The Learned Pig.

"My learned Friend," the showman cries; The pig a.s.sents--the showman lies; So counsel oft address a brother In flattering lie to one another; Calling their friend some legal varlet, Who lies, and bullies, till he's Scarlett.

~360~~the present Attorney-General, is a strong proof of the truth of this quotation. To a systematic and profound knowledge of the law, this gentleman unites a mind richly stored with all the advantages of a liberal education and extensive reading, not merely confined to the dry pursuit in which he is engaged, but branching forth into the most luxuriant and highly-cultivated fields of science and the arts. On this account, he shines with peculiar brightness at _Nisi Prius_; and is as much above the former in the powers of his mind and splendour of his oratory, as he is superior to the presumptuousness of Scarlett's vulgarity. Mr. Marryat is said to possess an excellent knowledge of the heavy business of his profession; and it must be admitted, that his full, round, heavy-looking countenance, and still heavier attempts at wit and humour, admirably suit the man to his peculiar manner: after all, he is a most persevering counsel; not deficient in good sense, and always distinguished by great zeal for his client's interests. Mr.

Gurney is a steady, pains-taking advocate, considered by the profession as a tolerable criminal lawyer, but never affecting any very learned arguments in affairs of principles or precedents. In addressing a jury, he is both perspicuous and convincing; but far too candid and gentlemanly in his practice to contend with the trickery of Scarlett.--Mr. Common-Serjeant Denman is a man fitted by nature for the law. I never saw a more judicial-looking countenance in my life; there is a sedate gravity about it, both "stern and mild," firm without fierceness, and severe without austerity:--he appears thoughtful, penetrating, and serene, yet not by any means devoid of feeling and expression:--deeply read in the learning of his profession, he is yet much better than a mere lawyer; for his speeches and manners must convince his hearers that he is an accomplished gentleman. Of Brougham, it may be justly said,~361~~

----" his delights Are dolphin-like; they show his back above The elements he lives in:"

his voice, manner, and personal appearance, are not the happiest; but the gigantic powers of his mind, and the energy of his unconquerable spirit, rise superior to these defects. His style of speaking is marked by a nervous freedom of the most convincing character; he aims little at refinement, and labours more to make himself intelligible than elegant.

In zeal for his clients, no man is more indefatigable; and he always appears to dart forward with an undaunted resolution to overcome and accomplish. But here I must stop sketching characters, and refer you to a very able representation of the court, the bar, and jury, by our friend Transit, in which are accurate likenesses of all I have previously named, and also of the following worthies, Messrs. Raine, Pollock, Ashworth, Courtney, Starkie, Williams, Parke, Rotch, Piatt, Patterson, Raper, Browne, Lawrence, and Whately, to which are added some whom--

"G.o.d forbid me if I slander them with the t.i.tle of learned, for generally they are not."--Nash's Lenten Stuff, 1599.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page361]

We were just clearing the steps of the court house, when a jolly-looking, knowing sort of fellow, begged permission to speak to Echo. A crimson flush o'erspread Tom's countenance in a moment. Transit, who was down, as he phrased it, tipped me a wink; and although I had never before seen either of the professional brothers-in-law, John Doe and Richard Roe, the smart jockey-boots, short stick, st.u.r.dy appearance, and taking manners of the worthy, convinced me at once, that our new acquaintance was one or other of those well-known personages: to be brief, poor Tom was arrested for a large sum by a Bond-street hotel-keeper, who had trusted him somewhat too long.

~362~~Arrangement by bail was impossible: this was a proceeding on a judgment; and with as little ceremony, and as much _sang froid_ as he would have entered a theatre, poor Tom was placed inside a hackney coach, accompanied by the aforesaid personage and his man, and drove off in apparent good spirits for the King's Bench Prison, where Transit and myself promised to attend him on the morrow, employing the mean time in attempting to free him from durance vile. It was about twelve at noon of the next day, when Transit and myself, accompanied by Tom's creditor and his solicitor, traversed over Waterloo Bridge, and bent our steps towards the abode of our incarcerated friend.

"The winds of March, with many a sudden gust, About Saint George's Fields had raised the dust; And stirr'd the ma.s.sive bars that stand beneath The spikes, that wags call _Justice Abbot's teeth_."

The first glimpse of the Obelisk convinced us we had entered the confines of _Abbot's Park_, as the rules are generally termed, for here Bob recognised two or three among the sauntering rangers, whose habiliments bore evidence of their once fashionable notoriety;

"And still they seem'd, though shorn of many a ray, Not less than some arch dandy in decay."

"A very pretty _bit of true life_," said Bob; and out came the sketch book to note them down, which, as we loitered forward, was effected in his usual rapid manner, portraying one or two well-known characters; but for their cognomens, misfortune claims exemption:--to them we say,

"Thou seest thou neither art mark'd out or named, And therefore only to thyself art shamed."

_J. Withers's Abuses strict and whipt_.

~363~~

[Ill.u.s.tration: page363]

To be brief, we found Echo, by the aid of the crier, safely tiled in at ten in twelve, happy to all appearance, and perfectly domiciled, with two other equally fresh a.s.sociates. The creditor and his solicitor chose to wait the issue of our proposition in the lobby; a precaution, as I afterwards found, to be essentially necessary to their own safety; for,

"He whom just laws imprison still is free Beyond the proudest slaves of tyranny."

Although I must confess the exhibition we had of _freedom in Banco Regis_ was rather a rough specimen; a poor little limb of the law, who had formerly been a leg himself, had, like other great lawyers, ratted, and commenced a furious warfare upon some old cronies, for divers penalties and perjuries, arising out of Greek prosecutions: too eager to draw the blunt, he had been inveigled into the interior of the prison, and there, after undergoing a most delightful pumping upon, ~364~~was _rough-dried_ by being tossed in a blanket (see plate).

[Ill.u.s.tration: page364]

This entertainment we had the honour of witnessing from Echo's room window; and unless the Marshal and his officers had interfered, I know not what might have been the result. A very few words sufficed to convince Tom of the necessity of yielding to his creditor's wishes.

A letter of licence was immediately produced and signed, and the gay-hearted Echo left once more at liberty to wing his flight wherever his fancy might direct. On our road home, it was no trifling amus.e.m.e.nt to hear him relate

"The customs of the place, The manners of its mingled populace, The lavish waste, the riot, and excess, Neighbour'd by famine, and the worst distress; The decent few, that keep their own respect, And the contagion of the place reject; The many, who, when once the lobby's pa.s.s'd, Away for ever all decorum cast, And think the walls too solid and too high, To let the world behold their infamy."

Ever on the alert for novelty, we hopped into and dined at the Coal Hole Tavern in the Strand, certainly one of the best and cheapest ordinaries in London, and the society not of the meanest. Rhodes himself is a punster and a poet, sings a good song, and sells the best of wine; and what renders mine host more estimable, is the superior manners of the man. Here was congregated together a mixed, but truly merry company, composed of actors, authors, reporters, clerks in public departments, and half-pay officers, full of whim, wit, and eccentricity, which, when the mantling bowl had circulated, did often "set the table in a roar."

In the evening, Transit proposed to us a visit to the Life Academy, Somerset House, where he was an admitted student; but on trying the experiment, was not able to effect our introduction: you must therefore be content with ~365~~his sketch of the _true sublime_, in which he has contrived to introduce the portraits of several well-known academicians _(see plate)_.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page365]

Thus far Horatio Heartly had written, when the unexpected appearance of Bernard Blackmantle in London cut short the thread of his narrative.

"Where now, mad-cap?" said the sincere friend of his heart: "what unaccountable circ.u.mstance can have brought you to the village in term and out of vacation?" "A very uncommon affair, indeed, for a young author, I a.s.sure you: I have had the good fortune to receive a notice from the managers of the two Theatres Royal, that my play is accepted at Covent Garden, and my farce at Drury Lane, and am come up post-haste to read them in the green rooms to-morrow, and take the town by storm before the end of the next month." "It is a dangerous experiment," said Horatio. "I know it," replied the fearless Bernard; "but he who fears danger will never march on to fortune or to victory. I am sure I have a sincere friend in Charles Kemble, if managerial influence can ensure the success of my play; and I have cast my farce so strong, that even with all Elliston's mismanagement, it cannot well fail of making a hit. _Nil desperandum_ is my motto; so a truce with your friendly forebodings of doubts, and fears, and critics' _scratches_; for I am determined 'to seek the bubble reputation even in the cannon's mouth.'" Thus ended the colloquy, and on the morning of the morrow Bernard was introduced, in due form, to the _dramatis personae_ of the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden (see plate).

[Ill.u.s.tration: page366]

There is as much difference between the rival companies of the two patent theatres as there is between the habits and conduct of the managers: in Covent Garden, the gentlemanly manners of Charles Kemble, and his amiable desire to make all happy around him, has imparted something of a kindred feeling to the ~366~~performers; and hence, a.s.sisted by the friendly ancient Fawcett, the whole of the establishment has all the united family feeling of a little commonwealth, struggling to secure its independence and popularity. Here Bernard's reception was every thing a young author could wish: kind attention from the company, and considerative hints for the improvement of his play, accompanied with the good wishes of all for its success, left an impression of grat.i.tude upon the mind of the young author, that gave fresh inspiration to his talents, and increased his confidence in his own abilities. At Drury Lane the case was far otherwise; and the want of that friendly attention which distinguished the rival company proved very embarra.s.sing to the early buddings of dramatic genius. Perhaps a slight sketch of the scene might not prove uninstructive to young authors, or fail in its intended effect upon old actors. Reader, imagine Bernard Blackmantle, an enthusiastic and eccentric child of Genius, seated at the green-room table, reading his musical farce to the surrounding company, and then judge what must be the effect of the following little scene.

PROGRAMME.

Bernard Blackmantle reading; Mr. Elliston speaking to Spring, the box-office keeper; and Mr. Winston in a pa.s.sion, at the door, with the master carpenter; Mr. Knight favouring the Author with a few new ideas; and the whole company engaged in the most amusing way, making side speeches to one another (see plate).

DOWTON. 'Gad, renounce me--little valorous--d----d annoying, (_looking at his watch_)--these long rehearsals always spoil my Vauxhall dinner--More hints to the Author--better keep them for his next piece.

~367~~MUNDEN (sputtering). My wigs and eyes--Dowton's a better part than mine; I'll have a fit of the gout, on purpose to get out of it--that's what I will.

KNIGHT (to the Author). My dear boy, it strikes me that it might be much improved. (Aside) Got an idea; but can't let him have it for nothing.

HARLEY (to Elliston). If this piece succeeds, it can't be played every night--let Fitz. understudy it--don't breakfast on beef-steaks, now. If you wish to enjoy health--live at Pimlico--take a run in the parks--and read Abernethy on const.i.tutional origin.

TERRY (to Mrs. Orger). It's a remarkable thing that the manager should allow these d----d interruptions. If it was my piece, I would not suffer it--that's my opinion.

WALLACE (to himself). What a little discontented mortal that is!--it's the best part in the piece, and he wishes it made still better.

ELLISTON (awakening). Silence there, gentlemen, or it will be impossible to settle this important point--and my property will, in consequence, be much deteriorated. (Enter Boy with brandy and water.) Proceed, sir--(to Author, after a sip)--Very spirited indeed.

[Ill.u.s.tration: page367]

Enter Sam. Spring, touching his hat.

SPRING. Underline a special desire, sir, next week? Elliston. No, Sam., I fear our special desires are nearly threadbare.

Prompter's boy calling in at the door. Mr. Octavius Clarke would be glad to speak with Mr. Elliston.

ELLISTON. He be d----d! Silence that noise between Messrs. Winston and Bunn--and turn out Waterloo Tom.

MADAME VESTRIS. My dear Elliston, do you mean to keep us here all day?

~368~~ELLISTON (whispering). I had rather keep you all night, madame.

SHERWIN (to G. Smith). I wish it may be true that one of our comedians is going to the other house; I shall then stand some chance for a little good business--at present I have only two decent parts to my back.

LISTON (as stiff as a poker). If I pa.s.s an opinion, I must have an increase of salary; I never unbend on these occasions.