So pipe all hands; for though no gale From sea-wash'd sh.o.r.es distend our sail, We'll man a vessel here.

This room's our ship; this wine's our tide; And the good friends we sit beside, The messmates of our cheer.

Ay, this looks well; now till the gla.s.s To king, to country, and our la.s.s, And all of pluck and feather; That done around, and nothing loth, Since we are "learned Thebans" both,

We'll have some talk together.

You've been to Cheltenham, I find, And, zounds! you really ride the wind, To Bath and Worcester too; To South'ton and the Isle of Wight, As if increase of appet.i.te With every new dish grew.

~239

But it was really _infra dig_.

Spite of your old horse and new gig, You did not, some fine morn, Drive up to Malcolm Ghur, d'ye see,{4} And leave two pretty cards for me And Sir John Barleycorn.

We would have been your chorus, sir, Or, an' you pleased, your trumpeter, And _lioned_ you about; Have shown you every pretty girl, And every _nouvelle_ quadrille twirl, And every crowded rout.

At eight o' morns have call'd you down, (What would they say of that in town?) To swallow pump-room water; At eight o' nights have call'd you up, (Our grandams used just then to sup), To 'gin the dinner slaughter.

Have whisk'd you o'er to Colonel B's, Or drove you up to Captain P's, Dons unto Cheltenham steady.

But I forget the world, good lack, Have play'd enough with such a pack Of great court-cards already.

4 Malcolm Ghur, one of the very prettiest of the many pretty newly-erected mansions that give a character to the environs of Cheltenham. To its proprietor do I owe much for hospitality; a merrier man, withal, dwells not in my remembrance; he is of your first-rate whist players, though he rarely now joins in the game. As the chaplain of the county-lodge of F. M. he is much distinguished; and, at the dinners of the Friendly Brothers--which are luxurious indeed, and all for the "immortal memory" of William, king of that name, and whose portrait ornaments their reading- room--who better than he can "set the table in a roar"?

~240~~

Have set you down at ten pound whist With A-------y, and the _au fait_ list,{5} Turning your nights to days; Or, somewhat wiser, bid you mix Where less expensive are odd tricks, And where friend R-------n plays.{6}

Have made you try a double trade, By clapping you in masquerade, To jaunt at fancy-b.a.l.l.s; You would have seen some merry sights On two or three particular nights, In good Miss-----------'s halls.{7}

You could have gone as harlequin, Or clad yourself in Zamiel's skin, Your tending spirits we; Or "Peeping Tom" may be more apt, Since all are in your record clapp'd We send to Coventry.

5 Colonel A------y, certainly tho first whist player of the rooms.

If he ever drilled a company of raw recruits half as well as he manages a handful of bad cards, he must have been the very admirable Crichton of soldiership.

6 Mr. R------n, a facetious and good-humoured son of Erin; true

as clock-work to the board of green cloth, though he has been an age making a fortune from it.

7 Among the most fashionable amus.e.m.e.nts of Cheltenham are the fancy-b.a.l.l.s, given by two or three of the princ.i.p.al sojourners in that place, of card-playing, scandal, freemasonry, and hot water--G.o.d knows how many are in the latter ingredient! The most splendid I recollect was given by Colonel---------, or rather Miss---------, whose _protege_ he married; touching which alliance, there is a story of some interest and much romance. Of that, as Pierce Egan says very wittily in every critique, "of that anon."

There certainly was some fun and humour displayed by a few of the characters on the particular evening I mention; the two best performers were a reverend gentleman as one of Russell's waggoners, inimitably portrayed, and Captain B. A-----e, not the author of "To Day," but his brother, as an Indian prince. The dress, appearance, and language to the life.

~241~~

Yet still you've shown us, my smart beau, Things that we should and should not know, Vide the Oakland cots.

Bernard Blackmantle, learned Spy, Don't you think hundreds will cry fie, If you expose such plots?

You should have told them as I do, And yet I love your hunters too, That nothing is so vile As strutting up and down a street,8 Dirt-spatter'd o'er from head to feet, In the horse-jockey style.

_Ne sutor ultra crep_, should tell These red-coats 'tis a paltry swell, Such careless customs backing; If they must strut in spurs and boots, For once I'd join the chalk recruits, And shout, "Use Turner's Blacking."

Howe'er, push on--there are of all, Good, bad, high, low, and short, and tall, That seek from you decrees.

Fear not, strike strong--you must not fly-- We will have shots enough--I'm by, A Mephistopheles.

8 There surely is much and offensive vanity in the practice adopted by many members of the B. H. of appearing on the pro-menades and in the rooms of Cheltenham, bespattered o'er with the slush and foam of the hunting field. Every situation has its decent appropriations, and one would suppose comfort would have taught these Nimrods a better lesson. It is pardonable for children to wear their Valentines on the 14th of February, or for a young ensign to strut about armed _cap a pie_ for the first week of his appointment; but the fashion of showing off in a red jerkin, soiled smalls, mudded boots, and blooded spurs, is not imitable: there is nothing of the old manhood of sport in it; foppery and fox-hunting are not synonymous. Members of the B. H. look to it; follow no leader in this respect. Or, if you must needs persevere, turn your next fox out in the ball-room, and let the huntsman's horn and the view halloo supersede the necessity of harps and fiddle-strings.

~242~~

We'll learn and con them each by heart, Set them in note books by our art, Each lord, and duke, and tailor. From Dr. S------{9} to Peter K------, U------, O------, and I------, and E-----, and A------, Down to the ploughman Naylor.{10}

Then let them sow their crop of cares, Their flowers, their weeds, their fruit, their tares, Not looking ere they leap. We, like the folks in Jamie's book{11} Will i' the dark sharp up our hook, And, my own Barnard, reap.

9 Dr. S---------e, a very singular, but a very hearty kind of Caleb Quotem. He has been soldier, and sailor, doctor, and, I believe, divine. He is as well known at the best parties as the Wells and the Market-house. He gives feasts fit for the G.o.ds at home, and invariably credits his neighbours' viands as being Jove's nectar or the fruits of Paradise, so as to him they be not forbidden. Short commons could not upset his politeness. His anecdotes have a spice of the old courtier about them; but the line old _chanson a boire_, from Gammar Gurton's Needle,

"Back and side go bare, go bare, Both foot and hand go cold; But belly, G.o.d send good ale enough, Whether it be new or old;"

he really gives beautifully, and with a spice of the olden time quite delightful.

10 Mr. Naylor, of the Plough hotel; an excellent Boniface, a good friend, and a merry companion. As a boy, I recollect him keeping the Castle at Marlborough; at "frisky eighteen," I have contributed to his success at the Crown at Portsmouth; and I now, older, and it may be, a little wiser grown, patronize him occasionally at Cheltenham.

11 Vide Hogg's Brownie of Bodsbeck.

A TRIP TO THE SPAS.

~243~~

CHAPTER II.

The Spas--Medicinal Properties--Interesting specimens of the Picturesque--"Spasmodic Affections from Spa Waters"-- Grotesque Scripture--The G.o.ddess Hygeia--Humorous Epitaph-- Characters in the High Street--Traveller's Hall, or Sketches in the Commercial Room at the Bell Inn, Cheltenham.

"For walks and for waters, for beaux and for belles, There's nothing in nature to rival their wells."

Inquisitive traveller, if you would see the Well-walks in perfection, you must rise early, and take a sip of the saline aperients before you taste of the more substantial meal which the _Plough_-man. Naylor, or the Cheltenham _Bell_-man, or the _Shep-herd_ of the _Fleece_, will be sure to prepare for your morning mastication. Fashion always requires some talismanic power to draw her votaries together, beyond the mere healthful attractions of salubrious air, pleasant rides, romantic scenery, and cheerful society; and this magnet the Chelts possess in the acknowledged medicinal properties of their numerous spas, the superior qualities of which have been thus pleasantly poetized:--

"They're a healthful, and harmless, and purgative potion, And as purely saline as the wave of the ocean, Whilst their rapid effects like a---- ----Hush! never mind; We'll leave their effects altogether behind."

In short, if you wish to obtain benefit by the drinking of the waters, you must do it _dulcius ex ipso fonte_, as my Lord Bottle-it-out's system, the n.o.bleman who originally planned the Well-walks, of sending it home ~244~~to the drinkers in bed, has long since been completely exploded; while, on the other hand, its rapid effects have been very faithfully delineated by my friend Transit's view of the Royal Wells, as they appeared on the morning of our visitation, presenting some very interesting specimens of the picturesque in the Cruikshank style, actually drawn upon the spot, and affording to the eye of a common observer the most indubitable proofs of the active properties of the

Sulphate of soda, and oxide of iron, And gases, that none but the muse of a Byron Would attempt to describe in the magic of sound, Lest it made a report ere he'd quitted the ground; And poets are costive, as all the world knows, And value no fame that smells under their nose.

"Would you like to take off a gla.s.s of the waters, sir?" said a very respectable-looking old lady to my friend Transit, who was at that moment too busily engaged in taking off the water-drinkers to pay attention to her request. "There's a beautiful contortion!" exclaimed Bob; sketching a beau who exhibited in his countenance all the horrors of cholera, and was running away as fast as his legs could carry him.

"See, with what alacrity the old gentleman is moving off yonder, making as many wry faces as if he had swallowed an ounce of corrosive sublimate--and the ladies too, bless me, how their angelic smiles evaporate, and the roseate bloom of their cheeks is changed to the delicate tint of the lily, as they partake of these waters. What an admirable school for study is this! here we can observe every transition the human countenance is capable of expressing, from a ruddy state of health and happiness, to one of extreme torture, without charging our feelings with violence, and knowing that the pains are those of the patient's own seeking, and the penalties not of any long duration." In short, my friend Bob furnished, instanter, the subject of "Spasmodic Affections from, ~245~~Spa Waters," (see plate); certainly one of his most spirited efforts.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page245]

But we must not pa.s.s by the elegant structure of Montpelier Spa, the property of Pearson Thompson, esquire, whose gentlemanly manners, superior talents, and kind conduct, have much endeared him to all who know him as an acquaintance, and more to those who call him their friend. Pa.s.sing on the left-hand side of the upper well-walk, we found ourselves before this tasteful structure, and were much delighted with the arrangement of the extensive walks and grounds by which it is surrounded:--a health-inspiring spot, and as we are told,