Am I scaring you? With this together talk?

Are you always this blunt? Like last night, when he hadnt so much talked her into bed as talked her straight at it.

Only when I really want something.

Her. He wanted her.

Samantha didnt get it.

Hank was the total package, from his s.e.xy surfer-boy hair to the fact that he literally helped little old ladies across the street (shed seen him do it once after a training session). His job was saving lives. He ran into burning buildings instead of away.

Samantha didnt drink anymore. That was her claim to any kind of success. That and Daring Darling, which, yes, was her baby, and she prayed it grew into something really fine, something to be proud of.

But Hank was Hank. The boy shed let go, the man she knew shed never deserve, and instead, he was sitting on the bed with her, watching her as if he wanted more than just to kiss her. Watching her with suchgenerous, inviting warmth.

Maybe she had found something too terrifying. Maybe he was the cliff she wouldnt be brave enough to leap from.

Maybe safety was the thing she was most scared of.

I should go, she said, splashing coffee on the bedding as she moved too quickly.

Whats the hurry? He glanced at the clock. Youre not working at the bagel shop today or you would have been there two hours ago.

Good grief. She didnt work today, but that was only luck. When shed fallen asleep in Hanks arms, she hadnt given a single thought to the next day. I just have some things I have to do Okay. Wanna get breakfast first?

She did. Oh, how she did. She wanted to borrow a fire department sweatshirt from him and go to Mabels Cafe. She wanted to slide into a red booth across from him. She wanted to sneak bacon off his plate and laugh as regulars came up and talked to him just because he was Hank Coffee and everyone in town loved him.

If only she could do it. If only the security he offered didnt scare the h.e.l.l out of her.

Ive got eggs at home. Ive got to work on a fiscal report thing for the bank"theyre just about ready to put the loan into my name Samantha caught her breath. Once her business was in her name and not her sisters, it made it real.

It meant she would stay. That shed have no option of running. Not that she wanted to"she didnt. But she couldnt know she wouldnt want to someday. That wasnt fair to anyone, not to Grace, not to the man looking at her with such sweet intensity.

Anyway, she went on lamely. Thanks for the Ill see you at the Samantha. Im in love with you.

Whoa, buddy. Back that truck up. She held up her hand as she clutched the sheet to her chest more tightly. Um.

He laughed, and the world tilted on its axis. The only thing she wanted was to crawl into his lap and stay there forever. Instead, she scanned the room for her clothing. There, over the low chest of drawers, was her bra. Her shirt was on the floor by the closet, and who knew where her jeans had landed?

Hank leaned forward and cupped her face with one hand. Im so in love with you it hurts.

CHAPTER NINETEEN.

SAMANTHA STUTTERED AS she spoke. N-no, youre just Youre just feeling something from the past. You never recovered from the girl I was, and Im sorry about that I never recovered from you. The woman you were and the woman you are, Sam. Im in love with you and I figure Ill just keep telling you that. Its okay if you dont believe me today. But its the truth. I think its always been true. I just didnt know it until now. He whispered a kiss against her ear, sending chills down Samantha's back.

No, no. She couldnt do this to him. She scooted to the edge of the bed, taking the sheet with her. Swinging her legs to the floor, she said, It wont last. Im not a good bet. Man, that hurt to say out loud.

I know youre not. But even so, I find myself wanting to risk it all on the dice.

Yeah, well, I dont date gamblers.

Maybe Im just hoping Im the lucky type.

Samantha couldnt help smiling. Well, someones glib this morning. Are you always this silver-tongued when you wake up?

Only when my tongues been recently limbered up.

Samantha felt herself blush.

Then she pressed the flat of her palm onto his chest. His skin was warm, the muscles taut. Oh, how she wanted to move her hand against him more, to feel Hank. Keep your heart safe for someone who deserves it.

He caught her hand and pressed it against his skin. What about your heart?

Its good. Not broken. Yet. Look, Im just trying to keep us both safe.

He laughed and she felt the sound beat inside him. Thats my job.

No.

Oh, yeah. Hank leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss against her lips, surprising in its sweetness. How did he taste like that? Like everything Samantha had never known she wanted?

I love you, he said. Ill keep you safe. Thats what I want to do.

The sadness felt like ice water. But I dont need you to.

You do, he said. Youve been hurt in the past. You deserve someone to take care of you.

Sure, my hearts been broken"but I lived through it. Nothing shed ever gone through would hurt like walking out Hanks door this morning was going to.

But Hank paused and threaded his fingers with hers. The rape. I know you dont Samantha didnt talk about that. Oh, no.

I get it. I want you to know Im here for you. It seemed like his chest broadened as he said the words, as if he thought he could physically shield her from everything that could hurt her.

But he did not get to bring that topic up to use it for his own gain. I told the women that. Not you.

You should have told me, though.

Samantha felt her heart speed up, pumping with sudden anger. She jerked her hand back. No. I didnt have to do a thing. Thats my history. Not yours.

I want it to be ours. His voice softened. You should have told me. I wish you had. I wish I could have been there for you, instead of hearing about it for the first time in front of strangers.

But you couldnt help me. The rape had been one of the most terrible things that Samantha had ever experienced. It had also been her thing. Shed gotten through it. Maybe she hadnt handled it in the most healthy way possible, but that was because she hadnt known then what she knew now"that things didnt stay buried. That it was better to deal with things head-on before they roiled out of control. That alcohol and pills didnt help. That men who loved her, as earnest as they were, didnt help, either.

Which was exactly why she had to get out of here, before she broke her own heart, and so much worse, his. Seriously, you couldnt have helped me back then. I wasnt very helpable.

Hank made a frustrated noise and reached over the edge of the bed to the floor. He jerked a blue fire department T-shirt over his head. You dont know that. I want you to feel safe, the way Linda said she did when her husband was alive.

That was the whole problem. Linda needed to feel safe by herself. Linda lost the one person she could rely on. That was a bet she lost. We all lose. You should understand risk better than anyone. Youre a firefighter. You cant promise to come home to me. Not that she meant To anyone, she corrected herself.

Hank tilted his head. Theres risk, yeah. But Im the safest one on the crew. I never leap before I look. Protocol is there for a reason, and I follow it"

Rules arent all theyre cracked up to be, Samantha said as gently as she could. Youre too safe. Remember, way back then, when you made me promise you that at least when I was with Vicente that I would always wear a helmet?

Yeah, he said. Then you rode off into the sunset without one. I watched you go. I was so mad at you for that, Samantha.

But I didnt die. She tugged on the sheet hed pulled from her when hed reached for his shirt.

You could have.

Gah! Thats the point, Hank. I didnt die. It sounds obvious, but its pretty simple: we dont die from the things that dont kill us. And the exhilaration we feel from doing the wrong thing can be amazing. Riding across the Mohave at a hundred miles an hour, the hot wind tearing at her hair"it had been one of the most stupid things shed ever done, probably. Shed also never forget"or regret"that ride.

Hank shoved a hand through his messy hair. Shed given him that bedhead, she suddenly realized. Her fingers had done that to his hair last night. And again early that morning.

No, we dont, he said, but people die from the stupid, preventable things. An epileptic man forgot to take his medicine and fell into his fireplace last year.

Samantha gasped.

He went on. What were the odds of that happening? A billion to one? But he could have just chosen to wait to light the fire until his wife got home. That would have saved his life. A woman just last week died of asthma because shed forgotten her inhaler while she was at the gym. Instead of asking them to call 911, she went to the locker room to catch her breath, and instead, died by herself. Stupid, preventable things.

Samantha flexed her fingers in the air as if trying to grasp what she needed. The right words were there, the ones that would make him understand this"she just had to find them. Then why do you try to prevent things? Youre just proving my point. You might as well do whatever you want. Youre going to die anyway.

Kids die, too. The ones whose parents didnt put them in the ca.r.s.eat, because they were only going around the block to grandmas house. A mother of ten-year-old twin girls was killed on her bicycle last year because she fell and hit her head. She wasnt wearing a helmet. She also wasnt carrying any ID, so for about eight hours, no one knew who she was. She was a Jane Doe at the hospital morgue.

Samantha shook her head, not wanting to hear any more, but he kept talking.

I just kept thinking about her daughters and her husband, how long they waited for her to come home before calling the cops to report her missing. The sergeant on the call said they gave up waiting for her for dinner and went to get burgers, but none of them ate anything because they were so scared about her not coming home for the first time ever. How do you plan for that? You dont. But you know how you prevent it from happening? You take all the precautions you can. Like wearing your d.a.m.n helmet which would have saved that womans twins from growing up without a mother.

Have you ever jumped out of a plane?

He shook his head firmly. No. I never would.

Tempting fate?

d.a.m.n straight.

So youll never get to know that rush you feel as you fall and fall and then suddenly youve fallen past the place where you would normally stop and your body tells you youre going to die, and then you pull the ripcord, and youre safe, hanging under the parachute, and the next few minutes of drifting toward mother earth are the sweetest moments of your life. Except for the moments after making love with the man with the eyes to match his last name.

Youre not as daring as you think you are, you know.

Oh, if he was looking for a fight? This was the way to have it. Samantha dropped the sheet and slid off the edge of the bed. She glared at him, hands on her hips, too angry to be embarra.s.sed to be naked in front of him. Where are my jeans?

Youre scared to lose your heart.

Im serious, Hank. She pulled her shirt over her head, not bothering with her bra. Shed shove that in her bag. My jeans?

Youre terrified to love. Youre reckless"sometimes idiotically so"but you wont take a chance on love. Why is that?

Her teeth started to chatter though she wasnt cold. I. Need. My. Jeans.

Its not the rape"rape is about power. It has to have been before that. Your dad?

Are you seriously going to a.n.a.lyze me? Can I put my pants on?

He shrugged. Check under the bed. Were your parents happy?

Samantha scowled. Very.

Is this about your mom?

My mother never got a chance to live. She wanted to take back the words as soon as she uttered them. But it was too late.

Hank leaned against the headboard, his posture open, his eyes clear and sweet and strong. What would it feel like to crawl back into bed? To lean on him?

And he prompted.

She found her underwear next to the bedside table and pulled them on. She died of cancer so young"shed never done anything but get married and have us. Not one other thing.

So you think you have to live for her. I can see that. But is it fair? Is that what she would want?

Of course she would. She regretted everything shed never done. Her last words See it all. Do it all. Samantha had tried to follow her mothers directive. It was even why shed initially learned how to fight. Her mother had always wanted to do judo or taekwondo, but her body had never been strong enough. Samantha had studied the moves"even when she wasnt doing well in her own life, even when she was training through a vodka haze"so she could make her dead mother proud.

Would she want you to take a chance on love?

If Samantha loved, if she stayed in place, her roots would grow, and maybe she wouldnt do all the things she needed to do for her mother. Her head felt fuzzy. That was true, right? Thats what shed believed for so long Hank stayed still as he said, Im taking a chance here. With you. I think we could do this, Samantha. I really do.

But you cant take a chance on anything else.

I dont need to.

No one lives if they dont risk.

Samantha. Hanks voice was scratchy and low. Theres this quote that says you should jump of the cliff and build your wings on the way down. Im risking everything. Right now. Cant you see that? Youve changed me. Im jumping off the cliff. Hoping I have wings.

Samantha pulled on the jeans shed finally dragged out from under the bed and dug an elastic out of the pocket. She pulled back her hair viciously and twisted it into a ponytail. Prove it.

What?

Do something dangerous.

He frowned, and crossed his arms. I dont get it.

Show me youve changed. That you can live on the edge. That you can fly with those wings.