The editor adds, cautiously, "The importers are gentlemen of strict probity and honor, so far as our knowledge extends; but, in these hurrying times, when the public excitement is up on any kind of stock, a man _may_ import and sell worthless animals, to a great extent, before a reaction can take place."

Now, this sort of mush and moonshine very soon nauseated upon the stomachs of "the people," even; who ordinarily can (and will) patiently submit to a vast deal of mummery. But when such palpable bosh as this is placed before them, they are apt to dodge all a.s.sociation with it and its clearly-expressed humb.u.g.g.e.ry; and so the tide now very quickly began to turn against the trade. "Brahmas," and "Quittaquong" fowls, and "Mandarin" pigs, proved too threatening a dose for the ma.s.ses! They hadn't time to spell out the names of such stock--to say nothing of purchasing it, at round figures, and attempting to _breed_ it afterwards.

What those men imagined they could possibly effect by this sort of ridiculous nonsense, I am unable to conceive of. Yet it was put forth in sober earnest; and scores of similar advertis.e.m.e.nts filled the papers, from time to time--each having for its object the continuous gulling of the "dear people," each in its own peculiar way.

And for years--up to this period--the star-gazing, wonder-loving, humbug-seeking portion of the community,--the ma.s.s who fill every corner of the land, and who watch for something continuously "new under the sun," out of which money can be made,--I say, for years, this portion of the public believed what they saw and read of, and responded to this sort of thing with a gusto equalled only by the zest with which, in years before, they had encouraged and supported the score of other "hums" that had been current around them.

But the delusions of morus multicaulis, and Merino sheep, and patent bee-keeping, and Berkshire pigs, and tulip-growing, had pa.s.sed away; and the hen fever, at last, subsided, too. Unp.r.o.nounceable names and long-winded advertis.e.m.e.nts wouldn't do! "The people" had ascertained that there was an end even to Shanghae and Brahma-ism! And this flimsiest of _all_ bubbles was now inflated fully to bursting.

CHAPTER x.x.xIV.

A TRUMP CARD.

Not to be beaten by this sort of thing (since the columns of certain friendly journals were still open to me), I adopted the style of advertising then current; and soon after the articles noted in the last chapter made their appearance in the "agricultural" paper alluded to, the following letter from the Young 'Un was published in the New York _Spirit of the Times_, upon the subject of live stock generally, and what _I_ had for sale particularly.

"UNCLE PORTER:

"During the last few years, I have turned my attention to trafficking in stock (as you may _possibly_ already be aware). Not copper stock, or Reading, or Hoosac Tunnel, or similar 'bores,'--but in _live_ stock; to wit, living stock. As is usual in this great and free country, other people have got to doing the same kind of business, since it has been now found to 'pay;' and who's a better right?

"_I_ desire, at the commencement of the new year, through the _Spirit_, to call the attention of such of _your_ friends (as you cannot supply readily) to my present a.s.sortment of _ominus_, omnivorous, carnivorous, graminivorous and bipederous specimens--which I have imported from Europe, Asia, Africa, Oceanica, South America, and _other_ places; and consisting, _in part_, of the following, namely:

"All the best and choicest breeds and varieties of horses, cattle, swine, dogs, cats, sheep, rabbits, goats, fowls, pigeons, rats, catamounts, hyenas, alligators, cormorants, kangaroos, grizzly bears, antelopes, envelopes, llamas, lam'ems, jaguars, fox and geese, kinkajous, petrel, periwinkles, long-tailed rabbits, Nubian fennecs, red eagles, condors, hooded ducks and hood-winked drakes, swifts, sloes (intended for 'fast' men and old 'fogies'), chamois, armadilloes, wingless emus, beadles, crabs, cranes, c.o.o.ns (bred from 'that same old 'un'), white zebras, macaws, catspaws, cantelopes, carbuncles and shuttle-sewing machines.

"I also have, for _exporting_, a splendid a.s.sortment of buffalo, elk, deer, moose, bears, cranes, owls, badgers, woodchucks, swans, pelicans, gulls (genuine), rattle-snakes (domesticated), fighting hen-turkeys (from Iowa), larks (from Nauvoo), and a superior a.s.sortment of _fishes_, of every conceivable size, color and variety, which are warranted to live out of the water, in any climate. In short, I will keep on hand all the best 'blooded'

animals, fowls, quadrupeds, fishes, reptiles, insects and birds,--be they gallinaceous, aquatic, aerial, fancy, substantial, good, bad or indifferent, that may be had; which I will furnish to my numerous friends, patrons, and the rest of mankind, in Europe, Asia, Africa or America, at all hours of the day or night (Sundays excepted); and at prices so reasonable that Christendom shall 'vote me' a philanthropist, or no sale.

"Among my most recently received samples, I beg especially to call the attention of fanciers, amateurs and breeders, to a 'vaggin-load of monkeys, vith their tails burned off,' which I warrant will not frighten the most skittish of horses. A crate of she-basilisks, of most virtuous exteriors, and with eyes as large as saucers. Eleven pet elephants (intended to have been offered to Mr. Barnum, but who informs me that he has done breeding them, on account of the high price of provender). One pair of red ostriches,--supposed to be the original progenitors of the famous 'Cochin-China' race of poultry.

(The male has a 'horse-shoe mark' upon his breast, described by certain modern authors on poultry. Unluckily for this theory, however, I happen to know that this individual was kicked by a mare of mine, while the beauty was skulking behind her, and attempting to rob her of the corn she was eating from her crib.) I have a trio of very healthy walruses, from Norway, that will eat s...o...b..a.l.l.s from your hand. Also, a brace of young mastodons, very docile, and as easily kept, _almost_, as a trio of 'Brahma Pootras.' Three _green_ swans (delightfully green), that never seek for or approach the water; supposed not yet to have learned to swim. I have also in my collection a family of very curious chameleons (believed to be), but none of which are supplied with the usual caudal extremity yclept _a tail_.

"My friend Durivage--who, as you are aware, is now in the Boston Custom-house, and whose opinion, consequently, isn't worth much--examined this family, and at once p.r.o.nounced them hop-toads!

But I don't mind _his_ jokes. _You_ must see them. They are beautiful creatures, and '_do_ live on air,' I a.s.sure you; I have seen them do it frequently, without changing color. Dr. Bennett, of Fort des Moines, has recently sent me a fine male porcupine,--a nice little fellow to handle, so long as you rub his feathers the right way,--which I purpose to cross upon my Chinese Mandarin sow, at a future day, for experiment. In addition to all these, I have, of _fowls_, the Mum-chums, Hong-Kongs, Whamphoas, Quittaquongs, Hoanghos, Brama-pooters, Damphules, Rocky-mountain-Indian-wharhoops, Nincomp.o.o.ps, etc., and an endless variety of white blackbirds, sleeping weasels, very fine mules (for breeding), fan-tail tumblers and tumbling fantails, no-woolled sheep, etc. etc., and so forth.

"The princ.i.p.al object of this communication, however, is _not_ to particularize my stock, but rather to call attention to my new breed of Hogs, which I have lately imported; and of which I send you a striking likeness herewith. I call it the Chinese Mandarin Hog.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE CHINESE MANDARIN HOG.--(See page 234.)]

"The drawing of this very faithful and life-like picture--copies of which I have already forwarded to _Punch_, the Paris _Charivari_, etc.--was executed by Phizz; the engraving is by Quizz; the portraits are perfect.

"This breed of hogs is most extraordinary; and has been p.r.o.nounced of great value for their beautiful model (see portrait), and easy fattening qualities. Their meat is also remarkably tender and fine-flavored, as can be proved by several gentlemen in this country, although this is the _first_ hog of the kind ever brought here, and she is now alive! As you will note in the drawing, the head and face of these hogs (supposing it possible that another could be found on G.o.d's footstool of the same kind) very closely resemble an elephant; perfectly unique, and strikingly oriental in capital aspect. (Which, if you do not understand, I can only say is plain English, and I must again refer you to the picture.) There is another singular feature, you will probably have observed (allowing that you are somewhat acquainted with the _ordinary_ formation of animals), and that is, that the trunk of this animal is upon the wrong extremity; but it answers, apparently, a very good purpose for a tail, as will be noted. True, the neck is longer than that of any hogs ever seen here, imparting a singular appearance; but it is a long lane that has no turn in it, and so _n'importe_ on this point.

"This is the most _prolific_ of the whole swine race. There never was one in America before, but this point is settled. She has eighteen dugs (see portrait), and learned doctors inform us that the number of dugs (teats) is always evidence of prolificness. The bodies of these hogs are like the _white_ 'Berkshires' of England (admitting that the white and the black Berkshires have different-shaped _bodies_). In color, though not so spotted as the leopard, these hogs are beautifully striated, like polished alabaster and ebony, checkered and rounded (see drawing) most exquisitely, like a slice of mouldy sage cheese.

"P.S. Although I am now short--or shall be, in the spring--full eleven thousand pairs of pigs, from this sow (to fill present orders), yet I will undertake to furnish a few more to gentlemen who may fancy them, at the advanced price,--seven-and-sixpence per pair. (I have no _boar_ of this breed, but that is immaterial.)

"N.B. I have frequently been asked to account for the singular facial appearance of this sow; but I can only do so, satisfactorily to myself, upon the theory of my friend Jacob, of old; that, _at some time or other_, her mother must have 'seen the elephant'!

"***The other figures in the accompanying drawing are likenesses, also from life, of my harmless and beautiful 'Bramerpootrers.' They are very fond of little children (see picture) and I send to my uncle William Porter, herewith, as a New Year's Gift to our mutual friend, Solon Robinson, a very fine sample, with the gentle hint that if he keeps his 'Hot Corn' as far out of this fellow's reach as it has thus far been out of mine, it will be perfectly safe.

"==>All orders for my famous 'Bramerpootrers,' or my imported 'Chinese Mandarin Hogs,' etc., must be put in water-proof condition, post-paid, endorsed by the collector of this port, and sent, by Adams & Co.'s Express, to Niagara Falls, until I conclude to remove to Salt Lake, Nebraska, or 'elsewhere,' of which due notice will be given (provided I don't decide to 'step out' between two days). _Adios!_

"Yours,

"_The_ YOUNG 'UN.

"_Boston, Jan., 1854._"

Now, the above letter explains itself fairly, upon its face; yet--would it be believed?--I actually received four or five sober (I _presume_ the writers were sober) letters of inquiry, relating to the "curious and remarkable Chinese Mandarin Hog in my possession," immediately after the above article appeared in the _Spirit_! Such are the knowledge and acquirements of "the people," in certain quarters, upon the subject of live stock!

CHAPTER x.x.xV.

"HOLD YOUR HORSES."

My compet.i.tors in the hen-trade, by this time, had got to be exceedingly active and zealous, though they rarely indulged in personalities towards me, at all. Generous, disinterested, liberal, kind-hearted, valiant men!

Providence will reward you all, I have no doubt, _some day or other_!

The following article, which appeared in a "respectable" agricultural sheet (which, though I was solicited so to do, I neither subscribed for nor advertised in), I offer here as a sample of the puffs that were extended to me for five years, by the small-fry humbugs whom I rarely condescended to notice. This "elegant extract" appeared in a northern _Farmer_:

"We did suppose that the strait-jacket we fitted to this fellow (Burnham) would be worn by him, but it appears that, on reading our article relative to his movements in England in regard to Grey Shanghae fowls, he cast it off, and made an attempt to put us _hors du combat_, in his usual style.

"But we must say that his pretensions to being an '_importer_' of these fowls, to having the '_original_' stock, to being the importer of the fowls he sent to England, is the greatest deception that ever came under our observation. But this is only in character with the general transactions of the man. In his dealings generally he seems to have had no other object in view but to _get all he could for his fowls_, with no regard to their _merits_. This is shown by a letter of his, which we have in our possession, written in 1852 to Dr. Bennett, in which he uses the following language, in regard to fowls: 'Anything that will _sell_,--bah!'

"We will take the liberty to digress a moment, to make a few remarks on his penchant for the use of the expression '_bah!_'

which is his common habit in correspondence. When Burnham was a loafer at large, previous to his _foul_ speculations, it is said that he was very fond of _mutton_; and as many a fat lamb was missed in the vicinity where he resided, it was more than suspected that he knew what became of them. Whether this be so or not, it seems that '_bah_' is ever escaping from his lips, a judgment, as it were, for the alleged iniquity of disturbing the nocturnal peace of that quiet animal....

"Now, friend Burnham, do be civil and _honest_. Your having sold 'premium' Cochins all over the country, with the _real_ 'premium'

fowls in your own yard, will soon be forgotten, and you may yet be considered a clever, honest fellow; but you _must_ stop pretending to be an 'importer' of fowls."

I was thus charged with putting my "friend" _hors du combat_, with lying generally, with sheep-stealing, with selling "premium" fowls over and over again, as well as with striving _to get all I could for my poultry_,--this _last_ offence being the most heinous of all! But, as I lived (as I supposed I should) to see this cub and his allies on their knees to me (as I could show, if I desired to do so, now), I did not mind these first-rate notices. They were most decidedly of _miner_ consideration in my esteem, when I thought how "the people" crowded around me to obtain eggs or samples of my famed "imported," "superior,"

"magnificent" and "never-to-be-too-much-lauded" pure-bred fowls!

In the official Report upon the first New York show, the Committee of Judges there state that, "though they have been governed by the nomenclature of the list, they by no means a.s.sent to it as a proper cla.s.sification. _Shanghae_ and _Cochin-China_ are convertible terms, and Brahma Pootra is a name for a sub-variety of Shanghaes, of great size and beauty. White _Calcuttas_ and _Hong-Kongs_ were not on exhibition.

Believing them to be inferior specimens of White and Black Shanghaes, it is likely that we would not have awarded them premiums, if found. In lieu thereof, we have a.s.signed several additional second premiums for _Brahma Shanghaes_.

"For the sake of simplicity, we would recommend that _all_ thorough-bred large Asiatic fowls be cla.s.sed under the name of _Shanghae_, to be further designated by their color; and, inasmuch as these shows are intended not solely for the aggrandizement of breeders, but for the purpose of converting 'Henology' into a science, we would earnestly suggest that all ridiculous, unmeaning _aliases_ be abandoned, and a simple, intelligible and truthful cla.s.sification strictly observed."

After quoting this, the writer above alluded to objects to the recommendation to call _all_ Asiatic fowls _Shanghaes_, notwithstanding the action of the Committees of the National Society. He insists:

"This is a ridiculous affair, and we call on fowl-breeders to _veto_ this nonsense at the outset. Just imagine what a ridiculous figure breeders would cut in calling their fowls '_Brahma_ Shanghaes,' '_Chittagong_ Shanghaes,' &c.! Why this desire to overturn _established_ names? It arises from a _prejudice_ against the _name_ 'Brahma Pootra,' and a desire to _put down_ that popular breed. Again: _Who_ are the gentlemen who recommend such a course?

Why don't they give their _names_? These 'recommendations' and 'resolutions' are no more the act of the _National Poultry Society_ than of the Emperor of Russia! Where were the _forty_ MANAGERS when the above 'resolution' was pa.s.sed? _We_, as _one_, were not there; and we learn that not over _three_ out of the entire number were present, and that the resolution was pa.s.sed by _outsiders_, and, perhaps, influenced to do so by G.P. Burnham, of '_Grey Shanghae_'