NIC. FROG.--This Ecclesdown Castle is only a bone of contention.

JOHN BULL.--It depends upon you to make it so; for my part, I am as peaceable as a lamb.

NIC. FROG.--But do you consider the unwholesomeness of the air and soil, the expenses of reparations and servants? I would scorn to accept of such a quagmire.

JOHN BULL.--You are a great man, Nic., but in my circ.u.mstances I must be e'en content to take it as it is.

NIC. FROG.--And you are really so silly as to believe the old cheating rogue will give it you?

JOHN BULL.--I believe nothing but matter of fact; I stand and fall by that. I am resolved to put him to it.

NIC. FROG.--And so relinquish the hopefullest cause in the world: a claim that will certainly in the end make thy fortune for ever.

JOHN BULL.--Wilt thou purchase it, Nic.? thou shalt have a lumping pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee something to take it off my hands.

NIC. FROG.--If thou wouldst but moderate that hasty, impatient temper of thine, thou shouldst quickly see a better thing than all that. What shouldst thou think to find old Lewis turned out of his paternal estates and mansion-house of Claypool?* Would not that do thy heart good, to see thy old friend, Nic. Frog, Lord of Claypool? Then thou and thy wife and children should walk in my gardens, buy toys, drink lemonade, and now and then we should have a country dance.

* Claypool, Paris--Lutetia.

JOHN BULL.--I love to be plain: I'd as lief see myself in Ecclesdown Castle as thee in Claypool. I tell you again, Lewis gives this as a pledge of his sincerity; if you won't stop proceeding to hear him, I will.

CHAPTER XXI. The rest of Nic.'s fetches to keep John out of Ecclesdown Castle.*

* Attempts to hinder the cessation, and taking possession of Dunkirk.

When Nic. could not dissuade John by argument, he tried to move his pity; he pretended to be sick and like to die; that he should leave his wife and children in a starving condition, if John did abandon him; that he was hardly able to crawl about the room, far less capable to look after such a troublesome business as this lawsuit, and therefore begged that his good friend would not leave him. When he saw that John was still inexorable, he pulled out a case-knife, with which he used to snicker-snee, and threatened to cut his own throat. Thrice he aimed the knife to his windpipe with a most determined threatening air. "What signifies life," quoth he, "in this languishing condition? It will be some pleasure that my friends will revenge my death upon this barbarous man that has been the cause of it." All this while John looked sedate and calm, neither offering in the least to s.n.a.t.c.h the knife, nor stop his blow, trusting to the tenderness Nic. had for his own person. When he perceived that John was immovable in his purpose, he applied himself to Lewis.

"Art thou," quoth he, "turned bubble in thy old age, from being a sharper in thy youth? What occasion hast thou to give up Ecclesdown Castle to John Bull? His friendship is not worth a rush. Give it me, and I'll make it worth thy while. If thou dislikest that proposition, keep it thyself; I'd rather thou shouldst have it than he. If thou hearkenest not to my advice, take what follows; Esquire South and I will go on with our lawsuit in spite of John Bull's teeth."

LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull has used me like a gentleman, and I am resolved to make good my promise, and trust him for the consequences.

NIC. FROG.--Then I tell thee thou art an old doating fool.--With that Nic. bounced up with a spring equal to that of one of your nimblest tumblers or rope-dancers, and fell foul upon John Bull, to s.n.a.t.c.h the cudgel* he had in his hand, that he might thwack Lewis with it: John held it fast so that there was no wrenching it from him. At last Squire South buckled to, to a.s.sist his friend Nic.: John hauled on one side, and they two on the other. Sometimes they were like to pull John over, then it went all of a sudden again on John's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, from one end of the room to the other. Down tumbled the tables, bottles, gla.s.ses, and tobacco-pipes; the wine and the tobacco were all spilt about the room, and the little fellows were almost trod under foot, till more of the tradesmen joining with Nic. and the Squire, John was hardly able to pull against then all, yet would he never quit hold of his trusty cudgel: which by the contrary force of two so great powers broke short in his hands.** Nic. seized the longer end, and with it began to bastinado old Lewis, who had slunk into a corner, waiting the event of this squabble. Nic. came up to him with an insolent menacing air, so that the old fellow was forced to scuttle out of the room, and retire behind a dung-cart. He called to Nic., "Thou insolent jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so; thou now takest me unprovided; but, old and infirm as I am, I shall find a weapon by-and-by to chastise thy impudence."

* The army.

** The separation of the army.

When John Bull had recovered his breath, he began to parley with Nic.: "Friend Nic., I am glad to find thee so strong after thy great complaints; really thy motions, Nic., are pretty vigorous for a consumptive man. As for thy worldly affairs, Nic., if it can do thee any service, I freely make over to thee this profitable lawsuit, and I desire all these gentlemen to bear witness to this my act and deed.

Yours be all the gain, as mine has been the charges. I have brought it to bear finely: however, all I have laid out upon it goes for nothing--thou shalt have it with all its appurtenances; I ask nothing but leave to go home."

NIC. FROG.--The counsel are fee'd, and all things prepared for a trial; thou shalt be forced to stand the issue; it shall be pleaded in thy name as well as mine. Go home if thou canst; the gates are shut, the turnpikes locked, and the roads barricaded.*

* Difficulty of the march of part of the army to Dunkirk.

JOHN BULL.--Even these very ways, Nic., that thou toldest me were as open to me as thyself, if I can't pa.s.s with my own equipage, what can I expect for my goods and wagons? I am denied pa.s.sage through those very grounds that I have purchased with my own money. However, I am glad I have made the experiment; it may serve me in some stead.

John Bull was so overjoyed that he was going to take possession of Ecclesdown, that nothing could vex him. "Nic.," quoth he, "I am just a-going to leave thee; cast a kind look upon me at parting."

Nic. looked sour and glum, and would not open his mouth.

JOHN BULL.--I wish thee all the success that thy heart can desire, and that these honest gentlemen of the long robe may have their belly full of law.

Nic. could stand it no longer, but flung out of the room with disdain, and beckoned the lawyers to follow him.

JOHN BULL.--B'ye, b'ye, Nic,; not one poor smile at parting? won't you shake your day-day, Nic? b'ye, Nic.--With that John marched out of the common road, across the country, to take possession of Ecclesdown.

CHAPTER XXII. Of the great joy that John expressed when he got possession of Ecclesdown.*

* Dunkirk.

When John had got into his castle he seemed like Ulysses upon his plank after he had been well soused in salt water, who, as Homer says, was as glad as a judge going to sit down to dinner after hearing a long cause upon the bench. I daresay John Bull's joy was equal to that of either of the two; he skipped from room to room, ran up-stairs and down-stairs, from the kitchen to the garrets, and from the garrets to the kitchen; he peeped into every cranny; sometimes he admired the beauty of the architecture and the vast solidity of the mason's work; at other times he commended the symmetry and proportion of the rooms. He walked about the gardens; he bathed himself in the ca.n.a.l, swimming, diving, and beating the liquid element like a milk-white swan. The hall resounded with the sprightly violin and the martial hautbois. The family tripped it about, and capered like hailstones bounding from a marble floor.

Wine, ale, and October flew about as plentifully as kennel-water. Then a frolic took John in the head to call up some of Nic. Frog's pensioners that had been so mutinous in his family.

JOHN BULL.--Are you glad to see your master in Ecclesdown Castle?

ALL.--Yes, indeed, sir.

JOHN BULL.--Extremely glad?

ALL.--Extremely glad, sir.

JOHN BULL.--Swear to me that you are so.

Then they began to sink their souls to the lowest pit if any person in the world rejoiced more than they did.

JOHN BULL.--Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of perjured rascals; however, take this b.u.mper of October to your master's health.

Then John got upon the battlements, and looking over he called to Nic.

Frog.--

"How d'ye do, Nic.? D'ye see where I am, Nic.? I hope the cause goes on swimmingly, Nic. When dost thou intend to go to Claypool, Nic.? Wilt thou buy there some high heads of the newest cut for my daughters? How comest thou to go with thy arm tied up? Has old Lewis given thee a rap over thy fingers' ends? Thy weapon was a good one when I wielded it, but the b.u.t.t-end remains in my hands. I am so busy in packing up my goods that I have no time to talk with thee any longer. It would do thy heart good to see what wagon-loads I am preparing for market. If thou wantest any good office of mine, for all that has happened I will use thee well, Nic. B'ye, Nic."

POSTSCRIPT.

It has been disputed amongst the literati of Grub Street whether Sir Humphry proceeded any farther into the history of John Bull. By diligent inquiry we have found the t.i.tles of some chapters, which appear to be a continuation of it, and are as follow:--

CHAP. I.--How John was made angry with the Articles of Agreement. How he kicked the Parchment through the House, up-stairs and down-stairs, and put himself in a great Heat thereby.

CHAP. II.--How in his Pa.s.sion he was going to cut off Sir Roger's head with a Cleaver. Of the strange manner of Sir Roger's escaping the blow, by laying his Head upon the Dresser.

CHAP. III.--How some of John's Servants attempted to scale his House with Rope Ladders, and how many unfortunately dangled in the same.