I pushed toward the beach, tripping in my haste so that for a moment even my head dipped into the brine. Streaming cold water, I regained the sand. The shoes and stockings that I'd left there were gone. Bitterly, I concluded that their loss did not matter, for they were nearly useless; there was nowhere for me to go. I'd verified what I'd already known to be true: the nothingness of rock, mountain, and sea stretched far, far beyond the distance my puny legs could travel.

The sun was setting by the time I staggered to the top of the morro. My feet were bleeding, and I was shivering so violently that my head ached, but most terrible of all was the fierceness with which I longed to be home, my mother calling for Gustina to bring hot water, my father shaking his head fondly at my rashness. My loneliness overwhelmed me like one of the waves, and I gasped and closed my eyes against it.

When I opened them, I saw Mrs. Crawley. I'd hoped to slink inside, un.o.bserved by any of them, but there she was, swinging her arms mannishly as she came down the path toward me, preparing to bark a thing or two at me about lighthouse life.

She must have seen me from her window, for she'd brought a navy blanket, property of the Lighthouse Service. She wrapped it around my shoulders. "What's happened to you? We worried."

I sobbed then. I couldn't help myself. "I've ruined my dress." This was not at all my concern, but I couldn't bear to voice any other, truer sorrow.

"For heaven's sake, the dress will wash."

I blotted my tears on the blanket's rough wool.

"The husbands were afraid you'd fallen off the morro. I told them you weren't so stupid. You went for a swim, though, I see."

I told her how far I'd walked, about the purple pool and the relentless tide. "And I saw a strange animal. Not a fish, I don't think, and not a seal. Its head was small and black, but there was a little brown on it, too."

"An otter, I'll bet, like the other. There must be a community of them, then. Good."

We were quiet for a moment, remembering the pup.

"Go inside," she said, resuming her old briskness, but in a way that warmed me. "Tell that husband of yours to make you a good hot bath."

"Thank you, Mrs. Crawley."

"And now you'll know better than to go wandering off, won't you?" Although her voice was kind, I could hear the flint beneath it. "You have to think about protecting your baby. Don't forget, there are many things here that you don't yet understand. This isn't Minnesota."

"Wisconsin," I said weakly. She was right. I'd had no idea about the tide. I knew so little about this place. "I understand, Mrs. Crawley."

"Euphemia," she said. She gave me a little push toward our front steps, as if I were a child who needed direction, and then stepped to the bell outside her own door to summon her family to dinner.

Oskar was sorry. He begged me to forgive him in words that washed around me like a warm bath. He'd advised against the literal bath, instructing me to take off my clothes and lie beside him in bed, skin to skin. It was the best cure, he insisted, for hypothermia. I was sorry in return not to have been more careful with his pages.

He claimed that he couldn't re-create the diagrams. The solution to the wireless telegraph, the proper combination of magnet and mercury, wire and gla.s.s, he said, had come to him in a flash, almost in a dream; he couldn't call it back. Although I urged him to reapply himself, he refused. It was true that, having never felt inspiration myself, I didn't understand its fits and starts. Could he really have lost everything with those few pages? Or was it an excuse to jettison another project he feared would fail?

CHAPTER 19.

OUR BABY CAME to nothing.

For some weeks, we'd lived in happy antic.i.p.ation, expecting, despite Euphemia's warning. Without electrical experiments to distract him, Oskar was enthusiastic again about furnishing our house. He built a cradle and a night table. "So I can bring you coffee in bed," he said.

If it was a girl, he hoped we might name her Amelia, for his sister. He pressed his palm to my belly, which, in truth, had hardly grown. Had I felt it quicken? he wondered.

I had not. What I did feel one afternoon was a faint echo of the familiar tightening I'd known for a day or two every month since I'd been a high school girl. In an hour, I was gasping, holding my breath, curling myself into a crouch in a vain effort to push away the relentless, wringing grip.

"What is it?" Oskar asked desperately, standing over me as I rolled myself into a ball on our bed, trying to escape from my own insides.

"It's nothing," I said, my voice taut and small. "Nothing." It was, I believed, the old monthly pain making up with a vengeance for the time it had lost. "Only Euphemia was wrong after all."

I begged for it to release me, and after some hours it did, but Euphemia hadn't been wrong, for within the river of blood that gushed from between my legs was a miniature figure, unquickened but nevertheless human. Its few inches included a tiny head and limbs. It hung from me, attached to my insides by a cord so fine that I could and did pinch it in half with my fingers. Later I would wish that I'd held the being who was not to be more tenderly, and at the same time, I would wish that I'd not dared to look at its haunting form at all.

Oskar had fetched Euphemia, and she whisked it away and led me to the bed. She fitted folded cloth after folded cloth between my legs to stanch the blood.

"Poor dear," she said, and I didn't know whether she meant me or the other.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's nothing."

To buck me up, Euphemia told me that she herself had had three such experiences, one even further along. "If it's going to happen, the sooner the better. You're lucky."

Euphemia said I ought to stay in bed, but lying there thinking about nothing made me cry, so as soon as I was able, I took myself outside to tend the tubs.

Our collection had steadily swelled. Recognizing the cruelty and futility of trapping a living being in a few inches of dirty water, as the children had been doing with their jars, I'd asked Mr. Crawley to saw some empty barrels in half to make tubs in which the animals and plants we gathered might thrive. He'd hesitated. The barrels were Lighthouse Service property. We were required to return empty as many as we'd received full, unless we put them to another purpose. This was another purpose, I'd insisted.

"I'd not relish being the one to explain these shenanigans to Inspector Roberts," he'd said, but his saw had been poised for the first cut.

As best as we could, we created the world of the tide pools in the tubs, arranging rocks to which anemones and mussels clung, making caves in which crabs could hide. One of the key ingredients, naturally, was salt water. We carried several buckets up at a time on the steam donkey, refreshing the tubs every few days. Our aquariums attracted gulls, so we had to build a scarecrow beside them, which pleased Euphemia, since it also discouraged the eagles from swooping down on the chickens.

The tubs helped to make sense of what we found. We began to understand how some of these animals grew and changed, who ate whom, which preferred shade and which craved the sun, which liked to live near one another and which couldn't abide certain neighbors. I was impressed by the sheer range of life that the whole mess represented, but I was also beginning to recognize an order in it. Altogether, it was thoroughly satisfying work, even if some of the creatures, despite our best efforts, couldn't adapt to the artificial environment and died.

It was so satisfying that adding to and organizing the collection became pretty much the focus of our school. In the cla.s.sroom, while dried specimens continued to cover the floor, they were no longer a jumble. Using Some Species of the Pacific Coast, as well as our own observations and reason, we'd arranged our finds into distinct categories, the pressed seaweeds in one portion of the room, the bivalves in another, and so on.

Prime real estate under the window was devoted to the unusual man-made objects, among them the cormorant-feather disk that I'd seen on the cairn. The children had recently added some new things: one morning when I'd opened the door, I'd found Mary standing with her two cupped hands before her, forming a nest for four little bundles. I thought they must be mice or fledglings, but they were not living creatures. Rather, they were little twists of the rubbery plant called kelp.

By this time I'd discovered kelp to be a fascinating substance, monstrously long and tough, but also beautiful if viewed in the right way, with its strange hollow stems, its pale green bulbs like enormous pearls, and its trailing leaves that rose and fell like hair on the undulating water. To the children, though, it was as unremarkable as gra.s.s, so I couldn't see why Mary cradled it with such care and why the rest gathered around so eagerly.

"We should each open one," Edward said. "Jane chooses first."

The kelp only served as a wrapper. "What are these things?" I asked. "Where did you get them?"

They didn't answer, only went on pulling at the leaves, which fell quickly away to reveal four objects carved of soft gray driftwood, each about two inches high: a crab, a pelican, a dolphin, and a seal, the last sitting cunningly on its own little rock.

"Where did these come from?" I asked again.

"From the mermaid," Jane said finally. "She left them on the stones for us."

Baby Johnston's grave. I felt a personal pain in thinking of it now that I'd experienced my own loss. Archie Johnston must have left the figures, I thought, as offerings for his dead child. Did he know that the living children took them for themselves? Remembering him giving Jane the worm sh.e.l.l on my first afternoon, I believed he did. Probably he guessed, and perhaps it gave him some comfort to play fairy G.o.dfather. Poor Mr. Johnston.

To be sure, we kept on with our sums and our pa.s.sages. And we worked at our Latin-mostly to a.s.sign appropriate "scientific" names to beings we couldn't identify in Some Species. But we would hurry through these lessons, and often in the afternoons, instead of climbing into bed with Oskar, I would scour the beach with the children, searching for new species and fine examples of those with which we were already acquainted, with a good deal of larking about thrown in. I explained to Euphemia that on these afternoons I was teaching my students to observe astutely, to handle wildlife with respect, to understand natural history and scientific cla.s.sification, and to draw. (Having long ago exhausted my sketchbook and all of my writing stock, we were filling blank logbooks that I'd pilfered from the lighthouse.) "As long as their ch.o.r.es are done, I don't mind," Euphemia said. "But," she added, looking sternly at the children, "you must stay on the beach."

They nodded solemnly and promised. I wondered if she feared they would swim away or disappear into the mountains. Of course we'd stay on the beach. There was nowhere else.

CHAPTER 20.

ONE AFTERNOON IN early November, I remained beside one of the tubs after I'd dismissed the children for lunch, sketching in a logbook a being that the children called a sea cradle and Some Species labeled a chiton. Had I noticed a chiton on my first day on the beach, I would have dismissed it as a small rough patch, not an animal but a defect of the rock. Now I understood it to be a single-footed creature whose simple plates of armor had served to protect its species since practically the beginning of the earth. Chitons came in different colors, and I wondered why some were red and some were brown and some were yellow or gray or green. I speculated as to whether the pigments in their food somehow tinted their skin and whether their colors camouflaged them from predators. They appeared to stay still, yet I knew from observing them in the tub that they somehow moved across the rock, leaving in their wake a path cleared of algae, which I supposed they must be eating. They were primitive creatures, but even so, they knew enough to curl their armor around their vulnerable undersides when they were pried away from their homes.

First I sketched the little creature as it flattened itself against a rock, and then I tried without success to tug it gently off its base, so as to make it roll up like a pill bug.

"What're you doing?" Oskar had come up behind me.

Hastily, I pulled my fingers from the water and wiped them on my duster. "I'm sorry. You must want your lunch."

"I'm all right. What were you doing?" he repeated.

"I was trying to get it to defend itself. The book only shows it flat." I pointed to its picture in Some Species, which lay open beside me.

He studied the page. "Are you sure it's the same? This says it's supposed to be brown."

As I described my own puzzlement over the colors, he slid his fingernail between the rock and the animal and, without hesitation, pulled it free, whereupon it gradually curled up, as I'd known it would.

"Perhaps you've discovered a new species. You ought to send one to your Miss Dodson. See what she makes of it." He dropped the tiny balled creature back into the water and turned his attention to the log in which I'd been drawing. "Yours is better than the one in the book." He touched my picture, leaving a wet circle on the page. Then he turned his intense gaze on me, as he'd not done in many weeks. "You should work up a catalog of your creatures. That'd be a real contribution to science."

"Oh, I don't know." I brushed futilely at the drop of water that had soaked into the page.

He shrugged. "If you're done, let's eat. I'm exhausted."

Since he'd given up electricity, Oskar had become the model of an a.s.sistant lighthouse keeper. He arrived at his shift on time and stayed late, meticulously if dully checking and cleaning the machinery and the building. He'd discovered, even before Mr. Crawley, that the mercury on which the Fresnel lens floated (without this lubricant, the ma.s.sive gla.s.s prism would be far too heavy to turn) had evaporated dangerously. He'd put a new blowc.o.c.k and pipe in the boiler without help from Mr. Crawley or Archie Johnston, and he'd tarred the smokestack in his free hours. He came home promptly for lunch and didn't complain about the monotonous fare that remained in our stores-mostly beans and sprouted, rubbery potatoes. Immediately after lunch, he would take himself to bed and lie there wearing the black spectacles he'd brought home from the light, so I couldn't tell whether his eyes were open or closed. He'd quit interrupting the children's lessons, and had there been any writing paper left, we would have had it to ourselves. At first I'd been relieved that he was no longer so overexcited and preoccupied by his "real" work, but now I was anxious and unhappy, for he wasn't himself, and though I tried to engage him with sprightly conversation and caresses, he rarely responded. It seemed we would not be returning in triumph after all.

I'd intended after lunch to see if Euphemia had some work for me, but today I stubbornly followed Oskar up to our bed. Although in the past, there had been plenty of afternoons when I'd wished he would leave me alone, I missed being the object of his desire. Admittedly, since I'd lost my corset, I hadn't attempted to constrict myself to fit into my attractive clothes but went around every day in my loose duster. I took the shapeless thing off and stood naked except for my shift while I combed out my hair, a pose sure to interest him in the past. To my chagrin, he was asleep before I'd slipped between the sheets.

Discouraged, I dressed and made my way back to the tubs. In one of them, a small green crab, Pugettia producta-or was it Pugettia gracilis or Pugettia richii or, as Oskar had suggested, some other, unidentified Pugettia altogether?-worked its way busily over a ribbon of kelp. Its round black eyes reminded me of Miss Dodson's-although hers were not on stalks. Perhaps I should send her a selection of starfish and crabs-they dried well-and a few nudibranches and chitons. Anemones would be nice, but without water in which to expose their tentacles, they were unimpressive, resembling wadded dirty rags.

I tore a page from my logbook: Dear Miss Dodson, I am sending you some dried specimens, along with drawings of some others that I fear would not make the journey well, in the hope that they might interest you. All of them can be found along the central coast of California, where I now live. They seem to me to be strange creatures, for the most part, but perhaps they are ordinary and strange just to me, who am not used to such things. I look forward to your response but can receive and send mail only every three or four months, so you'll understand when I'm slow to reply.

I considered explaining how I came to be in California and concluded that such personal details were not the purpose of my communication with my former teacher. I signed the letter with my maiden name, realizing that she wouldn't know me by any other. In a postscript, I mentioned the catalog and asked her advice. Did she think it might be a worthwhile pursuit?

I spent a great deal of time on my drawings, considering how to ill.u.s.trate the distinctions among the crabs, for instance, and including detailed renderings of the claws. I pondered how best to show scale and habitat, in which the distinctions most vividly came into play. And I recorded habits-as far as the children and I had been able to observe them-thinking that would be valuable information, too.

It was difficult to package the specimens. Resilient in their salt.w.a.ter baths, they were fragile as gla.s.s once they'd been dried. The children helped me to gather gra.s.s in the wide meadows between our morro and the mountains, and I made a little nest for each creature and then laid the nests in a crate, smothered them with more gra.s.s and crumpled newspapers, and nailed it shut. In a barrel, I made a bed of sawdust for the nailed crate, along with a couple of gauges that we couldn't repair by ourselves and were sending to San Francisco.

The Madrone, the same tender on which we'd come, arrived on a hot, clear morning late in November. It was our first contact with the world beyond the morro since we'd arrived in July, and I waited, nearly holding my breath, for Euphemia to dole out the contents of the yellow mail pouch that the steam donkey trundled up. In the end, I had a precious stack of envelopes: a long letter each from three of my school friends, including Lucy; two from my father; and six from my mother. We also got a share of a smattering of San Francisco Examiners, seemingly selected at random, and Oskar got a letter from his father.

At the barrel-opening ceremony that evening, Euphemia set aside a number of choice cans-sweet potatoes and currant jam and such-not to be opened until Christmas dinner, for the tender wouldn't return until after the New Year. I was pleased to discover Volume 3 of The Complete Works of Shakespeare in the fresh library and showed it to Oskar. He only nodded.

I'd paid to send a small package to Milwaukee College for Females in the same way I paid to send my letters, using credit drawn on Oskar's paycheck, which the Lighthouse Service deposited quarterly in a bank account in San Francisco. A few years earlier, a chief keeper at a light up the coast had sunk like lead when his skiff capsized as he returned from the tender with his pockets stuffed with gold coins, half a year's pay for himself and two a.s.sistants. That loss of both man and money had prompted the service to eliminate payment in cash. It was no great hardship to do without money at Point Lucia. There was nothing here on which to spend gold.

The following morning, I happened to see the letter from Oskar's father in the kitchen pail, and I couldn't help but skim the well-formed but anxious lines visible among the potato peels.

. . . understand that Philip was a help to you. I hope you were sufficiently grateful, for his time is no doubt very limited.

A slight shake of the pail revealed: . . . hope you're applying yourself steadily. I must say that I often envy those like you who have the satisfaction of practical work, work that dirties the hands and tires the back and forms the foundation upon which society-all societies-rest . . .

Your mother sends her best.

With sincere hopes for your happiness, Papa To make my own letters last, I allowed myself one per week and read very slowly, as if sucking a chocolate. Each began stiffly with good wishes for my journey and questions about my current life but soon began recounting activities that reminded me how far removed I was from my old world. Gustina was to have gone with me when I married Ernst, but my mother had promised that Lucy might have her, if Gustina agreed, which she surely would. My mother herself had already begun to train a new girl, Polish, somewhat fierce, and even more ignorant than Gustina had been. Also, Ernst had been spotted by a trustworthy source walking with a Miss Cynthia Davis on his arm. It was a relief but also a disappointment to learn that I wasn't so important after all.

I thought often in the next few weeks of my little package of Pacific creatures tracing the journey that I had taken, only backward; the boat trip to San Francisco, where the barrel in which I'd packed my crate would be split open, spilling sawdust onto the loading area of the post office; and then the train trip across the western states; and finally, the second train from the terminal in Chicago to Milwaukee. I hoped I'd padded the specimens well enough to keep them whole. I imagined Miss Dodson opening my letter with surprise and reading with affection; my teachers had always liked me. Having read, she would pry open the crate with the curiosity, if not quite the fervor, of the children when they attacked the fresh barrels. I could picture Miss Dodson drawing her magnifying gla.s.s from its leather pouch, and the notion of this tangible thread between my old life and my new was a comfort to me. She would compare the names I'd listed to the ones she could find in her own books; and she would be especially interested in the specimens I couldn't identify. I felt a shimmer of excitement at the thought that some might be new to her; that, as Oskar had suggested, the children and I might have found creatures unknown to the rest of the world.

CHAPTER 21.

"DO YOU EVER see the otters?"

The children and I were on the beach again, and I couldn't resist scanning the k.n.o.bs of kelp-deceptively like heads-that rose and sank in the waves for the unusual creature I'd spotted when I'd lost myself among the rocks. And I couldn't keep from my mind the baby Jane and I had found. I imagined that the two belonged together, perhaps as mother and child.

"No." They shook their heads.

"I think I have. At least your mother thought that's what it was." I described the small black head that had frightened away the seals.

"Oh," Jane said, "that wasn't an otter. That was the mermaid. Want to see where she lives?"

"Ma says we're not to go there," Mary warned.

"Mama says mermaids are dangerous," Nicholas said. "She says they like children so much that they drag them down to their lairs under the water."