RAUCHHAUPT

Don't I know all about pet.i.tions? What does they say then: he ain't dangerous bein' at large.--The whole world ain't nothin' but a asylum. It ain't dangerous, o' course, that he fires bricks at me, an' unscrews locks and steals house keys--oh, no, that ain't considered dangerous. No, an' it's all right for him to eat my tulip bulbs. I c'n just go ahead an'

do the best I can.

MRS. FIELITZ

How did that happen at Grabow's the other day--I mean when his inn the "Prussian Eagle" burned down?

LANGHEINRICH

Aw, Grabow, he needed just that. It wasn't no Gustav that set that there fire. He wasn't needed there.

MRS. FIELITZ

They say he's always playin' with matches.

RAUCHHAUPT

Gustav an' matches? Aw, that's all right. If he c'n just go an' hunt up matches some place, trouble ain't very far off. You know I needs coverin's for my hot house plants; so I built a kind of a shed. I stored the straw in there. Well, I tell you, Mrs. Fielitz, that there idjit went an' burned the shed down. It was bright day an' o' course n.o.body wasn't thinkin', an' I got loose boards all over my lot. The shed crackled right off. It wasn't more'n a puff! But Grabow--he took care o' his fire hisself.

MRS. FIELITZ

I'd give notice about a thing like that, Rauchhaupt--I mean burnin' down the shed.

RAUCHHAUPT

I don't get along so very well with Constable Schulze. That's often the way with people in your own profession. I was honourably retired. He don't like that. He ain't sooted with that. All right; all that may be so. An' that I own my own lot, an' that my old woman died. Sure, it ain't no use denyin' it! I made a few crowns outta all that. An' that my gardenin' brings in somethin'--well, he don't like to see it. So then it's easy to say: Rauchhaupt? He don't need no help. He c'n take care o'

hisself. An' that's the end of it.

MRS. FIELITZ

Fred Grabow, he's all right now!

LANGHEINRICH

[_Eagerly._] An' he's got me to thank for it. Only thing is, I pretty near got into a dam' mess myself that time. You see, I'm captain of the hook an' ladder. Well, I says to my boys, says I:--I don't know but I must ha' had more'n I could carry. The whole crowd was pretty well full!--Well, I says to my boys: Sail right in an' see that there ain't a stone left standin', 'cause if there is, Grabow'll get one reduction of insurance after another an' then the whole thing ain't no good to him. I guess I hollered that out a bit too loud. So when I takes a step or two backward I thinks all h.e.l.l's broke loose, 'cause there stands Constable Schulze an' stares at me. Your health, says I, your health, captain!--Grabow, you know, was treatin' to beer!--An' then Schulze was real sociable and took a drink with me.

MRS. FIELITZ

It's queer that nothin' don't come out there. That fellow ain't a bit cute. How did he manage to do it?

LANGHEINRICH

Everybody likes Fritz Grabow.

MRS. FIELITZ

He ain't got sense enough to count up to three. An' anyhow he had to go an' take oath.

RAUCHHAUPT

Takin' oath? Aw, that ain't so much! I'll just tell you how 'tis, 'cause you never can't tell. Who knows about it? Anybody might have to do that some day. All you do is to twist off one o' your breeches b.u.t.tons while you goes ahead and swears reel quiet. You just try it. That's easy as slidin'.

[_General laughter._

MRS. FIELITZ

He's got one o' his jokin' spells again. I won't have to go an' twist off a b.u.t.ton, I c'n tell you. Things can't get that way with me.--But tell me this: whose turn is it goin' to be now? It's about time for somebody, you know. Somethin's got to burn pretty soon now.

LANGHEINRICH

It could be most anybody. Things is lookin' pretty poor over at Strombergers. The rain's comin' right down into his sittin' room,--Well, good evenin'. A man's got to have his joke.

MRS. FIELITZ

But who's goin' to drink my hot toddy now?

FIELITZ

You stay right where you are!

LANGHEINRICH

Can't be done. I gotta be goin'. [_He puts an arm around LEONTINE, who frees herself carelessly and with a contemptuous expression._]--If mother don't hear my hammerin' downstairs she'll be swimmin' away in tears an'

the bed with her when I gets home.

LEONTINE

That's nothin' but jealousy, mama.

MRS. FIELITZ

Maybe it is, an' maybe she's got reason. You go on up to your work.--How is the Missis?

LANGHEINRICH

Pretty low. What c'n you expect?

LEONTINE

You'll be drivin' me to work till I gets consumption.

MRS. FIELITZ

If you get consumption, it won't be your dress-makin' that's the cause of it. You act as much like a ninny as if you was a man.

LANGHEINRICH