What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet done? Stop a minute.

Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off its guard.

Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its turning is the result of conviction.

Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.

Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it out.

What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox.

Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an auger-ill.

What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are "week" days.

What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment.

Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an airy-naught (aeronaut).

Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody.

Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.

Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.

If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the spring, unless he makes a summerset between them.

What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She weighs anchor.

Why is a washerwoman like Sat.u.r.day? Because she brings in the close (clothes) of the week.

When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one.

Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his own (k)nell.

What is it which covers a mult.i.tude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone.

Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder?

Because both submit to a forced sail.

Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one side and tail's on the other.

What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters.

Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.

What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it.

Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the age of discretion.

Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible means of support.

What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The one makes facsimiles, the other sick families.

Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands over four feet.

Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That the people may not try to drown their losses.

What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone.

What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave.

Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked automobile? They've both got flat tire.

Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up his plot.

Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he immediately removes his weeds.

Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall from his eyes.

How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up.

How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the orderly obeys orders from headquarters.

What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank.

Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you a-light.

Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social reprobate? Because he's too fast.

Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.

What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it has a mile between its first and last letters.

Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound troy.

What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an impression.

Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (too).

Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.

That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice.

When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.

When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms.