=PHILOSOPHER= One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

=PHILOSOPHY= Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor.

=PIANO= A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

=PIN= The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.

=PING-PONG= A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery dealers.

=PITY= An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead.

=PLATONIC LOVE= An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed.

=PLENTY= A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever Extravagance steps in.

=PLUM= A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but only after careful grafting.

=PLUMB= To ascertain the capacity of.

=PLUMBER= One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."

=POLE-CAT= A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better.

=POLICEMAN=

[Ill.u.s.tration]

A never present help in time of trouble.

=POLYGAMY= A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

=POLYGLOT= A parrot that can swear in several languages.

=POSTSCRIPT= The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

=PRETZEL= The bar-keeper's promoter.

=PROTECTION= Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.

=PRO= and =CON= Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example, Progress and Congress.

=PRUDE= A native of Boston.

=PRUDENCE= A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.

=PRUDERY= A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of hair.

=PRUNE= A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.

=PUGILIST= A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till he's out.