body image None of us look s.e.xy enough. The advertising and fashion industries see fit to line their coffers by making us all feel bad about our bodies so that we will buy more clothes, make-up, cosmetic surgery or whatever in a desperate attempt to feel okay about how we look to others. The perfume industry floods us with images designed to convince us that we smell bad (and if we smell worse than these highly merchandised scents, we must smell very bad indeed) Even those lucky souls who are young and thin and cute suffer from constant worry about how they look, why else do you think they throng to nautilus gyms and aerobic cla.s.ses?

The more people you want to share s.e.x with, the more people you are going to have to expose your naked body to, so there you are To enjoy a free s.e.xuality, you need to come to terms with the body you are living in, unless you want to wait till you lose twenty pounds, which could take forever, or until you look younger- dont hold your breath Do remember your s.e.xiness is about how you feel, not how you look HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT s.e.x, AND IS IT TRUE?

Another obstacle on our course is inaccurate or just plain bad information we may have learned about s.e.x For many years, information about s.e.xual behavior and basic functioning was censored, along with most other discussions of s.e.xual pleasure Depending on where you live in the culture now, you may or may not have access to good information.

We need to politicize to protect our right to accurate and positive information about s.e.x Twenty-five years ago, you might not have been able to read this book. Only recently, attempts were made at the national level to censor communication on the Internet, luckily ruled unconst.i.tutional by the courts Currently, books about s.e.x proliferate, and there is much discussion on the information superhighway, and beware1 much of the information you read and hear about s.e.x will be inaccurate. Because s.e.xology is such a new science, and because research into what people actually do in s.e.x is difficult and often inconclusive, and because we as a culture have not talked explicitly about s.e.x for a very long time, fairy tales abound, and reality can be hard to come by Collect all the information you can, use what works for you, and take it all with a grain of salt Please. We have listed some of the books that we find most helpful and accurate in the Bibliography.

speechlessness If you can't talk about s.e.x, how can you think about it? The historical censorship of discussion about s.e.x has left us with another disability: the act of talking about s.e.x, of putting words to what we do in bed, has become difficult and embarra.s.sing. This cuts us off from sharing about our s.e.xual experience with our friends, sometimes even with our lovers Think of who you would talk to if you found yourself having difficulty getting to o.r.g.a.s.m with your partners Would it be easy to walk up to your close friends and ask them if they ever had trouble with this? How about your partners? Although most of us have had the experience of failed s.e.xual functioning in one way or another, most of us never get the chance to get support from our friends and lovers about it- s.e.xual dysfunction becomes our secret shame, a position from which it is virtually impossible to figure out a way to function better.

What you can't talk about, you can hardly think about. Most of us think in words, without a language with which to speak about s.e.x, we not only cannot communicate with others, we cannot communicate with ourselves. This is a crippling disability What little language we have to talk about s.e.x with is riddled with negative judgments. Either you speak in medical language of v.u.l.v.as and penile intromission- which sounds like you need to be a doctor to talk about s.e.x, so it must be a disease- or you have gutter language, rucking c.u.n.t, hard d.i.c.k, that makes everything sound like an insult. When is it okay to say, "I would really love it if you ran your finger around my c.l.i.t in a circle instead of up and down," or "I need you to grab my d.i.c.k much harder"?

As writers, we are keenly aware of how hard it is to find language to express our ideas and experiences about s.e.x, and we have had a lot of practice.

GOAL ORIENTATION.

One consequence of all the difficulties people may encounter when they set out to enjoy s.e.x is that, driven by nervousness, they may end up acting as if their objective was to get to o.r.g.a.s.m as rapidly as possible, as if they were trying to get it over with. When s.e.x becomes goal-oriented, we may focus on what gets us to o.r.g.a.s.m to the exclusion of enjoying all of the nifty sensations that come before (and, for that matter, after). When we concentrate our attention on genital s.e.x to the exclusion of the rest of our bodies, we are excluding most of ourselves from the transaction. And when we ignore most of the good parts, we not only miss out on the good feelings, but we increase our chance of developing s.e.xual dysfunction. And we have a lot less fun.

Skills So how does a person learn about s.e.x? The mythology has it that once we begin, it should all come naturally, and if it doesn't, then we have some deep-seated problem that only Dr. Freud can resolve. Forget this -we want to enjoy s.e.x now, and we can't afford seven years of a.n.a.lysis.

We advocate a simpler approach: after much research, we have come to the startling discovery that good information and willingness to learn are all you need to become the hottest lovers and have the wildest and most wonderful s.e.x, and lots of it.

One friend of ours had her first o.r.g.a.s.m at the age of thirty-four, after reading for the first time in one of the s.e.x manuals which became popular in the early '70s that it was okay for her to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e she'd grown up in the generation that was told that masturbation would make you sick or crazy. This makes us sick to contemplate- how many years of o.r.g.a.s.ms did this woman miss because of bad information? n.o.body is born knowing how to have wonderful s.e.x, and the information our bodies give us when we're young often gets quashed by our s.e.x-negative culture. The best thing about learning about s.e.x is that you'll love the homework- so let's get studying!

read and talk Whatever you do now you learned somewhere, somehow, so you can learn new or different s.e.xual delights if you choose, and you can also overcome any s.e.xual difficulties you may have. Learning requires some effort, but the rewards are great, and we know you will be brave and persistent. We recommend that you read some books about s.e.xual functioning our Bibliography lists good books for every lifestyle and orientation. Get your partners to read them with you, so you can all start out on the same page. Many of these books include exercises you can use to expand your s.e.xual skills and your repertoire- try them.

Talk dirty. Talk to people about s.e.x. Ask them about their experience, and share yours. Catherine remembers seeing her first p.o.r.no movies, and feeling confounded because the women in them all m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed face-up, and she wasn't sure if she'd been "doing it wrong"

all those years. She started asking her women friends, and found that she was far from alone- not only in her face-down preference, but in her sense of uncertainty. Talk to your intimates, and any friends or people you respect who are accessible to you. Breaking the ice can be scary at first, but establishing discussion about s.e.x with your friends and lovers will be a valuable resource for all of you, well worth risking a few minutes of embarra.s.sment as you get started. A friend of ours used to believe that she was the only person in the whole world whose cheeks got sore from sucking c.o.c.k. Talking to a few friends let her know that she was in the majority. If you find you can't talk intimately and explicitly about s.e.x with your lovers, then how can you deal with a problem or try something new?

GOOD s.e.x STARTS WITH YOURSELF.

We mean this quite literally. When Masters and Johnson began their research into s.e.xual functioning in the late '50s, they wanted to start by learning about good s.e.x before researching s.e.xual dysfunction- so they started by selecting 382 men and 312 women, including 276 heteros.e.xual couples, all of whom had satisfactory s.e.x lives. One surprising fact they uncovered was that virtually all these s.e.xually satisfied people m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed- regardless of whether or not they were also having partnered s.e.x.8 Write this on your mirror: s.e.xually successful people m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e. You are not making love with yourself because you are a loser, because you can't find anyone to play with you, because you are desperate to get your rocks off. You make love to yourself because you deserve pleasure, and playing with yourself makes you feel good.

People who play with themselves are good lovers for two reasons. First is that s.e.x with yourself is a really good time to explore new sources of stimulation, like touching yourself in different places, or vibrators, or new positions, because you will never fail to notice what doesn't feel good, you will always do it the way that feels best, and there's no one to get embarra.s.sed in front of. So masturbation offers you an opportunity to practice all sorts of interesting things: for instance, if one of your goals is too be able to enjoy more s.e.x before you come, you can practice relaxation exercises with yourself, and learn to slow down and speed up your response however you like. And if your concern is that sometimes you are not able to come when you would like to, you can pay attention to what works for you in self-s.e.xuality and teach your partner your individual preferences in s.e.xual stimulation.9 Practice makes perfect, so m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e a lot.

Start by putting some energy into supporting your own selfesteem and developing a positive feeling about your body- no, not the body you plan to have next year after you work out every day and live on lettuce. What have you done recently that helps you feel good about the body you are inhabiting today? It's hard to have a good relationship with your body when all you do is yell at it. Try giving your body treats: a bubble bath, a trip to the hot tubs, a ma.s.sage, silk underwear, anything that feels good. Be nice to your body, and then go find somebody else's body to be nice to, and somebody will be nice to your body too.

Love yourself as you would your lover. Masturbation is a good way to nourish and develop our relationships with ourselves. We can improve our self-esteem by the simple act of pleasuring our bodies. If you want a better relationship with your body, try making a date with yourself. Put your best sheets on the bed, candles and music in the bath, warm your towels, set out your s.e.xiest nightie or robe, treat yourself to a long soak, sensuous lotion, self-ma.s.sage and a dynamite climax.

We have never met a person who suffers from low self-esteem at the moment of o.r.g.a.s.m.

Your relationship with yourself is what you bring to a relationship with another person: it is what you have to share, your offering, personally, emotionally and s.e.xually. The s.e.xier you are to yourself, the s.e.xier you will be to your lovers.

And if you really want to be the world's greatest lover, and you want your partner to know exactly what pleases you the most, try masturbating in the same room. Who knows, you too might like to watch -we find it a tremendous turn-on. And in watching, or showing, you will teach and learn each other's individual pattern of pleasure, and become the most perfect, and the most perfectly satisfied lovers that ever could be.

GET YOUR CONDITIONS MET.

It's hard to focus on pleasure when you're worrying about whether the baby is awake, the door is locked and the shades are drawn, or whatever bothers you. Figure out what your conditions are, what you need to feel safe and free of worry so you can enjoy your s.e.x completely. Deal with your needs beforehand. Establish your agreements with your partner about safer s.e.x and/or birth control. It is not appropriate to argue with anyone's limits regarding pregnancy and disease risk reduction: respect the limits of the most conservative person, because s.e.x is a lot more fun when we all feel safe. Personal limits may be idiosyncratic, and that's okay too. Dossie has a minor obsession about being clean, and likes to set up clean sheets and have a shower so she feels all fresh and sparkly. Someone else might not care as much- so what? There is no one right way to get ready to have s.e.x. Give yourself permission to take care of your own needs; it will free you.

Sometimes you discover that your conditions aren't what you thought they were, and that the new ones might offer some special fun.

Catherine remembers: I'd been to a concert that night with two friends, who were lovers of each other's and of mine. One of us had recently acquired a treasure: a '64 Lincoln Continental the size of a studio apartment. On the way back, we decided to stop by the river to admire the moonlight and before we knew it we were throwing a full-scale orgy in the front seat of the Lincoln. I'd always thought I wouldn 't like s.e.x in a car, but when I found myself stretched out in the front seat with my head in one partner's lap as I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed him over my shoulder, and my other partner kneeling in the pa.s.senger foot well with her head buried between my legs, I began to change my mind. The scene ended in hysterical giggles: the one I was masturbating began to come, his body went into an o.r.g.a.s.mic spasm, and he hit the horn- the car emitted an enormous blast of sound from its mid-'60s Detroit horn that must have awakened everybody for miles around, and made us all practically fall out of our seat!

communicate Most of us have been struck dumb by the scariest communication task of all- asking for what we want. Is there any one of us who has never failed to tell our partner when we want our c.l.i.t or c.o.c.k stimulated harder or softer, slower or faster, more on the shaft or more on the tip, on the side, on both sides, up and down or round about, or whatever it is that would work for us? Take it from us, the way to get what you want in s.e.x is to ask for it. And the way to get a good reputation as an excellent lover is to ask each partner what he or she likes, and let them show you how to do it exactly right: Catherine makes a point of having her lovers m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e for her early on in the relationship, so she can watch how they do it and make mental notes about what kinds of stimulation they like to feel. Once you get past the initial embarra.s.sment, this is actually easy, and will make you a very popular lover indeed.

If you find this impossibly difficult, we have an idea that will help.

Try this exercise with yourself or with a lover that you are very familiar with, and as you get comfortable, repeat it with each new lover.

First, make a list of all the s.e.xual activities you can think of that anyone, not just you, might like to do. You will immediately discover that this is also an exercise in developing language, so pay attention as you name these things. Are you more comfortable with intercourse or f.u.c.king, oral s.e.x, going down, c.o.c.ksucking or eating out? What do you call your own s.e.x organs p.e.n.i.s, d.i.c.k, c.o.c.k, p.r.i.c.k... p.u.s.s.y, c.u.n.t, v.a.g.i.n.a, c.l.i.toris? If you get stuck, put a little effort into finding any name that describes the activity, take a deep breath and repeat those words five times, and breathe again. Make your list as complete as possible, and include activities that you dont like as well as those you do. You can make this list by yourself, with a partner or a friend, or with a group of people who may or may not be your lovers.

When you make the list of all possible s.e.x acts with a group of people, you get good practice in talking about s.e.x explicitly, graphically and on purpose.

Then each person takes a separate sheet of paper and makes three columns: YES, NO and MAYBE. YES means I like this, NO means I dont want to do this, and MAYBE means maybe if I felt safe enough, or was turned on enough, or my partner were very experienced, or whatever.

Make your personal list privately, and share with your partner or partners after. When you are negotiating an evening's entertainment, everything on the NO lists is off limits, everything on both partner's YES list is the wonderful fun you are ready to share. And if all goes well, you may get to try out an item or two from the MAYBE list. We strongly encourage you to try this exercise you will be amazed at how much you will learn, and how easy communication can be once you get started.

We have also included on Page 102 an inventory of s.e.xual activities.

Try filling it out and see what you learn about yourself. You can make copies to share with your friends as an ice-breaker for a discussion group or for negotiating a s.e.xual encounter. We made the boxes as big as possible so you can make comments about how you feel, which tends to be more informative than a simple yes or no.

These are ideas about how you can start communicating explicitly about s.e.x, and negotiate con sensuality Remember, we define consent as an active collaboration for the pleasure, benefit and well-being of all persons concerned. This means that everybody involved must agree to whatever activity is proposed, and must also feel safe enough that they could decline if they wished. We believe that if you are not free to say "no," you can't really say "yes." We also think it is essential that everyone involved understands the consequences of both responses, which is another way of saying that it's not acceptable to take advantage of someone's naivete.

tABLE REMOVED INVENTORY.

Ouch! ??? Eeek! HOT!!! Scary Hmmm... We cannot say this often enough: You have a right to your limits and it is totally okay to say no to any form of s.e.x you dont like or are not comfortable with. Having a limit does not mean that you are inhibited, uptight, no fun, or a permanent victim of American puritanism. It just means you dont like something, and if you want to learn to like it, we think there are better ways to do that than to succ.u.mb to guilt-tripping, shaming or outright bullying. Say no to what you dont want, and when you decide to try something new, arrange for lots of support from your partner, get your conditions met, and be kind to yourself. Positive reinforcement is really the best way to learn.

In many areas, workshops and groups about s.e.x are available, put on by dedicated s.e.x educators and counselors, sometimes at birth control clinics or organizations supporting s.e.xual health. All of these workshops are designed to be safe, to respect everyone's boundaries and give you an opportunity to learn new information, increase your comfort level and speak for yourself about your own feelings and experience.

What we are advocating here is communication by, with and for everybody.

find your turn-on Have you ever set out to make love and discovered that you couldn't find your turn-on? There you are, hunting for that elusive state of excitement, and wondering what's wrong with you when your lover does the things you usually love and your response is just plain nothing, or worse yet, irritation or ticklishness. Women wonder why they aren't getting wet, men agonize over absent erections, everybody either fakes it or gets embarra.s.sed. It happens to everybody. Really. It's not just you.

For some people, losing their turn-on happens when they are nervous, maybe with a new partner or in a new situation. For others, familiarity reduces arousal, and they have a hard time grasping their desire in the relationships with the people they know the best and love the most.

l.u.s.t for one person is seldom satisifed by s.e.x with another, but experienced s.l.u.ts know that turn-on is transferable. The excitement you feel about the s.e.x you're planning with Bill next weekend can easily set a fire under your session with Jane tonight, because arousal is a physical experience that can be used for anything you want. The l.u.s.t in the mind persists, and will still be there for you when you get around to Bill- we promise.

Getting turned on requires a physical and mental transition into a different state of consciousness. Every night, when you go to sleep, you make such a transition: you turn the lights down, get into loose clothing, lie down, perhaps read quietly or watch a little TV, deliberately changing your state of consciousness from wide awake to sleepy. Some people do this automatically, while others have to work at figuring out what helps them get to sleep.

Similarly, we all need to know how we get turned on, what works for us when arousal doesn't just come of its own accord. Our mythology tells us that we are not supposed to have to do this on purpose, that we are supposed to be swept away with desire, or else something is wrong: we dont really want to make love to this person, we've made a terrible mistake and now what are we going to do with the kids? Men are told that they are supposed to be so turned on by the mere availability of a partner that their erection should stand up and salute without any actual sensory stimulation. Women are taught that they ought to be turned on in response to any stimulus from a partner they care about, and if they aren't, they are frigid or perhaps feeling hostile. These are only some of the very destructive lessons you may have learned.

So the first thing you need to do when desire doesn't come up like thunder is to remember that lots of serious s.l.u.ts have dealt with this problem successfully, and so can you. So let's look at how we could go about getting turned on on purpose.

Some people just charge on, start s.e.xual stimulation and keep on with it until their turn-on catches up with them, and this works for many people much of the time. Dossie once had a partner who liked to leap into cold mountain lakes when they were camping, insisting that you'd get warm eventually if you just thrash around.

Other people like to get in one step at a time, warming up gradually and sensually, allowing time to appreciate the changes in sensitivity that occur as they move slowly into their s.e.xual response cycle. For many people, simply slowing down gives them the chance to get in synch with their turn-on, and once you find your turn on it makes it easier to speed up.

Many people experience hypersensitivity, which means feeling ticklish or jumpy or irritated, when they attempt to take in sensations that are too focused or too intense in the early part of their journey to arousal. Such ticklishness usually disappears once the person is thoroughly excited, and may reappear right after o.r.g.a.s.m. The only way to deal with hypersensitivity is to remember that almost n.o.body can get turned on while they are being tickled or irritated, so take your time.

(Dossie's partner who loved to leap into cold lakes also really loved to be tickled, but Dossie hates it, so Dossie didn't get tickled and her girlfriend did. Diversity rules.) Feel free to tell your lover about hypersensitivity, and what sensations you enjoy early on, and how that may be different later. Most hypersensitivity can be cured with a firm touch and a gradual approach. Start with caressing backs and shoulders and less sensitive parts of the body, making sure of serious arousal before touching the more exquisitely sensitive areas.

Talk with your lover about what turns you on- a fantasy? A story?

Having your fingers or toes gently bitten and sucked? Ask your lover what turns him on- chewing on a neck? Brushing his hair? You could prepare for this talk by writing down a list of all the things that you know excite you, each of you on your own, and then sharing your lists.

Talking can be a little risky, and risk can be exciting in and off itself.

Get into your body: sensual delights like hot tubs, bubble baths, naked skin by the warm fire, ma.s.sage. These are the slower delights that give us time to focus our attention on physical pleasure, and allow our busy brains to slow down or drift off into fantasy. This kind of pleasure should not be demanding, this is not the time to worry about heavy breathing or undulating hips. This is the time for entrancement.

Fantasy is a big turn-on for many people, and yes, it is perfectly normal to fantasize when your partner is doing s.e.xy things to you. Many people also like to fantasize on their own before their erotic encounters, building up a nice head of steam before any touching actually takes place. Perhaps you would both enjoy watching an erotic video, or reading each other grown-up bedtime stories. Maybe it would be hot to tell each other your favorite fantasies.

Excitement begins with a slow sensual warmth, and when the warm-up has begun, the door is open for more intense excitement, exploring the sensitivities of ears, necks, wrists and toes, or tongues in mouths. Breathing becomes deeper, and hips start to move of their own accord.

So does this excitement mean it's time to leap on that express train to o.r.g.a.s.mic release? Just because your body is physically ready to enjoy s.e.x doesn't mean you need to rush to fulfillment! Why dont you take a little more time? This feels good, right? So what about feeling good a little more, getting a little more turned on: remember when you were in high school and you could neck for hours?

slow down And dont we all want a lover with a slow hand? The most common mistake people make when they get nervous about s.e.x is to rush things. Tension does tend to speed us up, and it is also true that both men and women develop a lot of muscle tension as they approach o.r.g.a.s.m, which adds to the furor. Now when we are truly ready, there is nothing we like more than to grunt and gasp and heave and shout and make fists with our toes on the speeding express train to o.r.g.a.s.m. But there is more to s.e.x than o.r.g.a.s.m, so let's not leave out sensuality, seduction, the oh-so gradual turn-on, the building of suspense, the exploration of every part of the body that can arouse the senses- we want to do it all. And to explore the entire range of sensual and s.e.xual intimacy, we need to learn techniques for slowing down.

The first technique for slowing down is very simple. Take a deep breath and hold it. Put your hand on your abdomen and feel the hardness of your muscles. Then breathe out, slowly, and you will feel the muscles in your torso relax. When we are tense, we tend to breathe in gasps, gulping air in and exhaling very little, and that's how we maintain tension in our muscles and in our minds. When we breathe out, we relax. So anytime you are tense, in any situation, you can relax a little by taking three long, slow, deep breaths, making sure to breathe out as thoroughly as you breathe in.

You can reduce your nervousness about talking about s.e.x, and you can slow yourself down during s.e.x, just by breathing. When you slow your breathing while you are turned on, let your awareness go down into your body. Scan your whole body with your mind, starting from your toes, and let yourself notice how each part of you feels. Chances are you will discover a lot of good feelings you hadn't even felt before. s.e.x therapists call this sensate focus, and advocate it in particular for those who want to slow down their response and enjoy more s.e.x before they come. You can slow down your physical s.e.xual response by breathing, relaxing and focusing your attention to reduce your physical tension, because, you see, not only do we all tense our muscles before we come, but most of us cannot come when our muscles are relaxed. So o.r.g.a.s.mic control is not achieved by grunting and bearing down, but rather by relaxing and enjoying yourself.

Slowing down is also useful when you are trying out new activities, or nervous for any reason. Our friend Mandy relates one of her early learning experiences with condoms: Rob and I had been occasional lovers for many years, and we were getting together for the first time after a long hiatus. We had very little experience of safer s.e.x at the time, but decided, due to our various experiences, that if we wanted to f.u.c.k we should use a condom.

This was all fine in theory, but when the time came to put it on after a suitable and exciting round or two of outer course Rob picked up that difficult little piece of rubber and promptly lost his erection. I'm sure this has never happened to any of you.

We fooled around for a little while, and tried again, with the same response- Rob's mind and his c.o.c.k were not in agreement, and his c.o.c.k was not cooperating. I dragged myself up into a more active consciousness and decided to put what I had learned in adult s.e.x education to use.

I got him to lie back and agree to be done to, and I set up the environment: candles for light carefully placed where we wouldn't knock them over, lubricant and towels handy, and two or three rubbers in case we broke one, plus slow sensual music on a long tape. I got myself in a comfortable position between his legs- comfortable because I wanted to take all the time in the world, and I did not want to be interrupted by an aching back or a cramped shoulder.

I started by stroking his body- thighs, tummy, legs -very gently, in a soothing way, for a long time, till he first relaxed, and then responded with an erection. I waited a little longer so he could enjoy that erection without any responsibility for taking things further: in s.e.x therapy, this is called non-demand pleasuring. Then I moved the stroking to his genitals around, but not on his p.e.n.i.s. His erection went down again, so I moved further back and continued sensual stroking on his skin until he got hard again, and continued again a little longer, and then moved to touching closer to his c.o.c.k. This time his erection fell only a little, and got hard again after only a few seconds. By now he was breathing hard, and so was I. For me, the experience was very sensual and kind of trancelike, warm and pleasurable: a major turn-on too.

I spent a very long time stroking around, but not on, his c.o.c.k, until he was very hard indeed. He reached for me, but I slapped his hand- no distractions, please. I am doing this to you, get it? When the suspense was virtually unbearable, I ran my hand lightly over his d.i.c.k -he shuddered. Stroking his c.o.c.k and pulling gently on his b.a.l.l.s aroused him even more, and he was beginning to moan and sweat. I picked up the condom, checking to make sure I was unrolling it in the right direction, and he lost his erection almost instantly. I went back to stroking around, not on, his c.o.c.k, and he sprang up again, getting impatient but I made him wait, played with his d.i.c.k for a long time but gently enough that I knew he couldn't come.

The next time I approached with the rubber, he only wilted a tiny bit, so I rubbed a bit more, and we went round a few times until he was so turned on he couldn't think any more and his c.o.c.k stood up nice and straight while I rolled the rubber over it. I continued playing with him while he got used to the new sensation.

By this time I was seriously turned on and more than a little impatient, so when I gave the word, he attacked and did the raging bull thing, and we both finally got to f.u.c.k fast and hard: well worth the waiting, I say. You should have seen the explosion, I'm sure they heard us in the next town.

To sum up, and maybe catch our breath a little ourselves, a basic skill for good s.e.x is knowing how to relax, and slow down, and then knowing how to tense and speed up. And once you know how, you can go round and round as many times as you can bear to hold off, enjoying every minute and building up excitement for the grand finale. Relaxing your breathing, and relaxing your body, can help you get centered, grounded in your body and in the pleasure you are feeling, and give you more choices about your s.e.x. You can learn more about relaxation and slowing down by taking a cla.s.s in any form of yoga, practicing sensual ma.s.sage, trying tantric techniques, or just slowing down long enough to discover what fun it is to focus on what you're feeling when you're feeling good.

PART II

BETWEEN ONE ANOTHER.

CHAPTER 1. BOUNDARIES.

Many people believe that to be a s.l.u.t is to be indiscriminate, to not care about who you make love with, and thus to not care about yourself.

They believe that we live in excessively wide open s.p.a.ces, with no discrimination, no fences, no boundaries. Nothing could be further from the truth. To be an ethical s.l.u.t you need to have very good boundaries that are clear, strong, flexible, and, above all, conscious.

One very successful s.l.u.t we interviewed is outraged by accusations of indiscrimacy, and points out that s.l.u.ts get a great deal of opportunity to develop exquisitely sophisticated discrimination: "We actually have more boundaries than most folks because we have more points of contact," more experience relating in very different ways to very diverse people.

What Are Boundaries?

It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships, that no one can own another person. Ownership is not what relationships are about. We each own ourselves, lock, stock and barrel. We each have the responsibility of living our own lives, determining our individual needs and arranging to get those needs met.

We cannot live through a partner, nor can we a.s.sume that just because we have a lover, all of our needs should automatically be satisfied.

Many of us have been taught that if our lover does not meet every need, this must not be true love, our lover must be somehow inadequate, or we must be at fault- too needy or undeserving or some other judgment like that.

If you were brought up to believe that your relationship would provide your other, or (shudder) better half, or that your destiny is to submerge your ident.i.ty in a relationship, you will probably have to put some attention into learning about your own boundaries. Boundaries are invariably in the plural because none of them hold still for long and all of them are individual. They are how we understand where you begin and I end, where and how we are separate as individuals. You need to figure out where your limits are, what const.i.tutes comfortable distance or closeness between yourself and others in various situations, and particularly the ways in which you and your lovers are different and individual and unique.

If you read the literature about co dependency or attend support groups with Codependents Anonymous, you can learn more about how to own your own life, how to get into that position of ownership, and the ways in which we all often fail to do so- mostly by understanding the complexities of boundaries.

Owning Your Choices It is axiomatic in communication between intimates that each person owns their own emotions, and that each person is responsible for dealing with those emotions. This means that n.o.body "makes" you feel anything. If someone yells at you, for instance, you have emotional choices: you might feel afraid, or angry, or icy calm. You also have behavioral choices: you might decide to yell back, or leave, or get closer and resolve this problem right now because you can't stand it.

And all of these, and the many other responses too numerous to mention here, belong to you.

n.o.body makes anybody feel anything. Understanding this is the first step to claiming something very precious- your own emotions. And when you grasp your emotions, you have something unbelievably valuable to bring to your relationships.

When you find yourself responding to someone else's behavior, it is easy to dwell on what they have done and how terrible it is and what exactly they should do to fix it. Instead, try looking at your own feelings as a true message about your internal state of being, and decide how you want to deal with whatever's going on. Do you want to find out more? Do you want to discuss a limit? Do you want a little time to yourself to calm down and get centered? Do you want to be heard about something? When you take responsibility, you get these choices, and more.

What you are not responsible for is your lover's emotions. You can choose to be supportive we're great believers in the healing power of listening- but it is not your job to fix anything.

Once you understand that your lover's emotions are not your job or your fault, you can listen to him and really hear what he has to say, without falling victim to an overwhelming need to figure out whose fault it is or to make the emotion change or go away.

Some people tend to respond to a lover's pain and confusion with an intense desire to fix something. "Fix-it" messages can feel like invalidation to the person who is trying to express an emotion. "Why dont you just do this... try that... forget about it... relax!" sends the message that the person expressing the emotion has overlooked some obvious and simple solution and is an idiot for feeling bad in the first place. Such messages disempower and invalidate him.

It is up to each of us to fix how we feel, to reach out for the support and connection we want, and to set our own limits about what we dont want in our lives right now. In this way, we all get to solve problems in our relationships, learn about ourselves and get along much better with all of our partners.

relationship boundaries Relationships also have boundaries. The agreements that free-loving couples and families make with respect for each other's feelings const.i.tute the boundaries of their relationship. In an open s.e.xual community, it is important to deal with each relationship within its own boundaries. That means, for example, that you figure out your limits with your partner before you go to the s.e.x party, that you dont use your mistress to diss your wife, that decisions are made with input from everybody affected by them- which means not behind anybody's back -and so on.

Communities based on s.e.x and intimacy work best when everybody has respect for everybody's relationships, which includes not only lovers, but children and families of origin and neighbors and exes and so on.

Such communities can evolve into highly connected family systems when everyone is conscious of and caring about boundaries.

Problems With Boundaries Learn from your mistakes. Boundaries can get tricky at times, so we hope you give yourselves lots of slack to explore and have your trials and make your errors, and learn from them. Remember, you can't learn from your errors if you always gotta be right!

dumping One place where people often get confused is differentiating between the honest sharing of feelings and dumping. Dumping means using another person as your garbage pit, spewing your problematic stuff all over her and leaving it there. Asking someone to listen to your feelings is different from dropping them in his lap and leaving them there. Dumping usually carries the expectation that the dumpee will do something about the problem, even if it's simply to take on the burden of worrying so that the dumper can stop. Usually you can avoid dumping by making it totally clear that your need to share your emotional state carries no obligation for your listener: "I dont like your having a date with Paula tonight," followed by a heavy and pregnant silence, carries an entirely different weight than "I'm feeling a little insecure about your date with Paula tonight, but I want you to go ahead and have it. Are you okay with listening to some of my fears? Can we talk a bit about ways that I might be able to feel safer?"

projection Another trick to watch out for no, not the kind you find at the disco on Sat.u.r.day night! is projection. Projection is when we use another person as a screen to run our movie on. We see our fantasy, and miss the real person. We imagine we know his thoughts, when in fact we are thinking about our fears. We predict that she will respond the same way our parents did "I know you'll reject me if I dont make a lot of money," "You'll never respect me if I show you my sadness." Or we might be projecting our expectations, projections that our lovers- who are not mind-readers- can never live up to: "You're supposed to take care of me!" "Whaddaya mean, you're not h.o.r.n.y? I'm h.o.r.n.y!"