chapter 9.

malene, Iben, and Camilla sit together in silence. Theyre waiting, their hands lying on the table. How will Anne-Lise reply?

Holding the small dish with cheese and liver pate, Anne-Lise stops, her eyes glued to the tabletop. She mumbles an answer, so low that it is hard to grasp what she is saying: I feel the same way as you do. Id like to have someone to talk to.

The responses come in a rush. What do you mean?

You have us to talk to, anytime you like.

Were here for you.

She cant see how she can answer them, how she can be friendly and honest at the same time. She cannot allow the smallest crack in the wall of lies she has built to protect herself, or the truth will come flooding in the real truth full of anger and tears and howls of hatred. She can no longer imagine a constructive way of being truthful.

Anne-Lise remains silent.

Malene apparently takes no notice. She addresses the other two. We know that Anne-Lise doesnt work closely with anyone else. Not the way we do.

Iben and Camilla join in, their voices confident and confiding.

She cant chat the way we do when were sitting at our desks.

But thats hardly our fault.

Come on, n.o.body has said that its anybodys fault.

Anne-Lise, you know you can always come and join us. It isnt as if your office is shut off, is it?

But somehow it sounded as if wed done something wrong.

Oh, no. No.

Anne-Lise, what do you really mean?

Do you think we dont want to talk to you? It sounded a bit like that.

You dont think that, do you? You know you can always come to see us, dont you?

All three of them are looking at her. Anne-Lise summons all her courage to speak. She almost spits out the words, enunciating each one crisply: You three are such good friends. Clearly that is why you speak to each other in a different way from the way you speak to me. She stares at the plate in her hand, then at the lunch table. The smell of the food is getting to her.

Malene smiles. Thats true. Iben and I are old friends and thats you know different from being friendly with people you work with.

Again, their words pour out almost in unison.

Naturally.

People who work together should treat each other well that goes without saying. But thats quite different from being close friends.

Ive come to the library loads of times to ask if you wanted something, like when I was going the bakery or the supermarket.

And when we take a break we always tell you.

Iben leans forward and her face has an earnest expression. We dont always remember to go to the library and tell Anne-Lise if were having an interesting discussion. We probably could do better, couldnt we?

Anne-Lises throat tightens. The conversation isnt over yet.

Malene looks at her and raises her voice just enough to be heard above the other two. Now, you must admit its understandable if anyone talks more with a close friend than with a colleague?

Camilla wont let go either. Theres no way we can work out how much it means to you if you dont tell us. Many people really do prefer to keep to themselves.

Malene nods pleasantly at Camilla. Id like to hear what Anne-Lise has to say.

Anne-Lise realizes that she needs to pee. Her voice is faint. Yes Malene is staring straight at her with genuine interest. Anne-Lise finally tries to say something, more to herself: Yes, of course I understand.

She knows when she tells Henrik about this he will be irritated with her for backing down.

The others continue to protest their innocence to each other.

After a while Anne-Lise tries to add something else. Maybe Id rather not be so She thinks of Henrik and tries to finish her sentence with conviction. Well, it matters to me that Im supposed to keep my door shut.

Camilla suddenly stands. With both hands on the table, she leans toward Anne-Lise. Whats this? Weve been through it before, Anne-Lise. Camilla takes a deep breath and looks at Malene and Iben for support. We agreed! And I dont want to go over it again!

Iben makes a small gesture for Camilla to sit down, but Camilla hasnt finished.

I wont put my health on the line just so the door can be left open. I simply wont!

Iben gently replies. But Anne-Lise didnt say that the door has to be open. Shes only saying it makes a difference to her that its shut.

Anger is bringing out red spots on Camillas neck. Ive read all about it. Its the drafts you dont notice that are the most dangerous. Drafts can make you an invalid! Force you into early retirement!

They all pause, waiting for Anne-Lise to speak. Its too much. Outside the sun breaks through the clouds, suddenly brightening the room.

She opens her mouth, but the words dont come. Suddenly shes aware of pressure behind her eyes. She manages to keep the tears back, but her hands and arms begin to tremble. This will not do. She cant just sit here, speechless and shaking.

The others are exchanging looks.

Oh, theyll be able to use this against her, all right. From now on theyll say she is mentally unstable. She has never trembled like this before, as if she were an alcoholic or a drug addict.

Her words come too quickly: And then theres the whole thing about the library users, the fact that Im not allowed to talk to them. If I could, it would make a difference. In other libraries, researchers contact the librarian. I thought Id be the Centers librarian and people would come to me. I didnt think Id just be doing archival work. Thats what they told me when I was interviewed Malene interrupts. Her voice sounds truly caring, warm and rea.s.suring. Anne-Lise, if you feel like an outsider here, its good that youve told us. We can do something about it now. I must say that I dont believe its the only reason you feel so unhappy, but even if this place isnt as bad as you think, we still need to work something out. You mustnt feel so bad. You can be absolutely certain that we all want to help you.

Anne-Lise raises her head and sees Malene look quickly at the other two, who are nodding nervously.

I think youve made such a good start by telling us about how youve been feeling. Maybe the next thing to do is to arrange a meeting with Paul and decide on some changes together. How do you think that sounds?

It sounds like a good idea.

Great! Well do everything we can to turn this office into a good place to work.

Okay. Anne-Lise cant hold on any longer. She is crying quietly now. The sudden kindness has overwhelmed her.

Malene has more to say. But the changes mustnt be at the expense of the people who use the Center.

No, of course not.

Its what you said about having contact with the users thats so problematic. There must be plenty of other things that we could do to make you happier. The users like having one person who handles all their needs, you know, from appointments to events and research projects. And that includes book requests.

Anne-Lise hears her own voice. High-pitched, almost a shriek. But they dont always like it! They often want me to help them.

No, Anne-Lise. Thats not right. If someone said they preferred to speak to you, they would be pa.s.sed on to you at once. No question about it.

But you told Camilla off because she transferred Stephan Colwitzs call from Geneva to my phone.

No, I did not.

When you were ill, I spoke to him. I dealt with his question and then after you came back, he phoned again and asked Camilla to put him through to me. It was about some books he was interested in. And then I heard you reprimand Camilla. You said she mustnt do that again.

Anne-Lise, maybe you should go home. Youre not well. Its like some kind of breakdown. What youre saying simply isnt true.

Anne-Lises skin feels damp all over. She turns to Camilla. Camilla, didnt Malene tell you off for putting Stephan Colwitz through to me?

Camilla has been on the edge of her chair all this time. Now she leaps up and lashes out at Anne-Lise. You cant turn this place upside down just to suit you. It isnt your office. You have to consider the rest of us as well.

But Malene has told you that you mustnt transfer people to me when they ask for the librarian, hasnt she?

Camilla looks at Malene. I cant take any more of this. Ive had enough.

Malene almost throws herself off her chair and walks away. In the doorway, she stops, turns to Anne-Lise, and sneers: I could reel off hundreds of examples when weve paid particular attention to what you wanted. You couldnt have found a place where your colleagues treated you better; it simply doesnt exist! When I think of all the time I spent explaining your tasks to you and the research problems and But they werent part of my training! Why do you always give me jobs that you know I havent been trained for? It took me four years to become a qualified librarian. Cant you just let me get on and do what Im supposed to do?

Iben cuts in: Many people are only too pleased to have a variety of tasks at work.

But Im knowledgeable about books. Here, all Im doing is filing, as if I were a secretary.

Malene makes a point of glancing apologetically at Camilla before turning to Anne-Lise. That wasnt a very clever thing to say.

Iben backs her up. Secretaries are important too.

I know. Why do you keep telling me?

Because you said But you knew what I meant Suddenly Camilla runs off. She has heard the phone ring.

The others follow her more slowly. Halfway out of the room they pause, as if to add something. But they dont.

Anne-Lise sits still, breathing heavily, her arms resting on the table. She looks at her arms and blinks several times. This lunch break will come back to haunt her. Everything. Her shaking they will use that against her as well.

malene.

chapter 10.

malene remembers the times when she was little and came running home after playing with one of her friends. She would rush straight into the living room where her mother, Jytte, would be seated. Her mothers friend, Susan, would be there too, always in the same place on their plush brown velvet sofa. Her mom would tell Malene to go off and play somewhere else, upstairs or in the garden. Malene remembers glimpsing her mothers wet cheeks as her mother would stare past her friend.

When Malene mentioned this years later, her mother explained that to protect her daughter she would normally cry about her work in the bathroom or in the bedroom. She only wept in the living room when Susan was there.

Malenes mother was a secretary in a large accounting firm, and her father was an insurance man. Both of them worked in Kolding. Malene was the only one in the family to go to university.

Her mother had been with the firm for about ten years when the office came under a new administrative head. Malenes mother had been responsible for staff schedules, but he took that away from her. He allocated lower-grade secretarial work to her and managed to find fault with everything she did.

After a few weeks the boss started to tell jokes at her expense, even when she was present. He also made it clear that people who didnt laugh along irritated him, hinting that soon one of them would become the b.u.t.t of his jokes.

Gradually people became anxious when she was around. They began to avoid eye contact with her, and her very presence in the office seemed to create tension and make the whole atmosphere unpleasant. Not long after that, several people took her to task, regardless of whether the boss was there or not.

Then came the news that the boss had been promoted. He had moved to another branch office. Once more, Malenes mother wept, but this time with joy. There were celebrations at home and Malenes father opened a bottle of port that had been in a cupboard since the previous Christmas.

Jyttes work life, however, did not change. Everyone still felt awkward the moment she came through the door. They all hoped that she would leave quietly and find another job. It soon became clear to her, and to others as well, that she had lost her old easy manner.

Her doctor referred her to a psychologist, but she never worked again. Young Malene felt dreadfully ashamed when her mother spoke self-pityingly about it in public, even in front of people she barely knew.

At my old job, they used to behave as if they wanted me dead. How can people behave like that?

Camilla is sitting at her desk. Iben and Malene are standing close together so that they cant be overheard in the library. The lunch break is over. None of them had expected to be attacked by Anne-Lise in the middle of such a stressful situation.

Malene plays with Camillas stapler, snapping out flattened, useless staples.

Its fair, isnt it, that I show more affection toward my best friend than toward a colleague? Isnt that the point of having a close friend? What does she expect?

Iben strokes Malenes arm comfortingly.

Instead of offering us something we can base a friendship on, she simply demands favors. Its so immature, like a spoiled child.

Malene keeps glancing back and forth between Iben and Camilla. Both appear as worn out as she feels. She can hear how tired her voice sounds. I dont think Ive ever met a person whos so incapable of giving a little of herself.

Its typical of her att.i.tude. Its like this thing she has about not working in the library. I mean, is she a trained librarian, or isnt she? What did she think she was supposed to be doing here? Doesnt she want to work with books and have her desk where the books are?

Malene sighs. She sweeps up the flattened staples and throws them into Camillas wastepaper basket. Anne-Lise simply has no idea what its like when your colleagues are really out to get you. That much is obvious.

Malene tells Camilla a little of what happened to her mother. You see, thats why I find Anne-Lise so especially hard to take. She has accidentally hit on something that really hurts me.

Iben interrupts her. But, Malene, its not because youre more vulnerable than most. Anyone would be upset to have to listen to that kind of thing.

Yes, youre right.