to him that I felt certain _he_ was the best judge of the facts in the case, and I would only _suggest_ that, so far as my experience went, there were, in reality, but _ten_ varieties of _pure_-bred fowls known to ornithologists (I was one of this latter cla.s.s), and that these ten varieties were the Cochins, the White, Grey, Dominique, Buff, Yellow, Red, Brown, Bronze and Black _Shanghaes_--and these were the only kinds _I_ ever bred.

As to their purity of blood, I could only say, that I imported the original stock myself, and "enclosed" he had their _portraits_; to which I referred with pride and confidence and pleasure, &c. &c. &c. Of their probable merits I must leave it entirely to his own good judgment to decide. I had this stock _for sale_, and it did not become me (mind this!) didn't _become me_ to praise it, of course (O no!). And I would say no more, but simply refer him to the public prints for my character as a breeder of blooded stock, etc. etc. etc.

Did this take him down? Well, it did; _vide_ the following reply from him, two weeks subsequently.

"MY DEAR SIR:

"I never entertained a doubt that you were _all_ you had been represented; and your reputation is, indeed, an enviable one, in the midst of these times, when so much deceit and trickery is being practised among this community. I am flattered with the tone of your kind letter, just received, and I am greatly pleased that you thus readily coincide with me in regard to my opinions touching the fowl race.

"I had come to the conclusion that there were but _eight_ real varieties of genuine fowls; but I observe that, in your last favor, you describe _ten_ strains of pure-bloods, that you know to be such. The portraits of your stock are beautiful. You allude to the 'Bronze' and the 'Dominique' colored Shanghaes. These must be very fine, I have no doubt; and I gladly embrace the opportunity to enclose you a draft on Merchants' Bank, Boston, for six hundred dollars, in payment for six of each of your splendid varieties of this pure China stock, the like of which (on paper, at least) I have never yet been so fortunate as to meet with.