HER. You like that style?

DIO. Like it? I dote upon it.

HER. I vow it's ribald nonsense, and you know it.

DIO. "Rule not my mind": you've got a house to mind.

HER. Really and truly though 'tis paltry stuff.

DIO. Teach me to dine!

XAN. But never a word of me.

DIO. But tell me truly-'twas for this I came Dressed up to mimic you-what friends received And entertained you when you went below To bring back Cerberus, in case I need them.

And tell me too the havens, fountains, shops, Roads, resting-places, stews, refreshment rooms, Towns, lodgings, hostesses, with whom were found The fewest bugs.

XAN. But never a word of me.

HER. You are really game to go?

DIO. O drop that, can't you? And tell me this: of all the roads you know Which is the quickest way to get to Hades? I want one not too warm, nor yet too cold.

HER. Which shall I tell you first? which shall it be?

There's one by rope and bench: you launch away And-hang yourself.

DIO. No thank you: that's too stifling.

HER. Then there's a track, a short and beaten cut.

By pestle and mortar.

DIO. Hemlock, do you mean?

HER. Just so.

DIO. No, that's too deathly cold a way; You have hardly started ere your shins get numbed.

HER. Well, would you like a steep and swift descent?

DIO. Aye, that's the style: my walking powers are small.

HER. Go down to the Cerameicus.

DIO. And do what?

HER. Climb to the tower's top pinnacle-

DIO. And then?

HER. Observe the torch-race started, and when all The mult.i.tude is shouting Let them go, Let yourself go.

DIO. Go whither?

HER. To the ground.

DIO. O that would break my brain's two envelopes. I'll not try that

HER. Which will you try?

DIO. The way you went yourself.

HER. A parlous voyage that, For first you'll come to an enormous lake Of fathomless depth.

DIO. And how am I to cross?

HER. An ancient mariner will row you over In a wee boat, so big.

The fare's two obols.

DIO. Fie! The power two obols have, the whole world through!

How came they thither?

HER. Theseus took them down.

And next you'll see great snakes and savage monsters In tens of thousands.

DIO. You needn't try to scare me, I'm going to go.

HER. Then weltering seas of filth And ever-rippling dung: and plunged therein, Whoso has wronged the stranger here on earth, Or robbed his boylove of the promised pay, Or swinged his mother, or profanely smitten His father's cheek, or sworn an oath forsworn, Or copied out a speech of Morsimus.

DIO. There too, perdie, should he be plunged, whoe'er Has danced the sword-dance of Cinesias.

HER. And next the breath of flutes will float around you, And glorious sunshine, such as ours, you'll see, And myrtle groves, and happy bands who clap Their hands in triumph, men and women too.

DIO. And who are they?

HER. The happy mystic bands.

XAN. And I'm the donkey in the mystery show.

But I'll not stand it, not one instant longer.

HER. Who'll tell you everything you want to know.

You'll find them dwelling close beside the road You are going to travel, just at Pluto's gate.

And fare thee well, my brother.

DIO. And to you Good cheer.

(To Xan.) Now sirrah, pick you up the traps.

XAN. Before I've put them down?

DIO. And quickly too.

XAN. No, prithee, no; but hire a body, one They're carrying out, on purpose for the trip.

DIO. If I can't find one?

XAN. Then I'll take them.

DIO. Good. And see! they are carrying out a body now.

Hallo! you there, you deadman, are you willing To carry down our little traps to Hades?

CORPSE. What are they?

DIO. These.

CORP. Two drachmas for the job?

DIO. Nay, that's too much.