John wisely stifled his resentments, and told the company that in a little time he should give them law, or something better.

ALL.--*Law! law! sir, by all means. What is twenty-two poor years towards the finishing a lawsuit? For the love of G.o.d, more law, sir!

* Clamours for continuing the war.

JOHN BULL.--Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want, that I may order my affairs accordingly. In the meanwhile, farewell.

CHAPTER XVII. How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home.*

Nic. Frog, who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market, and there disposing of him as his own proper goods, was mad to find that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs. He resolved to traverse this new project, and to make him uneasy in his own family. He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most extravagant conceits in the world: that their master was run mad, and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis, disinherited his heir, and was going to settle his estate upon a parish-boy; that if they did not look after their master, he would do some very mischievous thing. When John came home, he found a more surprising scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was somewhat extraordinary.

* Clamours about the danger of the succession.

He called his cook-maid Betty to bespeak his dinner. Betty told him "That she begged his pardon, she could not dress dinner till she knew what he intended to do with his will." "Why, Betty," quoth John, "thou art not run mad, art thou? My will at present is to have dinner." "That may be," quoth Betty, "but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till I know whether you intend to do righteous things by your heir." "I am sorry for that, Betty," quoth John; "I must find somebody else, then."

Then he called John the barber. "Before I begin," quoth John, "I hope your honour won't be offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will? If you won't give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle for me." "'Igad, so it shall," quoth Bull, "for I will never trust my throat in such a mad fellow's hands. Where's d.i.c.k the butler?" "Look ye," quoth d.i.c.k, "I am very willing to serve you in my calling, d'you see, but there are strange reports, and plain-dealing is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to your nephew and if Nic. Frog is still your executor, d'ye see. If you will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the ducks."

"And so I will," quoth John, "rather than keep a butler that loves my heir better than myself." Hob the shoemaker, and p.r.i.c.ket the tailor, told him they would most willingly serve him in their several stations if he would promise them never to talk with Lewis Baboon, and let Nicholas Frog, linen-draper, manage his concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas.

JOHN BULL.--Call Andrew, my journeyman. How goes affairs, Andrew? I hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too.

ANDREW.--No, sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were dead?

JOHN BULL.--Just as other dead folks do, Andrew. [Aside.] This is amazing!

ANDREW.--I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate.

JOHN BULL.--That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder him.

ANDREW.--But will you make it sure?

JOHN BULL.--Thou meanest that I should put him in possession, for I can make it no surer without that. He has all the law can give him.

ANDREW.--Indeed, possession, as you say, would make it much surer. They say it is eleven points of the law.

John began now to think that they were all enchanted. He inquired about the age of the moon, if Nic. had not given them some intoxicating potion, or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive? "No, o' my faith,"

quoth Harry, "I believe there is no potion in the case but a little aurum potabile. You will have more of this by-and-by." He had scarce spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted him after the following manner:--

"Since those worthy persons, who are as much concerned for your safety as I am, have employed me as their orator, I desire to know whether you will have it by way of syllogism, enthymem, dilemma, or sorites?"

John now began to be diverted with their extravagance.

JOHN BULL.--Let's have a sorites by all means, though they are all new to me.

FRIEND.--It is evident to all that are versed in history that there were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago. Therefore it plainly follows that it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse with Lewis Baboon. If it is not lawful for John Bull to have any manner of intercourse (correspondence, if you will, that is much the same thing) then, a fortiori, it is much more unlawful for the said John to make over his wife and children to the said Lewis. If his wife and children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a dagger and ratsbane in his pockets. If he wears a dagger and ratsbane, it must be to do mischief to himself or somebody else. If he intends to do mischief, he ought to be under guardians, and there is none so fit as myself and some other worthy persons who have a commission for that purpose from Nic. Frog, the executor of his will and testament.

JOHN BULL.--And this is your sorites, you say?

With that he s.n.a.t.c.hed a good tough oaken cudgel, and began to brandish it. Then happy was the man that was first at the door. Crowding to get out, they tumbled down-stairs. And it is credibly reported some of them dropped very valuable things in the hurry, which were picked up by others of the family.

"That any of these rogues," quoth John, "should imagine I am not as much concerned as they about having my affairs in a settled condition, or that I would wrong my heir for I know not what! Well, Nic., I really cannot but applaud thy diligence. I must own this is really a pretty sort of a trick, but it sha'n't do thy business, for all that."

CHAPTER XVIII. How Lewis Baboon came to visit John Bull, and what pa.s.sed between them. *

* Private negotiations about Dunkirk.

I think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the reader that this chapter was not wrote by Sir Humphrey himself, but by another very able pen of the university of Grub Street.

John had, by some good instructions given him by Sir Roger, got the better of his choleric temper, and wrought himself up to a great steadiness of mind to pursue his own interest through all impediments that were thrown in the way. He began to leave off some of his old acquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the streets. He put on a serious air, knit his brows, and, for the time, had made a very considerable progress in politics, considering that he had been kept a stranger to his own affairs. However, he could not help discovering some remains of his nature when he happened to meet with a football or a match at cricket, for which Sir Roger was sure to take him to task.

John was walking about his room with folded arms and a most thoughtful countenance. His servant brought him word that one Lewis Baboon below wanted to speak with him. John had got an impression that Lewis was so deadly cunning a man that he was afraid to venture himself alone with him. At last he took heart of grace. "Let him come up," quoth he; "it is but sticking to my point, and he can never over-reach me."

LEWIS BABOON.--Monsieur Bull, I will frankly acknowledge that my behaviour to my neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you will readily grant me that I have met with usage accordingly. I was fond of back-sword and cudgel-play from my youth, and I now bear in my body many a black and blue gash and scar, G.o.d knows. I had as good a warehouse and as fair possessions as any of my neighbours, though I say it. But a contentious temper, flattering servants, and unfortunate stars have brought me into circ.u.mstances that are not unknown to you. These my misfortunes are heightened by domestic calamities. That I need not relate. I am a poor old battered fellow, and I would willingly end my days in peace. But, alas! I see but small hopes of that, for every new circ.u.mstance affords an argument to my enemies to pursue their revenge.

Formerly I was to be banged because I was too strong, and now because I am too weak to resist; I am to be brought down when too rich, and oppressed when too poor. Nic. Frog has used me like a scoundrel. You are a gentleman, and I freely put myself in your hands to dispose of me as you think fit.

JOHN BULL.--Look you, Master Baboon, as to your usage of your neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that chapter. Let it suffice at present that you have been met with. You have been rolling a great stone up-hill all your life, and at last it has come tumbling down till it is like to crush you to pieces. Plain-dealing is best. If you have any particular mark, Mr. Baboon, whereby one may know when you fib and when you speak truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed accordingly. But since at present I know of none such, it is better that you should trust me than that I should trust you.

LEWIS BABOON.--I know of no particular mark of veracity amongst us tradesmen but interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at this time. You may safely trust me, I can a.s.sure you.

JOHN BULL.--The trust I give is, in short, this: I must have something in hand before I make the bargain, and the rest before it is concluded.

LEWIS BABOON.--To show you I deal fairly, name your something.

JOHN BULL.--I need not tell thee, old boy; thou canst guess.

LEWIS BABOON.--Ecclesdown Castle,* I'll warrant you, because it has been formerly in your family. Say no more; you shall have it.

* Dunkirk.

JOHN BULL.--I shall have it to my own self?

LEWIS BABOON.--To thine own self.

JOHN BULL.--Every wall, gate, room, and inch of Ecclesdown Castle, you say?

LEWIS BABOON.--Just so.

JOHN BULL.--Every single stone of Ecclesdown Castle, to my own self, speedily?

LEWIS BABOON.--When you please; what needs more words?

JOHN BULL.--But tell me, old boy, hast thou laid aside all thy equivocals and mentals in this case?

LEWIS BABOON.--There's nothing like matter of fact; seeing is believing.

JOHN BULL.--Now thou talkest to the purpose; let us shake hands, old boy. Let me ask thee one question more; what hast thou to do to meddle with the affairs of my family? to dispose of my estate, old boy?