[Ill.u.s.tration: That's A Hotel Bill.]

CHAPTER II.

ORLEANS.--HOW TO QUELL A LANDLORD.--HOW TO FIGHT OFF HUMBUGS; AND HOW TO TRAVEL WITHOUT BAGGAGE.

A tremendous uproar in the hall of a hotel at Orleans awaked every member of the Dodge Club from the sound and refreshing slumber into which they had fallen after a fatiguing journey from Paris.

Filing out into the hall one after another they beheld a singular spectacle.

It was a fat man, bald-headed, middle-aged, with a well-to-do look, that burst upon their sight.

He was standing in the hall with flushed face and stocking feet, swearing most frightfully. A crowd of waiters stood around shrugging their shoulders, and trying to soothe him. As the fat man spoke English, and the waiters French, there was a little misapprehension.

"There, gentlemen," cried the fat man, as he caught sight of our four friends, "look at that! What do you call that?"

"That?" said b.u.t.tons, taking a paper which the fat man thrust in his face, "why, that's a hotel bill."

"A hotel bill? Why it's an imposition!" cried the other excitedly.

"Perhaps it is," said b.u.t.tons, coolly.

"Of course it is! Read it out loud, and let these gentlemen see what they think of it."

"I'll read it in English," said b.u.t.tons, "for the benefit of the Club:"

Mister Blank,

To the Hotel du Roi:

One dinner..........3 francs.

Six porters.........6 francs.

One cab.............2 francs.

One do..............2 francs.

One information.....5 francs.

Wine................5 francs.

Tobacco............ 2 francs.

One bed.............5 francs.

One boots...........1 francs.

One candle..........1 francs.

One candle..........1 francs.

One candle..........1 francs.

One candle..........1 francs.

============================= 35 francs.

"By Jove! Thirty-five francs! My dear Sir. I quite agree with you.

It's an imposition."

A deep sigh expressed the relief of the fat man at this mark of sympathy.

"There's no redress," said b.u.t.tons. "You'll have to grin and bear it.

For you must know that in these inland towns hotel-keepers are in league, offensive and defensive, with all the cab-drivers, omnibus-drivers, postillions, truckmen, hostlers, porters, errand-boys, cafe-keepers, cicerones, tradesmen, lawyers, chambermaids, doctors, priests, soldiers, gens d'armes, magistrates, etc., etc., etc. In short, the whole community is a joint-stock company organized to plunder the unsuspecting traveller."

"And must I stand here and be swindled without a word?" cried the other.

"By no means. Row like fury. Call up the whole household one by one, and swear at them in broad Saxon. That's the way to strike terror into the soul of a Frenchman."

The fat man stared for a moment at b.u.t.tons, and then plunging his hands deep into his trowsers pockets he walked up and down the hall.

At last he turned to the others: "Gentlemen, is this endurable?"

"Horrible!" cried d.i.c.k.

"Abominable!" the Doctor.

"Infamous!" the Senator.

"By jingo! I've a great mind to go home. If I've pot to be plundered, I'd a durned sight rather have my money go to support our own great and glorious inst.i.tutions."

There is no doubt that the unfortunate man would have had to pay up if it bad not been for the energetic action of b.u.t.tons.

He summoned the hotel-keeper before him, and closing the door, asked his friends to sit down.

Then b.u.t.tons, standing up, began to repeat to the hotel-keeper, smilingly, but with extraordinary volubility, Daniel Webster's oration against Hayne. The polite Frenchman would not interrupt him, but listened with a bland though somewhat dubious smile.

The Dodge Club did infinite credit to themselves by listening without a smile to the words of their leader.

b.u.t.tons then went through the proposition about the hypothenuse of a right-angled triangle, and appended the words of a few negro songs.

Here the worthy landlord interrupted him, begging his pardon, and telling him that he did not understand English very well, and could his Excellency speak French?

His Excellency, with equal politeness, regretted his want of complete familiarity with French. He was forced when he felt deeply on any subject to express himself in English.

Then followed Cicero's oration against Verres, and he was just beginning a speech of Chatham's when the landlord surrendered at discretion.

When, after the lapse of three hours and twenty-five minutes, the fat man held his bill toward him, and b.u.t.tons offered five francs, he did not even remonstrate, but took the money, and hastily receipting the bill with his pencil, darted from the room.

"Well," exclaimed the Senator, when he had recovered from the effects of the scene--"I never before realized the truth of a story I once heard."

"What was the story?"

"Oh, it was about a bet between a Yankee and a Frenchman, who could talk the longest. The two were shut up in a room. They remained there three days. At the end of that time their friends broke open the door and entered, and what do you think they found there?"