We always plan everything in advance.

There's nothing to be upset about.

In our own lives, as we look back with 20-20 hindsight, were actually constructive moves toward personal growth and a healthier life for each of us. At the time, however, we just felt awful.

When a traditional marriage breaks up, n.o.body takes that as evidence that monogamy doesn't work- so why do people feel compelled to take a s.l.u.ts' breakup as evidence that free love is impossible? Your breakup may be for reasons entirely unrelated to the openness of your relationship. At any rate, it probably isn't evidence that you aren't meant to be a s.l.u.t: we suspect you wouldn't have done all the hard work it takes to live this way if you hadn't had a strong desire for s.l.u.t hood in the first place.

It's important to remember that a breakup isn't necessarily the end of a relationship- it may be, instead, a shift to a different kind of relationship, possibly a relationship between courteous acquaintances, or friends, or maybe even lovers. One of the nice things about being an ethical s.l.u.t is that your relationships become non-binary; you may have as many ways of relating to your friends and lovers as you have friends and lovers. Dossie remembers: I dated Bill for such a long time- a year and a half -that by the time I announced to our friends that we were officially a couple, everybody laughed at me: big news, ha ha. We moved in together, and that lasted for all of six months before we blew up in a ma.s.sive fight and separated. It was a year before we could be around each other much, but then we started having s.e.x again, because our s.e.x together had always been really hot. And we wound up getting together once a month or so for fully nine years as good friends, continuing to have the same wonderful steamy s.e.x that had brought us together in the first place.

When a relationship shifts dramatically, it's great if everybody feels calm enough to separate with affection and equanimity. But all too often, partnerships break up, divorce happens, in a harsh way, with painful, angry, hurt and bitter feelings. Grief at losing a relationship that we had counted on cuts deep, and while we are going through the hurtful process of an unwelcome separation, none of us are at our best.

A typical grief process takes about three months to get past the acute phase. What that means is that feelings of grief, loss, abandonment, anger, resentment and what-have-you that are overwhelming or intolerable today will probably seem sad but manageable three months from now. A useful rule of thumb is that as the feelings die down, it's a good time to get back into communication with your ex- have some coffee or go to a movie or some such. It would be a shame not to come out of this breakup with at least a friendship, after all you've shared.

WHO GETS THE FRIENDS?.

One of the joyous consequences of open s.e.xual lifestyles is that everybody tends to get interconnected in an extended family, s.e.xual circle or tribe. When a couple breaks up with lots of pain, then the whole circle is affected. For the people in pain, it can feel like there is no privacy. Your friends and other lovers may be full of their own ideas about who done who wrong. It hurts them when they feel your pain, so the entire circle may start looking for someone to blame.

Ethically speaking, the separating couple has some responsibility toward their intimate circle, and the circle has some responsibility toward the erstwhile couple. The members of the couple should refrain from trying to split the community. This means you dont demand that all your friends sever whatever friendships they may have with your ex, and that you dont divide your community up into those who are on your side and those who are against you by virtue of who continues to speak to your unspeakable ex.

Privacy is a touchy issue here, because no one likes the consequences of gossip run amok- but we all need a confidant to tell our troubles to, especially in hard times. Sometimes separating couples can make agreements about who it's okay to talk about private matters with, and who we would rather not have familiarized with our dirty linen. Other times, no agreement is reached, and the chips fall where they may.

If you feel that you and your ex should not be at the same parties for a while, you need to work that out with each other, and not wind up screaming at your host for having invited both of you to the same event. It is particularly unethical to call up the host of a certain party and ask them to disinvite your ex, or blackmail them by telling them that you won't come if your ex is invited. This const.i.tutes foisting your work off on your friends. It is your task to set your boundaries, to make agreements with your ex, and, if you find yourself feeling bad in any place where your ex is also socializing, then it is your decision whether to stay or leave. We recommend that you make your decision to stay or leave according to your own comfort, or discomfort, level, rather than trying to control someone else's behavior. And if you wind up deciding that you want to attend this event so much that you will just have to deal with your ex's presence, all to the better: you will get some practice at sharing social s.p.a.ce with your ex, which you are going to need to do eventually unless one of you moves to Timbuktu. And eventually you will get good at dealing with your feelings about your ex, and with practice all of this will hurt less, and you will be closer to achieving resolution and even possibly friendship after a bitter breakup.

Your circle of friends and family is responsible for not getting split, for listening without judging, and for understanding that all of us think harsh thoughts while we are breaking up. Validate how bad your friend feels and take any condemnations with a grain of salt. The exception to this rule occurs when a breakup is based on the revelation of serious issues, like domestic violence or destructive substance abuse: there are no easy answers here, because a circle of s.e.xual partners really does need to make judgments about these things. But most of the time, the accusations are about what a thoughtless, selfish, insensitive, b.i.t.c.hy, dishonest, manipulative, pa.s.sive-aggressive, rude and stupid oaf that ex-partner is; we have all been all of these at some time or another, so we should be able to understand and forgive.

While breakups are very hard for all concerned, and while we understand that you may feel very angry, sad, abandoned, or ill-treated for a while, we implore you to remember that your soon-to-be ex-partner is still the same terrific person you used to love, and to burn no bridges. Catherine says: After our breakup, my ex-husband was very angry with me and pretty depressed, and I felt very guilty. Still, for the sake of the kids of whom we had joint custody, we made a point of staying on civil terms.

Now, eight years later, I count him among my best friends: we still swap murder mysteries, share poetry, and talk on the phone for hours.

If we'd been awful to one another back when things were raw and difficult, I dont think we'd be able to be on such good terms today, and we'd both have missed out on a very important and rewarding friendship.

CHAPTER 5. CONFLICT.

Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability. Write this on your bathroom mirror. We'll never discount all the wonderful things that we get from sharing love, laughter, happiness and such, but nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff. These are the times that bring us the closest together.

what's in it for you?

Some people find it surprising to learn that a s.l.u.t can experience overwhelming insecurities, but the truth is that s.l.u.ts are just as nervous as anyone else, and skills to deal with our anxieties were not taught us in our cradles.

Your freedom might turn out to be a lot easier to accept than your partner's. It certainly does not follow that just because we can date others with equanimity that we will be equally calm when our partner does so. Going out and staying home are separate functions, like cooking and eating, each with its own rewards, and each requires specific skills to accomplish.

When problems arise, a good question to ask yourself is "What am I hoping to get out of this situation?" Why are you doing all this hard work to become a s.l.u.t? The answer depends on your own individual situation, but for many of us, the payoff is our own freedom- and we have to learn to give freedom to our partners if we're going to get it for ourselves.

Fighting Fair Thinking about how intimacy and bonding is cemented by sharing vulnerable feelings brings us to perhaps the ultimate act of intimacy: fighting. Many people believe that fighting between partners is to be avoided at all costs, but most relationship therapists would disagree.

Fights between partners appear to be a universal experience; not many people actually enjoy them, but they seem to be necessary, a constructive element in the building of solid relationships. Only by fighting can partners struggle with their disagreements and express their most heartfelt feelings.

There has to be a way to communicate anger in a long-term relationship, and there has to be a way to struggle with disagreements. How many times have you had a bitter argument with your partner, and when it was over, felt closer than you had before?

So the problem, as we see it, is not to avoid fighting but to learn to fight in ways that are not destructive: physically, morally or emotionally. A good fight is very different from abuse in a good clean fight, there is respect for safety and mutuality so that both people get to express their feelings at full volume, and come out the other end stronger and closer than before- bonded by fire, as it were.

The concept of "Fair Fighting" was first expounded by Dr. George R.

Bach in his wonderful 1968 book, "The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage." We strongly recommend that you read this book, even though it is dated and hetero s.e.xist and even though the authors admit that they haven't even tried to conquer jealousy. They think jealousy is too hard for them- maybe they'll read this book. But the material on communication, and the detailed descriptions of how you can learn to share your anger with your partner in a constructive way, is priceless. This book is a cla.s.sic.

win-win solutions A good fight starts with the understanding that in order for a fight to be successful, both people have to win. If one person wins a fight and the other loses, the problem causing the fight has not been resolved.

It is naive to imagine that the person who "lost" has given up their interest in whatever issue is at stake. And when they feel overpowered, outgunned, or shouted down, they will be resentful, and the problem will go on being a problem. The only real way to win is to come to a solution where all parties concerned feel that they have won.

So in a good clean fight, everybody's feelings get heard and considered, and solutions are decided on by agreement, not bullying.

We make a fight fair by agreeing on rules and limits, by respecting other people's right to their feelings and opinions while we are expressing our own. It is usually helpful to schedule a time to fight, and make an agreement to do soit does not promote fair fighting if we waylay our partners in the bathroom when they are late for work. We need to schedule discussions at a time when we can give them our full attention.

Scheduling fights has the added advantage that we can prepare for them, organize our thoughts, and that we know we have a time when this particular issue will be dealt with. If I feel bad about the grocery bills on Tuesday, and I know we have a date to fight about it on Thursday, it's pretty easy to put my stuff aside until then. Most people dont put their stuff aside very well when it seems that their issues will never get dealt with.

Whaddaya mean, schedule a fight? Don't they just erupt, like volcanoes? And when we have a fight, we are not likely to obey any rules or respect any limits, right? Aren't we talking about intense emotional outbursts? Well, yes, we are, but we dont believe that you can settle any issues when you are in an intense emotional state. When your feelings erupt, it is important to acknowledge them and pay attention. However awkwardly you may be expressing yourself, this is your truth; you obviously feel strongly about it, so it's an important truth. That's what we learn from our outbursts.

So while you are bursting out is a time to listen to your own truth. If emotions are being expressed at such a level of intensity that things feel out of control, like pounding on the walls or screaming at the top of your lungs, then it's time to take time out and land yourself.

Either person can call for a "time out," which means that both people agree that they will take certain actions: perhaps be in separate rooms for a while, or take separate walks, or whatever will make it possible for you to quiet down and listen to your own feelings. A time out is not a time to try and listen to your partner: you will do that later.

It may be difficult to cut yourself off in mid-rant, and you may feel abandoned if your partner reduces her anger by taking a walk- but sometimes this rough transition is the best way for each of you to own how you feel, and not let a fight escalate in a direction you both know from experience will be destructive. It will be much easier to talk about whatever it is when you are both feeling more serene.

Following is an agenda for a fair fight that Dossie uses with couples in her practice. If you want to try this out, pick a small issue, like how does the toilet get cleaned, and run through these steps.

EVERYBODY-WINS STEPS TO NO-LOSE CONFLICT RESOLUTION13.

1. Take TIME OUT to ventilate anger.

2. Select ONE issue to work on.

3. Make an APPOINTMENT to talk.

4. Each person gets three minutes to state HOW I FEEL. Hint: Use I statements, avoid YOU-messages, consider allowing time between each person's statement. Listen carefully.

5. BRAINSTORM: write a list of ALL possible solutions, even silly ones.

6. EDIT the list: cross out any suggestions that either person feels they could not live with.

7. CHOOSE a solution to try for a specific period of time.

8. RE-EVALUATE when that time is up.

MESSAGES.

Notice that communication begins with everybody talking about their feelings, long before they get to discussing the pros and cons of any solutions. Good communication is based on identifying our feelings, communicating them to our partners, and getting validation from our partners that they hear and understand what we are saying. This is best done in sentences that begin with "I feel." There is an enormous difference between saying "you are making me feel so bad," and "I feel so bad." The second statement, the I-message, is a pure statement of feeling, and there is no accusation in it. So your lover doesn't feel attacked, and doesn't need to defend herself, but is free to actually listen to you. Conversely, sentences beginning with "you," and particularly "you always," usually are perceived as attacks, and responded to with defensiveness.

Most of us resent it when another person tells us how we feel -whether or not they are correct is immaterial. It is a violation of our boundaries when another person tells us what our inner truth is. Dossie trained with a supervising therapist who used to point his finger at clients and say, "I know what your problem is!" You probably already know how you feel when someone does that to you.

We can't ask our lover to hold still while we sling accusations and use her as a target for our frustrations. That would be asking her to consent to being abused, and she would be right to resist. But we can ask her to listen to how we feel, because putting aside her own agenda for a few minutes and listening to our feelings is a do-able task for the listener.

To learn how to use I-messages, try talking about an issue that is current for you without ever using the word "you," and without talking about what anyone else is doing, but only about your own feelings.

This takes a little practice, but is less difficult than it may seem at first.

And when we listen to our lovers telling us how they feel, we can really hear. We learn how the world looks from their shoes, we can appreciate how they feel, we can validate their position. And then the solutions flow so much freer and more naturally. There are no wrong solutions, and no right ones only the answers that fit well with how we all feel.

Differing Goals What if it comes to pa.s.s, as it sometimes does, that after some exploration you and your partner discover that one of you wants an open relationship and the other one does not? Your authors strongly encourage you not to enter into a mortgage until you get this one straight, but you may discover this truth about yourselves after you've already bought a house and had triplets, so what then? When this difference is discovered after a relationship has been developed over a period of years, divorce is not an easy answer.

And perhaps you are a s.l.u.t who loves your partner, and earnestly does not want to leave your home and your children to pursue the joys of s.l.u.t hood You can use all the strategies included here to try and work through your differences, and make agreements you can both live with.

This is probably the most difficult and painful circ.u.mstance that can arise, and many relationships do not survive it.

Some couples do manage to stay together and develop enough openness to satisfy the one, and enough exclusivity to satisfy the other. They can get renewed commitment and intimacy from their struggles with these issues. Perhaps the less explorative partner can learn that his partner's exploration is not truly dangerous to him or to his relationship, and perhaps the explorative partner can learn to make changes slowly, or to accept some limits to her field of exploration because she genuinely cares about her partner's feelings. Over time, perhaps the mismatched pair will come closer to each other, if not in behavior, at least in acceptance.

Dossie relates: I fell in love at the tender age of fifty with a woman my age who was a novice at nonmonogamy. She decided she was willing, and that our relationship is important enough for her to work on these issues, and I decided that I valued our relationship enough to set some limits to my own outrageousness, out of respect for my lover's feelings and to give her a chance to learn the freedom I have developed over twenty-seven years of free loving. Some might think we were ill-advised to enter into a committed relationship with such a huge difference in our experience, but we are totally crazy about each other, and this partnership is worth the earth to me- I am willing to do whatever work is necessary to make this work for both of us, and I know she is too.

Some things have been easy- group s.e.x, for instance, has never bothered her, and we go to parties together and have dates with our friends with no difficulty. Our agreement is that when we go to group s.e.x environments, we will discuss our plans beforehand, and we rarely engage in any activity that does not include the other, although we well may in the future.

My lover has more problems when I go on dates with another person on an individual basis, and so we are working on that, very slowly, to give her time to work through her feelings, and me mine, as we related earlier in this book.

Recently, a new wrinkle occurred when a friend asked my partner for a date. My lover decided that she wasn't ready to make dates with others because it feels too much like cheating on me, but she is comfortable with playing individually with this woman at a party, so she will probably do that. This is an example of how you can respect your own limits. Our friend was careful to ask me how I felt about her pro positioning my lover, and so I feel respected and cared for as well We dont know how exactly this will look a year from now, but for the present we love our relationship, we love our friends and lovers, and we love each other and plan to grow older, and s.e.xier, together.

HELP IS AVAILABLE.

You dont have to do all this on your own. Many wonderful books, cla.s.ses and workshops are available we've listed a few good ones in the back of this book. It's a good idea to put aside some time and energy to learn about communication, and to do it with the person you're trying to communicate with. There are many wonderful weekend workshops focusing on communication for couples; even your local church may well offer a weekend marriage retreat. We've never known a couple who went to a communication or intimacy workshop and didn't gain some good new skills and insights from it. Some workshops exist specifically to work on issues arising from nonmonogamy. We encourage you to take them, or to join a support group suitable to your needs. Just knowing that others struggle with some of the same issues that you do can help.

A somewhat more expensive, but still excellent, option is to do some sessions with a couples counselor. In general, we recommend this as a second-level alternative, after you've already done some cla.s.ses and workshops, unless you have privacy concerns that make cla.s.ses and workshops difficult for you.

Screen any of these resources about whether they'll be accepting of your open relationship. Some old-fashioned psychologists, and some workshops and retreats, may believe that your l.u.s.t for many people is a "symptom" of psychological disturbance in you- you may not feel adequately safe and supported in such an environment. If you need help finding a sympathetic therapist or group, try asking your friends, or checking the Resource Guide in this book.

We strongly recommend that you investigate these types of help sooner rather than later. Just about everyone can use an occasional communications skills "tune-up," and if you wait until your relationship Is in crisis, you'll face much harder work than if you'd been practicing your skills all along.

owning what's ours n.o.body communicates with perfect form all of the time. But, when communication is loaded, difficult, confusing and important, then we need to make the ethical commitment to own our stuff, and let you own yours. That means we do not talk about, interpret, inventory, a.n.a.lyze, judge or otherwise trample all over your stuff. In formal communication we promise to stay with what is ours, our feelings, that we own, and give our partners the respect to let them represent their own feelings, their inner reality, their truth.

When you are willing to own your distress, it becomes possible for your partner to comfort you, to offer you rea.s.surance and love when things are hard- so that even when you dont agree about how you are going to handle an issue, you can still exchange love and comfort. We recommend that everyone be open about asking for rea.s.surance, love, hugs, comfort and stuff like that. Many of us grew up in families where we were taught not to ask for what we needed, scorned, perhaps, as only wanting attention.

So what's wrong with wanting attention? Isn't there plenty? Remember about starvation economies: dont short-change yourself. You do not have to be content with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, rea.s.surance and love. You get to have all the comfort and rea.s.surance you want. You and your intimates can set yourselves up to share lots and lots and lots, and in the process learn how much more you have to share than you ever thought. So focus on abundance, and create your environmental ecology rich in the good things of life -warmth and love and s.e.x.

HOW TO F*" UP.

WE HAVE THE FOLLOWING GUIDE OF CAREFULLY TESTED METHODS.

FOR MAKING MISTAKES IN POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS. With PROPER APPLICATION AND INGENUITY, THESE METHODS MAY IMPAIR OR DESTROY MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS AS WELL; THEY'RE TRULY.

MULTIPURPOSE TOOLS. we POST THIS LISTING FOR YOUR consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

1. lie. this is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other persons) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived persons). lying about s.e.x gets double points. lying about being married gets triple f***-up points. creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. avoid self-knowledge. this is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. this tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. selfdestructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge. when combined with an endearing att.i.tude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. blame the other persons). if anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? this eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarra.s.sing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. disclaim responsibility. this is a little more complex than STRATEGY 3, AND OFTEN INCLUDES WHAT IS REFERRED TO AS CO DEPENDENCY THE CLa.s.sIC WAY TO PLAY THIS STRATEGY IS TO.

CATER TO THE PARTNERs) INVOLVED WHILE REPRESSING ONE'S OWN DESIRES AND QUESTIONS. THIS ALLOWS A GOOD HEAD OF RESENTMENT.

TO BUILD UP, AND ONE CAN JUSTIFY ANGER BY SAYING ONE HAS DONE.

so much for one's partners) and gets no thanks, etc. in its MOST REFINED STATE, THIS STRATEGY MAKES THE OTHER PERSONs) RESPONSIBLE FOR SETTING THE DIRECTION, PACE AND CONTENT OF THE RELATIONSHIP, FOR WHICH ONE CAN THEM BLAME THEM IF ONE'S OWN.

EXPECTATIONS OR NEEDS ARE NOT MET. USING STRATEGY 2 TO AVOID.

KNOWLEDGE OF THESE EXPECTATIONS AND NEEDS GETS DOUBLE POINTS.

5. push. this is an art, albeit a crude one. when augmented WITH STRATEGY 6, PUSHING CAN ACHIEVE SPECTACULAR NEGATIVE RESULTS IN EVEN A SHORT TIME. REMEMBER, WHEN PUSHING, ONLY.

YOUR SATISFACTION COUNTS! it's A DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD, AND YOU'RE a pit bull. emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily PROSECUTABLE. (cont'd) 6. play on insecurity. this is an old favorite. using s.e.xual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. attempting to control one's partners) by manipulating them through their INSECURITIES IS A SURE-FIRE F***-UP TACTIC. it's SO MUCH MORE delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.

7. avoid intimacy. this may seem paradoxical; after all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bl babes- er, ahem- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? the trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together." subst.i.tute the words "s.e.x" and "love" for each other often in conversations. repeat the mantra, "if you loved me, you'd know what I want." practice strategy 8 a.s.siduously, supplementing it with strategy 2. according to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. study sales techniques for pointers. people with good "lines" fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly value the other person.

8. dont talk. talking has been known to lead to communication if practiced carelessly. communication will seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. if you must talk, use cliches and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.

if all else fails, make a safer-s.e.x agreement with your partners) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of s.e.xual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is wishful thinking and completely deniable. for a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to. m. Am ***

9. for the ultimate meta-f.u.c.k-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. some people win the grand prize with the fig leaf-and-stinging-nettle cl.u.s.ter for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.

-courtesy elise matthesen

CHAPTER 6. AGREEMENTS.

Most successful relationships, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime monogamy, are based on a.s.sumptions that are really unstated agreements about behavior: you dont kiss your mailman, you dont tip your mother. These are the unspoken rules we learn very early in our lives, from our parents, our playmates and our cultures. People who break these unspoken rules are often considered odd, sometimes even crazy, because the values and judgments behind the social agreements about how we relate to one another are so deeply ingrained that we are usually not even aware that we have made any agreement at all.

In many day-to-day relationships, such as your relationship with neighbors and co-workers, it's probably fine to rely on those implicit, "built-in" agreements. But when you're trying something as complicated and unprecedented as ethical s.l.u.t hood we think it's very important to take nothing for granted. Talk with the people in your life about your agreements, and negotiate the conditions, environments and behaviors that will get your own needs met.

You'll often hear people talking about the "rules" of their relationships. But "rules" implies a certain rigidity, that there is a right way and a wrong way to run your relationship, and that there will be penalties if you do it wrong. We understand that there are many different ways that people may choose to relate to each other, so we prefer to use the word "agreements" to describe mutually agreed-upon, conscious decisions, designed to be flexible enough to accommodate individuality, growth and change. These agreements are sometimes a little fuzzy, particularly if you're used to the hard edges of rules. A little fuzziness is OK; your agreement will either get clarified later if it needs to be- or it won't, in which case it's probably clear enough.