Brittany snorted. "Very unlikely. I think that only happens in the movies. If Cam looks that d.a.m.n good, he's working for it. Kurt's at the gym every day and gulping down protein shakes between meals."

"He's not the only one," Jessica mumbled. "If you're still together, I swear Kurt's banned from the dorm during finals. Every night he stays over, it sounds like an animal that needs to be put out of its misery."

"Sorry I'm the only one with an active s.e.x life in this dorm." Brittany gave me a challenging stare.

"Really, Kayla? You haven't slept with Cameron yet?" Jessica asked. I shook my head, and she said, "I think that's cool. Why rush it? You only get one first time with a person, it should be special."

Brittany shook her head in disgust. "Romantic drivel. What if he's c.r.a.p in bed? You have all these feelings now and you'll be stuck with him."

"Don't listen to her. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you'll be when you decide to take that step. The s.e.x will be much better than if you jumped into bed with him the first night."

Jessica's words were encouraging. I'd been nervous about postponing s.e.x, and she eased my worries. Brittany had been scandalized a twenty-three-year-old warm-blooded American male hadn't made more of an effort to get me into bed. But Cameron seemed genuine about letting me set the pace for how physical we got.

Fifteen minutes later, I met him at a park a couple of miles from campus. He was sitting on the ground, looking relaxed, staring at a flock of birds flying overhead. I took a minute to study him undetected. He always looked self-a.s.sured, no matter what situation he found himself in.

He stood up at my approach and greeted me with a peck on the lips.

"Is this what you wear running?" I asked teasingly.

He was wearing a pair of black shorts that displayed his toned legs and a white tank top that clung to his chest. His skin was already a golden hue, despite the weather only recently turning warmer. I was dressed to ward off the frequent chills I had and wore a Trenton College sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"Usually; why?"

"I'm surprised you get any running in when you probably have to stop to catch all the swooning women you pa.s.s."

He laughed. "What? The women I catch help me get my upper body workout."

I playfully slapped his arm and resisted the urge to squeeze his bicep. I coughed instead. "I might slow you down today. I'm not much of a runner."

"I'm not in a rush. We can take our time. There's a trail I follow that loops around the entire park."

We started off with a slow jog. I was able to keep pace for about a quarter of a mile. But when Cameron broke into a run, I was too winded to keep up with him. I wanted to push harder, but my body wasn't cooperating. I didn't consume enough calories to handle intense bouts of exercise.

He glanced back as I fell further behind, then he ran back to where I was walking briskly. I said, "You should go ahead. I'll catch up."

He stopped jogging and matched my strides. "I invited you to hang out, not to leave you alone."

"Okay, but I was enjoying the view of you from behind."

I liked this side of me. There were many facets to my personality, and I preferred the carefree and flirtatious Kayla to any of the others. I wanted this thing with us to work. His hands wrapped around my waist and he tickled me gently. He pulled me in closely and my giggles subsided.

His eyes searched mine and the last of my laughter caught in my throat. He cupped my face and closed the gap between us within seconds. An inch from my lips, he said quietly, "I like this ... I like us."

"I like this, too," I whispered. "I'm not good at talking about how I feel, but just because I don't say it, doesn't mean I'm not feeling the same things as you. I like how you're confident and say what you're thinking." I swallowed roughly and admitted, "I'm worried we won't last because I'm not like that."

"I think we're good together. I don't want a girl who is exactly like me. I may seem confident, but I'm talking out of my a.s.s most of the time. I like how you sit back and observe; I love trying to guess what you're thinking."

My lips began to tingle when he brushed his mouth against mine.

"The fact that you're very pretty doesn't hurt either."

"You're not so bad yourself."

I was grinning when he picked me up off the ground. He hoisted me onto his back and I gripped his neck tightly. He took off in a sprint and I pressed my chest to his back. I bounced up and down as he gave me a piggyback ride through the park. My sides hurt from laughing so hard when he finally set me down on one of the benches lining the walkway.

"You're trouble, Cameron. And I think I like it."

Chapter Fourteen.

"Angus approves of you, so I guess you can stay for dinner," Cameron joked as he watched me coddle his English bulldog. Angus rolled onto his back and let out a satisfying snort when I jiggled his fat belly with the palm of my hands.

"Who's the sweet puppy?" I cooed to him. "You're the sweet puppy."

Cameron held out his hand and pulled me back into a standing position. "Hey," he protested, "enough with the baby talk. He's a manly dog."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure he is."

Wrapping his arms around me, Cameron kissed me softly. "I'm glad you're here."

It was the middle of March and the first time I'd gone to Cameron's apartment. We'd been together for a month and a half, but I'd been leery about staying over at his place. He hadn't pressed the issue and didn't ask for the reasons behind my hesitation. For some reason, I got it into my head that coming over to his place translated into s.e.x.

In some ways, I was completely ready to take the next step with Cameron. He was funny, kind, and his s.e.xiness seemed effortless. I fantasized about spending hours exploring every inch of him, discovering what was hidden beneath his layers of clothing.

The problem was my terror over being naked, both emotionally and physically, in front of him. Over the last month, I'd only lost another five pounds. I wasn't sure why I wasn't losing weight as swiftly as before, but I suspected my metabolism had slowed because of the back and forth between starving myself and binge eating. The new clothes I bought for spring were a size four, but it wasn't good enough for me. I'd gotten it into my head I wanted to be a size zero. That size would best my mom and I'd never have to endure another one of her scathing remarks about my weight.

All I could think about was when Cameron took off my clothes, the fat girl I had tried to keep hidden from him would be revealed and he'd be repulsed.

"What made you change your mind about coming over?" Cameron asked as he led me into his kitchen.

The apartment was cozy and much cleaner than I suspected his bachelor pad would be. Cameron had a one-bedroom apartment with an open floor plan. The oversized living room led directly into a smaller eat-in kitchen, with his bedroom and bathroom in the back. I took a seat at the kitchen table and watched as he set two place settings.

"To see your dog, of course." I laughed when Angus waddled across the room and settled his paws on my legs. Although my mom never permitted us to have pets in the house, I'd taken after my father and adored all four-legged creatures. I grew nostalgic when I remembered all the days he allowed me to tag along to his office and help out with his furry patients.

Cameron's phone rang and he groaned as he picked it up. "Hi, Dad." Cameron paused and smiled tightly in my direction. His posture straightened and he ground his teeth together. "I'm not talking about this right now with you, I told you I have nothing to say to her. I wish you would stop making me feel guilty, I wasn't the one who did anything wrong." After a brief silence, Cameron sighed. "Dad, I have to go, Kayla just came by for dinner."

Cameron and his father seemed to get along fine, and their exchange confused me. Cameron's uneasiness remained after he hung up.

"Everything okay?" I questioned, watching him warily.

The discomfort slipped off his face and his eyes warmed as he stared in my direction. "Yes, just my father being a pain. He means well, but he seems to forget sometimes I'm an adult. Let's not get into it now; I'd rather have a fun night with my beautiful girlfriend."

I could tell the subject was closed with him and decided to let it go. "Are you cooking?" I asked him incredulously as he walked over to the stove.

"I did invite you over, you know. Of course I'm going to feed you while you're here." He turned off one of the burners and looked at me over his shoulder. "I'm not the best cook, but I'm getting better since I started living on my own."

It was a thoughtful gesture and it took a concentrated effort to not think about how fattening the meal would be. I didn't want to get sick at his house or offend him by refusing to eat. I could think about ways to get rid of the extra calories later.

Minutes later, he presented me with a plate piled high with spaghetti and chicken Parmesan. My stomach revolted at the sight. I couldn't eat it without having an exit strategy. Instead of food, I saw calories that would make my body expand to the point where I'd transform back into the unlovable blob I was before I started dieting.

"Kayla?" Cameron's concerned voice brought me out of my own personal h.e.l.l. "Is something wrong?"

"No," I forced out. "I'm just shocked you went to so much trouble. The food looks delicious."

"I was hoping you'd say that. You seem a little intense when it comes to your diet," he remarked, twirling a piece of spaghetti on his fork.

I was taken aback by his perceptiveness. I mistakenly believed I was a convincing actress, never revealing how much food ruled my life. I couldn't let him see the freak I truly was or I'd lose him. Although it killed me a little inside, I lifted the fork and took a bite of the chicken. He smiled across the table at me. I could do this, I thought with determination. This was my existence, constant give and take in order to survive.

I awoke with my head on Cameron's lap. When I shifted, he tilted his chin down to face me. Brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes, he murmured, "I liked how you felt sleeping in my arms."

We had settled on his couch after dinner to watch a movie. I needed the distraction. As Cameron held me close, my anxiety over dinner faded and I relaxed into his arms. I must've fallen asleep at some point, exhausted from the constant disquiet I felt over my weight.

I sat up and glanced at the clock, it was after eleven. "I guess I should head back to the dorms."

"Or you can stay over."

"Or I can stay over," I parroted back, mimicking his tone.

Reaching across the couch, he took my hand in his. "I'm not pushing you into something you're not ready for. I was just sitting here thinking about how nice it would be to wake up next to you."

I shot him a wry grin. "Do you honestly think we could spend the night together in the same bed and nothing would end up happening?"

"Only if you wanted it to ..." he trailed off. His fingers ran up my arm and I shivered involuntarily.

My yearning for him was too strong to resist. I scooted over until I was sitting on his lap. Instead of a tender kiss filled with longing, I crushed my mouth against his and began to kiss him pa.s.sionately.

He kissed me back with just as much fervor and ran his hands down my back. He cupped my behind and tugged me close. I moved my right leg to the left side of him, allowing me to press my body flush against his.

I was gasping for air when I moved my mouth away from his. Kissing his neck, I said in a teasing voice, "You do realize I never got to see that tattoo you told me about."

His laughter was choked with desire. His eyes were feverish as he stared down at my body, watching how I straddled his waist. My hands inched under the edge of his t-shirt and he helped me remove it. This was the first time I had seen Cameron shirtless, and I was desperately trying not to drool.

Every part of him was cut and lean. My eyes were immediately drawn to the hard muscles of his abs. His arms and chest were toned as well, and I imagined how it would feel to have my lips on his exposed skin.

The tattoo was on his left side, placed inches above his hipbone. The tattoo was of a tombstone, and it held the epitaph, "Everything Was Beautiful, And Nothing Hurt." The words resonated with me and it brought upon feelings I'd tried to bury. I swallowed audibly as I searched my memory for the source of the quote.

"I didn't realize you were a Kurt Vonnegut fan. It doesn't fit with your cheerful persona," I said.

"It's my mom's favorite quote. I'll warn you again about how it's never a good idea to get a tattoo after you've been drinking."

I leaned down closer to get a better look, but snapped back up when I realized the suggestive position I'd put myself in. Cameron lightly gripped my hair behind my head and gazed at me intently. "You have no idea how badly I want you right now, but please tell me if we're moving too fast. I'm trying to show restraint and not rip off your clothes and haul you off to bed."

I was instantly aroused by the growl in his voice. I couldn't resist anymore and ran my hands slowly over every hard plane of his sculpted upper body. Stopping at his tattoo, I mindlessly began to trace the outline with my fingertips.

"I want to be with you," I said, but I couldn't meet his eyes. "But I'm a reserved person and I'm nervous about getting undressed in front of you."

His hand rested against my cheek. "You have nothing to be nervous about. I think you're absolutely beautiful, but I get the sense ..." he hesitated. Then he said, "That you don't realize how gorgeous you are."

I ducked my head shyly. "You don't have to say those things; you've already won me over."

Cameron didn't let me finish. "Kayla, stop. I'm serious. I've noticed how little you eat and how much weight you've lost since we first met. I have a younger sister, and I understand how extreme some girls can get about their weight. She's always trying some sort of crazy diet."

He was scratching at the truth, getting too close to the heart of the matter. I was suddenly ashamed, understanding I hadn't been able to hide my weaknesses from him after all. Cameron wanted to know all of me and he wasn't going to permit me shutting him completely out.

Standing up, I felt myself at a crossroads. I could leave, run away from the only happiness I'd known since my father died. Or I could try to work through my issues and trust Cameron not to break my heart.

"You never showed me the rest of your place," I whispered.

He rose from the sofa and held me tightly. I rested my head against his chest and listened to the frantic racing of his heart. I smiled to myself and found myself falling more and more for him.

I laid awake long into the night. My heart couldn't stop pounding as I became hyperaware of Cameron sleeping soundly next to me. I was clad only in a t-shirt he had lent me and desire churned in my belly each time my bare legs brushed against him.

My mouth was sore from the ferocity of our kisses. Although there'd been plenty of exploring with hands and lips, we hadn't slept together. As he pulled at my clothes, I lost my nerve. I didn't have the confidence for him to see every flaw of my body under the harsh overhead lights in his bedroom. After I confessed I wasn't ready for s.e.x, he had rea.s.sured me we were in no rush. He cradled me against his chest until I pretended to sleep.

Under the cloak of darkness, I was brave. My body was invisible, every imperfection hidden from view. I could pretend I was someone else while being close to the man I cared deeply about.

Climbing on top of him, I wrapped my legs around his waist. My long hair brushed against his bare chest when I bent forward to kiss his neck. My mouth moved down the front of his body until reaching above his belly b.u.t.ton.

"Kayla," he mumbled sleepily.

"Hmmm?"

"Am I dreaming?" he murmured.

I giggled. "Not a dream, just your girlfriend trying to take advantage of you while you're asleep."

"Okay, then I won't interrupt."

Pulling me closer, he kissed me deeply. His hands moved under my shirt, his fingertips grazing my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I moaned into his mouth, letting him know how much I desired his touch. I pulled the t-shirt over my head and tossed it aside. I fell onto my back and he kneeled over me. His breath was warm as he rained soft kisses on my neck and the top of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

When his tongue flicked across the peaks of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, I moaned, "Cameron ..."

Stopping for a second, he said softly, "You have no idea how many times I've thought about you naked in bed with me, calling my name."

Lord, he was s.e.xy, I thought. The feelings he was inspiring in me were incredible. I hated my body, but I loved the things he was doing to it. Hooking my thumbs around his boxer shorts, I pulled them down. With trembling fingers, I reached for him.

He caught my arm before I could reach him. "Kayla, you're shaking. Do you want me to stop?"

Absolutely not, I wanted to scream. "I'm nervous," I told him. "I don't have a lot of experience and I want things to feel good for you, too."

He coughed uncomfortably. "Kayla, believe me, I like everything you're doing to me. In fact, I'm trying to give you an out now because I'm not sure how much more I can take."