New city _specs_, new west-end rigs, New gas-blown boots, new steam-curl'd wigs, New fashionable schools, New dandies, and new Bond-street dons, And new intrigues, and new crim cons, New companies of fools.{4}

Maria Foote and Edmund Kean, The "lions" just now of the scene, Shall yield to newer fun; For all our wonders at the best Are cast off for a newer vest, After a nine days' run.

Old beaux at Bath, manoeuvring belles, And pump-room puppies, Melsom swells, And Mr. _Heaviside_,{5} And Cheltenham carders,{6} every _runt_,

4 See note 3, page 6.

5 Mr. Heaviside, the polite M. C. of Bath. He has the finest cauliflower head of hair I over remember; but it covers a world of wit, for all that, and therefore however it may appear, it certainly is not the heavy side of him.

6 Cards, cards, cards, nothing but cards from "rosy morn to dewy eve" at the town of Cheltenham. Whist, with the sun shining upon their sovereigns, one would think a sovereign remedy for their waste of the blessed day--_ecarte_, whilst the blue sky is mocking the blue countenances of your thirty pound losers in as many seconds. Is it not marvellous?

Fathers, husbands, men who profess to belong to the Church.

By Jupiter! instead of founding the new university they talk about, they had better make it for the pupilage of perpetual card-players, and let them take their degrees by the cleverness in odd tricks, or their ability in shuffling. "No offence, Gregory." "No wonder they have their decrepit ones, their ranters."

~9~~

The playhouse, Berkeley, and "the hunt,"

With Marshall{7} by their side.

All these and more I should be loth To let escape from one or both, So saddle for next heat: The bell is rung, the course is cleared, Mount on your hobby, "nought afear'd,"

_Black-jacket_ can't be beat.

"Dum _spiro_ spero" shout, and ride Till you have 'scalp'd old Folly's hide, And none a kiss will waft her; Bind all the fools in your new book, That "I spy!" may lay my hook, And d--n them nicely after.

An Honest Reviewer.{8}

Given at my friend, "Sir John Barleycorn's"

Chambers, Tavistock, Covent Garden, this the 19th, day of February, 1825, "almost at odds with morning."

7 Mr. Marshall, the M. C. of Cheltenham. "Wear him in your heart's core, Horatio." I knew him well, a "fellow of infinite jest." A long reign and a merry one to him.

8 My anonymous friend will perceive that I estimate his wit and talent quite as much as his honesty: had he not been such a _rara avis_ he would have been consigned to the "tomb of all the Capulets."

CYTHEREAN BEAUTIES.

"The trav'ller, if he chance to stray, May turn uncensured to his way; Polluted streams again are pure, And deepest wounds admit a cure; But woman no redemption knows-- The wounds of honour never close."

--Moore.

~10~~Tremble not, ye fair daughters of chast.i.ty! frown not, ye moralists! as your eyes rest upon the significant t.i.tle to our chapter, lest we should sacrifice to curiosity the blush of virtue. We are painters of real life in all its varieties, but our colouring shall not be over-charged, or our characters out of keeping. The glare of profligacy shall be softened down or so neutralized as not to offend the most delicate feelings. In sketching the reigning beauties of the time, we shall endeavour to indulge the lovers of variety without sacrificing the fair fame of individuals, or attempting to make vice respectable.

Pleasure is our pursuit, but we are accompanied up the flowery ascent by Contemplation and Reflection, two monitors that shrink back, like sensitive plants, as the thorns press upon them through the ambrosial beds of new-blown roses. In our record of the daughters of Pleasure, we shall only notice those who are distinguished as _belles of ton--stars_ of the first magnitude in the hemisphere of Fashion; and of these the reader may say, with one or two exceptions, they "come like shadows, so depart." We would rather excite sympathy and pity for the ~11~~unfortunate, than by detailing all we know produce the opposite feelings of obloquy and detestation.

"Unhappy s.e.x! when beauty is your snare, Exposed to trials, made too frail to bear."

Then, oh! ye daughters of celestial Virtue, point not the scoffing glance at these, her truant children, as ye pa.s.s them by--but pity, and afford them a gleam of cheerful hope: so shall ye merit the protection of Him whose chief attribute is charity and universal benevolence. And ye, lords of the creation! commiserate their misfortunes, which owe their origin to the baseness of the seducer, and the natural depravity of your own s.e.x.

LADIES OF DISTINCTION,

"DANS LE PARTERRE DES IMPURES."

"Simplex sigillum veri."

"Nought is there under heav'n's wide hollowness That moves more dear, compa.s.sion of the mind, Than beauty brought t' unworthy wretchedness."

~12~~If ever there was a fellow formed by nature to captivate and conquer the heart of lovely woman, it is that arch-looking, light-hearted Apollo, Horace Eglantine, with his soul-enlivening conversational talents, his sc.r.a.ps of poetry, and puns, and fashionable anecdote; his chivalrous form and n.o.ble carriage, joined to a mirth-inspiring countenance and soft languishing blue eye, which sets half the delicate bosoms that surround him palpitating between hope and fear; then a glance at his well-shaped leg, or the fascination of an elegant compliment, smilingly overleaping a pearly fence of more than usual whiteness and regularity, fixes the fair one's doom; while the young rogue, triumphing in his success, turns on his heel and plays off another battery on the next pretty susceptible piece of enchanting simplicity that accident may throw into his way. "Who is that attractive star before whose influential light he at present seems to bow with adoration?" "A _fallen one_," said Crony, to whom the question was addressed, as he rode up the drive in Hyde Park, towards c.u.mberland-gate, accompanied by Bernard Blackmantle. "A _fallen one_"

reiterated the Oxonian--"Impossible!" "Why, I have marked the fair daughter of Fashion myself for the last fortnight constantly in the drive with one of the most superb ~13~~equipages among the _ton_ of the day." "True," responded Crony, "and might have done so for any time these three years." In London these daughters of Pleasure are like physicians travelling about to destroy in all sorts of ways, some on foot, others on horseback, and the more finished lolling in their carriages, ogling and attracting by the witchery of bright eyes; the latter may, however, very easily be known, by the usual absence of all armorial bearings upon the panel, the chariot elegant and in the newest fashion, generally dark-coloured, and lined with crimson to cast a rich glow upon the occupant, and the servants in plain frock liveries, with a c.o.c.kade, of course, to imply their mistresses have _seen service_. I know but of one who sports any heraldic ornament, and that is the female Giovanni, who has the very appropriate crest of a serpent coiled, and preparing to spring upon its prey, _a la Cavendish_. The _elegante_ in the dark _vis_, to whom our friend Horace is paying court, is the _ci-devant_ Lady Ros--b--y, otherwise Clara W----.

By the peer she has a son, and from the plebeian a pension of two hundred pounds per annum: her origin, like most of the frail sisterhood, is very obscure; but Clara certainly possesses talents of the first order, and evinces a generosity of disposition to her sisters and family that is deserving of commendation. In person, she is plump and well-shaped, but of short stature, with a fine dark eye and raven locks that give considerable effect to an otherwise interesting countenance. A few years since she had a penchant for the stage, and played repeatedly at one of the minor theatres, under the name of "The Lady;" a character Clara can, when she pleases, support with unusual _gaiete_: instance her splendid parties in Manchester-street, Manchester-square, where I have seen a coruscation of beauties a.s.sembled together that must have made great havoc in their time among the hearts of the young, the gay, and the generous. Like ~14~~most of her society, Clara has no idea of prudence, and hence to escape some pressing importunities, she levanted for a short time to Scotland, but has since, by the liberal advances of her present delusive, been enabled to quit the interested apprehensions of the _Dun_ family. The swaggering belle in the green pelisse yonder, on the _pave_, is the celebrated courtezan, Mrs. St*pf**d, of Curzon-street, May-fair. How she acquired her present cognomen I know not, unless it was for her _stopping_ accomplishment in the polite science of pugilism and modern patter, in both of which she is a finished proficient, as poor John D------, a dashing savoury chemist, can vouch for.

On a certain night, she followed this unfaithful swain, placing herself (unknown to him) behind his carriage, to the house of a rival sister of Cytherea, Mrs. St**h**e, and there enforced, by divers potent means, due submission to the laws of Constancy and Love; but as such compulsory measures were not in _good taste_ with the _protector's_ feelings, the contract was soon void, and the lady once more liberated to choose another and another swain, with a pension of two hundred pounds per annum, and a well-furnished house into the bargain. She was formerly, and when first she came out, the _chere amie_ of Tom B-----, who had, in spite of his science recently, in a short affair at Long's hotel, not much the Best of it. (See plate).

[Ill.u.s.tration: page015]

From him she bolted, and enlisted with an officer of the nineteenth Lancers; but not liking the house of Montague, she obtained the Grant of a furlough, and has since indulged in a plurality of lovers, without much attention to size, age, persons, or professions. Of her talent in love affairs, we have given some specimens; and her courage in war can never be doubted after the formidable attack she recently made upon General Sir John D***e, returning through Hounslow from a review, from which _rencontre_ she has obtained the appropriate appellation of the _Brazen ~15~~ Bellona_. A pretty round face, dark hair, and fine bushy eyebrows, are no mean attractions; independent of which the lady is always upon good terms with herself. The _belle whip_ driving the cabriolet, with a chestnut horse and four white legs, is the _Edgeware Diana_ Mrs. S***h, at present engaged in a partnership affair, in the foreign line, with two citizens, Messrs O. R. and S.; the peepholes at the side of her machine imply more than mere curiosity, and are said to have been invented by General Ogle, for the use of the ladies when on active service. The beautiful little Water Lily in the chocolate-coloured chariot, with a languishing blue eye and alabaster skin, is Mrs. Ha****y, otherwise K**d***k, of Gr--n-street, a great favourite with all who know her, from the elegance of her manners and the attractions of her person (being perfect symmetry); at present she is under the _special protection_ of a city stave merchant, and has the _reputation_ of being very sincere in her attachments.

"You must have been a desperate fellow in your time, Crony," said I, "among the belles of this cla.s.s, or you could never have become so familiar with their history." "It is the fashion," replied the veteran, "to understand these matters; among the _bons vivants_ of the present day a fellow would be suspected of _chast.i.ty_, or regarded as _uncivilized_, who could not run through the history of the reigning beauties of the times, descanting upon their various charms with poetical fervor, or illuminating, as he proceeds, with some choice anecdotes of the _Paphian divinities_, their protectors and propensities; and to do the fair _Citherians_ justice, they are not much behindhand with us in that respect, for the whole conversation of the sisterhood turns upon the figure, fortune, genius, or generosity of the admiring beaux. To a young and ardent mind, just emerging from scholastic discipline, with feelings uncontaminated by ~16~~fashionable levities, and a purse equal to all pleasurable purposes, a correct knowledge of the mysteries of the _Citherian principles of astronomy_ may be of the most essential consequence, not less in protecting his _morals and health_ than in the preservation of life and fortune. One half the duels, suicides, and _fashionable bankruptcies_ spring from this polluted source. The stars of this order rise and fall in estimation, become fixed planets or meteors of the most enchanting brilliancy, in proportion not to the grace of modesty, or the fascination of personal beauty, but to the notoriety and number of their amours, and the peerless dignity of their plurality of lovers.

"Place the G.o.ddess of Love on the pedestal of Chast.i.ty, in the sacred recesses of the grove of Health, veiled by virgin Innocence, and robed in celestial Purity, and who among the _cameleon_ race of fashionable _roues_ would incur the charge of _Vandalism_, or turn aside to pay devotion at her shrine? but let the salacious deity of Impurity mount the car of Profligacy, and drive forth in all the glare of crimson and gold, and a thousand devotees are ready to sacrifice their honour upon her profligate altars, or chain themselves to her chariot wheels as willing slaves to worship and adore."

"Let us take another turn up the drive," said I, "for I am willing to confess myself much interested in this _new system of astronomy_, and perhaps we may discover a few more of the _terrestrial planets_, and observe the _stars_ that move around their frail orbits." "I must first make you acquainted with the signs of the _Paphian zodiac_," said Crony; "for every one of these attractions have their peculiar and appropriate fashionable appellations. I have already introduced you to the _Bang Bantum_, Mrs Bertram; the _London Leda_, Moll Raffles; the _Spanish Nun_, St. Margurite; the _Sparrow Hawk_, Augusta C****e{1}; the _Golden_

1 See vol. i.

~17~~_Pippin_, Mrs. C.; the _White Crow_, Clara W****; the _Brazen Bellona_, Mrs. St**f**d; the _Edgeware Diana_, Mrs. S**th; and the _Water Lily Symmeterian_, Ha**l*y--_all planets_ of the first order, carriage curiosities. Let us now proceed to make further observations.

The _jolie_ dame yonder, in the phaeton, drawn by two fine bays, is called the _White Doe_, from her first deer protector; and although somewhat on the decline, she is yet an exhibit of no mean attraction, and a lady of fortune. Thanks to the liberality of an old hewer of stone, and the talismanic powers of the _golden Ball_, deserted by her last swain since his marriage, she now reclines upon the velvet cushion of Independence, enjoying in the Kilburn retreat, her _otium c.u.m dignitate_, secure from the rude winds of adversity, and in the occasional society of a few old friends. The lovely Thais in the brown chariot, with a fine Roman countenance, dark hair, and sparkling eyes, is the favourite elect of a well-known whig member; here she pa.s.ses by the name of the _Comic Muse_, the first letter of which will also answer for the leading initial of her theatrical cognomen. Her, private history is well-known to every son of _old Etona_ who has taken a _toodle_ over Windsor-bridge on a market-day within the last fifteen years, her parents being market gardeners in the neighbourhood; and her two unmarried sisters, both fine girls, are equally celebrated with the Bath orange-women for the neatness of their dress and comeliness of their persons. There is a sprightliness and good-humour about the _Comic Muse_ that turns aside the shafts of ill-nature; and had she made her selection more in accordance with propriety, and her own age, she might have escaped our notice; but, alas!" said Crony, "she forgets that

'The rose's age is but a day; Its bloom, the pledge of its decay, Sweet in scent, in colour bright, It blooms at morn and fades at night.

~18~~At this moment a dashing little horsewoman trotted by in great style, followed by a servant in blue and gold livery; her bust was perfection itself, but studded with the oddest pair of _ogles_ in the world, and Crony a.s.sured me (report said) her person was supported by the shortest pair of legs, for an adult, in Christendom. "That is the _queen_ of the _dandysettes_," said my old friend, "Sophia, Selina, or, as she is more generally denominated, _Galloping_ W****y, from a _long Pole_, who settled the interest of five thousand upon her for her natural life; she is since said to have married her groom, with, however, this prudent stipulation, that he is still to ride behind her in public, and answer all demands in _propria persona_. She is constantly to be seen at all masquerades, and may be easily known by her utter contempt for the inc.u.mbrance of decent costume." "How d'ye do? How d'ye do?" said a most elegant creature, stretching forth her delicate white kid-covered arm over the _fenetre_ of Lord Hx.x.xx.x.xx*h's _vis a vis_. "Ah! _bon jour, ma chere amie_," said old Crony, waving his hand and making one of his best bows in return. "You are a happy dog," said I, "old fellow, to be upon such pleasant terms with that divinity. No plebeian blood there, I should think: a peeress, I perceive, by the coronet on the panels." "_A peine cognoist, ou la femme et le melon_,"

responded Crony, "you shall hear. Among the _ton_ she pa.s.ses by the name of Vestina the t.i.tan, from her being such a finished tactician in the campaigns of Venus;. her ordinary appellation is Mrs. St--h--pe: whether this be a _nom de guerre or a nom de terre_, I shall not pretend to decide; if we admit that _la chose est toute_, _et que la nom n'y fait rien_, the rest is of no consequence. It would be an intricate task to unravel the family web of our fashionable frail ones, although that of many frail fashionables stands high in heraldry. The lady in question, although in 'the sear o' the leaf,' is yet in high request; 'fat, fair, and forty' shall I say?

~19~~Alas! that would have been more suitable ten years since; but, _n'importe_, she has the science to conceal the ravages of time, and is yet considered attractive. No one better understands the art of intrigue; and she is, moreover, a travelled dame, not deficient in intellect, full of anecdote; and as _conjugation and declension_ go hand in hand with some men of taste, she has risen into notice when others usually decline. A sporting colonel is said to have formerly contributed largely to her comforts, and her tact in matters of business is notorious; about two hundred per annum she derived from the Stock Exchange, and her present _peerless protector_ no doubt subscribes liberally. To be brief, Laura has money in the funds, a splendid house, carriage, gives her grand parties, and lives proportionably expensive and elegant; yet with all this she has taken care that the age of gold may succeed to the age of bra.s.s, that the retirement of her latter days may not be overclouded by the storms of adversity. She had two sisters, both gay, who formerly figured on the _pave_, Sarah and Louisa; but of late they have disappeared, report says, to _conjugate_ in private.

Turn your eyes towards the promenade," said Crony, "and observe that constellation of beauties, three in number, who move along _le verd gazon_: they are denominated the _Red Rose_, the _Moss Rose_, and the _Cabbage Rose_. The first is Rose Co*l**d, a dashing belle, who has long figured in high life; her first appearance was in company with Lord William F***g***ld, by whom she has a child living; from thence we trace her to the protection of another peer, Lord Ty*****], and from him gradually declining to the rich relative of a northern baronet, sportive little Jack R*****n, whose favourite _lauda finem_ she continued for some time; but as the law engrossed rather too much of her protector's affairs, so the fair engrossed rather too much of the law; whether she has yet given up ~20~~practice in the King's Bench I cannot determine, but her appearance here signifies that she will accept a fee from any side; Rose has long since lost every tint of the maiden's blush, and is now in the full blow of her beauty and maturity, but certainly not without considerable personal attractions; with some her _nom de guerre_ is _Rosa longa_, and a wag of the day says, that Rose is a beauty in _spite of her teeth_. The _Moss Rose_ has recently changed her cognomen with her residence, and is now Mrs. F**, of Beaumout-street; she was never esteemed a _planet_, and may be now said to have sunk into a star of the second order, a little _twinkling light_, useful to a.s.sist elderly gentlemen in finding their way to the Paphian temple. The _Cabbage Rose_ is one of your vulgar beauties, ripe as a peach, and rich in countenance as the ruby: if she has never figured away with the peerage, she has yet the credit of being ent.i.tled to _three b.a.l.l.s_ on her coronet, and an _old uncle_ to support them: she has lately taken a snug box in Park-place, Regent's-park, and lives in very good style. The belle in the brown chariot, gray horses, and blue liveries is now the lady of a baronet, and one of three _graceless graces_, the Elx.x.xxx's, who, because their father kept a livery stable, must needs all go to _rack_: she has a large family living by Mr. V*l*b***s, whom she left for the honour of her present connexion. That she is married to the baronet, there is no doubt; and it is but justice to add, she is one among the many instances of such compromises in fashionable life who are admitted into society upon sufferance, and falls into the cla.s.s of demi-respectables. Among the park beaux she is known by the appellation of the _Doldrums_ her two sisters have been missing some time, and it is said are now rusticating in Paris." My friend Eglantine had evidently fled away with the white crow, and the fashionables were rapidly decreasing in the drive, when Crony, whose scent of ~21~~dinner hour is as staunch as that of an old pointer at game, gave evident symptoms of his inclination to masticate. "We must take another opportunity to finish our lecture on the principles of _Citherian astronomy_," said the old beau, "for as yet we are not half through the list of constellations. I have a great desire to introduce you to Harriette Wilson and her sisters, whose true history will prove very entertaining, particularly as the fair writer has altogether omitted the genuine anecdotes of herself and family in her recently published memoirs."

At dinner we were joined by Horace Eglantine and Bob Transit, from the first of whom we learned, that a grand fancy ball was to take place at the Argyll Rooms in the course of the ensuing week, under the immediate direction of four fashionable impures, and at the expense of General Trinket, a broad-shouldered Milesian, who having made a considerable sum by the commissariat service, had returned home to spend his Peninsular pennies among the Paphian dames of the metropolis. For this entertainment we resolved to obtain tickets, and as the ci-devant lady H***e was to be patroness, Crony a.s.sured us there would be no difficulty in that respect, added to which, he there promised to finish his sketches of the Citherian beauties of the metropolis, and afford my friend Transit an opportunity of sketching certain portraits both of Paphians and their paramours.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page021]

THE WAKE;

OR,