My father walked towards us in his weekend clothes and we spied on him from exactly where we stood. He turned the light on in the hallway and turned it straight off again, once he could see where he was going. And then he opened the front door, so quietly, so carefully, as if this one gentle act could erase all the anguish of the night. He closed it so precisely it barely made a sound, it just sort of clicked shut and sighed. Daniel and I stood there, motionless and alert, listening to the beat of our own breathing. Had he seen us? It seemed impossible that he hadn't. Was he cross with us for coming down? Would he punish us in some small way in the morning?

'Quick,' said Daniel, pulling me to the window, 'he's getting into the car.'

My father was sat in the front seat. He had something in his hand, he was reading. He'd turned the light on to see it better and if we peered hard enough we could just make out his face. It didn't look like my father's face any more; the stuffing had gone out of it, all the firmness. It was deflated, loose, without support. His shoulders moved up and down like he was dancing, but his chin sat heavy on his chest.

'What's he doing?' I said.

I knew the answer to this question, but I needed to have it confirmed. It was the moment I realised he was fallible; the moment I knew he wasn't strong. This man that could pick up all three of usDaniel, Sylvie and Iin one arm. This man that smelt of brick dust and concrete.

'What's he doing?' I said, again. 'What is he doing?'

I thought I knew exactly what my brother would say but I wasn't prepared for the dreadfulness of his answer.

'It's obvious, isn't it? he said, quietly. 'He's crying. Dad's crying again.'

Killing Harvey Weinstein

Huey is more agitated than I would have liked. When we get back to the apartmenttired, hot and laid low with jet-laghe's tearing about the kitchen in a rage. His teeth are chattering like castanets and he's repeatedly slapping his leg. The snake is on the move again, it's escaped from its tank. He has to find it in the next ten minutes (before Tess arrives home from her teeth whitening appointment) or he's a dead man.

'Jee-suz. Harvey, come on, man. I was only trying to stroke you. I wasn't trying to kill you or nothin'. Harvey, little Haaaarvey Haaaarvey. I got some nice mice babies for you, right here. You want some mice babies? They're extra soft. Come on now, stop d.i.c.kin' me around!'

A sound at the door. A click of a key. Tess is back already, she's early.

'f.u.c.k, man, no no. She's going to kill me. You have to do something, you have have to help.' to help.'

'What can we do?' says Michael, looking anxious. 'None of us knows where he is.'

'He's under there.'

'The cooker cooker?'

'I think so. He slithered in here a couple hours ago and I totally forgot all about him. I switched on the oven to bake some mini-pizzas just before you guys turned up, and I noticed smoke coming out from underneath it. I think I must have cooked him. f.u.c.k, man. Oh f.u.c.k f.u.c.k...I cooked the snake.'

Tess goes from placid to hysterical in under a second, it's the most incongruous thing. Her teeth, white as snow, smiling all by themselves; her lips all snarling and twisted. And Huey, tearing frantically at his smooth, bald head; motioning the pulling out of hair where there is none.

'I leave you alone for a second...this is what you do, you freakin' idiot. Huey, you stupid freakin' is what you do, you freakin' idiot. Huey, you stupid freakin' idiot idiot.'

'Tess, don't get mad now...come on, don't get all crazy. That snake just won't stay in his friggin' tank.'

'That's because he's afraid afraid of you.' of you.'

'He's a boa constrictor...what the f.u.c.k has he got to be afraid of?'

'He knows you hate him, he's not stupid. He's aware that you're trying to kill him.'

'I'm not trying to kill him, I like like him. Why would he think that I hate him?' him. Why would he think that I hate him?'

'Why else would you give him a name like that? Why else would you name him Harvey Weinstein?'

'It suits him.'

'Why?'

'He's a snake snake.'

'No Huey, that's not good enough. He's a happy reptile, he's sweet. He and I, we've got a special bond. He's intuitive, you know, he's very intuitive. He knows exactly exactly what you think of him...he does.' what you think of him...he does.'

'I like him.'

'No, no you don't. Only last year you tried to kidnap his namesake and kill him. You were going to force feed him poison.'

'It wasn't poison, Tess. It was Rogaine.'

'What's the difference? He would have grown hair on his gullet and choked. You think that's a nice way to die?'

'He wasn't going to die, come on on now. I was never going to kill him, not really. I was just going to scare him a little bit.' now. I was never going to kill him, not really. I was just going to scare him a little bit.'

'Only because they stopped you just in time time. Only because they took out a restraining restraining order against you.' order against you.'

'Well...'

'And had you arrested.'

'Hey, don't side with the law, Tess. You know that was a total...like...overreaction.'

'Huey, it was not not an overreaction. You tried to poison the biggest film producer in Hollywood. You're barred from California for the rest of your an overreaction. You tried to poison the biggest film producer in Hollywood. You're barred from California for the rest of your life life.'

'He ruined my career career,' says Huey, slapping at his head. 'You think that's fair, Tess? That he totally ruined ruined my career.' my career.'

'How is that the snake's fault, Huey...how!'

Tess is. .h.i.tting Huey with her shopping bag, a blue and white carrier from Gap.

'If he's cooked it's your fault,' she says, laying into him. 'If he's dead, then you're you're dead too. If you've damaged a single shiny scale on his cute albino head, if any harm has come to my... dead too. If you've damaged a single shiny scale on his cute albino head, if any harm has come to my...look! There he is...Harvey There he is...Harvey Weinstein Weinstein, behind the fridge. Come here to Mommy. Come here to Mommy, Harvey Weinstein.'

The snake sticks it's head out from behind the fridge, slowly, tentatively; it's bright red tongue darting back and forth. n.o.body moves, we don't want to scare it. Tess is sobbing with joy.

'Quick, Huey. Tell him that you love him.'

'f.u.c.k that, no. No way.'

'Get down on your knees here, and tell tell my d.a.m.n snake that you love him.' my d.a.m.n snake that you love him.'

'Tess, you've gone, like, totally AWOL. There's no way in the world I'm going to do this.'

'You get down there and apologise to him, Huey. Right now now. Or so help me G.o.d, I'll never let you near my a.s.s again as long as you live.'

A sharp intake of breath from me and Michael. Huey sighs and gets down on his knees.

'Closer.'

Huey gets closer.

'Say it, we don't have all day.'

Huey looks at the snake. The snake looks at Huey.

'I, uh...hey, man. I uh...love you...'

'No, no, that's not right. Say the whole thing. Say it properly. SayI love you, Harvey Weinstein.'

'You've got to be kidding kidding me.' me.'

She's not.

Huey gives Tess a pleading look but she just won't budge. She nudges his shoulder with the heel of her shoe and tells him to hurry up and be quick. Huey lets out a moan. His face contorts, his lips can barely stand to form the words.

'I love you,' he says, finally, tears of resignation in his eyes. 'I love...I love you, Harvey Weinstein.'

It works like a charm. The snake crawls out from underneath the fridge and sidles straight over to Tess. Huey collapses in a heap, overcome by what he's just done.

'Thanks baby,' she says, brightly, bending down to pick up the snake. 'I know how hard that must have been for you to do.'

Huey can only manage a grunt.

'I'll fix us all something to drink, how 'bout that? Soon as Harvey Weinstein's safely back in his tank. I'll fix us all a pitcher of frozen margaritas? I'll use my extra special recipe, what do you say?'

'Thanks,' says Michael. 'That would be nice.'

Tess sets the jug of lime-green liquid on the table and pours each of us a generous gla.s.s. We down the first batch pretty quickly and mix up another just as fast. Huey is recovering from his ordeal, slowly; it's taken him a while to find the strength to speak. Neither of them refer directly to what's just happened. They don't apologise or say something to the effect of, Well, Claire, well Michael, you must think we're pretty strange, am I right? You must think we're both pretty highly strung? Well, Claire, well Michael, you must think we're pretty strange, am I right? You must think we're both pretty highly strung? This, it seems, is another regular day for them; just another raucous South Beach evening. This, it seems, is another regular day for them; just another raucous South Beach evening.

'So, Huey,' I say, 'if you don't mind me asking, why exactly did you...'

'Try to kill Harvey Weinstein?'

'Yes...I mean it's fine, if you don't want to talk about it.'

'No, that's OK. It's a pretty simple story, as a matter of fact. It happened just after I lost all my hair. I wore a wig for a while, you know, to go to auditions and stuff, but I still wasn't getting any work. Then, out of nowhere, when I'd just about given up hope, I landed this once-in-a-lifetime role. Would have been a total comeback for me. Would have set up my entire career.'

'Anyway,' he says, miserably, 'it was all worked out. My agent said I had the part, the director said I had the part, and I'm just about to sign the contract in front of them bothI have the pen in my actual handwhen there's a glitch. Producer calls up before I've had time to write my name, says he doesn't want me for the role any more. Says the romantic lead in a movie of this stature has got to have all his own hair. What about Bruce Willis, I say. Not important, he says. People still remember Willis with hair.'

'And then his wig starts to slip,' says Tess, bleakly.

'Yeah. And then the wig, it starts slipping. I don't notice it at first, I can't feel it. By the time I realise what's going on, the rug's slipped so far back they can all see exactly how bald I am. And, 'cos I'm so wound upI'm practically begging for the job by nowmy forehead, it's all slicked up with sweat. Then my teeth, they start chattering and the director, he says, "What the f.u.c.k is that? Is that you? you?" Up until that point I think he would have fought for me, you know? You should have seen my audition tape, man, it was immense.'

'It was awesome, you really ought to see it.'

'They ripped the part right out from under me. All because of that phone call. All because the producer had seen me in some c.r.a.ppy science fiction pilot playing a hairless Venetian.'

'Venutian.'

'Whatever. But it was all down to that one guy. Har...Har...well, you both know his name. You both know exactly who I mean.'

Tess hugs Huey and gives him a kiss and we nod and sip our margaritas. They're excellent, they're beginning to work. Slowly, quietly, ever so gently, everyone's starting to relax.

'So how was your day?' says Tess, brightly. 'You get any lead on your brother?'

'No, I didn't, not really.'

'That's a shame.'

'Claire went to her old building,' Michael says, licking salt off the rim of his gla.s.s. 'She got a little upset.'

'Oh, Baby, I'm so sorry,' says Tess, stroking my arm. 'I know exactly how you feel. I feel like that every time I drive past the women's penitentiary. Even though my mum isn't in there any more, it still brings the whole thing right back to me.'

'What did she...'

'Get imprisoned for? Cheque-book fraud. And arson, a little bit.'

'I see.'

'I guess that was the last time you were all together as a complete family, am I right? Must have been pretty hard for you to go back there. Especially with your brother missing and everything?'

She really is the strangest kind of woman; just when you think she's as mad as a fish she says something generous and perceptive.

'Huey and Harvey are my family now,' she says. 'You have to make your family where you can. I have a sister called Rita, she lives in Wyoming, farms emus, so I don't really see her all that much. Still, at least I know where she's at, right?'

Huey smiles. Michael licks up more salt.

'Hey,' says Tess, eagerly. 'I know what we should do. Let's all four of us make a list. Claire is on a mission here, we ought to get busy. We should write down everything we know, everything we can think of that might help her. Huey and I know Miami like the back of our hand, we must be able to come up with some ideas of where to look, right?'

I can feel my limbs going soft. I like the idea of everybody helping; I like the idea of everybody joining in. My cheeks ache, I'm smiling like a fool. Michael is...Michael is drooling.

'Everybody feeling a bit better now, huh?'

It's true, we're all feeling much better.

'Must be the jet-lag wearing off,' I say, contentedly.

'That's probably got something to do with it,' Tess says. 'But more likely it's my special recipe margaritas. Secret is to crush a little Valium in with the salt. Makes a whole heap of difference. The c.o.c.ktail can taste bitter if you mix it in direct, so it's better if you just crush the pick-me-up into the salt.'